margery's blog

Life Entrepreneurs Show Up

2011-08-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

Last week I stood next to a very dear friend whose brother had died suddenly, and unexpectedly, at the young age of 64. In a few weeks I'll be 64. Really made me think about a lot of things....

First, how important it is to simply be there when our friends need us. There is nothing for us to particularly do, just showing up is what really matters.

Second, how important it is to keep living fully, here and now, and make sure that the people we care about know that we love them, and that they matter to us.

She told me they had spent time with him in the hospital when they thought he was simply under observation and would be going home soon. Their whole family had gathered and sat around his bed talking and laughing with him. The next day, for some reason, his heart stopped and he couldn't be revived. She felt so grateful that she and her family had been with him, enjoyed him for what became the last time.

At this moment, our world is racked with fear. The stock market is spiking and falling every other day. People are uncertain about their futures. We don't know whom to rely on, whom to trust.

My only recourse is to trust myself, how I feel when I am with people. How I feel when I have something to choose or decide on. It seems that is my best gauge for continuing to move forward in the midst of such turmoil.

I watch Charlie Rose to see what the "experts" say about our economy, and they don't seem any more certain than I do. None of us knows where this will all lead.

So I'm going to just keep loving--my life, my friends, my challenges and opportunities. I'm going to be there for the people that need me. I'm going to make sure I let people know how important they are to me. I am going to keep trusting that there is an order hidden within all this seeming chaos, because, thank goodness, I've seen many ups and downs in my 60-odd years of living, and we all seem to keep muddling through it somehow.

It just seems more doable when we all hold hands and keep going together.

Life Entrepreneurs Manage Stress by Looking Forward

2011-07-09T11:39:00.003-05:00

My friend Maddie might be the youngest Life Entrepreneur I have written about. She's 3 1/2 years old, and quite busily carving out the life she wants to live. Almost every Sunday she goes swimming with my friend Lida, her grandmother, who is very committed to making sure she swims well enough to stay safe in the pool.

After they swim each week, Grandma gives Maddie a quarter to buy a Popsicle treat, but a couple of weeks ago, Grandma looked in her bag and realized she had no money, no quarter, nothing. She explained to Maddie that this week, there would be no Popsicle.

Maddie looked at the concession stand, and fervently exclaimed that THEY had quarters, and THEY had Popsicles over THERE! And they just needed to go over there and get them! Grandma explained that it didn't work that way, and when they had no money, they couldn't get a treat.

Now, I very much remember how it feels to be 3 1/2 years old and want something SO BAD, because to tell the truth, when I want something badly today, I feel myself reverting to that same emotion. When I found out I lost a large sum of money, my first reaction was NO! It can't be true!!!! And I cried. How different is that from what Maddie did? Not much.

Maddie cried, and pleaded with her grandma to find a way to get her a Popsicle.

Lida, who has the same gift that many of us grandmothers have, a sense of unconditional love and inner peace when we are around our grandchildren [unlike when we were primary parents and had emotional attachments to their behavior] calmly explained, over and over, that wasn't going to happen this week. When Maddie got quiet, Lida reminded her that they had raspberries at home, waiting for them to eat. She told her she could wash them and eat as many as she wanted when they got back to the house.

Maddie, looked up and exclaimed, "we get to eat raspberries!" and proceeded to inform each person they passed on the way to the car of that wonderful fact. And she was fine.

And she carefully stood on her stool in Grandma's kitchen, washed all the berries and put them in a bowl, sat at the counter and enjoyed them, smiling.

I love this story because it reminds me how it turns on a dime. One moment we can be in the depths of despair and the next, when we find something to look forward to, our life seems to change and we feel hopeful.

I've been writing this blog in my mind for a few weeks, and finally got the first bit down then left it in draft form for a few days. This morning I got a Skype call from one of my dearest friends in France who said he wanted to come visit next month. Before that call, I was wallowing around in a sort of malaise of feeling lonely--not in despair, just realizing that's how I feel at this moment in my life.

And now I have something really wonderful to look forward to--a visit! Some fun adventures! A dear friend to spend time with!

My heart feels lighter, I have more energy, and I'm more inspired to go do my Pilates and get on with my day. What a difference it makes to have something to look forward to!!

Love that!

Life Entrepreneurs Live the Legend They Will Leave Behind [they show up as who they truly are]

2011-05-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

My son Noah calls me every day as he leaves work to sort of download the day, get things off his chest, tell me about work problems, talk things over. The salient part of that experience for me is to see how important it is to him that he does a good job. He really cares about that. To him, his job is more than just work, it is a vital part of his very existence and to not do it well is anathema to him!

Where did that come from? He has often been asked why he understands so much about management, since he is a chef--and some of them are much more cooking oriented than management oriented. He tells them that he grew up watching his mom run a business, watching his dad work really hard as a salesman, watching his grandparents work really hard running a highly respected medical practice.

Noah grew up around people who loved to work! And he does too.

When he was growing up, he didn't like it so much that we were "always working" because often he wanted attention that he didn't get. I can remember so many times I had to tell him to wait until I got off the phone to talk to me. I wasn't a completely horrible mother--I went to every baseball, soccer and basketball game that I possibly could attend. I carried a folding chair in my trunk so I could go to a game at the drop of a hat.

But there were many things I didn't do because I was working, and I know he didn't like it. But he learned to live with it and became a very independent guy. One of the reasons he became a chef is because he figured out there were some things (like sauteed chicken) that he could prepare much better than I could! He started cooking with me when he was 2 and by the time he was 8 or 9 he was really good in the kitchen.

Now he is proud of his background--with perspective, he sees the value of all that work and how it influenced him. And I have a feeling that his son Ethan will have a similar experience. As long as Noah is the Executive Chef of a very busy, popular restaurant, he will work most Saturdays and Sundays--Ethan won't have his dad at every sporting event. Ethan will probably resent that for a period of time, until it comes time to go to work himself, then I can imagine that Ethan will have a similar work ethic as his father.

So the Legend will live on, and be passed on from generation to generation. My dad's father came to America from Russia around 1907 and first drove a wagon peddling clothes around the countryside. Then he ran clothing stores with his brothers. My dad worked in the stores, and learned how important it was to write up a proper sales slip. Later, he was one of the few doctors whose instructions could be easily read on a chart or a prescription.

Work ethic. Is it dying out? Or is it alive and well? I believe both. Those who didn't have Living Legends to learn from, model themselves after, will either have to learn it on the job or miss out on the fun of a job well done.

As for my little family tree, I bet it will remain alive and well for many generations to come.

Hooray!

Life Entrepreneurs Let Themselves BE

2011-05-09T10:33:00.001-05:00

Deciding moments come along many times in our lives, and each one gives us an opportunity to turn one way or another--which then informs and shapes our lives from that moment on. It fascinates me to see people on TV in what are called Reality Shows. I think part of the public's addiction to those is it gives us a window to observe how people deal with those moments--and the consequences they bring.

Last night I watched a woman who had come across as a fighter, a resilient contender just give up and walk away when she could have turned around and shown us another part of herself. Maybe she had more going on in her life than we could see--and maybe she really is a "Quitter" as she was called on the show. I know there have been times in my life when I did turn around and go home, and I actually haven't regretted those decisions.

Being a Life Entrepreneur means we are committed to being AWARE of those moments--not reacting but instead approaching them strategically. That requires a strong sense of self, a deep sense of our own purpose, a willingness to keep moving forward, mindful of what can be termed "the greater good."

In light of that, I've recognized that one of my challenges is to be proactive, aware and ready for whatever comes up while not striving so hard to make things happen. A friend described me as a "human doing" -- sort of the opposite of a "human being." Those of us who are Doers have a difficult time just being here. We get antsy, we look for things that need to be taken care of.

I realize I'm a "recovering Doer" which is not unlike other addictive behaviors that require effort to overcome. I'm not saying I only want to BE--because doing and being are actually part of that famous trinity: BE, DO and HAVE. The point is to not let the doing part be the most important--instead let them all three work together in harmony.

So, what does that look like? For me, it means listening more, commenting less. Observing more, making sure I take in as much information as possible before I make up a story about what is going on. Watching squirrels run around. Waiting. Being okay with not knowing things. Asking more questions. Feeling grateful--finding more and more things, people, situations to be grateful for. Appreciating the fact that I'm alive. Appreciating what it means to be alive. Loving trees, flowers, grass, weeds, rolling hills, mesas, mountains, rivers, oceans, lakes, clouds, sunshine, moonlight, dark moments, uncertainty, challenges, opportunities.

I know, those are combinations of being, doing and having--and if I let myself be comfortable about just being here and noticing all this, then I have a greater chance of living from within-out, strategic in my daily life, living purposefully, while being adaptable and flexible. Two really important people in my life are showing me the way, the path of this:

My darling grandson who is 2 and my beautiful mother who is 86. They both seem to wake up each day just glad to be here. My grandson doesn't have enough history to compare his life with anything else, so he just lives it. My mother has seen so much of life that she has whittled it down to what is really important to her and she lets the rest go.

So they show up as delightful, engaged people who have very little to worry about, more interested in the right now of life--not what was or could be. Thank goodness I have them to learn from. And truly, they are the MOST fun people to be around!

Love that.

Life Entrepreneurs Know It Is Never Too Late to Change

2011-04-24T12:09:00.002-05:00

As I am in my early 60s, it makes sense that I would see clients at least up to my age and sometimes a little older. I am very inspired when someone who is well-seasoned in life comes to see me to make a major shift in how he/she sees things and manages his/her life.

I watch my mother at 86 change sometimes daily. She has one of those indomitable spirits--I'm sure this is where I got, if not the phrase, at least the meaning of something I say quite often, "I will not be daunted!" My mom is so willing to look at things in new ways, take in new ideas, be flexible. And she is also really good at knowing what does and doesn't work for her--and once she sees that, she sticks to it! An admirable quality.

One of the great things about working with a range of ages of clients is that I can share knowledge with a woman in her 30s to help her see what may lie ahead if she doesn't change how she is seeing herself today. This particular period is giving me many opportunities to look at authenticity--how we see ourselves, how closely we are willing or not to listen to our inner voices and act from there. How much we all can fall into patterns of pleasing others, protecting others, trying to stay safe by altering our own words and behavior to gain that safety.

I'm here to tell you: It just doesn't work. It is a false sense of safety to accommodate others in order to protect ourselves. That doesn't mean walking around with entitlement and arrogance and a "me-first, me-only" attitude. It means suppressing that inner voice, spirit, that is telling us what works and what doesn't work. It means feeling warning signals in our bodies and ignoring them. It means holding back and committing the "sin" of omission--not saying what we really think or feel so we don't "lose" business, or "lose" favor, or "lose" a loved one.

Studying with John Demartini for the last 12 years has given me a great deal of awareness, and one of the most important understandings that is now unshakable in me: there is NEVER a loss without a gain. Not possible. Can't happen.

So when I hold back and don't speak my truth to avoid a "loss" then I am simply ignoring the truth that the sense of loss would simultaneously have its corresponding gain. When John says "Love is the synthesis and synchronicity of complementary opposites," that is what he means. If by speaking my truth in a meeting, I lose the support of a person in the room--I absolutely know that I immediately gain the support of someone else (whether they are actually in the room, or somewhere in my energy field).

I am also convinced of something else: right decisions bring abundance. The more I live from the inside out, from my own authenticity, I see the expression of that in an awareness and experience of greater abundance in my life. Not just financial, but also in the abundance of shared love, warmth, opportunities, ideas, ways to engage in life fully that might have been there all along, but I couldn't see them.

This is because acting from a place of protection--trying to act in a way that keeps me safe--puts others and their ideas ahead of me and what I truly would love in my life. I am acting from what I want from others, not from what I recognize and love within myself. Here is another truth I am convinced of: when I want something from someone, I can't see who they really are! I can only see whether they do or don't give me what I want. (I may have to write another whole piece on that one.)

So--what is it never too late to change? Our ability to go inside and really listen, really pay attention to our inner voice, our truth, that inspired place that knows what to do. It doesn't matter if you are 8 or 80, going there brings its just reward.

Life Entrepreneurs Ask for and Get Help--the top 10 reasons women benefit from business coaching

2011-04-06T11:25:00.001-05:00

I just read an article from the Wall Street Journal with this headline: Coaching Urged for Women Inadequate Career Development Holds Back Female Executives, McKinsey Says

I have determined that any woman in the business world would benefit from some form of coaching. In over twenty-six years of working with mostly women, I have found there are key reasons why seeking outside help is so beneficial. Here are the main ones:

10. Many businesswomen are addicted to being right.

What this really means is that they are afraid they will be “wrong”--and someone will find out about it. They second guess themselves, worry over decisions, hesitate to make decisions and rely on too much feedback from others. How does coaching help? It allows you to get an objective view of situations, and have a sounding board that is totally removed from your daily routine. By broadening your perspective, you begin to see that there are many “rights” and no one way is foolproof—there are pluses and minuses for every situation. A coach helps you learn how to trust your intuition and experience--work from the inside out instead of the outside in. When you operate from there, you can be decisive and even feel comfortable changing your mind!

9. Women tend to over rely on their feelings and underutilize their knowledge.

Although being able to get in touch with their feelings is a great asset that women bring to the workplace, too much emotion can get in the way of seeing situations clearly. A conscious balance between knowledge/experience and feelings works best. A coach asks provocative questions and challenges you to look at your feelings unemotionally--sort out what matters and what doesn’t. You learn what the feelings mean, why you are having them, and when it is appropriate to express them. This kind of clarity is priceless--and allows you to be in control of your emotions instead of letting them run your life.

8. Many women are afraid to be seen as too hard or tough.

This is really an internal battle between the soft feminine and the driven, high achieving business approach. The truth is they are not mutually exclusive--and can work together very well. Coaching helps you recognize the feminine values you bring to the table as well as encourage you to use your ambition and energy wisely, to achieve the best ends. By recognizing how you manifest these traits you can condition yourself to be conscious of your behavior, and make choices about what works and what doesn’t work in particular situations.

7. Women place a high value on security.

This makes it very difficult to be a risk taker--which is a requirement for success in business. Being coached gives you the opportunity to look objectively at all sides of issues, being more thorough in seeing the pros and cons of decisions. The risks you take are less “risky” because you are making educated choices. Successful risk taking is a skill, which can be learned --- and the more clarity you have, the better you are able to assess the situation and be prepared to weather the outcome.

6. Women tend to be reactive rather than create from a visionary perspective.

Women are acculturated to put out fires and respond to myriad demands. How else could they raise children? Coaching helps you create visions of exactly what you want to be, do and have in your life so that you can look at situations and decide if they fit your purpose, your vision. If they do, you work with them. If not, you can either delegate or eliminate them. When you are working from inner purpose and visions, you become more proactive than reactive.

5. Most women have difficulty setting priorities.

They have so much to do, so many responsibilities both at work and home that it is very hard to decide where to start! So many women feel overwhelmed and frustrated--as if they will never catch up. Coaching helps you organize your thinking, look at your life in a more total way and get comfortable shifting priorities when necessary, setting priorities according to the ones that are most important--that fit your purpose and visions, on a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly basis. If you are concentrating on building a business, for example, you might let your social life slide for a few months and come back to it later. But you are choosing what you are doing, not blindly falling into patterns that seem irreversible.

4. Women feel trapped and are unaware of how they are sabotaging themselves.

They repeat similar behavior expecting to get a different result (the definition of insanity). An objective coach helps you recognize the habits of thinking, acting and speaking that keep you caught in untenable situations. By changing the words you use, you change your experience. Habits don’t just disappear. It takes a great deal of self-discipline to stop thinking of your self as a victim, or someone who never quite reaches her potential. Coaching over a period of time gives you an opportunity to gradually shift the way you see yourself, get comfortable with new patterns of thinking and doing--learning to celebrate incremental successes instead of only giving yourself credit for the big ones. This step-by-step approach is highly effective in helping you reframe your self-image into one that more closely resembles the woman you would love to be.

3. Women don’t tend to think strategically.

Because women are so intuitive, they tend to just know things, and operate from instinct. That doesn’t guarantee success. A qualified coach can help you look at where you are, where you want to go, and work with you to create a plan of action with measurable goals. If you are clear on your purpose, your vision of what you want and approach situations strategically, you are much more likely to either succeed or figure out something even more effective as you go along. This entails reassessing your priorities on a daily basis to make sure you are on focus. Can you imagine a better way to approach a business situation?

2. Women have trouble delegating.

This is the “need to be needed” syndrome. Men have it too, but for them it is more about control than being needed. When one sees her value mainly in what she does for others, she is more concerned about her performance than manifesting her vision and purpose. That is “outside-in” thinking. The more dispensable she is, the more value she brings to an organization--because she is mentoring, challenging, supporting and inspiring people. Coaching can help you look at what you actually do every day and figure out whether you are really the best person for those tasks. The more you delegate, the more you free yourself up to be a leader and role model. The more task work you hold onto, the less freedom and choices you have in your business life.

And the number one reason women benefit from coaching is:

1. They are unaware of their power.

In many ways, women are still the great-untapped resource in business. They are just beginning to take their position as leaders and catalysts in the development of the new paradigms of business that are forming. The amazing value that women bring is starting to be recognized. While many men are struggling to learn how to build relationships--which is the way of the future--women are already comfortable with that softer side of themselves. Coaching is a wonderful way to learn how to integrate all the parts of your self. It enables you to take all you have learned and experienced, put it into perspective in line with your true purpose and visions of what you want, and create your unique way of winning at your life. The best coaching experience is one that helps you transform out of old patterns and design your own life. When you are living your life from the inside out, you utilize and express your power in a way that makes you approachable, attractive and an obvious asset to any venture.

Life Entrepreneurs REALLY Do What they Love

2011-04-05T11:46:00.001-05:00

I ironed my pillow cases today. They were probably fine not ironed, I just wanted to do it. I bought new sheets and a new spread for my bed recently and now the pillows show more, and I just wanted them to be smooth and lovely.

Seems sort of inconsequential to write about this, but it is a bigger subject than pillowcases. I am living the life of a homemaker, and the person I am lovingly, contentedly making a home for is....MYSELF!

When I had the "big crisis" a couple of years ago and changed my life drastically, I changed how I live on a daily basis. I've written before about re-learning to do my own laundry, having my housekeeper only come one half day every other week, taking care of the things I used to delegate to others. I raised the question then, would I keep doing all these things if I didn't feel it financially necessary?

And I absolutely know the answer for me today: YES! I LOVE doing my laundry. I LOVE changing the sheets and making sure I like how my bed looks. I LOVE feeling grounded and rooted and home.

I love taking time to read a book in one day. I love being available when a friend calls--whether for a serious talk, dinner, a movie, or a short visit. I love being available when a client wants an appointment. I love being the "person" for my mom, making sure she has whatever she wants or needs from the store, gets to her doctor appointments, feels loved and cared for.

I love doing volunteer work and using my energy locally--contributing to my community and participating in all sorts of ventures that encourage education and cultural awareness. I love hanging out with really smart people who are also looking for ways to use the skills they've developed over the years to help grow and shape the future of our city.

I love having a panel of experts around me that I can call on for whatever issue I need help with: doctors, lawyers, other business people who know all sorts of things that I have yet to learn about.

This is the best of life so far--and what I'm mostly grateful for is that I know it. I'm consciously living it. I appreciate my life and the people around me more than my words could ever convey.

As my dear Granny who grew up in Russia used to say, "Tanks goodness."

Life Entrepreneurs Live their Dreams

2011-04-02T10:40:00.004-05:00

I had drinks with Charlie Rose last night. I didn't even remember it until I was on the floor doing my Pilates while last night's taping of his nightly interview show was playing and I looked up and saw his face and it was exactly the same expression I saw in my dream.

I don't know exactly what my attraction to him is, but I tape his shows every week night and many times go to sleep watching them. And when I wake up at 5:30 am and don't want to stay awake, I find one of his shows with men talking and it lulls me back to sleep.

Charlie is a comfort to me. He is also inspiring to me. He does such extensive research, is so apparently knowledgeable about the topics his guests talk about, that I am in awe of the time and energy it takes for him and his producers to gather all that information and be that prepared. It makes the experience of watching him work as entertaining as any celebrity, politician, author,business mogul--whatever--he could be interviewing.

I just love this guy! And one of my dreams has been to someday, somehow write something, be someone or do something that would mean he would want to interview me on his show. I've often wondered if it is about ego--getting to be on his show. But then I realize I don't actually care much if anyone else were to want to interview me. Well, it might be nice, but it doesn't have a big meaning to me one way or another.

But Charlie Rose! Him, I want to sit and talk with. For the hour, as he says when he has a guest take up two to three segments of interview time. So it really is about him, who he is, how he got the way he is--in fact I think the real deal is that I would love to interview him!

So this morning, when I saw him talking with two writing professors who had written books about how to write well, I saw his face listening and responding so intently--I realized I had dreamed that about him and me! We were in some sort of cafe or bistro. We had drunk something, coffee, something. And we talked. We had a very interesting conversation, and the other two people who were with us left and we kept talking. In the dream I reminded him of how energetic and interesting he had been when I first saw him on TV back in the 70s when he did a people oriented interview show in the Dallas area.

I have thought many times that I would love to tell him how much I've enjoyed seeing him evolve and listen more and talk less, his openness with his guests is energetic more than with words now. Maybe having major heart surgery a few years back affected him. We didn't get that far in our conversation in my dream, so maybe next time. Maybe I'll dream about him again.

Delicious!

Life Entrepreneurs Ask Questions About Life and Death, Part 2

2011-03-18T12:27:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about dying lately. People in Japan are facing death as I write this. One woman talked about her father being employed at a nuclear power plant, and he was staying to try to minimize the damage because he already knew he wasn't going to get out of there alive.

Ten years ago, people in the towers in New York faced death with no recourse, and from all accounts, they bravely did everything they could.

And I have clients come to me so depressed, so distraught with how things are going in their lives that they wish they could just die.

I've felt that way myself. A couple of years ago, facing my worst financial disaster, part of me just wanted to die so I wouldn't have to feel so much shame and pain.

And we watch TV shows, movies, read books about death and never seem to tire of the subject.

So I asked myself this morning, am I afraid to die? How would I feel if I knew that the power plant near my home was exploding and saturating the air with radioactive particles. Would I panic? What would I do?

I have no way of actually knowing the answer to that, so I can only make up a story based on what I believe to be true. One of the things that kept me from choosing death as an option during times of great duress in the past was a little voice inside me, reminding me that even if I did die, I would wake up to another state of awareness. I can't know what that state is--we've all seen or heard about people with near death experiences seeing the light, the white light, or seeing a tunnel, or seeing some sort of vision that calms them, gives them a new sense of meaning to their current lives when they wake up.

And even though I haven't had one of those, from everything I've read, studied, been taught and experienced, I saw so clearly this morning that the reason I don't choose death, and the reason I think I would remain calm in the face of impending doom, is that I need not be afraid of something that isn't possible.

Yes, I could die from this body, and this life that I love so much. But I wouldn't die from myself. I absolutely know that.

Many years ago I heard one of my metaphysical teachers say it this way, "if life could actually die, then it would cease to be life, and that is impossible." I didn't quite believe her at the time, because I was in my twenties, I had a lot to learn and experience to be able to even comprehend a statement like that.

And now I'm 63 and I feel like it is true. I feel it--in my body, in my heart and it remains an underlying conviction that seems, at least right now, unshakable.

So what is all this pain, death and dying really about? Why do we experience it? Read about it? Flock to movies about it? Another thing I learned from a teacher is this: "any individuals, organisms or organizations not working toward a higher purpose will cease to exist."

If that is true, then this organization we call the human experience--with all its joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and life and "death" experiences must have a higher purpose, else why would it exist? And the only purpose I can really come to, and reach over and over, is Love.

These experiences are all teaching us how to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold.

Our burdens, our fears, our difficulties, our challenges all hold within them the seeds of opportunity, to paraphrase Napoleon Hill. We can let them drain us and bog us down or we can face them and find the gold in them.

And so it is crystal clear to me that is why I say that to myself each morning when I wake up, reminding myself of my own life purpose. I can't imagine any other true reason for us to be here.

Life Entrepreneurs Look Back at Past Adventures

2011-03-14T18:53:00.001-05:00

Late last night I was winding down about to go to bed when I got a call from a friend who was channel surfing and had run across the Tucson Festival of Books on CSPAN and discovered a panel of three people from the 1960s era talking about their experiences.

The man on the panel was Mark Rudd, there to talk about My Life with SDS and the Weathermen. SDS stands for Students for a Democratic Society and Mark was famous for having led the sit-ins at Columbia University in 1968, fanning the fire of the growing student movement (which we all called The Movement).

It is so interesting to see someone you haven't see in 40 years and both recognize him and remember so much about him. I was a member of SDS back in the late 60s. For those of us who were against the war in Viet Nam, wanted to open admissions up and break the power of racism on our college campuses, it was really the only place to be!

We were bright, we were energetic, and we were influential in society. There was an upheaval of protest that swept our country. Yes, especially in the southern part of the US, in states like Texas, there weren't that many of us, but we fed on the actions of those in the north--we watched with envy the sit-ins and the demonstrations where there were actually enough people to look like a crowd.

In my little part of the world, we were controversial to say the least. During the summer of 1968 a group of 6 of us got arrested on the campus of North Texas State University (now University of North Texas) for distributing "indecent and obscene literature." We were passing out leaflets that said "the elections don't mean shit--there is very little difference between Hubert Humphrey and Richard Nixon." Oddly enough, the jury couldn't agree on convicting us, so when one person went to trial and it resulted in a hung jury, they dropped the charges and we went on our merry way.

I was what was then referred to as an itinerant agitator--which meant I traveled around to campuses in Texas and Oklahoma trying to get SDS chapters going. I have to admit, we weren't enormously successful, as the political climate around here just wasn't that conducive to uprisings of students. Most were paying little attention to Viet Nam, unless they lost their deferments and were subject to the draft; and racism was such a way of life here, that it didn't rattle many cages for us to talk about it.

Our biggest success was at the University of Houston, which at that time had a very low enrollment of black students even though it sat in the middle of a mainly black section of southeast Houston. Most of the local kids were shuffled off to Texas Southern University, which at that time was much smaller, less well endowed, and considered second rate.

We staged marches around the campus to wake up action to open up admissions to black people. We moved from building to building, and Mark Rudd flew into Houston for a day and helped me make speeches about changing the school. A LOT of people turned out--which was amazing--but it actually seemed to be a cause that mattered to even the white local students that made up the enrollment. Amid lots of cheering and chanting, we had a heady feeling that we were making a difference!

Mark went back to New York and our group continued protesting the next day, culminating in a short take-over of the Safety and Security office, where I jumped up on a desk and made a rousing speech which ended with, "now let's march to the Student Center!" Those were my "fatal words" it turned out because some wild kids ran ahead of us and decided to make a point by tearing up things and generally making a mess. Unbeknownst to me, this would later be considered a riot, and I would be accused of inciting it.

Being someone very much against any form of destruction of property, I followed these kids shouting, "stop!" but by then it had gotten out of hand, so we quickly dispersed and hoped that the activity would just die down. The next day, thinking it was all over, I decided to leave Texas and move up to New York and hang out with Mark and some other friends and see what fun I could have being involved in The Movement for real, up where the Real SDS people were.

It was so exciting to be in New York City and ride the subway--learn how to eat pizza by the slice--get temp jobs in off the wall offices to make money. I loved it! I lasted there about 3 months, but soon ended up paying the price for my speech by actually being arrested for incitement to riot. I'll have to write about that adventure another time.

Seeing Mark brought all that flooding back to me--and I had a chance to look at how much being a part of that Movement had affected my life. And I also realized how deeply grateful I am that I moved on from it--that I found a deeper meaning, a higher sense of purpose than I could have developed if I had stayed in the purely political mode of thinking.

I love that I got involved, that I fought for things that mattered to me. And I love that I keep doing that in ways that work, that involve really smart people doing really meaningful things to change how we live together. That involvement got me aware of the huge responsibility we have--to be sure that we do all we can with all that we are given.

What a blessing! What a trip to be reminded of it!

Life Entrepreneurs Are in Constant Renewal

2011-03-07T12:02:00.000-06:00

I'm in heaven at the moment, watching all the wonderful plants and flowers start to pop up in my garden. Five years ago, my niece wanted to have her wedding pictures taken in my back yard so I set out to re-landscape and have watched it develop and fill out until now I am simply in awe of the amazing things that happen when you plant and tend to a garden.

I must admit, I'm not the garden tender, except indirectly. I pay a wonderful woman named Marie-Theres to do that part, as I learned many years ago that I didn't have a green thumb for plants. I can help people grow into the lives they would love to live, but when it comes to plants, encouragement is about all I can offer!

Watching the plants bud first then sort of explode into something has sent me into noticing how similar our experiences are to what happens with plants--especially in the way we work and work on something, allow the cycle of nature to complete itself, then we get the big reward of new growth. When I am impatient, try to hurry things along, I find that all I get is stress. The process takes as long as it takes.

So, if I step back and really observe myself, I can see that my frustrating moments in life are a little like a plant trying to push itself up out of the soil--takes a lot of effort, and how do we know whether the plant feels that or not? And once it has pushed through, the roots continue to deepen, the greenery unfolds itself, and the buds don't show up until the weather conditions warrant a safe environment.

Sometimes we get a false signal, just like plants when an early warm spell brings out blooms before the weather has truly settled into spring, and many times those blooms don't last because of frost. In the same way I have seen myself project my imagination forward and thought I saw what I wanted and made up a story about it, only to realize I had jumped the gun and not been aware of the whole picture. Which led to disappointment, killing off the bloom of possibility for that moment.

We can do all the right things, plant our seeds at the right time of the year, water and fertilize them, be patient and let them grow, clean out the weeds that pop up around them, stay with our process and very likely we will get what we desire. However, sometimes, no matter how hard we try, the plant just doesn't grow right and we have to let it die off.

Isn't that true of ideas, projects and relationships? If we could be detached enough, could we see that we are in a process of constant renewal? That sometimes our blossoms don't come to fruition, but we still have the possibility of more in the future? Would we be more likely to take set-backs in stride and just see ourselves continually moving forward?

Life Entrepreneurs Know No Thing Lasts Forever

2011-01-19T08:59:00.004-06:00

What does? I think it is the essence of things that transcends their expression in our lives. True love lasts forever, but it shows up in tangible forms that have finite existence. The value of expressing love is it keeps it alive in us--we are filled with the essence of being when we feel love.

I've been spending the last six months or so thinking about my life, wondering what comes next, letting go of some old ideas, old ways of doing things--clearing the way for more. I've cleaned closets, cleaned up my office, cleaned up some loose ends with people. I've had some fun, had some sad days, realized a lot of things that I'm ready to talk about.

I've thought a lot about relationships, what they mean, how long they last, what it means when they don't last. I've had many very important friends that I no longer see. Of those I wish I could see, I find myself reaching out from time to time--and sometimes we get together, but sometimes the geographic distance is too great, and sometimes we live near each other but the other kind of distance between us is too great.

When I realize that we're not going to connect in the way I would like, I just send them love and light--sounds sort of funny writing it, but what I mean is that my feeling of connection continues, even when I don't feel it reciprocated. That makes it feel more palatable somehow.

So that is one of the things that doesn't last forever: the form of connection I have with others. The essence remains--I still feel love for and toward them--but the form of how we relate to each other didn't last. The relationship changes because we change how we show up and it shifts the dynamic irrevocably.

I think this is about frequency resonation. Sometimes we are on the same frequency, sometimes not. If we look at our interactions like radio wave patterns then we can see that sometimes we just aren't dialing in on the frequency that someone else is sending out--and vice versa! In the same vein, I think we cycle in and out of relationships and one of the hardest things to face is that the cycle may be over, even when we still care about someone.

I've helped a lot of people unravel themselves from entanglements. The way out is to love the experience, see what it gave to their life and feel blessed by it. That doesn't sound too difficult, but it is sometimes a challenge to get enough distance from the emotional hold to see it clearly. What is clear to me, but hard for them to see, is that the thing most difficult to let go of is the dream of what it could have been, not the reality of what is.

As my friend Dr. Nav Ropra says, "My relationship is with Love itself. If someone chooses to participate in my relationship with love, I am grateful. If she chooses to leave, and not participate in my relationship with love, I am also grateful. Nothing stops me in my relationship with Love as it does not depend on the 'other'."

Life Entrepreneurs Take Amazing Journeys

2010-08-24T09:20:00.000-05:00

It has almost been two weeks since I left Dallas on a journey of self-love. I packed up my car and drove to New Mexico to see friends in Santa Fe and followed up that delightful visit by heading to Colorado and seeing different sets of friends--staying at their homes and mixing in their lives for a few days at a time. I call it a journey of self-love because I keep clearing away the clutter in my mind and when I look out I see these wonderful people reflecting love back to me.

I spent time in Eagle with some amazing and delightful children, and now am on my way to see my grandson. Children are so inspiring because they are always in the present. And that is pretty much what this journey has been about for me. Loving simply being with people, looking out at the incredible vistas from my car as I drive, just sitting and looking at a beautiful tree in the distance.

I have (gratefully) been welcomed with open arms at each stopping point. My friends and I have shared moments that are unforgettable for me. As I have been writing about money and the challenges of recovering from what seemed to be financial disaster last year, I can truly say that I have an even greater sense of my wealth as I travel around.

First of all, just being able to drive through the incredible beauty of Texas, New Mexico and Colorado gives me a sense that I am the wealthiest woman on the planet. On one little jaunt between Frisco and Boulder I missed a turn and ended up going across a mountain pass that took me above the timber line and around amazing hairpin turns--I was in suspension between terror and exhilaration as I drove the narrow pass with no guardrail on the drop down side.... It was so beautiful, I was almost overwhelmed. And so glad I missed the turn so I could do it!

That was the same day I spent a morning working on some old beliefs that I had about myself with my friend Jolina in Frisco--she sort of cornered me before I left, challenging me to work on something she had heard me say that didn't ring true. We had spent the last three days working on her stuff--I love to do that, and couldn't have asked for a better setting for our work. When she challenged me, I felt so young and vulnerable, and grateful at the same time for having someone there to care enough about me to help me see something that I was blind to. Such a paradox that we can have amazing insights about others and remain blind to our own internal stumbling blocks.

She helped me see that I was harboring the secret fear that I had made bad choices--especially in relationships--for my whole life. I just hadn't been able to uncover that fear by myself. It was buried too deep and when I finally broke through it, I realized that I had been afraid that if I had made such poor choices up to this point, that I could never break that cycle.

She suggested that each choice was exactly right and that it wasn't even possible for me to make a wrong choice--that each situation, each relationship had led me to keep going, traveling through my life as an independent, self-determined woman. And I love the life I've lived! So how could I have been at the same time so afraid that I had screwed it up?

I think it is the human condition to not be able to see those hidden fears, what we bury inside to avoid looking at. My take on it is that the fears actually drive us to keep striving, learning and growing--and they will stay hidden until we don't need them to push us anymore and we are ready to create another strategy for growth.

I don't need to be afraid about what choices I make because I am clear that all choices lead to grace. So letting go of the old stragegy is easy, now that I see it. And the self-love part is that I manifested the exact right person in the exact right moment to help me uncover the fear, work through it and move on. I feel lighter, freer and definitely more open to new experiences.

And that same day I met a new friend who reminded me that the more open I am, the more possibilities there are for expressing the love I feel for myself and others. Letting go of an old fear has led me to new experiences--and the cosmic joke plays out again.

I am so grateful to Janni and Richard, to Krissy, Augie, Addie and Hans, to Christiane, to Jolina and Doug, to Joanie and Renny, to Laney and Mike, and to Craig for all showing up in their amazing glory to help me remember what self-love is really all about--appreciating the beautiful "other" human beings in front of us because they are our faithful mirrors, reflecting us back to ourselves. If I can have these people open their hearts, arms and homes to me, I must be doing something right!

Life Entrepreneurs Balance Life and Work

2010-08-08T13:22:00.002-05:00

A client recently leaned over and almost whispered to me what she was concerned would be a shocking admission. She doesn't get nearly the "juice" from spending time with her family as she does from working!

I wasn't surprised in the least and told her so. But, she cried--what about all this balancing life and work stuff? Doesn't that mean that I'm out of balance?

I realized later that this is the dilemma of highly productive, very involved women. You rarely hear a man talk about this. It is a given, especially for those over 45 or so, that men work. They focus on work. They are rewarded and praised for working.

Women may be more likely to be criticized for the same thing. "What about your other responsibilities?" they are asked. "What about your children? Does your husband mind that you work so much?"

This has changed in some ways, as more women are divorced and keep working, it becomes acceptable for them to be driven and focused--they have to support themselves. But married women are not given the same leeway. They are constantly scrutinized and judged for their behavior. After all, they aren't the primary earners.... Or are they? We've seen surveys over the past few years documenting the change in earning power of women. Sometimes they are making more money.

Whether they are bigger earners or not, the question still needs to be considered: Is it acceptable for married women to be career driven? Do they deserve to be put in a different category?

And women who aren't married but still have children at home--aren't they subject to more pressure when trying to juggle family and work? Especially since many of these women don't have a great deal of support from the childrens' fathers?

I'm not trying to say that this only applies to women. I know there are some men who are raising children on their own, and facing similar issues. And I'm not taking a "super feminist" stand here. I'm just talking about what I see out there in the world.

So, what did I say to my client?

I told her that the amount of time she spends with her husband and children isn't nearly as important as the quality of time she gives them. In actuality, they are just as busy with their lives as she is, and she may be making more of a story about this than necessary because she feels guilty--especially because of the points I made above.

The odds are that if she tried to get more of their time, they would not be available! We often forget that people are manifesting their own lives, not in reaction to us, but based on their own values. The point is to link the quality time she does spend with them to nourishing herself and creating a solid home base so she is more free to go out and work.

I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our loved ones, both family and friends, is be the most fulfilled, authentic, creative, vibrant, alive and dynamic people we can possibly be. That does require some "down time"--setting up some sort of system for rejuvenation from the stress of working. We all need that, whether we know it or not.

Instead of feeling guilty about what we're not doing, I suggest we take stock of all the beneficial things we do to take care of ourselves. Then, from a more open-minded perspective, we can find more ways to enhance our sense of balance. Letting our family and friends know how much they mean to us, how important they are to us helps a lot.

And we can always find a bit of time to spend with people, especially if we recognize the value they bring to our lives. If we approach them from a place of gratitude and appreciation for the parts they play in our overall well-being, they will be much more likely to look forward to seeing us and be much less demanding, and they will have fewer expectations of us. A small amount of fulfilling, quality time with them is probably all they really want from us!

When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we will see our loved ones mirror them back to us. If we have a more objective, self-appreciating view of ourselves and how we are living our lives, that is what they will reflect back to us in their actions and attitudes.

Which do you want in your experience?

Life Entrepreneurs Ponder Relationships

2010-07-31T13:15:00.003-05:00

I feel like I'm emerging from one of my caterpillar/larva/pupa/chrysalis/butterfly cycles. I've been diving so deep inside myself over the past several weeks that each time I've tried to sit down and write the words have come out stilted and seem unfamiliar in print.

I love these 'fertile void' periods. They have been a part of my process as long as I can remember, although I still have to resist the temptation to beat myself up for not writing, or being more productive in other ways. I know that whatever is working inside me will produce results if I am patient enough to wait for it.

Waiting is something I've been learning about during this time. Being able to wait requires patience, and patience requires being able to accept what is, as it is, right now, without letting ourselves be disturbed by wanting it to be different. A dear friend reminded me of that a few days ago, and I've been thinking a lot about it since then.

This year I tried dating again. I was serious about it, was willing to take the time to meet new guys, find out if we could build something together. I didn't have much success, in creating something long term, but I did get to know some great guys. They just weren't my guys.

So did I flunk relationships? I don't think so. I simply needed to remind myself of all the relationships I am already in, that are working quite well, that give me a deep sense of fulfillment in my life.

Another friend sent me a chapter from the book Goddesses in Everywoman: Powerful Archetypes in Women's Lives by Jean Shinoda Bolen that talks about the "Virgin Goddesses" -- Artemis, Hestia and Athena. Virgin in this sense doesn't mean anything about sexual experience, it means those who have not been "penetrated" by the demands of society or by the dominance of men in their lives. They are independent, live from within their souls and according to their own values, not by those dictated by others.

I can see that I have a lot of that energy going on inside of me--else why would I be able to walk away from situations, relationships, experiences that don't seem a fit for me so easily? I have secretly harbored a fear that I might be cold somehow, or unfeeling because I do that. But I know how deeply I feel things, and care about others. For me, it isn't about not caring. It is more about not being able to continue down a path, any path, that doesn't fit my higher purpose and/or my sense of my authentic self.

Yet I still grapple with the inner desire to partner up with someone.

Am I "destined" to live the rest of my life "un-partnered"? Am I too demanding to just let go and "be" with a man? Am I too much like the model I was given by my mother, who based her life around my father for 62 years, so that when I get into a relationship I unconsciously slip into an emotionally submissive role that quickly feels untenable so I have to get out of it quickly? Am I too strong? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I afraid of being too vulnerable?

One thing the past year has given me is an ability to surrender to vulnerability. I have a much clearer understanding about the order of things--and how little we can actually influence what goes on around us. I still say what I mean and explain things to people, but I have no illusions that they will change their lives because of anything I say or do. I see my role as a catalyst--then it is up to them to act on what they choose--and live the way that works for them.

So, I feel comfortable being around others being themselves. I am open to seeing what comes, not attached to making something happen. I feel free to live my life the way I choose. What does that lead to? I'm not sure, but I think this question of relationships is going to be with me for a while.

Interesting.

Life Entrepreneurs Spend Money Wisely

2010-06-03T19:20:00.000-05:00

I bought a new sofa on Monday. That may not sound like a really important fact to many people, but it was a BIG thing for me to do. Instead of spending money over the last year, I have saved every penny possible, and used the rest to pay down debt. Financial crisis will do that to you! And having a sense of impending doom--at almost sixty-three, I felt I had the spectre of major poverty ahead when I no longer had a cushion of money to use in my elder years.

Losing "everything" is never actually possible, but I did feel a great loss when I realized what had happened last year. For the first three months or so, I mostly had panic attacks. This morning I was sitting in a chair and noticed some papers next to me with notes I wrote last summer trying to get my bearings. They were about trying to feel I could have some modicum of control. My friend Beth had advised me to look at my life as if I were running a projector and could change the film thus change the picture of what I had before me. The film was essentially my own thoughts--which were the only things I had any possibility of controlling.

I spent days writing notes to myself, struggling to get a grip on myself. I felt hopeless, stupid, idiotic, foolish, incapable of handling the slightest stress. I cried and cried. Lida says one of the best things that happened from that period in my life is that I literally burned the shame out of myself.

We all grow up with a certain amount of shame--it is endemic to the human experience--but there were hidden stashes of shame inside me that I hadn't wanted to know about. They all rose to the surface and I had to look at everything. I had no choice. I was vulnerable and exposed--with nothing left to protect me.

As I slowly built back my sense of self, I realized that some of what I had valued in life had been more about my external identity than the essential things that were there all along: love of family and friends, opportunities to keep growing and learning, seeing wealth as the abundance of life and experiences that are always around us. I re-evaluated everything and found that my true wealth was ever present and had nothing to do with how much money I had in my accounts.

I did start doing the Forced Accelerated Savings Technique I learned from John Demartini (start with an amount of savings each month and increase it by 10% every three months, because you won't feel it and it will grow exponentially). I have saved a lot of money since last fall, and I keep saving and raising it as prescribed. The theory is that as we commit to that kind of self-discipline and love toward ourselves, it will also bring evidence of abundance from other sources. I have found that to be true. Other things in my life have increased in value since I re-started that process. [For more information, I recommend the book How to Get to Heaven and Still Make a Hell of a Profit by John F. Demartini.]

But most of the change in me is from my commitment to myself, what I value and, as I've written a lot about, listening to my inner voice and valuing myself. I remember a few months ago, sitting on the floor exercising and realizing that I had done so many things in my life to help others, and some of the motive behind that was so I would be important and have value to them. I realized that in some ways my identity depended on that recognition from others. The question that came to mind at that moment was this: when am I going to be that important to myself?

It set off a process of re-evaluation that I hope will continue for as long as I am on this planet. I've had to catch myself a few times agreeing to do something then realizing it wasn't really something that worked for me, so having to back out and not do it. That sort of goes against the idea of fulfilling all commitments, but it supports the idea of listening to my inner voice.

Back to the new sofa. When I called Lida the next morning to tell her about buying it, I heard myself say something monumental to her: I'm not afraid that I will run out of money anymore. I truly believe that I will figure things out as I go, and that I won't end up destitute and desperate. That is why I was able to take some of the money I got from my tax refund and buy the sofa. It doesn't mean I'm going on a spending spree, it just means that I am taking care of myself and allowing myself to do something I really want to do.

As for the year I have spent working toward this point, I can only say thank you--to the situation that put me into the panic, to the people who have helped me along the way, to my mother who has been a rock and constant reminder of how important it is to be grateful to be alive. To crawl back from what seemed to be complete devastation makes the pain and challenge of it worth while.

I am doing okay. I am continuing to save money, I am being careful how I spend money, I am actually enjoying doing laundry and taking care of many of the things I used to delegate. Maybe even when or if I could afford to delegate those things again, I would just keep doing them anyway. I like taking care of myself and my home. I keep being reminded of what Thomas Moore said in Care of the Soul: carrying water and chopping wood--doing menial tasks around his home was a fulfilling, rewarding occupation, kept him grounded and present and grateful for everyday life.

And that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm grateful for my everyday life. And I'm really grateful that I get to have a new sofa!

Life Entrepreneurs Are True to Themselves

2010-05-31T13:46:00.001-05:00

We have certain moments in our lives that are pivotal, that matter more than anything else at that particular moment. Those are the moments that define us, inform our lives and change the way we relate to others.

This morning I was talking with Lida and we realized that this past month we have both had those kinds of moments. Hers is about her health. Mine is about relationships. They have equal importance because it is what is up for us right now.

In this series of blogs about being a Life Entrepreneur, I have been sharing my inner thoughts about my life and what I see around me. I keep talking about listening to the inner voice each of us has--paying attention to it above all else. John Demartini says when the voice on the inside is stronger than the voices on the outside, that is true integrity. I have dedicated myself to living my life from the inside out for as long as I can remember, however, that doesn't mean I have achieved it. It is my life journey, my greatest challenge. Each morning I wake up and recite my life purpose: I believe we are here to learn to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold. To me, that expresses this life journey.

So today, Lida was working on how to face something about her health that was really about taking care of herself--upping the ante on valuing herself. Over the last two weeks, I have been re-setting myself in terms of relationships--upping the ante on valuing myself. I love that we seem to parallel each other--and have been doing so for 35 years!

We don't try to tell each other what to do. We mainly listen to each other and share what we are feeling. I find it enormously helpful, as does she. One of the best things about having a true Best Friend for 35 years is that I absolutely know that she is ever-present, won't walk away from me no matter what I say or do. And she can count on the same from me. So when we have to deal with other people in our lives, knowing that we have each other gives us courage to stand up for ourselves, tell the truth, make the hard decisions and keep moving forward. We have each other's backs.

I ended a relationship two weeks ago. When it started, I had such high hopes for it. I thought I had met someone I could really be myself with. But it didn't work out. The worst part of it is that after five or so weeks into it, I stopped being all of myself and I started doing really crazy things. At first, I tried to talk with him about it--share how I felt, keep the communication going. His response to that was to deflect--to tell me the things I was feeling were off base, that I was wrong.

After going through the last year of hell learning to live with making the worst financial decisions of my entire life and slowly growing back into someone who could trust her body, trust her inner voice, that response didn't work for me. I tried to tell him that I had to listen to my body, that I couldn't go against my inner voice. From that moment on, we became people I didn't like anymore. He was distant, I was frustrated, he was dishonest and so was I. I did things I wouldn't want to do again, became sneaky about trying to prove what my inner voice was telling me. I did find proof, I did validate my feelings, but I didn't find a way to tell him how much I really knew. I don't think he ever found a way to face up to what he had actually done--not in being dishonest, but in having discounted my feelings and efforts to stay connected.

After the situation became untenable, I walked away. Yes, I have a history of walking away from relationships, and I get accused, from time to time, of being someone who can't or won't commit to truly being in a relationship. I don't believe that is true. I am deeply committed to myriad relationships. Commitment is not my problem. Being in something that isn't a fit for me is where I have a problem.

Perhaps it is because I have had to face myself and take responsibility for the direction my life has taken, but I am just not willing to stay in situations that don't work. It may make me seem cold or unfeeling, but I would rather have the whole world against me than go against my own soul.

I've started seeing someone else and although it is too soon to tell where it is going, I feel open, honest and authentic because we both seem to have reached a point where telling the truth feels right. We ask each other a lot of questions, and we answer honestly. Feels good. I feel authentic, and my body tells me it is true. What is most important to me in all of this is that I feel more connected to myself and haven't had to edit what I say and haven't been told that what I feel is wrong.

What I'm really saying is that my relationship with myself seems to be flourishing. Knowing I haven't left myself behind, ignored my intuition, denigrated my feelings, or discounted my inner voice is letting me actually sleep through the night--as anyone who is over sixty will tell you is a blessing in itself!

I still have the possibility of ending up alone, but I prefer to see it as all-one with myself. And if I am with me, then being true to myself is worth it.

Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive

2010-05-26T13:58:00.001-05:00

Last night I was reminded of one of my favorite phrases: It's not the decision you make it's what you put behind the decision that counts. When I said it, a friend commented, "I wish someone had told me that a long time ago!"

Sometimes I am accused of being "too decisive," which really means the choice I made isn't what that person wanted me to choose. How important is it that our decisions are compatible with those around us?

If I were living with someone, involved in a committed relationship or had daily interaction as a family member, it would be important to include others in my decision making process. One of the great benefits of living alone is that we don't have to talk about those things with anyone else. Want a new chair? If you can afford it, you can buy it! Want to save money? Want to spend money? It is your decision.

Our decisions do affect others, though, so it makes sense to consider them even if they don't have "deciding rights." In dating, for example, to decide to stop seeing someone may be a unilateral decision that all parties don't agree with. But if one doesn't, it really wouldn't make sense to keep dating just so the other person would feel better, would it?

And when you're first dating someone, it is sort of challenging to figure out how much joint decision making to engage in. Do you look at your calendars and plan times to see each other? Sort of takes away the spontaneity. But then you might make plans that conflict with the other person, so some conversation helps. All this is really interesting to deal with as a dating person in my sixties. Most of my friends, who are married or in couple relationships, don't even think about this stuff!

Other decisions are challenging to make when you're by yourself. I can remember when I was married I really enjoyed having a sounding board for all kinds of choices I made. Since I've been single for twenty years, I find that I have different friends I go to for different topics--which makes it really great since when I only relied on my husband as a sounding board, we often went in a direction that didn't particularly work, because we didn't always have enough information to make a wise decision.

It sounds like I'm touting the benefits of being single, but I'm really not. I would love to have a true companion that can be a great sounding board, yet still offer me the challenge and support I need to grow. But this time around, I wouldn't even consider giving up my friends as sounding boards also--because they are too much a part of my life.

And, the information and advice I get from my friends helps me put my energy behind my decisions, which is the most important part! The thing about really going with a decision and not doing a lot of second guessing is that it gives me a way to fully experience my choice. I can always choose something else if it doesn't work out. But if I don't decide something in the first place, and fully act it out, then I'm just sitting in limbo, which doesn't work for me.

Which takes me back to the title of this piece, Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive. If we weren’t we wouldn’t be carving out our lives, we’d be waiting for something to happen. I remember something I got from one of my coaching trainers:

“Some people wait for things to happen; some people watch things happening; some people make things happen.”

I believe that Life Entrepreneurs make things happen. However, from this perspective of having lived a bit more of life than when I first saw those words 17 years ago, I now see a benefit in also waiting for things to happen and watching things happen. As a Life Entrepreneur, I have gained an appreciation for BEING here, not just being the activator—which means a lot happens around me that I don’t need or want to control.

I had to come to a decision about that. I had to decide that I was ready to stop trying so hard in life and allow it to also happen. In the beginning, that felt very risky, but now that I’m more used to it, I’m really glad I put a lot of energy behind that decision. It certainly makes my life more interesting!

Life Entrepreneurs Ask Questions About Life and Death

2010-05-10T17:57:00.001-05:00

Today I learned that Hollis Burns, a guy I knew in high school who was sixty-three years old died yesterday. He had apparently played golf Sunday afternoon and gone home, and was found sitting in a chair holding a newspaper. This guy looked healthy the last time I saw him. He was only a year older than I.

It made me think about how little control we actually have over our lives. We think we control things, we think we make things happen. But do we really?

How much of what we experience is beyond our influence? Did Hollis have a fear of death? Was he secretly worried about things? Did he take care of his health? I don't know, because I hadn't spoken with him in a few years. I saw him at the funeral of another high school friend a couple of months ago, but we didn't speak. I didn't actually know him well. He was a year ahead of me in school, a big football player type, and I was in one of my shy periods, so only noticed him from afar.

I spend a lot of energy caring about exercise and eating things that are really good for me. I do my morning meditations, I pay attention to my thoughts, I monitor and attempt to live my life strategically. But does that give me an edge? Could I be found in a chair holding a newspaper one day--sooner than later?

I have no idea, but it is possible. I've written a lot about the financial crisis I experienced last year, and I still wonder at myself that I didn't see it coming. But could I have? Would I be happier with myself if I had figured it all out and prevented it from happening?

Can we forestall our death? Or a financial crisis? Can we cover enough bases to keep life from teaching us hard lessons? I don't think so. I think these lessons, these crises serve us, make us stronger, exercise our "life muscles" so that we can keep going. But even when we do keep going, can that prevent what would seem, as in this case, a premature death?

This takes me back to an overused but still valuable adage: Live life each day to the fullest because we have no control over what will happen tomorrow.

I've been practicing that consciously for many years--especially since I was asked the question, What would you do if you only had twenty-four hours left to live?

What would you do? Would you try to make sure others did what you wanted? Would you do some fun thing you had always wanted to do? Would you gather the people you love around you and make sure they knew they were loved and appreciated?

Would you be angry? Would you be grateful for the life you've had? Would you try to patch up conflicts? Would you make sure your estate went to the people you wanted to benefit from it? Would you be able to find a way to say things you hadn't been able to say before?

Would the veil of defensiveness drop away and would you be able to speak the complete truth as you knew it? Even then knowing that it would still only be your version of the truth?

Is it possible to live our lives like that before we reach the last twenty-four hours? Could we find a way to be that true to ourselves in the here and now?

Is that what being a Life Entrepreneur leads us to? Living authentically? Living from the best version of the truth as we know it?

Perhaps writing this is a way to honor the life of Hollis Burns. To take his untimely passing as an impetus to ask ourselves more questions, seek some way to understand how and why life works the way it does. I am feeling a bit sad that I didn't have another conversation with him. I don't know that it would have meant anything to him, but at least I would have felt I knew something more about him.

How many people do we cross paths with and not really know? And then they are gone.

Life Entrepreneurs Face the Worst and Keep Going

2010-05-01T10:43:00.001-05:00

When I first started writing this, it was about dealing with disappointment and moving through it. Today, I had to erase what I originally wrote because of a tragedy in the life of Karen, one of my dearest friends.

This morning her five year old grandson, Matthew, died from complications of a bone marrow transplant. His little brother, Andrew, died from the same thing last August.

Both children had a genetically transmitted blood disease, very rare--only a few children in the world (as far as I know under twenty) had manifested this particular strain. They were being treated by specialists in Cincinnati who did everything humanly possible to save their lives. Sadly, that didn't happen.

I had the honor of getting to know Matthew when he spent time with his grandmother here in Dallas. He was the liveliest, brightest, most active little boy I had been around in years. He had millions of questions, almost never stopped moving--was full of life. To know what he went through after the bone marrow transplant, which reduced him to an invalid, seems like more than a tragedy. But what was to be done? He had a disease and treatment seemed to be the only option.

I know his darling parents will take each day at a time and try to find some sanity over the next few months after spending the better part of the last three years in hospitals trying to save their children. What they did, and how strong they are, and what it took for them to keep getting up and taking care of those little boys each day was truly monumental.

Just knowing people like that feels sacred. I last saw Justin, Matthew's dad, at a party for his mom's birthday. He flew into town for the day, and was warm and friendly and strong, while his wife was back home in the hospital with their son. I marveled then at his courage and ability to keep going.

So this is really about strength and human potential. We all have it. Angeles Arrien, author of one of my favorite books, The Four-Fold Way, has an anonymous quote in that book which says, "People are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."

Justin and Kristin just spent the last few years in the hottest water imaginable and they are strong. My friend Karen, their mother, is strong. The whole family has grown and struggled together to face this. As friends, all we can really do is stand beside them, let them know we love them, and be available to help in any way we can.

Their pain will subside at some point. They will find a way to move forward, as human beings do. Sharing this story is one way I can think of to honor them and their courage. I will never forget Matthew. I have a moment with him etched into my heart:

A few of us stopped by to spend time with Karen and Matthew, who at that point was not visibly ill at all, and I had a chance to sit with him on the sofa and look at an information sheet about Tonka Trucks. He knew the name of almost every one, and we spent a lot of time talking about them and which ones were his favorites. My own beloved grandson, Ethan, wasn’t even conceived at that point, so I took that moment to fully enjoy a grandmother experience, not knowing if I would ever have one of my own. I just kept marveling at his smiling face, his big blue eyes, his boundless energy and his insatiable quest to learn. He was a walking, talking angel.

That is the way I will always remember him, and I have no doubt that he lives on in whatever way life continues after this earth experience and that he and his little brother Andrew would want us to think of them and feel the love of life they both expressed while they lived their short times here with us. For that I thank them, and thank Karen, Justin and Kristin for sharing their lives and their struggle with the rest of us who have grown and learned from being on the sidelines of this incredible journey they have taken. The sadness is real, but so is the love.

Life Entrepreneurs Follow Threads and See Where They Lead

2010-04-21T16:49:00.002-05:00

I was having lunch with a dear friend today listening to a great story of how he met a guy at his children's school who was launching a project and they got to talking about it, which led to my friend giving him some pointers on his presentation and getting very interested in supporting him in fulfilling his dream. As we were talking, I realized that it was also possible that my friend could see that as a way to branch out for himself, that by helping this new friend, he could explore ways to go in a new direction. He has a good business, but sometimes doesn't feel as inspired as he would like, so wants to see if there is more for him out in the world.

I call that following the thread--when something shows up in front of us, do we discount it, do we just notice it, or do we let ourselves follow the thread and see where it leads?

I wrote recently that I had spent a good part of the last eleven years studying with John Demartini. That was an example of following a thread. I had made friends with the guys who did the taping of the workshops during the annual conference on Business and Consciousness held in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, in 1998. After I returned home, they sent me a tape of a workshop I hadn't attended run by a Demartini student that explained and took people through the Quantum Collapse Process (now called The Demartini Method). I was so intrigued that I searched out Demartini and by June of the next year took my first workshop with him. Now, after over 55 classes with him, I'm following another thread of seeing how well I can apply what I have learned outside of the form of student/teacher and into the just live it place.

I met the leader of Count Me In for Women's Economic Independence at a conference and offered her some pointers on how to see a situation differently and ended up working with her for three years as Executive Coach of the Make Mine a Million $ Business program. That was a very powerful thread to follow! I learned a tremendous amount about myself, women in business and how to be effective in the non-profit world all at the same time.

In 1970 I reconnected with an old friend whose children were in Montessori school and she introduced me to some friends of hers who were Montessori teachers, which led me to meet the woman who was starting a new Montessori Training Institute in Mexico City and I ended up moving there in the fall of 1971 and studying for two years to get a degree in Montessori education. When I connected with my friend, I had no idea where it would lead, but I was open and followed the thread.

After teaching for four years, I tried being a homemaker but wasn't too great at being at home all the time, so went into my husband's office to help file invoices and ended up running a manufacturer's rep firm for twenty-nine years! By following the thread, I ended up finding out I was a business woman, something that hadn't even occurred to me.

These are just a few examples of how I have followed threads throughout my life. I don't think I'm so different from other people, but I think I might be more aware of the patterns we create in our lives as we move through them. This is part of why I'm writing my series on being a Life Entrepreneur, so that others can see the ways that they already are--and by being more conscious of it, make choices that really work for them.

We carve out our lives and we follow threads--in this way we do our part in collaborating with higher intelligence to live fully. We have no control over the world, what happens around us, what others think, say or do. But we do have control over the choices we make, and the more conscious we are of that fact, the greater the possibility of making choices that truly serve us and those around us.

Love that!

Life Entrepreurs Share Their Thoughts.... This time from The Stone Kitchen

2010-03-22T18:24:00.002-05:00

Last week I wrote about inviting my friends to send me their comments and letting me start expanding my blog. I was in Houston on Friday, visiting with Elizabeth Stone of The Stone Kitchen, encouraging her to write her own blog to support her new cookbook (that she already has a contract to publish!) and so she sent me the following sample.

My notion is that we're all Life Entrepreneurs--we all have something unique and special to share with the world. Here's what Liz wrote about her struggle to get her cookbook completed:

“No Stone Left Unturned” by Elizabeth Stone
Today is Saturday March 20, 2010

Writing a book is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have catered over 15,000 events over the last 20 years. I have catered with no water, no electricity for hundreds of people in some very strange locations. None of it, not even when I couldn’t make the payroll or when I was worried about the lights being cut off for lack of cash flow, has been as difficult as writing this book.

What’s the big deal? Why is it so hard to get the words on a page. I am writing about all the experiences and tricks that I have learned over the last 20 years in the catering business. Really or as my niece would say’ “Seriously E, really – you haven’t finished that book.” “Do I need to help you finish it?” My niece is 9 and seems to be ready to write and create and offer advice.

I must have a serious problem - I have self diagnosed myself with something called writer’s block. Has this ever happened to you? What is writer’s block anyway? All of a sudden, you can’t spell or type or think of anything even remotely creative. My motto is I can fix anything with cream and butter. Is that the solution? Add a little cream and butter. Maybe that is really the problem. I have been trying to cut back on fats lately. Why in the world would I do that? Heavens, that has got to be the problem. No butter, no cream, no writing. Hopefully after indulging in some much needed butter and cream, the creativity will come flowing again.

I second that emotion, Elizabeth! Maybe the butter and cream for you is feeling supported and encouraged by those of us who know you and are cheering you on! I can't wait to see the cookbook!

I can certainly empathize with her about how easy it is to get stuck in a blocked place and begin to doubt my creativity and ability. My remedy for it is to talk about it, get help, exercise, and just keep going. What's yours?

Life Entrepreneurs Turn Disappointments into Opportunities

2010-03-15T12:26:00.001-05:00

I just spent one of those amazing weekends that reaffirm the divine order of life. It started out on Friday evening with a deep, painful disappointment. It ended on Sunday evening with a deep, abiding sense that I am on the right path, that I am grateful, that I have so much ahead of me.

I see once again from the experience that I am resilient, able to walk through painful moments, willing to embrace what comes. Those are essential qualities for Life Entrepreneurs.

On Friday evening, someone I felt a deep connection to, that I genuinely cared about, decided not to be my friend anymore. It was a shock to my system--I experienced all the symptoms of shock: numbness, chills, disbelief. It felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, and I couldn't seem to make sense of it. So I got some help, called a few of my friends for support, made it through a fairly sleepless Friday night, then sort of zombied through the day on Saturday. Since I didn't know what to do, I didn't do much of anything.

That afternoon I went to see my mom and we watched some movies together, very comforting, so by the time I came back home, I could feel my body start to relax. That evening I watched TV and kept falling asleep, so I knew something was shifting.

I spoke about it a bit during the day, but sort of gave up trying to understand what happened, because I didn't really think I could at that moment.

Saturday night I slept more, and woke up with a bit more energy, ready to exercise and keep going. After my shower, I actually felt the warmth of gratitude for my friend, understanding more about the decision that was made.

As I was walking through my morning routine, my phone rang. A dear friend from Santa Fe called--she was stuck in DFW because of plane delays to New York and did I want to get together? Not only was I thrilled to hear her voice, but I was also sort of amazed. Janet Schreiber is one of the foremost experts, and has spent years teaching the graduate program at the University of New Mexico, on the subjects of death, grief, loss and trauma. And here she was, dropped into my life so to speak, on the ideal day at the ideal time for me.

Had to be cosmic.

She was glad to join me and my mom for our day of taking care of my grandson. I picked her up and the three of us spent the most delightful time with Ethan--what a lucky baby! Three doting grandmothers all taking turns playing with him, feeding him, marveling at his brilliance and energy. We were all in heaven! Janni and I cooked lunch, Mom watched Ethan, we shared food and great conversation.

After Mom and the baby went home, Janni and I watched a show about Jeff Koons, the artist, we visited about our lives, and gradually got into exploring life in our sixties, the choices we have ahead of us, the challenges of having lived very full, demanding lives and now finding ourselves with space and time to explore new directions, knowing that we still have productive, meaningful work ahead of us. We're just not so sure what it is, what it looks like, how to move forward into it.

She read my blog and encouraged me to keep writing--felt it is very important for women to express their innermost thoughts and share them. Many women are going through similar experiences, and not many are writing about how it feels to be here. Most of the people we know have been deeply affected by the economic crisis, we are all feeling our way along to find ways to cope with reduced retirement resources, how to turn these challenges into opportunities.

I asked her to be a guest blogger--and I hope she will encourage other women to send me their thoughts and ideas. I saw that we could expand what I'm writing into a sort of forum for women to speak. I hadn't ever thought of that before--but it made perfect sense!

And I encouraged her to expand her work, make it more available to the world. Since the death of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Janni could now take up the mantle of spreading her knowledge of dealing with death, grief, trauma and loss. She is an amazing teacher, a great resource for so many, and we need her shining presence to turn to.

We had such a great time talking, sharing ideas, exploring new directions. Very inspiring. Very encouraging. Very comforting. And I remembered that I have so much more ahead of me. That my disappointments always lead me into new directions, that I cannot possibly suffer a loss without a gain. When I took her back to her hotel, we touched on my experience of sadness, and she encouraged me to see the benefits of it, what I could learn about myself through it, to see how it was just part of my process of growth. What a blessing to have a therapist drop into my life at the exact moment I needed a little counseling! What a blessing to be able to share our strengths with each other!

She loved the concept of being a Life Entrepreneur. It was just the encouragement I needed to keep writing, to keep exploring and to stay open. To not let one sad experience affect me so much that I would close my heart and go back into hiding. I'm staying out in the world. I'm willing to have my heart hurt again. It is worth it to feel this alive and full of possibilities.

Life Entrepreneurs Fall In and Out of Love

2010-03-01T19:55:00.000-06:00

I was having my early morning call with my friend Lida today and as I was talking I realized I had made a very big change in my life and only by putting it into words did I see its impact. Almost eleven years ago I discovered the teachings of John Demartini and I can honestly say that I fell in love with studying what he had to offer. I spent the next several years going to classes all over the place--I even took some in Paris and Mexico--although most of them were in the US.

I met amazing, wonderful people along the way. I studied like crazy and got certified to teach his method (now called The Demartini Method) and found that I could take what I learned and apply it easily, and that it helped a lot of people, especially me.

It seemed to synthesize all the other things I had studied over the years. One of the great benefits to running into a lot of life challenges is that it drove me to seek answers, try to find ways to understand and move through some very difficult periods. I was hungry for more, I was willing to do whatever it took to learn and keep growing. It informed my work, and I became a really good business owner, coach, teacher, consultant, combining those teachings with my own experiences and finding ways to really integrate it all together.

Over the last year, I started to feel something different about studying with John. His classes seemed very familiar and I would find my mind wandering. I went to a repeat class of some really interesting material and got sick, as if my body just couldn't absorb any more information. I decided to go to more classes to see how it felt, what I got from them. I still loved the teaching, but I found I didn't love being there. I was easily distracted.

When I faced my big financial crisis last year, I used all the tools I had learned and they helped, but it still took me time to work through my process. I began to embrace that time, to stop beating myself up for not "getting it" sooner, for not finding peace more easily. The difficulty became my teacher. Waking up in a panic was my sign that I was still here, still working, still alive somehow.

Over the last month things have shifted again, and I have found myself getting lightning insights in the middle of being on the floor doing Pilates, or talking with Lida, or reflecting on something someone said. I have been more aware of myself, noticed how I was feeling more easily. I have been a bit of a hermit off and on for the last year or so, but it has been a rich time. I have been very selective about conversations, sharing what I could, when I could, and letting myself wait, and watch, and wonder what would come next.

So this morning, talking with Lida, I realized I'm not in love with being a Demartini student anymore. I love the work, I love that he is out there spreading his message around the globe, I love that new people discover his teachings and fall in love with studying them. I love that I engaged fully in that endeavor.

And I love what it led me to. I love that I am now in love with studying my own life. Being in it. Living it. Finding ways to enjoy it--my family, my friends, my relationships have a deeper meaning to me than ever before. I can sit and watch nature around me and feel that sense of peace that I used to go searching for. I can express my vulnerability and a friend will send me a CD to listen to, one that helps me feel more of myself. I am aware that I am loved.

I fell in love with my own life. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with my family. I fell in love with my friends. I don't think I would be here, in this place, if I hadn't been so strident, worked so hard all these years to learn from this wonderful teacher, John Demartini. And I hope to continue to stay connected to him and work with him from time to time. And I am deeply grateful that I met him, that I learned from him and that he has modeled to me what it looks like to be so driven and focused, so completely dedicated to his mission.

Now it is time for me to be dedicated to myself. Thanks to all that help, I think I'm up to the task.

Life Entrepreneurs Get That It Takes Time to Grow and Change

2010-02-23T20:14:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of feelings. One day I wake up panicked about the future, another day I feel calm and present. I realize that I have entered a New Frontier of my life, and lacking a clear road map, I find I must trust that these waves of emotion are part of the journey.

My friend Lida reminded me the other day that it hasn't even been a year since I discovered that my financial situation was not what it had seemed. I look back and remember days when I didn't think I could breathe, but here I am, over eight months later still breathing, feeling stronger, working my plan to regain the stability that seemed to have been lost.

I had serious ankle surgery in November 2004 and I remember the first time I was able to walk in regular shoes and go shopping for a bit at the local mall. This was probably in March or April, four or five months after the surgery. I tried to wear a pair of sandals and after thirty minutes, I realized I could barely walk in them. My feet just weren't ready! I had to limp back home and put on something very sensible and sturdy, and I also gave up the idea of doing any shopping for another few months.

Looking back, I realize it took me a full year before I could walk easily on my refurbished ankle. It took time. And, I ended up giving away a lot of the shoes I used to wear because they just didn't work anymore. When you go in for that kind of procedure, no one tells you that along with the repair, your life is going to change!

So why would I be surprised that I still feel the effects of what I now see as post traumatic stress over my discovery last June? An emotional trauma is just as life altering as a physical one, no?

Time is our great ally in recovery. I keep being reminded of old adages: you can't push the river; all good things in good time; time heals all wounds (and time wounds all heels......). They are a bit trite but true nonetheless.

A friend who spends a lot of time with her grandson watching Finding Nemo reminded me of what Dory the clown fish said over and over: keep swimming--keep swimming! That's a great thing to do as we live through the time it takes to recover from disaster.

And, I also know that as I'm swimming, I experience a whole range of feelings: I'm scared I won't make it! The new waters I'm navigating feel alien! I keep having to reach out for help.

As I've said many times before in this space, the more I allow myself to feel my fears, the more I share how I feel with my friends and family, the more vulnerable and open I become, the more I can feel myself, and the closer I feel to them. The curious paradox, the mystery of relationships, there it is--right in front of me. And I'm discovering, daily, the ways I steeled myself to NOT feel, to hide my vulnerability, thinking it would somehow serve me to be the strong one, the one who could handle things.

Instead, it kept me from feeling the fullness of myself, and to be able to fully love and be loved.

Being open and vulnerable creates a space for my friends to reach in and comfort me. So it isn't they who need time--it is I who need time to get comfortable being that transparent, that honest, that willing to let them see me. And today, one of them reminded me of another adage, not so trite or well-known:

Our goal isn't to try to get out of the rain. Our goal is to learn to dance in the rain.

So it took me eight months to be able to take in that idea, really hear it and appreciate it. What are eight months in a full, rich and rewarding life of a woman in her sixties? What are eight months of riding an emotional roller coaster? Too long? What is time really to a Life Entrepreneur but a way to mark progress?

I like thinking about letting my heart dance through this rain--and I'm looking forward to seeing how I feel next week!

Life Entrepreneurs Get Out of Their Own Way

2010-02-14T16:12:00.001-06:00

I went to a party last night and as I was looking around the room, noticing all sorts of things about the people there, that ever present humanness crept up and I found myself comparing my life to what seemed to me to be their lives. I say seemed to be because I didn't know many of them and had no idea what was actual about them, only what I could make up by first impressions.

First of all, I think I was the only single person in the sea of sixty or so in attendance. Not that unusual, since I go all sorts of places on my own, but it was particularly striking to me because this is Valentine's Day weekend and at times like this (holidays especially) I feel more acutely aware of my relationship status. So I thought about who I would be if I had stayed married some twenty years ago, and reassured myself that I wouldn't be who I am today if that were the case.

That set off a sort of internal contemplation that continued through this morning, and I woke up thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in comparison games, wishing games, yearning for some state of being that doesn't seem present in our lives. I called my friend Lida and admitted to her that I felt like a fraud--I have taught people for years about that subject. I truly know that there is nothing missing in life, we just haven't taken the time to find the form it exists in--and we are blind to that form because the story of lack seems more true at that moment.

And it occurred to me that playing the comparison game is one way we get in our own way--we block the energy flow of being present and put so much emphasis on what we think we don't have, that it sort of dams up the free flowing movement which carries within it the possibility of expressing the form we would love to experience. Not having it in a specific form doesn't mean we don't have it (that quality of life we yearn for)--but if we can't see it, we don't have the opportunity to appreciate it.

An example might help.....

If I feel I lack wealth in my life, it may be showing up in my bank account--the "proof" that I am lacking. But if I start looking around, I can find other forms of wealth--family and friends, opportunities for growth, the ability to do what I love to do, my ability to think and understand. Those are some ways I can actually feel wealth. And by recognizing those ways, it takes apart the dam and opens the flow to creating money in my bank account.

As someone who has grappled with a financial challenge over the last year, I see how I have been given the opportunity to keep looking for how I am in my own way, with fear, self-doubt, comparing myself to others, finding myself listing all my frailties and shortcomings and forgetting the valuable things about myself and my life, just as it is. If I keep that up, I'll shrink my bank account even further!

When I start appreciating all the small pleasures in my life, I start expanding my sense of wealth. Today I had lunch with my grandson to celebrate his first birthday. And I realized that he is my eternal Valentine--born on Valentine's Day to remind me that love takes many forms, and one of them is the unconditional love I feel for my sweet Ethan. Just looking at him gives me a sense of wealth beyond measure.

My father used to say, "our children are our investments and our grandchildren are the dividends." How true! When Ethan smiles at me, he doesn't know I'm single, he doesn't care how much money I have in the bank, he isn't even interested in my appearance. He feels my presence and responds to it. He feels my energy, the love I have for him, and he thrives in it. Are there greater riches than that?

The fact that I know this, that I can stem the tide of self-doubt and self-deprecation means I have some tools to use to stay on my path--carving out my life and continuing to grow in awareness and gratitude. The Life Entrepreneur in me won't settle for anything less.

Life Entrepreneurs Engage in Continuous Improvement

2010-01-30T12:41:00.004-06:00

"Those who are victorious plan effectively, and change decisively. They are like a great river that maintains its course, but adjusts its flow. They have form, but are formless. They are skilled in both planning and adapting, and need not fear the result of a thousand battles: For they win in advance, defeating those who have already lost." — Sun Tzu

I am well aware that there is nothing new under the sun, and that most of what I perceive to be 'original' ideas are actually my musings and reinterpretations of what I have read, been taught, talked about with others. This quote, which so powerfully expresses why it is vital to have a vision for one's life, is from The Art of War by Sun Tzu, which I read over twenty-five years ago. It made sense then, and it makes even more sense today.

Yes, it is talking about being victorious, as if it relates mainly to war. But I believe there is a direct correlation between his concepts and the struggles we all face in carving our way through life.

It reminds me of another quote, this one from Norman Vincent Peale, "if you wake up one morning without a problem, you better get on your knees and pray for one, because if you don't have a problem, you're dead!"

Life is about problems, working through them, overcoming adversity, meeting challenges and continuing to grow through it all. The moments of pleasure and peace are fleeting, because another challenge is ever present for us to experience. In fact, this is one of the main topics I work on with most of my coaching clients. They create the fantasy that they will do some heavy duty work, mentally, emotionally and/or physically, and from that will 'arrive' somewhere, where things will be easier.

If you step back and observe your actual life, you will see that each point of achievement brings the next challenge. This process of struggling through to moments of joyful enlightenment and an 'aah' or 'yeah, got it' is never ending. As Demartini frequently says, we cannot finite the infinite. There is no point of enlightenment to reach--at least I can attest to that being true for my human experience. Each ‘outcome’ is the ‘become’ of the next challenge.

We can’t wait to grow up and find true love, a life partner. Then we get engaged and deal with all the issues of learning how to couple with someone. We get married and suddenly have to live together! We have children, fulfilling a dream of creating a family, and then we have to raise them!

The more we grow, the more we see what there is to learn. But we cannot truly grow without a plan, a vision of where we're going. That is what I get from Sun Tzu's idea of a river maintaining its course but adjusting its flow--having form but being formless.

The challenge of being a Life Entrepreneur is to do this consciously. Live each day with a semblance of self-awareness, self-direction, a self-imposed program of Quality Control, using all the great teachings of W. Edwards Deming by creating a system of continuous improvement in our lives. It works in manufacturing, why wouldn't it work in creating the life we would love to live?

Life Entrepreneurs Reach Out and Ask for Help

2010-01-21T14:54:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning doing my little guilt trip on myself about not writing in my blog for a month, feeling out of sorts, wondering why about a lot of things I'm experiencing. The good thing was that my eyes popped open at 8 am, meaning I had slept really well. Being a sort of night owl, I don't usually go to sleep until after midnight, so that meant I clocked at least seven hours and didn't wake up once! Could that mean something? Am I more settled inside? Enough to actually rest?

The past eight months were very unsettling for me. I discovered a major financial disaster around the first of June and spent the next three months crawling out of emotional hell. It seemed that everything I believed about myself blew up in my face. I lost my sense of confidence, doubted whether I would ever be able to make a "right" decision again, and had trouble doing the everyday things like breathing, eating, sleeping, talking to people.

I reached out to coaches and friends little by little, and slowly started to gain some inner stability. I used every bit of knowledge and experience I had to stop panicking and keep breathing. I felt like I was walking around with a big L for loser on my forehead. Cosmic joke: no one else felt that way about me. I actually found the opposite reaction from family and friends. They told me by my feeling so humble and going through such difficult times it made me seem more accessible to them, more real somehow. I had no idea I was sending out the vibe of "having it all together" but it seems that many saw me that way.

I even had clients and students who told me that they felt they had even more to learn from me after seeing me walk through such a challenging time. They felt I would understand and relate to them better because of it.

It is interesting to me how important it is to perceive those around us as just as human as we are. And also how little we really know about how others perceive us. We spend so much time trying to come across as having ourselves together, not realizing that might actually be a turn-off to others!

But to get back to my opening comments, waking up this morning, I found the unsettled feelings running rampant, so I called my "inspiration point" Lida, and just hearing her voice helped me feel more "here" and able to ground myself. We had a good talk, not about dire or urgent things, more about the daily things--our kids, our grandchildren, handling health issues. I am so grateful to have this person in my life to share my daily things with, and I know she feels the same.

I still didn't want to get out of bed, so I knew I wasn't ready. And I called another friend I don't see that often and we shared our plans for her next visit to Dallas, how we are feeling about things, what to do about her cat throwing up on her comforter.....all the really important things about daily living.

That is the kind of reaching out and asking for help I do lately--staying connected to my dearest friends and getting the support, challenge, encouragement and advice I need to work through the day. I can't imagine who I would be without it.

In my travels through life, carving out my life as a Life Entrepreneur, the most important parts of this journey have been the friends I have cultivated relationships with and my family who have somehow always been there, no matter how screwy or out of sorts my life has seemed. Because I have them, I know I am wealthy beyond measure.

They are my constant resource, my ever-present source of supply to meet my deepest needs. They mean more to me than money, and because they are there, keeping me here, alive and somewhat well, I know I can weather the challenges of making money, living my purpose, providing for myself.

If I hadn't reached out, if I don't continue to do that and ask for help, I could easily slip back into the hell I was in a few months ago. By getting out of myself, doing some traveling, continuing to talk and share and listen, I was able to move on, redirect my thinking and from that emerged my series on being a Life Entrepreneur.

So I encourage you to let the important people in your life know what is really going on with you, how you feel, what challenges you are facing. Ask for help. It will endear you to them and take you into deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Isn't that the true wealth of life?

Life Entrepreneurs Are Willing to Walk into the Unknown

2009-12-23T18:25:00.007-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I was writing to a client to help her appreciate the struggle she was experiencing and to encourage her to keep going. I was also urging her to keep feeling all the emotions she was having, to not suppress them. I spent many years trying to "stay positive" and "keep going" which also meant stuffing my feelings. I now realize that embracing my emotions was a very important thing for me, and when I learned to do it, I no longer felt like a steam kettle about to blow. Instead, I felt more balanced, living with the emotions but not letting them run my life. Here are some of the things I wrote to her:

"Understanding another way to look at the situation doesn't preclude allowing yourself to feel all that you are feeling. I don't want to see you stuff those feelings, as I imagine that contributes as much to weight gain, headaches, pain and other forms of misery as any other thing we do as humans.

So I encourage you to keep feeling everything--stay with this. It looks to me as if you are inside a cocoon, trying to break through the chrysalis to emerge, and the only way to do it is to fully experience the pain of emerging. You're seeing things you don't want to see. You're feeling things you don't want to feel.

And I encourage you to do it anyway, as hard as it is. It is leading you somewhere--unknown to you at this time, but into another realm, a level of awareness that you can't understand about until you move into it.

You say you see more positive things about yourself than others do--but to truly see ourselves means to embrace all the parts, the stuff we don't want to see that is ugly especially. If we have a charge on a trait expressed by someone else, rest assured we are expressing that trait, but we are blind to it and we just have to find it.

How are these people your mirror? I'm not even saying owning their traits will make you immediately feel better--but it is a step in moving forward and embracing the pain you are in. By owning their traits, you see that you have them too, and it helps you stop having unrealistic expectations of others to somehow not be human also. When we see others as human, we can start appreciating our own humanity.

As you slowly start to get more 'in your own skin' with all these feelings--good and bad about yourself and others--you will start to feel your butterfly shape and find your way out of the cocoon.

But even that has its inherent shock--the cold air hitting the still damp form, the wings still plastered against your sides. Figuring out how to move the new form is just as challenging as staying in the old one!

I see you spreading those beautiful wings and flying, dear one!

But here is the cosmic joke on all of us: we keep repeating the larva, caterpillar, cocoon, emerging process over and over throughout our lives. So to think we've ever 'done it' and reached a point of freedom from the process is an illusion.

The fun part is that we keep showing up again with new colors and variations of the butterfly experience. So instead of dreading it, we can look forward to seeing what we develop into next!"

Isn't that what being a Life Entrepreneur is really about?

Life Entrepreneurs Live in the Moment

2009-12-16T17:32:00.002-06:00

Today I spent the morning working with my son on how to see his role at work differently. We are very close, and I love the fact that we can communicate on such a deep, satisfying level. We laughed over a few of the times we clashed in the past--remembering those moments makes the ones we share today even richer.

All the while we talked, we did little activities. He had brought my precious 10 month old baby grandson with him, so I fed him, my son put a playpen together for him, we marveled at the sounds Ethan is making and all the ways he looks like Noah did when he was that age. There is nothing quite like this experience, and though I had an image of what it would be like to be a grandmother, the actuality of it is more wonderful than I could have imagined.

What is most powerful is the feeling of family continuity, the sharing of life experiences that will live on long after we aren't here, through our children and their children. Ethan won't remember the day he spent with us because he is too little. But it will be imprinted in him, and the experience of love, communication, sharing joy and challenge together--those will be indelible parts of his life.

The level of gratitude that I feel for being able to just BE her, with them, available to spend this time with my son and his son--well, I can't even fully express what that is. Suffice it to say, I'm completely addicted to it and will do whatever it takes to have more of it.

I have often commented in this forum that I am so glad to NOT be on the road, working in NY or Paris or wherever my work used to take me--that I love being home, spending time with my mother, my son, my friends. Every once in a while I get into a funk and wonder if I am self-sabotaging by not trying to find another "job"--as if I'm not actually working fairly constantly with all the things I'm doing. It is really about not having the identity of owning the sales company, or working a big contract as a consultant. I'm still doing coaching and consulting, just in a different way--with lots more time for family and friends.

Days like today remind me that I am in the right place, this is the right time, and I can keep on trusting the Divine Order that put me here--and that I will know what I need to know tomorrow, especially if I fully live today.

Being a Life Entrepreneur gives me that option--and I'm choosing it!

Life Entreprenuers Embrace Challenges

2009-12-06T10:43:00.002-06:00

This morning I was struggling with how to handle some complicated situations. I have a couple of crucial conversations coming up, and I was trying to see how best to approach them. I have been frustrated because I want so much to help these people, and I know there is only so much I can do.

One of the advantages of living alone is that no one is around to distract me from doing my morning meditation, exercising, etc. But it also means that I don't have a handy sounding board for musing about things, talking aloud to get my thoughts clearer. Because of that, I have taken to calling my best friend, Lida, who lives in Houston, most mornings. We have become "inspiration points" for each other. We share stories about what is currently happening, raise questions, discuss feelings--we've been friends for almost 35 years, know each other inside and out, and have total open communication. I am certain that those conversations have been life saving for me, and helped me make sense out of what often seems impossible to understand.

The best thing about these conversations is that I can see patterns emerge once I get out all the "facts"--which come out as I relate various things I'm working through that at the time may seem disparate. Here's how it played out for me this morning:

I woke up thinking about watching a few moments of an interview with John Kerry last night and wondering why we have to be so polarized in this country about politics and government. It almost seems like we are reliving the 60s, but this time the people taking to the streets protesting are the ultra conservatives, not the great unwashed youth population. Whenever I'm bothered about something, I look inside for the disowned part (love that Carl Jung!) and I realized that my polarized thinking wasn't about politics, actually, it was about being able to communicate with people. I get stuck in "this is good, this is bad" when I get frustrated about communicating. When mentally preparing myself for these upcoming crucial conversations, I caught myself internally saying, "Why can't they understand me? Why don't they just stop holding on to that belief that is keeping them stuck?" The problem with that is it doesn't take into consideration that we are all stuck in one way or another, and will be that way moment to moment throughout our lives, because the stuck points are the challenges, and we only work on them if they are "bad enough" to get our attention. And as we work through them, we get unstuck on those points, and immediately move to the next ones!

An eternal cycle, if you believe in infinity--which I absolutely do. Which means that I'm just as polarized as all those political thinkers. When I get frustrated about my "goods and bads"--if people wake up to their own self-limiting, self-sabotaging beliefs it is "good" and if they stay stuck by continuing to repeat ineffective behavior, it is "bad"--the fact that the subject is a little more esoteric than politics doesn't absolve me from facing that polarized thinking is my disowned part. And I am just as guilty of it as the left/right political debaters. They are mirroring to me exactly what I do.

Getting back to my upcoming crucial conversations: one is with a leader of a non-profit who is dedicated and fiercely committed to solving the problem the organization is addressing, but lacks the skill to speak about it publicly in a way that engages people in joining her cause. The other is with a client who keeps getting caught up in a "loser" attitude cycle--she works really hard, gives 100% to her job, then feels the upper management doesn't recognize it, treats her poorly, limits her ability to grow. My job is to help them see their patterns, appreciate the challenge and work through them to get to the next level, so they can keep going.

Until I saw the pattern this morning of how I was stuck in my own "goods and bads" over how I could get these two to understand what I wanted to say to them, I couldn't see how all three of us were expressing the same pattern. We're alike, but acting it out in three different forms.

The non-profit leader is frustrated in not getting enough community support to grow her organization. The client is frustrated in not getting enough corporate support to grow herself within the organization. And I am frustrated in not being able to communicate well enough with them to help them not be stuck--as if their being stuck is keeping me stuck.

The cosmic joke is that being stuck is what we can be grateful for! Being stuck is what gets our attention, keeps us working at it, fighting our way through it, searching, struggling, not stopping until we get that brief, fleeting moment of grace--the attainment of the thing we desire--and then immediately get thrust into the next frustrating, challenging episode.

What I realize is that I am just as prone to wanting things to "be all right"--right now--as everyone else. But the truth is, which I can see much more clearly from the vantage point of being in my early 60s, the truth is that life is about the pulsation of challenge, frustration, overcoming difficulties, moments of peace, grace and gratitude, then back out into the challenge. Living fully entails all that, and no one gets a "bye" or an "easy-out" of the human experience.

I love romantic stories where they live happily ever after--even though I know more challenges are ahead for them, I love to sit for a moment in the pleasure of a "happy ending."

BUT, the "happy ending" is the beginning of the next challenge. So being infatuated with reaching it is the very thing that keeps us from finding fulfillment in working through the difficulties, actually enjoying it!

I've been teaching that concept for years, but can see how I have been teaching it to learn it. The true sense of fulfillment comes from embracing that we ARE challenged, daily, weekly, minute by minute, not that we are somehow going to do enough work, try hard enough, that we reach a point of being able to relax and just live.

Thank God for Lida, who gives me a way to sort through my thoughts and see things. Thank God for feeling so frustrated and afraid that I won't be able to get where I want to go. If I didn't, I wouldn't pick up the phone and call her! I wouldn't have seen this.

And I wouldn't know what to say when I have my crucial conversations. But now I do. And I'm looking forward to it!

Life Entrepreneurs Do What Is in Front of Them

2009-11-30T09:33:00.001-06:00

"Our grand business in life is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand."

-- Thomas Carlyle

One morning I got an email from one of my best friends with a question about a business situation, one she has found herself in more than once. I was able to call her immediately and talk through the problem. Right after I hung up, I realized how grateful I am that I am not on the road, working on someone's big project; instead I'm living in Dallas full time and available to my friends and family to be a part of their lives, and be able to help them from time to time.

I sort of had itchy feet for the last twelve years, starting in 1997 when close friend moved to London. I started visiting her four times a year, ended up working with her partner's architectural firm doing team building, coaching the owners and spending the rest of the time learning about England. Then in 1999 I started going to Paris several times a year, working with clients there, coaching and doing team building. All that time I was still running my sales agency and had coaching and business consulting clients on the side here in the States. After I sold the rep firm in 2006, I plunged full force into working with Count Me In in NYC and spent over half my time traveling with that project.

It was an interesting life--and I loved it. But I wasn't home much, and when I was, I was extremely busy. When my mom almost died in the fall of 2007, I rearranged my life so I could be there for her. It has been a challenging and fascinating journey to shift from business being my main focus to this new persona that I'm still getting to know and understand. The concept of being a Life Entrepreneur really stems from that--I found that I'm still the same basic person, but the choices I make and the way I live are vastly different from two years ago.

I've written about this journey in many of my Living Life entries in this blog. But what I'm realizing today is that it has always been about being a Life Entrepreneur. That is not a designation for only certain individuals who are expanding from a "business" perspective into a more integrated "life" perspective. To me, it means seeing ourselves as fully responsible for our lives, taking care of the business of being ourselves no matter what we're doing. This includes being a stay-at-home mom, a teaching assistant, a scientist, an engineer, a clerical worker, a factory worker, mechanic, garbage collector, utility worker, CFO of a major corporation, sales person, manager, retail store owner--I'm just scratching the surface of the number of jobs people can have.

I once heard Lily Tomlin speak to a large audience of business women, and my biggest surprise was that she saw herself as separate from the business world--as an entertainer, she took her work seriously, but didn't see what I thought was evident. She had built a business--the Lily Tomlin business--and the only thing keeping her from feeling like a successful business woman was recognition. Can you imagine the number of people who are involved with the booking, producing, writing and execution of her shows and appearances? Just because she may have not put her hands on every aspect of that, because much of it could have been delegated, it didn't mean that she wasn't the head of it.

So I'm encouraging people to see themselves as Life Entrepreneurs, not become Life Entrepreneurs. As far as I'm concerned, to be a functional human being in this complex, stressful, demanding world we live in, we are all Life Entrepreneurs carving our way along.

Circling back to Thomas Carlyle, when people ask me how I make choices each day, I usually say something like this: I repeat my life vision to myself each morning, affirm what I would love to be, do and have in my life, then I do what is in front of me. Thank you, Thomas Carlyle for saying that so beautifully.

Life Entrepreneurs are Grateful

2009-11-25T17:27:00.001-06:00

As we move into the Thanksgiving holiday, I am reminded of all the times I didn't feel grateful: divorce; difficulties being a mom; feeling alienated from my parents, family; feeling unfocused, lost, confused about which way to go; facing huge set-backs with business or finances; losing friends; not getting something I wanted; feeling trapped in physical illness that seemed impossible to overcome; caught up in a pattern that I couldn't seem to break. I could go on a lot longer, but you get the idea.

One of the ways I changed my life was to start finding one thing at a time to be grateful for, to look for even the smallest thing to lift my spirits and help me find the order in life. Back in 1992, when I was very ill and felt somewhat hopeless, I found it close to impossible to walk up the slight incline on my street. It seemed to take every bit of strength I had. Each time I made it up that little hill, I gave myself a big hug, and celebrated. I was so grateful to find the inner ability to keep going! Those little moments added up, and I did overcome that illness and now see the blessings it brought me.

This is a very different Thanksgiving for me. No relatives are coming into town. I'm not preparing a large meal, or going to my parents' house to join some 22 other people in a circle of blessing before eating. My mom actually wants to eat her main meal at her retirement home because she wants to be there for all the others who are alone this year, so she will come to my house just for an afternoon visit. My son, the industrious chef, has to work then join his wife's family. I'll be dining with friends in the evening, bringing some side dishes and a pie. I can see that none of the traditions I helped create and enjoyed earlier in my life are available to me at this moment.

Instead of bemoaning the loss of the old and familiar, I'm rather enjoying the change--the challenge of really being with myself most of the time. The opportunity to work on my own projects, catch up on my books and movies, having big spaces of time to truly do what I want. When I was younger, I dreamed of having even one day like that, and now I have lots of them. I don't want to be guilty of feeling burdened by what I wished for! ("Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!")

This new, more solitary, more introverted, more contemplative life is very sweet. I'm grateful for every morning that I wake up and realize I actually slept almost seven hours instead of five or six. I'm grateful that I get to spend time with my precious grandson, Ethan, and watch him growing, learning to talk, move around, try to master his world. I'm grateful for my wise and loving son and his wife for being so present in my life. I'm grateful to have my precious mother, still so vital and alive at 85. I'm grateful for my sisters, all our history of being part of a family led by remarkable parents. I'm grateful for my friends who constantly amaze and inspire me by their creativity, their courage to keep being themselves, their ideas, their difficulties, their lives, mostly their friendship. I'm grateful that I still feel inspired to work, to write and reflect about life, to be able to work with people and have an impact in their lives. I'm grateful to all my teachers and mentors who have been beacons of light along my sometimes foggy path. I'm grateful for my adversaries--people who have challenged me to my knees and played their role in helping me grow and learn.

And I'm really grateful that I have so many reasons to see that for me, everyday is Thanksgiving Day. Isn't that one of the best ways to be a Life Entrepreneur?

Life Entrepreneurs Make Choices We May or May Not Agree With

2009-11-18T10:50:00.000-06:00

"Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice." --Oliver Wendell Holmes

How many times have we thought we knew what was best for someone, but felt powerless to get them to see it? I have had that experience many times (as a coach, keeping my mouth shut when it won't help the situation is a consistent challenge!).

Yesterday morning the phone rang, and when I saw the name on the caller ID, the first thing that crossed my mind was that it was a family member of an old friend calling to tell me she had passed away. This was a friend whom I hadn't seen in quite a while. She was such a committed alcoholic that I stopped being able to connect with her. Nothing I had said or done with her helped her with her situation. I never fully gave up on her, I just didn't expect to see her again and was resigned to loving the friendship we once had, but letting it go.

The voice on the line was clear, strong and energetic. It was (to my amazement) my old friend! And she called to tell me she would be in Dallas this week, she wanted to see me, and that she had finally gone to the Betty Ford Clinic, dried out and quit drinking once and for all. What a moment!

This friend made a different choice, finally, and is living a new life. Does it mean that she only came into her "Life Entrepreneur" phase when she quit drinking? I say no. After knowing her for almost 40 years, I am certain she has been a Life Entrepreneur all this time. Her choices worked for her, for whatever reasons, and my job isn't to judge whether she was right or wrong. My job is to notice what she did to live fully. She was creative, had friends, built a life, stayed alive and well in her own way, even when I found it difficult to connect and relate to her.

We can be so subjective about what is "acceptable" for other people--we can so easily form opinions and decide we know what the future holds for others. In actuality, I could not know where her life path would lead her, and the best thing I could do for her, and for me, was to just love her--without conditions, without demands, and without even being in contact.

My dad used to say, "the definition of an unbaised man is one whose prejudices agree with mine." I have my own values and found it difficult to stay in regular communication with my dear friend who made a choice to drink. But I'm so glad I didn't stop caring about her, and I'm so grateful she called to tell me her news.

I eagerly look forward to a face to face visit so I can learn more about how she will continue to carve out her life and make new choices. And I am so grateful I've learned a little bit about unconditional love, so I can welcome her back into my experience with open arms.

Being a Strategic Life Entrepreneur

2009-11-10T15:19:00.000-06:00

What if you believed that your primary business is to be your true, authentic self? And what if you could then express that self by doing things you love to do? What if you learned more about what makes a business successful and, like a commercial business person does, created a strategic plan for your life, put systems in place to execute that plan, got the help you needed to succeed at it and created a series of outcomes that could be measured and duplicated?

Does that sound sort of cold and too "business-like?" Then let's add in the more juicy ingredients: fulfilling work, artistic or creative expression, time for family, friends, fun activities. All those could be integrated into your strategic plan. What a concept!

Being a Life Entrepreneur starts with a sense of purpose, actually a higher purpose than performing daily activities or tasks, or even meeting short-term goals. To be a true Life Entrepreneur, you take the time to search your soul, think about why you're here on the planet, what is it you're meant to do. It helps to look back over your life and survey where you have spent your time, energy, money and put your attention on.

I figured out early on that I am an educator, a teacher, but actually a pretty unconventional one. I taught Montessori for a few years, and when I moved into the business world again, I found that applying the principles I learned from my teaching helped me grow my business. I continued to teach more formally on the side by studying metaphysics and offering classes, coaching people, then included business consulting by the mid-eighties. These were all forms of teaching, but very unconventional. As the owner of a sales agency, I saw my role of educator as a way to help my employees reach their highest potential. As a coach and consultant, I helped others do that for themselves and their employees.

Now I'm teaching by writing, coaching and consulting, but have the luxury of spending more time thinking about how to share ideas with a broader audience. When I look back at the last forty or so years, I can see that my time, energy, money and attention have been directed to molding me into the woman I am today, and that I was purposeful about it from the beginning.

The reason I talk about being strategic is that I learned from experience that when I create new strategies, I get closer to creating my chosen outcomes. When I stay with old patterns and keep using old strategies somewhat unconsciously, I seem to keep repeating them and feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off. We call that "revolving" instead of "evolving." Just being purposeful wasn't enough. To feel my work and life are truly fulfilling, I found it was necessary to consistently examine and revise my strategies, both personally and professionally.

Somedays I feel a little silly being 62 and learning how to Twitter, update my LinkedIn page and see what is up on Facebook. Other days, I feel like those things are part of what keep me relevant and current, and that I have a good thirty or forty years of productive, meaningful, purposeful living ahead of me, so it makes perfect sense to do those things.

What I'm really saying is that this is what makes me feel like a Life Entrepreneur. I'm carving out my life, and enjoying what I'm learning along the way. And it sure beats the alternative--waiting around for something to happen until one day I wake up and can't figure out how to get up!

Not me!

Life Entrepreneurs Manage Change Differently

2009-10-30T08:44:00.000-05:00

"It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change." This is a quote from Charles Darwin, and I found it striking because we usually think of him in relation to "survival of the fittest" and this statement puts an interesting slant on what is the fittest. I also recall John Demartini saying that the amount of stress we experience is a direct correlation to our ability to adapt to change. The greater the flexibility, the less stress. The greater the rigidity, the more stress.

Being a Life Entrepreneur requires amazing agility. As Demartini also points out, we grow on the border of chaos and order. Balancing that precariousness is vital to being able to withstand and move with, actually appreciate and take advantage of, inevitable change.

So how do you "roll with it" when you feel up against unsurmountable difficulties? First, start with what you know. I strongly believe in starting each day with a statement at least, preferably a fully expressed vision, of who you are ideally, what you would love to experience and how you would love to show up in the world. That is about what you aspire to, not a reiteration of what you are currently experiencing. Think big, think bold, expand your sense of what is possible.

Who would you love to be? What would you love to do? What would you love to have? These are quality questions that help you map out your life in a new and different way.

Waking up each day affirming who you are and what your higher purpose is informs your day and sets the tone for what happens. Isn't that a welcome change from wondering if you have the strength to get up and deal with all the demands others place on you? Or doing the same drudgery day after day? This actually puts you in the drivers seat in your mind, which translates to you directing your thoughts, thus how you manage your experiences each day.

Circling back to Darwin, this means you are centered within yourself, ready to respond to what comes at you rather than react, which puts you in the category of most responsive to change.

Isn't that the person you would love to be?

Life Entrepreneurs and Social Action

2009-10-24T15:24:00.000-05:00

Being inspired and called to action is vital to a Life Entrepreneur.

I just spent the last couple of days at the annual conference of Social Venture Partners International, held in Dallas. SVPI is the largest individual donor network in the US, with over 2000 partners committed to capacity building for non-profit organizations in 24 cities in the US, Canada and Japan, and is growing each year, adding more chapter affiliates. I would call each person I met a Life Entrepreneur, even if he or she isn't aware of being one.

These amazing people have carved out time in their lives to focus on using a combination of business skills, life skills and money to ensure that organizations in their communities are able to fulfill their missions. Each year a "grant cycle" is initiated, and local non-profits apply for "investee" status to gain the support of the SVP. Once that happens, we partners volunteer to work with them to help solve the internal problems that are keeping them from growth. I love this! I get to bring my coaching skills, my business acumen, and am welcomed with open arms by people who are prepared to accept the help we offer and actually do something with it! What a concept!

What inspired me about this conference is the variety of people I met, the wealth of experience they bring, and their willingness to share ideas, listen, and learn from each other. The value of belonging was clearly expressed: as individuals, we can do a little; as a group we become a foce of nature. We challenge each other along the way to bring our best to the table, to live up to our principles and continue to learn to work together.

So, after a little more than a year of being a member of the Dallas Social Venture Partners, I see even more reasons to stay involved, and do what it takes to make sure that our chapter fulfills its promise. As a Life Entrepreneur, I thrive on new opportunities, new challenges and making new friends along the way.

That's a lot to be grateful for!

The Risk of Being a Life Entrepreneur

2009-10-18T18:21:00.001-05:00

I recently was reminded that great achievements involve great risks. So what really constitutes a great risk?

I'm thinking that it is anything that pushes us out of our comfort zones and requires extra effort to put into motion. That may seem too minor, but after working most of my life in personal development of one sort or another, I know how difficult it is for human beings to change the way they do things.

The other side of this is what constitutes a great achievement?

I am acutely aware that being in my sixties, I have a tendency to look back at my life and forward toward my future and question whether I have been or will be of any true value to my world. I can see that I was less conscious of this when I was younger, more focused on simply doing what I wanted to do. Was living my life from a self-directed place a great achievement? Does it matter if my name never appears in a history book, rather that I lived fully and touched peoples' lives in my own unique way? Who is the judge? Am I? Are you? Is there "someone" keeping the "permanent record" of our lives?

One great risk I took a couple of years ago was to sell my rep firm and stop having the identity I had lived with for 29 years. I didn't realize how big a change it was for a while after, as I was very caught up in a contract with a non-profit in NYC and stayed equally busy. When I ended that work, came back home and mainly focused on caring for my mother and doing my own work through PeopleBiz, I began to see how much that "business owner" identity had informed my life.

In a way I was "untethered" and a bit at loose ends. I began to question myself and my value. I'm still working on that, and it is part of what I am writing about in my series on being a Life Entrepreneur. This is my personal journey of forging new ground, finding what works and doesn't work for me, not fitting into anyone else's mold of what I'm meant to be.

This is the risk of finding out more about what I'm made of, how I truly want to live, and how that affects others in my world. It's scary. And from time to time, deeply fulfilling. It will be interesting to see what comes of it.

A Life Entrepreneur at 85

2009-10-09T11:17:00.002-05:00

Last night I got a very excited phone message from my mother and when I called her back she said, "I just wanted to tell you my news! I've been elected unanimously to be the Chairman of the Residents' Council at Treemont (the retirement community she lives in)!"

She added that it meant a lot of responsibility and that she was going to ask another friend to be her secretary so they could keep track of all the things that needed to be taken care of. What was most important for me about this conversation was to hear the energy and purposefulness in her voice, and feel the enthusiasm she has about living up to this challenge.

I've mentioned before that my mom just turned 85. My dad passed away three years ago, and it took Mom a while to regroup, after having been with one person in a very involved, fulfilling relationship for over 62 years. She had many days of a sort of listlessness and I was concerned about her.
And now here she is, excited and committed and ready to work. Actually, she's been playing that role for a while, and the directors of the community had the good sense to give it a title by creating the Council, and giving her the proper recognition for the ways she has stepped up to participate in enhancing the lives of the other residents.

This is one of the best examples I can cite of being a Life Entrepreneur. It isn't about age, it is about purpose, focus and the willingness to do what it takes to live the way you choose to live. It also adds proof to my theory that our basic characters stay the same throughout our lives, what changes is how we perceive things and thus how we manage our lives based on those perceptions.

When my dad died, it was both a loss and a relief for my mom. He had been progressively sicker from cancer for the last five years, and Mom had taken the brunt of the care, only hiring round the clock help the last few months. She was exhausted and disoriented to not have her life consumed by caring for her husband.

That first year she sort of muddled through, even went on a cruise with some friends, but found that she didn't feel that connected to them, and started having medical issues and going from doctor to doctor to figure things out. She took a downturn at the end of the first year and almost died from a devastating illness. We spent the next 6 months bringing her back to life, and after learning to talk, walk, eat and think for herself again, she moved into the community of other seniors (after living in my house for over five months, we both decided we preferred our independence).

It took a year for her to get comfortable there--and I so admired her willingness to organize and join up with bridge groups, learn to play word games, participate in the choir, volunteer to help the new activities director welcome new residents and decorate for the weekly parties they have to keep people interested and involved. My mom is a trooper, and her enthusiasm proved contageous.

So here she is, a Life Entrepreneur at 85, carving out her path and looking forward to each day. What an inspiration!

The Greatest Gift You Can Offer

2009-10-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

Why is it so difficult to relate to people when they are going through difficult times? This is a dillemma we have all faced at one time or another, and yet none of us seem to have a clear idea of what to do about it.

We don't know what to say when someone dies. We feel awkward and out of place. We tend to avoid people when we feel this way--but the problem is they most need our support at that moment and often can't even find a way to tell us. It is similar when someone we know is dealing with a serious, perhaps terminal disease. We can hardly look them in the eye..... We think about calling but we don't get around to it. We make up a story that calling isn't enough, or stopping by to visit won't really matter that much.

I'm wondering if it stems from that basic sense of fear that we all have to one degree or another as humans, the fear that we aren't that important, and what we do doesn't actually mean much to others. Some little part of all of us is afraid that no matter what we do, it won't really make a difference.

Maybe it is because I've been through so many difficulties, especially over the last several months, but I want to encourage you to break through your fear and just go spend time with that person. It has meant so much for me to just be with my friends and family. What we say isn't really important, the being there is.

Please don't underestimate the value of the greatest gift you can offer another person: your time and your attention. Isn't that what we remember most from our childhood? People who showed us they cared by taking time to be with us?

Your presence is a present.

What does it mean to be a Life Entrepreneur?

2009-10-01T09:42:00.001-05:00

I have often related a theory about the decades in our lives: In our twenties, we try to figure out who we are; in our thirties, we work really hard to build our careers and fit into society (this is maximum people-pleasing time); we turn forty and we start to wonder what it is all about, and if we really want to do this for the rest of our lives. At that point, the questions start to become at least as important as the answers. This is a decade of re-thinking, re-evaluating, and we start to realize around forty-five that it isn't so important whether people like us, it is more important that we like ourselves. At fifty, we question whether we even like them (!), and how they fit into our lives, and start getting much more serious about how we live and with whom. At fifty-five and beyond, we care less about what others think at all and set about truly creating the life we would love to live.

These periods are not actually set in stone, just markers, because I have seen people move through them faster, based on the amount of self-work they are willing to do. I've had clients in their thirties who were already well into the re-thinking and re-evaluating period, and some in their fifties who were just discovering that they had choices about how to live. The point of this is that self-awareness is a process and the more aware we are, the more effectively we can move through the process.

So, being a Life Entreprenuer means consciously creating as we go. My tag line, Master the Business of Life actually expresses the essence of this: my primary business is the business of being Margery Miller, and the amount of time, energy, effort and strategic thinking I apply to that endeavor determines my success ratio. If I walk around waiting for something to happen to me, if I worry about whether people like me, if I focus on what I don't want instead of what I would love to experience--those are all ways that I could thwart my success as a Life Entrepreneur.

It means that in order to have a fulfilling life, I pay attention to all seven areas, Spiritual, Mental, Vocational, Financial, Familial, Social and Physical, and create my life with a goal of empowering ALL seven areas, not just suceeding at being a consultant, or coach, or making a lot of money, or having certain kinds of relationships. The Demartini work focuses on breaking down the myths we carry in all aspects of our lives--not just the ones we think are most important at any moment.

I believe that being a Life Entrepreneur opens up myriad possibilities of how to get the most out of what is called the second half of life. We have a lot of years ahead and "retirement" just isn't attractive or even now possible for a majority of people. So what do we do?

We can appreciate the synchonicity of having a global economic collapse occur at the same time a vast number of people on the planet wake up and realize there has to be more to life than getting by or making it through the day, or stepping on and abusing others to fulfill the hubris of greed and power. We can thank technology and the internet for creating a global consciousness--and connecting people who may never meet but who are starting to think differently by being aware of each others' existence.

We can start designing our lives and adapting to the constant changing world we live in by understanding that living life fully is an inside job.

To be continued..............

Life Entrepreneurs

2009-09-27T10:44:00.000-05:00

I'm visiting a friend in Florida feeling so grateful that I have people all around the world that I love and appreciate who are genuinely glad to see me and share some of their lives with me. I haven't actually seen this friend face to face for four and a half years, but we picked up right where we left off and have spent the last day and a half filling each other in on major events, recounting challenges we've faced, how we've grown through them, what we've learned, where we see ourselves going from here.

In some ways our lives have paralleled, in other ways we are very different. We do have one common thread--in our early sixties, we are both re-evaluating who we are as women, how we show up in the world, and what we want to do with our time and energy from this point forward. This is right in line with what I realized when I was in Greece last month. We are becoming Life Entrepreneurs, which I'm now seeing as the next step from being a business entrepreneur, as I have been for the last 30 years or so.

Life Entrepreneurship doesn't only apply to women, or business entrepreneurs. I think this is a new wave of thinking that is germain to mid-life and beyond for both men and women, from all walks of life, from a variety of past experiences. People want their lives to mean something--and if you watch Mad Men on TV, you will realize that having a meaningful life was only a remote possibility in the early 60s. We've come a long way from the stereotypical roles of men and women in the workplace--and thinking that men knew best, that the government was to be obeyed, that working for pay was more important than working for something you believed in.

So I'm really just putting a label on something that I've been doing for a while: being a Life Entrepreneur. I look around and see I'm in good company. There are millions around me doing this in one form or another. I plan to spend some time over the next few months exploring, learning more about what it takes to succeed at this, and sharing my insights.

I'm also going to encourage people to see themselves as Life Entrepreneurs, and tap into the creative energy that can allow them to blossom into more authentic lives. After all, a lot of us will still be here well into our nineties. That means we have twenty, thirty, maybe forty years to be productive, engaging contributors to the world we live in. Let's make it meaningful!

Does what people think about us really matter?

2009-09-25T08:32:00.000-05:00

As I have written about, I have been going through a very difficult time over the last few months, struggling to recover from a devastating blow that was both financial and personal. My family, my friends, my clients and students have been very kind to me about it--some people letting me cry on their shoulders, others spending time coaching me through tough moments, mainly standing by me and letting me know they care and that they understand what I'm dealing with. None of them has encouraged me to feel as bad about myself as I tended to feel--meaning that I consistently had and have a balance of challenge and support, both internally and externally.

They see me working through this, and they see me learning and growing from it. A few have even expressed that it helped them to see me in so much pain because they felt more connected to me, it helped them break down their "stories" that I had somehow achieved more in life than they--because that just isn't true. Their achievements were simply in a different form.

And that support, that willingness to help me, that steadfast certainty that I will make it through this and grow from it has really made a difference in my life. It does matter what they think of me, because it shows me that inside myself, balancing my self-flagellation and disappointment is also a courageous, strong, capable woman who believes in herself--reflected back to me by those who think well of me, who show me they believe in me.

I realize I sometimes spend more energy collecting evidence from those who agree with my negative self-image (this is my proof that I'm right--I'm a Loser!) than noticing the equal number of people who reflect back my positive qualities. I often say that the world is a great big house of mirrors, some distorted and some clear. Being in crisis is actually helping me find the clear reflections and appreciate them even more.

Another blessing from being challenged. Love that!

Three Weeks of Thoughts......

2009-09-23T14:19:00.000-05:00

As I emerge from some very interesting activities over the last three weeks, I marvel that I haven't sat down to record my thoughts for so long.   First I attended the Demartini Institute Facilitator Certification Class over the labor day weekend.

It was wonderful to connect with old friends and make new ones.   It was inspiring to watch a young woman of 19 break free of six years of drug addiction and blossom into a beginning facilitator of this work.   I had the gift of coaching her through her first phase and now get to watch her expand into a productive, contributing, inspired citizen of the world.

I watched people look at their myths and face that those fantasies are the source of their depression and feelings of hopelessness.   As long as we keep measuring ourselves against unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, we keep the cycle of elation/depression going in our lives.   Facing the myths and breaking them down is an important step toward reality based thinking.   That doesn't mean we give up our dreams--but we can create dreams with measurable and achievable outcomes!

I went to this class right after returning from a trip to Europe, and came home to find a fascinating politial environment.   These are all things I plan to write more about, but want to jot down some thoughts that are running through me at this moment.

Protesters--that's what we were called back in the sixties when we tried to stop the Viet Nam War and open admissions to all learning institutions to people of all colors.   Now I find that the Protesters are on the far right--raging around about the politics of the new administration and Congress.   This seems so strange to me!   First they are angry that Obama makes a speech to school children to stay in school and get an education, calling it leftist, liberal dogma.   I remember when President Kennedy launched the President's Fitness Program.   Everyone got behind it--whether they liked him or not (and believe me, in Dallas, TX, the majority of people did NOT like him.....) because he was the President and there was inherent respect for the office.

Then they march and picket over expanding health care accessibility to the whole population.   Amazing!

I believe this is all based on fear.   In the sixties we were afraid of living lives like our parents, afraid to conform to what we considered the status quo.   This new group of protesters seem to be afraid to lose what they see as their status quo. But are they losing more than they are gaining?   Does it really benefit society as a whole to have millions of uninsured people using locally funded emergency rooms for their main source of health care?   Aren't we paying for that with our tax dollars?   And if they are like me, no longer covered by a company health plan and "high risk" (having an ankle joint replacement put me in that category) then do they actually have the over $15,000 a year to pay for high deductible, high risk health insurance like I am required to pay?

I know my personal experience heavily influences my opinion on this subject, but I never before dreamed that I would be counting the years until I qualified for Medicare.   Instead of being dismayed about getting older, I'm wishing those three years were up and I could qualify today!

We have serious problems in our world to deal with, and what I find so interesting is that those of us who already had the experience of thinking that taking to the streets and shouting about our opinions have, for the most part, chosen much more "system" oriented methods to achieve our goals.   We built businesses that took into account the personal lives of our employees, not just the bottom line.   We became teachers, leaders, political in our daily lives by living and raising families with our values.   And what is even more amazing is that we seem to be in the majority for the first time.   Not just as party members (many like me still eschew identification with any political party) but as citizens of the world who see that we are in a continual transition to a different form of society--and we're figuring it out as we go along.

I don't love everything that is happening in the government, so what else is new?   I do love that we are all having to learn to adapt to change and keep growing.

Why I Love The USA

2009-08-29T10:33:00.003-05:00

I'm home from 16 days of Europe--4 were spent traveling and I saw a LOT of interesting people and situations. Each time I take a trip like this, I come home wanting to kiss the soil.

Yesterday I had a conversation about how most poeple who live in the US take it for granted. I contend that even really poor people in this country have adavantages they don't even realize. For one thing, shopping. Even if they don't have much money, they can still go to a really nice grocery or department store that is probably fairly convenient to them, unless they live in a very rural area. We have amazing stores with everything one could imagine buying!

Convenience--I love getting in the car and zipping around. I agree that Europe has much more public transportation than cities like Dallas, but more people have access to cars here, and we can actually get around to most places.

Familiarity--the older I get, the more I love being around what is familiar to me. I just visited my friend Nadia in Mykonos, and she loves her house which is out on a point, facing the Mediterranean. She doesn't like it when boats come and anchor there, because she loves her view of the sea and the islands across from her. I get it--she has been looking at that view her whole life. Her father built that house, and she now owns it. And she loves it. She doesn't want to live there full time, as she still enjoys her life in Paris, but she is so grateful that she has this familiar home to come to as often as she likes.

I get that, because I know it is one reason I love to be in Dallas. I grew up here, I feel at home here, my friends and Mom are here, and it is familiar. Everytime I think about living someplace else, I get a heart tug for home. That is one reason I admire my mom so much for being able to move from her home and into a retirement community. But it took her a year to adapt to it, because it just wasn't familiar enough.

Cleanliness--Dallas is a delightfully clean place to live. Most people keep up their homes, and people don't litter on streets like they did in earlier times. People care about their city and it shows.

OK, I know I'm waxing poetic about my home base, but I'm just so grateful to live in a place I love and have all the benefits I have from it.

Realization

2009-08-24T08:55:00.005-05:00

Time has flown by and I'm down to two days before I start traveling again. Being in Mykonos has been a wonderful respite from my busy-ness of home, but I didn't really come to any great new awarenesses, or feel free from the nagging anxiety of the last few months. I guess it is as my sister predicted--getting over this shock to my system is like being a burn victim. My skin needs time to heal even though I've done the mental/spiritual work and see the blessings.......

My body and emotions haven't quite caught up yet. This is one of those fertile void periods for me. I have the sense that there is much ahead, I just don't know what it is. And at this point, I don't actually know how to know.

On this trip I've read 9 books so far and will probably top 11 by the time I get back to Texas. Reading this much at one time has at least reaffirmed my confidence as a writer. The ones I most enjoy reading are those who write like I do, sort of streaming consciousness, even if it is in the voice of a fictional character.

So I know I can do that. And I feel strongly that the process I'm going through is probably not that different from many in my age range. We are being given an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, unencumbered by past expectations of what society supposedly would provide for us. Our retirement funds are no longer cushions to rely on, we are not the most sought after work force applicants, and most of us feel a somewhat diminished possibility of living out the romantic notions of our youth--whether we are in relationships currently or not.

So, as they say, it's a new ball game.

The cool thing about that for me is that I want to make up the rules this time--on my terms.

What a concept! It isn't a new awareness to bring home so much as a realization. This time it really is my turn, and what I do with it is up to me.

People Watching and Potatoes

2009-08-20T05:23:00.002-05:00

I'm traveling right now--first to Paris for a few days and now I'm in Mykonos This has been a crash refresher course in observing over the last week.

I had a big delay on my way to Paris--plane broke down, so they rerouted me on the direct flight (yea!) and I had the fun of spending most of the day in the airport. Instead of it being a bad experience, I let it be a lovely one. I had time to preview books for my Kindle (what an invention!) and watch all kinds of fascinating people in the Admiral's Club, in the airport lounges, in the restaurant where I got a really expensive salad and some interesting insight into what people order. Lots of burgers, lots of french fries, which I've given up on eating at most places since I only like fresh cut potatoes and Americans seem to have forgotten the difference.

Speaking of fried potatoes, some of the best I've tasted came with a marvelous afternoon into evening in Rafina, Greece, where we waited five hours for the ferry to take us to Mykonos--the winds are very high now and the SeaJets don't cross in the high winds. We saw every possible kind of tourist mixed in with the locals come and go in waves. When an overly friendly local man started chatting me up, I realized people watching was more interesting than interacting--good to know for future reference. But I wouldn't have missed the potatoes for anything! Crisp but all soft and potatoey inside--like I remember from my childhood before Ore-Ida took over the frozen french fry market.

Back to what I gleaned from all this observing: people are the same no matter where they come from. Their appearance changes slightly depending on their culture, but babies cry, mothers look exhausted, couples moon and smooch in public (mostly only the really young ones), kids bug their parents for food, geeky guys look nerdy no matter what country they're from, frumpy middle aged couples seem to be completely unaware of their appearance, young men with guitars are still roaming around Europe, qnd most people seem resigned to the fact that traveling requires patience, perseverance and stamina--nothing glamorous about it!

So the fact that in the midst of withstanding the travails of travel over which I have very little control I could find the perfect french fry in a seaside tavern on the Greek coast makes it seem worthwhile somehow--more bearable and even worth the effort.

Not to mention that once we finally arrived in Mykonos at one am we fell into showers then slept and woke to the amazing beauty of the Mediterranean Sea shining all around us.

Now that is worth whatever it took to get here!

The Right Thing

2009-08-11T14:23:00.005-05:00

Doing the Right Thing isn't always the easiest thing.....

Yesterday I took action on a problem and now I'm feeling relieved, yet I still feel the echos of panic that I've been plagued with over the last two months. But I made my decision, I did it, and now I can move on.

First of all it was a tremendous amount of work to compile all the information, then it took courage to talk about it, then my ego took another beating when I was asked questions I couldn't answer. That stuff is hard.

As we moved my mother recently, she took time to go over boxes of old letters she had saved. She made packets for each of us four girls to read what we had written her many years ago. There were chirpy little missives from me from the late sixties--part of the time I was a college student, and part of the time I was a radical deeply involved in The Movement--stopping the war in Viet Nam and breaking down racial barriers in society. But from both situations, what came across was that I was a very sweet person who loved her family, was very fond of her parents and had a deep desire to stay connected to them.

And I'm that same person today, just older and wiser (as my dad used to say, "Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment...."), so, now I practice some good judgment, just not all the time. I mentioned that to my mother and in talking about it, realized that it is that sweet girl, who wants to be liked, to belong, that is the part of me that gets scared, feels panic, is afraid somehow that things won't work out.

Thank goodness I have developed more parts of myself that I can turn to--because it was necessary to push ahead and not let fear paralyze me. And I did it.

And even if it doesn't create the result I would like, taking action, Doing the Right Thing feels really good.

Living Fully

2009-08-09T09:00:00.003-05:00

I'm realizing that writing every day probably is too ambitious--but at least I think about it! I spent yesterday morning sitting in bed watching TV. I couldn't make myself do Pilates or write. Sometimes we just need a catch-up day.

I used to push myself so much that I would sit down at my desk and realize a bill hadn't been paid on time, or emails hadn't been responded to. Now, I may miss a phone call or two, but I am much more on top of things than before.

I've been saying this over and over: I don't want to go back to how I used to live. So now I'm going to concentrate on how I would love to live from here on out.

I love working with clients and seeing them transform before my eyes. I love helping people grow their businesses. I love taking care of things for my mom, spending time with my precious grandson, seeing my friends fairly regularly, taking Demartini classes, reading, watching TV (may sound weird, but that is actually research for me, because I watch shows about how people relate to each other), spending time working on my inner self.

When I put all that together, I see it is a full time job, to live the way I love to live.

As I emerge from the anxiety and stress of the last couple of months, I can see that the main effect of going through this most recent crisis is that I am more acutely aware of asking myself whether what I am doing is truly congruent with my life purpose. The tingles and butterflies I feel in my chest and sometimes my gut are signals to pay attention to that. Having let down my guard, allowed myself to be fooled, feeling humiliated to the core--that has all served to remind me to pay attention.

Today I'm thinking that living fully is about doing what I love to do, but being careful to listen to my inner voice, read the signs coming from my body, pay heed to the doubts, and yet continue to be willing to feel humble to the higher order and go with the flow of it.

I'm actually looking forward to that!

Musing about moving

2009-08-07T15:33:00.003-05:00

This has been a really long week. We moved my mom into a smaller apartment at her retirement community. So much stuff! I really want to get serious about clearing out my house, whether I move or not, I know I don't need all this stuff!

I am still musing about why we gather so many things. I realize that my mother feels really good to have her familiar things around--pictures, mementos, her same sofas and her favorite reclining chair. She and my father were together 62 years, so I also imagine having those things around her helps her feel connected to him.

I walk around my house looking at what I have on the walls, and I love every painting, every piece of art--even the framed posters! They feel comforting.

Sometimes this house feels way too big, too many rooms, too much space. And other times I can't imagine not having all the space and all the things I have. So, I must be in a transition, working on changing how I live, but caught between my past and my future. I do envision a smaller place in a couple of years, so I am working on the mental preparation for it now.

Change seems to be hard, even when it is for the best. For that reason, I truly admire my mom for being able to roll with it and maintain a cheerful attitude. It sure makes it easier to help her!

Stuff

2009-08-05T19:41:00.003-05:00

Why do we have so much stuff? I've been helping my mother move to a different apartment and I can't believe how much stuff she has--and she has dramatically pared down from the big house she used to live in.

Is it an American thing? A human thing? We tend to hold on to things we think we might need later. I do it too, in spades! And it has me thinking, if I decide to move in a few years to a smaller place, maybe it would be a good idea to start sifting through things now and let other people take some of this stuff that I have accumulated.

Part of it is that I can see my values have changed. I bought this house about twelve years ago when I was running my sales company, had people staying with me frequently, entertained a lot, needed a lot of stuff for that.

Today, I have a very different life. Entertaining is more about spending time with a few great friends instead of having 50 people over. So I don't really need enough plates to serve that many people. But I still have them!

So, I hereby commit to opening cabinets, drawers, closets and asking myself: do I really need this? When do I plan to use it again? Who else could be enjoying it?

I hope I follow through................

More thoughts on Being Single

2009-08-04T18:01:00.004-05:00

Writing about being single yesterday I realize how truly calm I am about that subject. I grew up with such a sense of expectation to "couple" and "find my soul mate" that I think being alone has been a bit of an irritant to my inner sense of well-being.

I love Demartini's theory about soul mates: you are never without one, they just don't always show up in one person. I know I am surrounded by soul mates--both men and women with whom I connect in very deep and meaningful ways. One of the things that crosses my mind is how grateful I am that I don't have to narrow that down to just one, because I can't imagine my life without the large number of people who are really important to me being in it!

I have a lot of great husbands--they are either married to my friends, or are men that I know through business or studying who are committed to other women, and some are single but we aren't connected in a romantic way. I'm not involved with them in a physical way, but they certainly enrich my life and I absolutely adore them. I might even adore them more because I don't live with them--so I generally see their best sides when I'm around them. So how can I say I don't have a husband?

And my women friends are equally, if not more, important. I am sure I couldn't have made it through the last two months without them. They have held my hand to help me get the courage to face each day. They have embraced my tears, comforted my sorrow, and encouraged me to keep going. I feel surrounded by Amazon Warrior Women who will stick by me no matter what.

So, being single isn't the curse I thought it would be when I was younger and craving being part of a couple. I'm not saying being with a lovely man who was free to be with me wouldn't be nice. It would. But I am living well anyway.

And for that, I am grateful.

Being SIngle

2009-08-03T07:00:00.002-05:00

My sister Rachael has been visiting here for the last few days. She's on her way from Northern California, where she lives, to London to visit her kids and especially her granddaughter Betsy. She and I, being the oldest two of the four Davis girls, as we were called growing up, are very different but also very alike.

We're different in personality, how we spend our time, some basic interests, but we are very alike in our independence and sense of being in the world. Neither of us has been married for many years, although we both gave the institution a really good try. We grew up in a very traditional household with a strong father but equally strong mother. Her career was taking care of her husband and she did it very well for 62 years until he passed away in 2006. She worked beside him in his medical practice, in his political life--stood by him all the way.

Rachael and I both tried to do that for our husbands, we just didn't seem to choose men that we could ultimately keep "standing by" for the long haul. And, as we discussed over this recent visit, we also didn't have enough incentive to compromise ourselves to do it. Was it the husbands that didn't inspire us or was it we who were unwilling?

Probably a combination of both. Rachael and I reached adulthood in the late 60s during the social and sexual revolution. Politically we were against the war in Viet Nam, we fought against racism, we participated in all sorts of groups focused on raising consciousness for women. Those experiences informed our lives in ways that I am still sorting out.

One of the ways was that we just couldn't see the point of losing ourselves, our own sense of identity, in order to stay married. I am not saying that other women our age who did or have stayed married lost their identities. Many married men that they could be honest with, who could appreciate them fully. Rachael and I just didn't choose those kinds of men. Why? I'm not sure, except that I do understand we marry, or choose to be in relationship with, the person that will most help us grow--even it that isn't apparent at the time.

We both grew immensely from our past relationships, and neither of us regrets having them. But we also have grown from being single, figuring out how to be self-sufficient with no "prince charming" in sight. We've done it differently, but we have both managed to stay alive and well into our early 60s.

And not only is there no "prince charming" in sight for us, neither of us holds much hope for even going on a fun date at this point. It feels like that is just too far out of the realm of possibility. The good and bad are that for me, it is hard to give up my romantic musings completely--I still love stories about relationships, I still love the idea of having a boyfriend and a lover. And in her own way, I think Rachael would also.

The big But is that neither of us seems to be willing to bend ourselves into a pretzel to keep a man around--and the kinds I have been involved with over the last 20 years seem to have required that. I'm not blaming all men--I'm sure my "picker ability" has been faulty. I attracted men that I didn't, in the long run, feel were worth that kind of effort.

So, Rachael and I may very likely be single for the rest of our lives. At the moment, we're okay with that because we have some really great blessings to count: our grandchildren, our children, our health, our mother is still vibrant and well at almost 85, and we have meaningful work and really great friends.

Not so bad for a couple of single girls moving well into their senior years.........

My Day

2009-08-01T15:11:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day.

Today some things opened up, and I saw more light.

Today my sister helped me, my friend helped me, and things went smoothly.

I feel like I'm actually moving forward, and I have things to look forward to. I am so grateful.

I had whole spaces of time today when I didn't feel anxious.

Today was a good day.

Feeling Love

2009-07-31T14:25:00.003-05:00

This morning I realized that with all the changes I've been experiencing lately, I find that my connections with my family and friends are more important than ever. I know I have had people and relationships high on my values list for a long time, but they seem to have taken first place over the past few months.

I spent so many years driving myself, working so much, taking on one project after another, and now that I live differently I have no desire to go back to the old way. I am so much more clear about what is important to me.

My friends and family have truly held my hand and helped me walk through facing myself and the difficult period I've been walking through. When I didn't think I could breathe, I called a friend for help. When I couldn't eat or sleep, I called a friend for help. I spent many afternoons at my mother's apartment just being with her, watching movies and comforting each other.

The best thing about all this is that I didn't even know how much more love I could feel until I became so humbled that I didn't seem to have the old armor up anymore. I'm sure I put a guard up inside me to protect my sensitive feelings when I was younger and scared to try to make it in the world. Having armor is a good way to steel ourselves to get through tough situations, so I am glad I had it.

I just don't need that heavy armor now. I'm okay with feeling fragile and vulnerable. Maybe it is because I have enough experience to know that no matter how hard things seem at any moment, those moments will pass and I will feel differently very soon. Thank God for getting older! For that I am deeply grateful.

Feeling the love I have toward others has come easily to me--but feeling their love in return has been harder for me to recognize. I was so busy trying so hard to live, and had so much internal armor, I know I didn't feel the affection and appreciation of others as much as I could have. So! Here's another reason to be grateful for the painful period I've been in, because I truly feel more love.

My Two Front Teeth

2009-07-30T10:41:00.004-05:00

My best intentions don't always work out! I really meant to blog everyday, but yesterday seems to have slipped away...........

Yesterday I had the fun of visiting my dentist where I got to spend some more money for a metal device to make sure the next implant they put in my mouth goes in straight. When I was 18 years old I was in a big ugly car crash. My right foot was ripped off to the side, my back was injured, my right arm was badly broken, my face hit the dashboard and 30 years later I discovered that the roots of my two front teeth were resorbing and starting to eat away at my jaw bone. I had the first implant placed in 1994, which is still in place thank goodness. Then the second front tooth started falling out in 2003, so I had another implant put in. These are my top two front teeth--the ones little kids sing about wanting for Christmas....

Last year, the second implant started to have problems so we did a bone graft to try to save it, which didn't work. So this year, the second implant was removed on February 2nd and another bone graft was placed, then I had to wait four months to see if it would take. On July 14th I finally got the good news--it took! (I was so grateful that I burst into tears when the periodontist told me and he said no one had ever cried over a tooth before.... I told him I had been having some big challenges this year, and this was a bigger relief than he could imagine....) So now I have at least one more surgery to place the new implant with bone and tissue grafts--and the challenge is to be able to match the placement so when I spend a lot more money in a few months to get the permanent crowns placed for the implants that they will fit together and I will look like I have real front teeth.

I got to see myself for a moment without the teeth while the dentist was working on the metal thing, and I looked like a character in a scary movie--a metal spike jutting out of one part, the bare toothless gum right next to it. Amazing.

I think we take our bodies for granted. Not being able to walk well since I was 18 has made me accutely aware of what a blessing feet are. I've had lots of surgeries, culminating in ankle joint replacement in 2004, but I can walk! So each step I take feels like a tiny miracle.

And I marvel at people who don't floss their teeth, don't go to regular dental appointments--I feel like they would do it differently if they actually didn't have some of those little guys hanging around in their mouths.

At night, when I go to sleep and count my blessings, I know one of my biggest ones I have is this incredible body that functions more reliably than any computer or machine man has ever made.

And after spending the last 15 years or so dealing with the loss and gain of my two front teeth, spending thousands of dollars on surgeries and implants and more surgeries and more implants (I think of it as my $50,000 smile), not to mention the thousands on surgeries to keep my right foot moving, bring my body back from severe auto-immune issues, and all the other myriad body issues we all face as humans, I truly believe it is worth it to take really good care of this body I am blessed to inhabit.

I've learned to see my body as a feedback tool to keep me focused and on purpose, so taking care of it, listening to it, and being able to keep living in it totally work for me!

Paying Attention

2009-07-28T22:21:00.004-05:00

One of the hardest things for me to remember is that I don't really know what anyone else is thinking about. Sure, I talk with people, and I think I know what they mean or what is behind what they say, but do I really?

I get into the most trouble when I imagine that the other person shares my values and thinks like I do. Then when they do something that goes completely against my values, I am surprised! Why do I do that?

The best reason I can figure out is that we so much want to feel connected with others that we hear some of what they say and make assumptions about the rest so we can feel a sort of synergy with them. It probably goes back to a childhood sense of neediness and we carry it with us as we grow and keep reaching out to find where we belong.

I'm realizing more each day that I make up stories about what is going on around me to justify being right about people. But I have come to a new decision: I'm going to stop thinking I know anything about anyone else and do the best I can to stay present and aware and listen to myself. If I really listen to myself then I might be able to hear others differently (sounds paradoxical but it makes sense to me).

By listening to my inner voice first, maybe I'll have a better chance of discerning what someone else is really saying--and looking for clues about what their values really are--so I can better understand what they want and what they are up to. And all this time I thought I was a good listener!

Making Progress

2009-07-27T17:19:00.005-05:00

I just spent an amazing weekend. Working with John Demartini is inspiring, challenging and catalytic. I feel more in touch with my inner self.

I'm inspired to take more classes and do even more daily work on myself. I feel challenged to take a harder look at the stories I make up about myself, others and situations, and ask myself more questions to determine whether my thinking is truly in line with my values and my higher purpose or if I am subordinating myself to others because I believe they know more than I do. And I am catalyzed to move forward on ideas I have, things I want to write and work I would love to do.

I can see more clearly that this latest most challenging period of my life has served as a wake-up call to really pay attention, be clear about my intentions, and really listen to what others are saying and doing. Just because they say things, doesn't mean they will do them. And when they don't do them, then that is a red alert to rethink the situation!

Just because people tell you they are on your team, it doesn't actually mean that they are.

I feel I have been given an opportunity to look for the divine order in the midst of great difficulty and pain, and I am finding it. It isn't easy to walk this path, but I truly believe it is worth it. And I am deeply grateful to be reminded that my inner voice is the one to listen to, even when the voices on the outside sound bigger and more seductive than mine. When I listen more to my inner voice, I live more on my true path and follow my higher purpose.

Loving What Is

2009-07-26T07:44:00.002-05:00

I am in the middle of a two day class called The Breakthrough Experience with Dr. John Demartini. I love being emmersed in the study of universal principles and how they apply to our daily lives. And I love even more spending a weekend with a group of people from all walks of life who earnestly desire to face their inner challenges and find a way to love what is as it is.

Last night I watched a couple find the beauty and blessing of having what they previously perceived was a difficult child. They found out she was a catalyst for change and helped keep the family dynamic going, even when they saw her as a problem.

I watched sons find the blessings of difficult relationships with their mothers, and daughters realize that the behavior they thought was so cruel and damaging by their fathers was actually a form of love that helped them grow into the amazing women they are today.

Transformational work is not for everyone--it requires a tremendous amount of depth and honesty to go inside ourselves, find the traits we despise or are repelled by in others and see where we have those same traits to the same degree, then find the benefits of having experienced those traits through difficult situations. It takes courage and discipline, and a willingness to go beyond our assumptions, break our myths and expand our consciousnesses.

And it is so worth the effort! I have worked with Dr. Demartini for 10 years now, and have yet to find any other tools that are as effective as the Demartini Method. I hope more people will visit his website, www.drdemartini.com and explore what he has to offer. It is life altering.

Thank You, John Demartini

2009-07-24T08:32:00.002-05:00

Last night I spent a few hours with my teacher and mentor, Dr. John F. Demartini. He gave a talk on his new book, FROM STRESS TO SUCCESS. Listening to him bring out the universal principles that I have been studying with him for 10 years was so helpful.

He reminded me of one very important truth: We're not victims of our history; we're getting feedback to master our destiny. So, all the things we don't like that happened in the past (a minute ago, yesterday, last year, etc.) are actually bits of feedback to inform how we create our next minute, day, week, year, etc.

The other gem I recognized is that stress levels have a lot to do with not seeing the value of what we have. When we focus on what we perceive we don't have, or think we need that we can't get, then we just haven't looked for the form we already have it in. I know this principle, but I can see now that I have some work to do to truly apply it in my daily life.

So, off to a much different day today than yesterday, and I look forward to seeing what I'm thinking and recognizing as the day progresses.

Talking to God

2009-07-23T07:10:00.005-05:00

In living through what seems to be the biggest challenge of my life, I have come to realize that I must be much more creative in how I start each day, since I have waked up in a panic for several weeks now. I mostly start out with my regular meditation--saying my life vision statement and affirmations. Sometimes I am in such a state, I can't get the words clear enough in my mind to say them, even though I have them memorized.

I talked with my sister Rachael yesterday, and she again encouraged me to see that this is truly a spiritual journey, one that cannot be dealt with in psychological terms. The tools I have help, but they are not enough. Talking to God is what seems to help the most.

She suggested I look at Psalm 130, and I did. It is very comforting. Then this morning I started thinking about Psalm 23. So I've printed them up now, and am going to read them over and over. I find comfort in the sense of a deeper connection to all the human beings throughout our history who have struggled and found comfort in these same words. For thousand of years, these words have been repeated. That has to mean something.

For someone who has felt a deep connection to God for most of my life, the most difficult part of this crisis I have been living out is that I felt somehow separate from God. How could this be? How could I lose my footing like that? How could I not be able to quickly connect to my center point?

Fear and Panic have seemed to be more powerful than my own will. Now I know this isn't actually possible, but it IS what I experienced. So now I have decided to tackle this problem in a more concentrated spiritual way. I'm going to keep talking to God in as many ways as I can find, and I fervently hope to find my way back to that feeling of certainty that I have God to rely on, to lean on, to guide me through my dark hours of the soul.

I truly know that deepening my commitment to finding God in this situation is a blessing in itself. I have said over and over, "Where is God Not?" But living that truth is sometimes harder than I ever imagined.

To keep going is the only way I know, so that is what I am doing. Thank you, God, for the strength to keep going and the opportunity to keep growing.

Facing Myself

2009-07-22T07:17:00.003-05:00

When I set up my blog, I thought I would be writing fairly frequently, and yet I find that I can only write when I feel inspired..... And lately, my inspiration level has been very low. Over the past several weeks, I have discovered just how completely and utterly human I am, and the process of accepting this fact, and learning how to live through it and how to move forward is the most daunting I have ever faced.

I found out a business associate is a fraud, and that she defrauded me and others out of a great deal of money. I still can't quite believe it. I still can't believe how foolish I have been. I find myself bouncing around in every possible emotional state: shame, disgust, fear, panic, a glimmer of hope that something might be redeeming about this situation, then back to guilt, fear and panic. Many have helped me through this, and I am so grateful for my family and friends that are standing beside me, holding my hand and helping me work through this.

It is a testament to what I have actually built in my life that these people don't have the same low opinion of me that I do at this point. I know I am a "good person" and I know that I had no intention of this happening. I still feel responsible for it because it happened to me. I have such a sense of responsibility in life, I can't even spend a lot of energy angry and blame-throwing toward this person. She is playing a role in this, no doubt, and she deserves to pay for what she has done. I have no idea if there is any legal recourse for this, a she is very clever and deceptive, and tells a really good sob story. So the only actual legal recourse may be Divine Justice.

I have believed in Divine Justice since I was very young. I have believed that we are in a beautifully ordered Divine Universe governed by Infinite Intelligence since I was able to formulate the concept as a child, albeit I didn't learn how to call it that until I studied as I got older. But inside, I knew there was a God, and that God was inside me, and every other person on the planet.

Dealing with a situation like this has triggered all sorts of self-doubt, questioning what I did to get myself into this problem, sometimes frantic searching for some semblance of reason to be able to live with myself. I have valued being self-sufficient, taking care of myself financially for a long time. Is God teaching me to value something else more? I think so, but the pain of feeling I have screwed up is sometimes more than I think I can bear.

But I do bear it. I keep going to sleep and waking up each day and I'm still here. I reach out to friends and talk it through. One friend has become the voice of God for me. She listens to me in pain, she responds to me as if God were talking. She says things like, "I'm here for you. I am always with you. I love you. I understand you." Isn't that what God is for us? A presence, a force of nature that is undaunted by human experience--that can hold us close and comfort us as we sometimes crawl through life?

I find it very difficult to talk about this problem with very many people. It triggers a sense of panic that seems uncontrollable. But the paradox is that when I do admit what I am living through, and I let people see how painful it is, how hard a time I am having, we seem to connect on a deeper level and I feel a closer friendship with them.

So I'm trusting that God is leading me through a transformation from one kind of woman to another. This new woman doesn't think she has her life handled. This new woman uncertain about some things. She is fragile. She is scared. She is vulnerable.

The other interesting thing I see is that if a client calls, I'm sort of "on it" in that I am able to cut through their issues and work with them to help them see another way to handle their situations. I have had concerns that this crisis would so debilitate me that I couldn't coach people. But I am actually doing fine when I work. And the added benefit I see is that I feel so much more deeply what they are feeling, and care so much more deeply about them. I know I cared about my clients before, this just seems like more.

So, I do understand the good/bad/good/bad of living through this difficult time. I haven't fallen apart in complete despair. I am certain I will feel differently about all of this in a few months, a year--by then I will have a clearer perspective, a deeper understanding of the lessons I'm learning right now.

What I do know is that I am more deeply grateful for my family and friends than I dreamed I could be. The feeling goes down to my core and comforts me even when I am so scared and panicky that I don't know if I can breathe. I still feel them with me. That feeling is worth more than money, and I know it is a big part of what I am learning here. I also know that the more grateful I can be, the more I have a chance to get back into balance. So I am looking each day for more and more to be grateful for.

So, thank you God for giving me such a tremendous opportunity to grow. I'm going to talk about this in my blog, because this morning I woke up realizing that if I don't write about this, I may not be able to get off the merry-go-round of self-flagellation and move forward into what my life is becoming. Maybe if I write every morning, I will be able to make more sense of this and my progress will seem more real.

I sure hope so!

Yes, There Are Other Options

2009-06-16T08:44:00.003-05:00

Several months ago I wrote about an acquaintance who, at 62, reached a point of such life desperation that he shot himself. I won't ever truly know his story, as I have only heard some of the reasons he might have done it. It sounds as if it had a financial basis, and that he didn't seem to have thought of any other options.

Yesterday I went to another funeral, this time a completely different kind of occasion, as we were celebrating the rich, full life of my Uncle Johnny, my mother's oldest brother, who passed away at the vital age of 90 because his body just couldn't function anymore. This was a man who clearly saw other options in life besides giving up.

My mother and I visited his wife before the service; we had driven early in the morning to Gilmer, a town a couple of hours east of Dallas. She handed us a stack of pictures that I had never seen--photos of Mom and her five brothers as children, images of her and my father newly married, and others of me and my sisters visiting my grandparents' farm with our mother. All the shots were in black and white, but life seemed to breathe from them.

There was a picture of my mom and four of her brothers and I asked where Johnny was--she said he had left home by then, that is what farm boys did back then. He and his cousin had graduated high school at 15 or 16 and gone off to Texarkana to be able to drink, smoke and play cards--act out their dreams and work just enough to support their freedom. When World War II started, those same boys enlisted and did their duty. Fortunately Johnny was one who came back from the war.

He married a woman who he was crazy about--but the craziness turned out to be hers. I can remember visiting them, or their being around in family gatherings, and watching Aunt Corinne slowly change into someone not truly with us. Back then, mental problems were probably as common as now, but no one talked about them, and I doubt there was much help for them--especially as they were good Baptists and they just lived out their problems.

Johnny took care of Corinne for all those years. They never had children, as she was his child, but I never heard him complain about her or his life. I know he had colon cancer 18 years ago and had lived with a colostomy bag since. I never heard him say a word about that either. She died about 6 years ago, and Johnny was with her until the end.

What I did hear was how funny he was, and how, whenever we saw him he'd say things like, I'm a good lookin' guy--it's because I'm an Erwin--I just can't help it! And it's true. All the Erwins (including my mother--truly beautiful at 84) are good looking. And they have strong constitutions and strong characters. These are the salt of the earth people who work, take care of business take care of their families. Actually, a couple of the brothers didn't do so well. Uncle Jack got killed in a fight when I was a child. My mother was crushed by that, but the family just went on. And my Uncle Tom left his first wife and didn't do such a good job taking care of their children, but they all grew up anyway and now he and his second wife are missionaries in Mexico and build houses in a village with a lot of orphans. That redemption thing seems to be going on there.

And Johnny created a whole new life for himself a few years ago by getting involved with a delightful woman, Monte, who was a widow and a pillar of the community in Gilmer. They dated a while then got married--didn't want people to talk if they stayed at each others' houses. He sold his house in Longview and moved back to Gilmer to live with her. He was around 86 and she was 81 or so. And they had fun! They traveled all over the place, made all the family gatherings and included all of us in their enjoyment of life. They had a great love affair, obvious to all--not mushy and gooey or embarrassing to watch--but one of mutual respect and true appreciation of each other and the contributions they brought to the relationship.

Yesterday we looked at pictures of their traveling adventures and I started thinking about how different it could have been for both of them. They could have given up long ago, they could have been sufferers for their losses. But they made different kinds of choices and lived life fully. Monte is still young and vibrant, and I am certain she will continue to live well. She is so grateful to have had those few years with him and all the fun they had together.

Thank you Uncle Johnny for reminding me how well life can be lived. And thank you God for giving me a family that I can love, admire and appreciate--and be so proud to be a part of.

A Prescription for Life?

2009-06-02T13:05:00.007-05:00

I've been traveling a bit, spending time with friends in various places. Traveling gives me a chance to catch up on my reading, break my TV habit for a bit, think about what I love to do.

I'm wondering how many people are actually doing what they would love to do....

On the radio this morning, I heard the question posed this way: how can someone who loves to do mechanical things, work with his hands, find a way to do what he loves and still find enough income to support his family? That is paraphrased, but you get the idea. One response was that mechanics are in greater demand right now because people aren't buying new cars and gadgets, they are fixing up the ones they have and holding on to them. So for some, the possibility of combining what they love with earning money is actually more real today than in the past.

I also watch the stories on TV about the fall and possible rise of General Motors, the pundits who are preaching doom and gloom about the economy. Many are saying that the changes being made by GM today would have made sense a few years ago, but management wasn't willing to make them.

Perhaps this strange, unfamiliar, seemingly very difficult economic downturn is our "have to" in the process of human evolution. I wrote earlier in the year that I saw it as the "equilibration of hubris." The over-emphasis on money, things, status, image--those are symptoms of hubris. The arrogance of human nature expressed in $5000 must-have handbags...... Perhaps this is our chance to "have to" become different kinds of human beings.

Today, more people are saving money than have in at least 20 years. Apparently they have noticed that they are the only ones who are truly responsible for their futures, so now they're putting money aside to create more security. The boomer generation has lost its dream of retirement by the golf course.

Is that a bad thing? Is it imperative that over 60 means that work becomes irrelevant?

I watched my father-in-law retire from a business he didn't love, spend 3 or 4 years building a house then run out of things to do except look outside at his lakefront property, fish, and do a bit of yardwork. He died within a year of the completion of his house. He was 72. In 1983 he seemed old. Today, as I am approaching my 62nd birthday, 72 doesn't even begin to sound old.

What if he had found something to do that he really enjoyed? His wife, my mother-in-law, died a year later. She was only 68. Once he was gone, the lymphoma she had been fighting for a few years took hold and did its damage. Aside from her grandchildren, she didn't have much to look forward to.

My father died in September 2006 and I watched my mother go through the slow process of adjusting to life without him. She also went through a traumatic illness from fall 2007 to spring 2008, but emerged alive and well from it. Now that she is living in a retirement community, she is engaged in all sorts of activities that suit her: decorating for parties, playing bridge, going to meetings about life in the community and solving issues with residents. She found something to do--and a reason to be glad she is still alive. As she is almost 85, it would be easy to give up and just sit there. By not doing so, she is still fun to be around. I actually look forward to our little jaunts to the doctor or to run little errands. She has taken a new direction and finds it interesting and stimulating.

So maybe having a fulfilling life, loving what we do is more about loving ourselves, loving being alive, and finding ways to express that. So if we don't have the promise of the future we were sort of taking for granted, if we don't have a guarantee that the world will provide for us, perhaps this is our chance to be glad we are alive. To go back to basics and learn to take care of ourselves, take care of other people, do the little things that make a difference. I see my mom doing that, and the more she does it, the more cheerful she is.

Looks like it is true that one way to live well longer is to live well with others and open our hearts, engage in community and feel purposeful. Sounds like a pretty good prescription.

Identities

2009-04-15T13:55:00.004-05:00

I recently heard a friend describe a dilemma: She had been asked to collaborate with two other independent colleagues to create a proposal and she was having difficulty because they would all be equal in the project and she is so accustomed to being in control in her work, she was afraid to move forward with them because it meant giving up control.

I have been thinking about identities lately--how we hold on to the ones we are comfortable with even when by doing so, we impede our own progress. I'm not even sure we see them as identities when that is happening, because our behavior seems so natural to us, we don't even realize what we're doing.

One identity I recently identified in myself is the dual persona of "do-gooder and rotten-worthless"--although I have been sort of pridefully hanging out with the do-gooder side, with the notion that she was preferable. In fact, I didn't really want to know she was in perfect balance with the rotten-worthless side--because that was the part of myself I was afraid to face.

We all grow up with insecurities, and because of the way my family operated, I looked at the times I was punished, banished, reprimanded, grounded--all as evidence that I was rotten-worthless down deep inside. There had to be something wrong with me or else why wasn't I getting to live the life I wanted? Why else did I feel so abandoned and alone in the midst of my family?

Years and a lot of effort toward self- and other-awareness have taught me that it is endemic to the human condition to feel that way, and I am now grateful that I have been challenged by life, because the degree to which I have been challenged and able to move through it seems to have a direct correlation to my ability to live freely with confidence today.

So that identity, albeit partially secret, has now been exposed--and because I no longer need her on a daily basis to get me going and functional, I find she has retired, gone to the beach for much needed R&R after years of being a driving motivator responsible for keeping me going. And it feels scary to be in the unknown territory of not having her to fall back on--it means a new identity is unfolding in me, and I don't know her as well. I feel more vulnerable and uneasy, but I really don't have a choice because the other identity doesn't fit me anymore. So who am I actually? More of myself, but still learning about that.

Which brings me back to the opening story of my friend and her control issues. Isn't that really about her being challenged to find a new identity? One that can collaborate, that doesn't have to control every aspect of the project? It is scary to allow herself to change into this new persona, but wouldn't it be worth it? Would she rather hold on to the old one and not get the project? Was she really all that in control in the first place, or was it an illusion?

I remember how excited and nervous I was when I went to the first grade (that's when we started school in the olden days....). I sort of feel like that again, and as scary as it is, I really want to see what happens next!

The Challenge of Education

2009-03-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

I watched Arne Duncan on Charlie Rose the other day talking about his new job as Secretary of Education in the Obama administration. To say I am encouraged and actually thrilled with the possibilities of what can be done is an understatment!

These guys have made it their mission to put public education on the FRONT BURNER for the US. What a concept! To many of us, it is a no-brainer, but to the previous administration and to the people who vote where to put our dollars, it has appeared to be very low on the priority list.

I volunteer (and serve on the board of) Avance, a very forward thinking (thus the name) non-profit committed to early childhood education in the underserved low-income hispanic community of Dallas. I have a selfish reason for doing this, along with my desire to "give back" to my hometown. The children of this sector are going to grow up and vote in the elections that determine the direction of our city and state. These children are the future employees of my business community. These children are my future!

And so are ALL the children who are growing up in urban areas across the US--many of whom are so sadly led to believe that life in a gang is preferable to getting a great education.

I have heard all the arguments about self-motivation and why the more conservative elements in our society don't want to create a welfare state. But if we don't help children get quality education and access to different life opportunities, won't they be more likely to turn to the government to support them? I truly believe to offer and support quality education is the fastest way to build a strong society of self-determined, responsible citizens.

The same day this program aired on Charlie Rose I had the honor of listening to John Wood, author of LEAVING MICROSOFT TO CHANGE THE WORLD. John founded Room to Read after trekking in Nepal and discovering village after village where children had no access to books or educaiton. In the 10 or so years of its existence, Room to Read has opened 7000 libraries and 2000 local schools, collaborating with villages and local citizens to improve the possibilities for their children, to date mostly in Asia and Africa.

This will change the future of our world. And we have the opportunity to do the same thing here in the US by supporting, learning about and actually insisting that the innovations the new administration develops are given the time and space to work. It will take more than the two terms of the current president. It will take 15 to 20 years for the effects of these efforts to come to fruition. So we have a challenge ahead of us to not allow the status quo to interfere with true progress.

I believe our quality of life in the future depends on it!

I've Got an Idea!

2009-03-08T10:44:00.001-05:00

I've been listening to stories about people losing their jobs, being really worried about how to make it in this economy. One of the most significant is the Elkhart, IL example of over 15% unemployment because an RV factory went out of business. Some of the people interviewed talked about how their politics had changed because of their economic situations. On man said he voted for McCain, but wouldn't today--because today he believes the government should step in and solve this problem for the citizens of Elkhart, IL.

This morning, as I was doing my Pilates, I listened to a Charlie Rose interview with Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google. They were covering a broad range of ways that technological innovations have and continue to play a major part in the resolution of problems in society. He reminded me to think about just how creative we can be when we look for solutions instead of being paralyzed by challenges. I realized that there is an alternative to either being destitute or being rescued by the government.

I have often talked with groups about our inner wealth. What we know, our ability to create a strategy and solve problems, based on our experience and understanding--no one can take that away from us. It is our inherent endowment of wealth that continues to appreciate and grow. If that is our true wealth, and we understand that, then we are not quite so susceptible to the fluctuations of the economy.

I also believe completely in the human potential. I believe that history proves how human beings can move through what seem to be insurmountable obstacles with creative, innovative and strategic thinking applied to the best ends.

What if these challenges we are facing right now could be met head on with human creativity? What if the people of Elkhart, IL started gathering together in large groups, looking at the problems they are facing as a community, and started figuring out what to do about it? What if the citizens of the devastated communities started brainstorming together about working their way out of this? What if they started creating little businesses among each other? What if they decided that they could appeal to each other for new ideas, not just the government to fix things?

If you were stranded on an island and didn't know when you could go home, would you sit down and wait or would you start finding shelter, food, some way to survive? And as you continued to survive, would you start having glimpses of actually thriving in that environment? Isn't that a distinct possibility?

So here we are in America 2009 and our systems we relied on are breaking down, the blue chip stocks, the business leaders, the political answer people don't seem to have any clear solutions for our problems. Maybe it is time we started coming up with our own. Maybe we are on that island and it is up to us to figure out how to live on it.

Was This the Only Option?

2009-03-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

A man I knew killed himself this week. Apparently things had gone too far financially and he didn't see any other way to solve his problems. I didn't know him well, as we did some volunteer work together, but I find myself feeling a great deal of empathy for him.

I have glimpsed how he may have felt. There have been times in my life that I felt hopeless and so completely out of control over the overwhelming problems I believed I had that I fantasized that I could maybe die my way out of it.

In 1992 I was very ill, and so miserable that many days I just wanted to die. I crawled my way out of that illness, and each day I felt a tiny bit better, I was grateful for my life. My son was only in his early twenties then, and I couldn't fathom not being around for him, so actual death wasn't really an option, but I did play with the idea.

I find myself wondering if as many women take that option as men? Do some women feel more connected to their children and are therefore less likely to abandon them--even if they are adults--in this way? I don't know the statistics, but I do know that the two things that kept me going in my moments of despair were my son and my friends.

Do men have the same support from friends as women do? Was that a factor for this man? I can't know what was in his mind. But I appreciate him for reminding me how important I feel life is, and how grateful I am that I have found ways to move through what seem to be impossible times and keep going.

Being Realistic in Unreal Times.....

2009-03-01T09:16:00.000-06:00

Listening to what is being said from myriad sources (even Warren Buffet, our financial role model/icon has just admitted that he got caught in this downturn) I keep thinking that part of the problem is that it all seems surreal, like we might wake up tomorrow and find out this was the nightmare of the American Dream and it's over and everything is all right now. Yes, we are watching the headlines, encouraging our political and economic leaders to face today's challenges, yes, we all know what is going on.

But this isn't the America we grew up in! This isn't the world we imagined for ourselves!

Why? I grew up in the 50s when we "ducked and covered" to be prepared for nuclear war. Talk about unrealistic! Why did anyone ever imagine that hiding under a desk with our arms covering our ears would be a form of protection? But we were dutiful students, lining up, being quiet, behaving properly (for the most part), so we could get it over with and go out and play.

Then in the 60s we rebelled and tried to do things differently. We succeeded to some degree. Forty years later we have a black president, a female secretary of state and a very different world. So what did we leave out? How did we also get into the worst financial crisis of our (I'm speaking for the 60 and under crowd) lifetimes?

I think we got here by being unrealistic. I think we still made up stories that the people who ran the big companies knew what they were doing. I think we expected the government to somehow take care of things when we weren't doing it for ourselves.

Instead of a debate among almost violently opposed pro- and anti- big government advocates, why weren't we looking around asking really important questions, things like:

"Do you really think it makes sense to live beyond your means expecting a house to carry you into the future?"

"What are the odds that this financial house of cards we're building will fall down around us one day?"

"Do we really need that new ____________ (fill in toy, car, dress, house, trip, fantasy life style) or are we forgetting to save for a rainy day?"

I am not actually that surprised that the Madoffs and Stanfords of the world are now being exposed, because they are the furthest extreme of the Ponzi scheme mania. How different from creating a Ponzi scheme was CitiBank to take investor dollars and put them at such great risk, with no true guarantee of a return?

Isn't anyone pissed off at these people? But aren't we all also responsible for their behavior? Haven't we all been acting like it would last forever?

I don't think fear is such a bad thing. If these people making these decisions had been more fearful, they might have thought their strategies through more carefully, taking into consideration worst case scenarios.

I'm learning to embrace fear right now. I have a fairly secure financial situation that I am now being even more careful to evaluate and protect. I'm single, I'm in my early 60s, I have what looks like several more years ahead of me to enjoy being on this planet, so I'm feeling very serious about what that could look like and how I can create more security for myself.

Isn't that the responsibility of every individual on the planet?

No, I'm not berating and wanting to punish people who bought into the "dream" and extended themselves way beyond their means. One, they are paying a dear price for that in their current situations; and two, they were also modeling themselves after iconic figures flashed before them through all sorts of media (stage! screen! television!) convincing them that they too were invincible and somehow invulnerable to the consequences of the basic laws of finance.

No, our whole society is guilty of this--and our whole (now global) society is paying the price.

So, how do we be realistic in unreal times? I think asking those questions above is a start. I think making sure we go back to basics is the next step. I am asking myself about each and every expenditure--do I need it? How important is it? If I saved that money instead, what would be the benefit?

I'm not becoming a paranoid miser hiding out in my house out of fear and self-protection. I am actually spending money on things I value. I am also saving money. I am also paying attention to what is going on in my current investments. I am making no assumptions about anything.

Facing the problem is the first step. What we do about it will be very interesting to see over the next three to five years, which is how long I believe it will take to fully turn this problem into something we reflect back on as the best learning opportunity of the 21st Century.

Thank you, Malcolm Gladwell!

2009-01-31T11:54:00.000-06:00

I read Malcolm Gladwell's latest book, OUTLIERS, recently and was so moved by the book that I had tears in my eyes as I closed the cover. What a gift this book is for those of us interested in human behavior and human potential!

He has done an extensive study and reports, and documents well, his findings. His style of writing is so much like talking that I feel I am in coversation with him as I read.

I love the 10,000 hours explanation. I remember trying to explain to my son that if he truly wanted to be a great soccer player, he needed to practice a LOT more. But, as is true to human nature, he had the idea of being one, just didn't have the drive to do the work. What he DID love doing was cooking, creating systems and listening to his own inner voice. Translate that into his current life, and I can easily see why being a chef is his true calling. Since he has now been cooking for 35 years (he started cutting vegetables with me at age 2--using a real knife, I might add (I was a Montessori teacher)--and there is no doubt that he has put in more than 10,000 hours cooking and creating systems for how to improve both his products and his methods. This explains why after almost 13 years as a professional chef, he's now found his sweet spot and a job that truly works for him.

In my coaching, one of the things I find most interesting about people is the seeming difficulty they have in self-discipline. This is why linking whatever we choose to do with our highest values is crucial, because without that, there is no way to force ourselves to stay with the program--be it a diet, an exercise plan, a course of study, a job, a relationship--all the way up the ladder of life activities.

People call it "finding their passion" but I learned from Demartini that passion is only a beginning, and often detrimental state, because it assumes that one side of life, positive or negative is better or preferable to another. This leads to lopsided thinking, and the inevitable result is infatuation and resentment. Since that doesn't interest me except as a passing phase, I prefer to think about fulfillment. My son feels fulfillment when he does what he loves. I feel the same thing with I work with people to help them see more than they saw about themselves and others. It isn't my passion, it is my expression of love in the world, which is fulfillment of my higher purpose.

So, I hope Malcolm sells a lot of these books, and that he continues to explore what makes up show up the way we do. It is an invaluable contribution to the evolution of consciousness.

Wasting Time?

2009-01-07T09:50:00.000-06:00

Now that I am fully one year plus into my sixties, I have lately had occasion to look back and wonder about what I've been up to for the last forty years. I have a theory that in our twenties we're trying to figure out who we are and how to be here. In our thirties we work like crazy to build our professional lives, which seems to require a lot of pleasing, obeying the rules, setting up systems and being productive according to the standards of the millieu we relate to.

In our forties, we look around and start wondering if we really want to keep pleasing all those people! We start finding ways to please ourselves. At forty-five or so, we become more discerning about whom we're spending time with and how we're spending that time, but I can now see I was still rather naive about that--even though society considered me an adult, I can see how limited my scope still was at that age.

We turn fifty and look around and realize (about some people) we don't even like them! And after fifty-five, it is highly possible that we no longer give a flip about what others think and move down the life path listening to our own inner voices about what works and doesn't work for us. That doesn't mean we are completely devoid of pleasing others, as I have come to see it is part of the life journey to sort out and sift through relationships and decide what fits at any moment.

So, was any of that a waste of time?

I hear clients moan about their past, musing that they have wasted years going in one direction or another, whether with work or relationships, and regretting having made those particular choices, because today, they see how it could be different. My response is, so what? If they hadn't made those choices, would they be who they are today? I don't think so..........

And this leads me to my two resolutions for this new, unformed year I am embarking on:

I hereby resolve to embrace and be grateful for what IS, instead of what could have been.
I hereby resolve to have more fun, live more fully and enjoy being out in the world making new friends and growing new relationships.

I know that many see me as one who already does the above in spades, however, I am the one who lives inside myself, and I know the ways I self-sabotage in both those areas. So, I am making a public commitment (even though I don't actually think anyone else is reading this, but I'm putting it out for the record) that I am aware of my own ways I diminish myself, and I am willing and ready to step beyond that and blossom in new ways this year.

So, the thing about wasting time is this: If I had been "smarter" or "cooler" or more discerning, more careful, more cautious, more reasonable, less impulsive, less carefree, more fearful--I could go on and on--than I was in the past, then I wouldn't have experienced all those amazingly challenging and inspiring situations that led me to the me I am today. So no matter WHAT I did, I wasn't wasting time. I was evolving myself, my awareness, my abilities to live, love and learn in new ways. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

On and on and on

2008-11-22T04:49:00.000-06:00

As I drive through the city in a Paris taxi, I gaze out the window in awe of the graceful architecture, the almost regal apprearance of the buildings that have been here for centuries. And then I think about snippets of conversations about a world-wide economic crisis, and wonder how many of those crises have those buildings weathered....

Seems to me that the buildings represent something that it is a bit less evident in the US, simply because we are a relatively new land, with most of our country built in the last two hundred years or less. So we don't have the stately presence of history to remind us that life just keeps going on, and on, and on.

The buildings may have changed ownership over the years, but they are still here. The shops sell different merchandise, perhaps, but they keep inviting businesses to open them. There are many shops in Paris and Barcelona that have served customers for what seems forever, they are landmarks, fixtures of the urban landscape.

I find this very reassuring, calming even. It reminds me to not get too caught up in the fluctuations of the economy; instead to reflect on the resiliency of human beings.

It reminds me to appreciate the struggle of humans to find their order, their place in the world, the way to live with others and keep evolving. Being human isn't easy; it takes a lot of effort to live well and find the peace of mind to truly cooperate with others.

So I stand in awe of human beings as well as the structures they have built.... And yes, I know I'm one of them, and that makes me feel really good inside.

Friends Part II

2008-11-15T08:59:00.000-06:00

So, continuing on my theme of friendship, what are friends actually for?

I think that they are especially valuable when they challenge us--to look at ourselves differently, to think about things differently, to get out of our own way. I recently had a dilemma about one of the people I work with. He has been in a difficult family situation, I've been watching from a distance, and it finally reached a point where it is jeopardizing our business.

What to do? Say something I think will help? Stay back and see what happens? Talk behind his back to others and share our opinions with each other but not tell him? I have done bits of the last two choices and found them to be unsatisfactory. They didn't help....

So after sleeping on it, I sat down and wrote him a long letter this morning. I told him what I thought, I made a few suggestions and pushed send. And I took a big risk!

I don't know what will come of it, but at least I did something, and even if he reacts negatively to what I wrote, I can at least look myself in the mirror and know I did what I believed was the right thing to do. Isn't that what friends are for?

What friends are for.....

2008-11-13T16:36:00.000-06:00

After what seems like a race to the finish I finally boarded a plane to Paris on Monday for a long awaited trip to visit my dear friends there and spend time in my favorite city away from home (I do admit that I love Dallas, and so it still stands as my favorite city). And as much as I adore the architecture, the feel of the culture, the different way they do almost everything in Paris, seeing my friends is the real draw to being here.

Who would I be without my friends? They are my anchors in what would be a much different type of existence if I didn't have them. The are my teachers. They are my mirrors. They challenge and support me at the same time. They keep me humble and give me much needed wake-up calls.

The best thing about my friends is that when I don't know what to do, I know whom to ask--which is invaluable, as well as life-saving. Today I got a really strange email from a guy I dated for a few months and had sort of let drift away, and I was so surprised to get it, I had no idea what to do with it. So I forwarded it to my best friend and asked her what she would do. The answer was so ideal, I'm going to share it. She wrote:

"OK. Here's what I thought when I read the email. Uh. Not bad but not good either... a part of being open to meeting new people. Then I had this vision of swimming up-stream in lovely slow moving water and that email is just an autumn leaf floating by. I wouldn't answer it, I'd just notice it and let it float on by."

I can't imagine a better response, much less a more poetic one. Now that's what friends are for!

So here I am in Paris with friends I haven't seen for a year and it is if I saw them yesterday. We pick up in the middle of the last conversation and continue it. I see the baby I have known since before she was born and she runs to me with complete recognition! The bond between us is as strong as the one I have with her mother. The last time I was here she was 6 months old, so how can she remember me? My guess is that she just feels the love I have for her....

I walk arm in arm with a dear girl who has shared some of the most important passages of her life with me and I can't imagine who I would be if I didn't know her. Our contact between visits is fairly minimal, as we both have very busy lives. But the depth between us is unshakable.

And I talk into the night with another woman I have known for nine years who has taken longer to truly open up to me, but who I haved loved seeing blossom into her authentic self over those years. These are all unique friendships that each serve me in a unique way. And they are so much a part of the fabric of my being that I know they have influenced and changed me, as I have affected their lives. Thank God for them, and thank God I know this! Thank God for my friends!

The harder they fall........

2008-10-26T09:33:00.001-05:00

I have a client whose financial crisis mirrors the one in our global economy. She spent the last few years banking on the idea that she could somehow circumvent the rules and not be fiscally responsible and that the universe [God, some magical power out there] would provide.

I believe what we are witnessing is the equilibration of hubris, and by that I mean human arrogance that universal prinicples somehow don't apply to them.

Haven't we seen the wealth and power wielded by Wall Street personas as somehow out of our reach? Didn't we all buy into the idea that these people were immune to the rules? Didn't we believe the evidence of their stature as pillars of the financial community?

Sure! There's even a very insightful TV show playing called Dirty Sexy Money that portrays the antics and machinations of "the richest family in America." They do whatever they want! They buy political elections through lies and influence. They bend the rules, change the rules, at will. And they seem to get away with it.

But the show gives us the other side. These people are just as clueless about personal relationships and self-fulfillment as every other person walking the planet. They just look good and have wealth to mask their misery. It may soften the consequences of their attitudes and behavior, but it doesn't eliminate them.

So what does this mean for us?

I think it means to see whatever level we are being affected by the "financial crisis" as a mirror to show us areas to clean up our thinking and figure out how to live well in a different way--by paying attention to our attitudes and ask ourselves the kinds of quality questions that will lead us to appreciate the challenges of life and re-evaluate how we are living it.

I see money as an expression of energy, and I believe net worth and self-worth are equal. When I see a client with a lack of net worth, I immediately start looking at what they believe about themselves, whether they have a sense of value for themselves, to what degree they are able to live from the inside out, rather than letting the world and what surrounds them dictate their lives.

Usually, this shows up as lack in more ways than money--they lack a sense of appreciation of the people around them and the magnificent universe we live in, they blame others and situations for their problems, they are looking for some sort of magic pill, both figuratively and literally, to get them out of the mess.

There is no magic to living well, because it takes the same process for everyone. And one of the great benefits of financial crisis is that it forces us to get back to basics and rebuild the financial foundation, rethink and reset priorities, stop making up stories about being rescued and take care of each problem, one by one, in a reasonable, logical, effective way.

So what is my client doing? She got a job and is doing the mental preparation work to enable her to succeed at it. Is there any guarantee that she will? No. But the fact that she has faced her situation and takes responsibility for it, the discipline with which she has looked at it and seen what her mental obstacles were and is willing to work through them, gives her a much better chance at effectiveness than when she was trying to have faith that somehow God would provide.

I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes for her. I'm also interested to see how the dire consequences of our global crisis affect the election, how we do business, and what happens on Wall Street. These people were very big, and they fell. Isn't that the same thing that we experience when our unrealistic thinking creates fantasies that we pray will come true? Is that any different from when we're--just as our mothers warned us--too big for our britches?

Creating Harmony

2008-10-20T13:08:00.000-05:00

I used to believe that creating harmony was my job #1 in life.

I have been letting it slip lately, and I want to work on that. I moved my mom to a retirement community at the beginning of the summer and spent the next three months regrouping--getting myself back to me, after spending 9 months taking care of her.

I let myself watch movies, read books, visited friends.... I really enjoyed it. Then in September, as I wrote earlier I started working more and got sort of frenzied, trying to fit so many things into each day.

When I looked at what I was doing, I realized that I didn't want to work quite that much, so am figuring out other solutions. In the meantime, I also noticed that I was getting impatient with my mom when I would take her shopping or spend time with her. Where did my harmony go?

It went back into a lower priority level. I just wasn't mindful of how important it is for me to get along with my mother. No, I don't really enjoy listening to her air her political views. And yes, sometimes it is difficult to wait for her to move around.

But she's alive and well and thinking! And she CAN move! And she is interested in ideas and keeps her mind active!

So, this morning I made a renewed commitment to place harmony in a higher position on my priority scale. I stopped by for a moment to see my mom, and I truly felt different about being around her.

Life is so clearly a state of mind!

Consequences

2008-10-20T12:57:00.000-05:00

One of my clients recently told me how devastated he is because he has become fully aware that his actions resulted in the closing of a door on a relationship that he actually didn't want to give up. Deep in his heart, he didn't want to let go of the dream that somehow things would eventually work out.

But he didn't act that way. He continued to do the one, big thing that would preclude the possibility of that relationship rekindling.

Why?

What prevented him from seeing that his actions had serious consequences?

That is something that I intend to ponder over the next few weeks. Because even though I imagine that I am extremely conscientious about my actions, I probably keep doing things that are creating consequeces, and I'm perhaps not even aware of it--and the only reason I can think of right now is that whatever I'm doing has more value to me than the results I would achieve by changing that behavior.

So maybe, just maybe, even though he believes that he wanted the relationship, he really didn't, proved by how he acted. Is that true? I'm thinking about it.

Not your "ideal" job?

2008-10-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

One of my clients recently emailed me with this question:

"I'm trying to appreciate my current job like you suggested, as I know the contacts I've made...are part of my total vision...I've [worked on doing that] but nothing clear has come to me."

My response to her was:

" I haven’t ever been employed—in any capacity—whether running my own business or working in an organization I really supported—where I didn’t have pretty extreme positives and negatives about the work. I think it is endemic to life. So the sooner we break the myth that an ideal job is anything less than one that challenges as well as supports us, the sooner we can be present, keep growing our vision and doing what is in front of us because it is our divine gift for our further unfoldment. I know that sounds like a strong opinion and it is. Most of us spend too much time in the myth of what could have been or may be in the future and not enough time looking for the benefits of what is right in front of us. No matter what stories we make up, that kind of thinking is what keeps us from being present."

What I'm really saying is that every job is your ideal job, because it gives you the opportunity to learn and grow. And if you fully do that, it leads to the next growth step, which could very easily be another job!

It is so interesting to me that I hear people talk about God and Divine Order and purport to believe that all is ultimately in God's hands, or that the Divine Order of life is ever present, but then they separate themselves from that Order and make up the story that exactly what they are dealing with in exactly that moment is also in Divine Order and can be seen as a blessing.

Why don't we appreciate what we have?

2008-10-19T10:08:00.000-05:00

I do a lot of relationship coaching--with couples, helping people sort out difficulties with friendships, business relationships, how to get involved in them, how to untangle from them, and I think about my own life as I'm working with my clients and no surprise, learn a great deal from them, even when they don't realize they are teaching me.

And I have many deep and abiding friendships that have lasted for years, so I have a lot of information about what goes on between people from a personal basis also. And here's the thing I'm noticing right now: when I listen to stories about other people's interactions, I tend to think about how I would deal with that particular situation, and so often it has to do with me thinking I would be more appreciative of the opportunity to BE in the relationship than they are........

Really? Probably not, but the story sounds so compelling to me, in my mind, that it seems true. The reason I think it is probably not true is that when I'm having a difficult time with someone, I do all the things I see my clients and friends do that I might not do if I were acting out my imaginary scenario. This sounds a little convoluted, but what I'm really saying is:

You have to be there! None of the stories I make up about how I would do it differently would matter to me at all if I were in the situation with exactly their history and behavior patterns, and whatever it is that they are there to learn at that moment.

I dated a guy for a while this summer, and he was a perfectly nice person, but as the time went by, he became less and less interesting to me. I can make up a story that he didn't like me enough, and therefore didn't do the things that I wanted him to do to keep my interest. But I can't actually know that.

All I can know is that I lost interest. So I stopped calling him back when he called me, and eventually he just stopped calling. The thing that I enjoyed about that ending was that it gave me a chance to do something different from how I might have done it in the past. My old style would have been to have a break-up conversation, and I probably would have enjoyed the drama around that. But I didn't go there this time--perhaps because I didn't feel that strongly about him, or maybe I'm not that interested in drama these days. I prefer to think the latter of course, which would mean that by finally being in my 60s I might have matured a bit.

But the truth is that I might feel that drama again, and act differently in another situation.

So, what I'm also saying is that when I see couples who are at war, and start thinking how if I were in that relationship I would do whatever it took to create harmony and develop it instead of tear it apart, well, I am realizing that may not be true. Odds are really good that I will do what I do based on whatever I need to do at the moment for my own security, sanity, and in defense of whatever state of mind I am committed to at that moment.

And that is the human condition.

Why can't people...............

2008-09-29T14:40:00.000-05:00

I've been doing some work with one of the businesses I am invested in to help them strengthen their infrastructure and improve customer service. And I have found it a bit frustrating. I hear myself asking, to myself, "why can't people ________?" I'm sure you could easily fill in the blank, since all of us have expectations of others that don't seem to be met!

Why can't they follow-up and let people know what is happening? Why can't they make sure that all parties are given the pertinent information they need to make decisions? Why can't they do it right the first time instead of letting the situation reach a point of all out frustration from all sides?

Why can't they ask enough or the right questions to be able to come up with a strategy that works? Why can't they quit complaining and just do the work? Why can't they act like grown-ups and have the same work ethic I do?????

And from all my years of training, I immediately see that the most important person I need to be asking those questions to is, me! So, I'm asking myself, where do I drop the ball? Why do I still have difficulty communicating and getting what I want from others? Where have I not informed people about things they need to know? What information do I not have that I need?

What can I do to transform this feeling of frustration into something else? Writing about it may help. I'm thinking some contemplation of this will help. More later.

Back to Work!

2008-09-17T17:10:00.000-05:00

After taking most of the last year to take care of my mom and winding down from spending so much time in the previous years working and traveling, I opened up the space to start working again and felt a whoosh of energy both inside and out! It is fun to feel so productive and be busy, but I am being careful to notice when I am overloading myself.

It reminds me of studying Angeles Arrien's The Four-Fold Way years ago. She wrote about the four addictions: 1) the addiction to intensity; 2) the addiciton to perfection; 3) the addiction to the need to know; and 4) the addiction to being fixated on what's not working rather than what is working.

When I first read the book, I spent a lot of time looking at my life and how I was acting out the four addictions--and I've attempted to pay attention since then (15 years now), but I'm now seeing how easy it is to rev up the engine and just forge ahead and suddenly realize that I'm getting caught up in them again!

One of the ways I am intense is by trying to fit too many things into one day and not take time out just to be here. I was getting really good at that over the last year, so I don't want to forget about it!

I show the perfection addiction when I keep going longer than necessary--at my emails, in conversations, in completing things all in one day. I seem to forget I have time, and that some things actually can wait until tomorrow!

I get hung up on needing to know when I start pushing my take on things instead of waiting, listening and seeing what is actually going on around me. Sometimes I am pretty sure I know what is happening and I'm completely wrong!

And sometimes I get frustrated with people not doing what I want them to do, so focus on that, instead of all the ways they are doing just great.

So, thank you Angeles Arrien, for still being a beacon of light and learning in my life after all these years. I'm so grateful I can see how much more I can learn and be aware of!

My new life

2008-04-21T12:37:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog last year, I fully intended to write every week and use it as a sort of journal to see where my thinking was taking me. Then my mother had a devastating medical emergency on October 3 (her 83rd birthday!) and my life changed immediately. I was the one of four sisters who lives near my mom, and it fell to me to manage the situation. It's nothing new, there are so many articles and stories written about the sandwich generation--and we think we know what it is about until we are fully living it! For me it was different because I am single and have been an "empty nester" since 1989 when my then 17 year old son went into the Navy (that's another story!). I had built a very active life running my business, doing consulting, traveling to visit my friends around the US and in Europe. I was constantly on the go and very busy, as whatever I committed to, I tended to do all the way. Because I'm not in a traditional "sandwich" with a family at home and parents who also need me, I can call this more of an open-faced sandwich experience.

For the past several years, I had called my mom twice a day from wherever I was--I worked around the country doing coaching, going to classes, working with the Make Mine a Million $ Business group at Count Me In--and until my dad passed away in September of '06, I was mainly a supporter of her as she dealt with his illness. The year following his passing, she was sort of getting her sea legs as a widow. They had been married 62 years, and had spent almost every day together. Quite a feat, although expected in their generation.

So, I encouraged Mom to go on a cruise, keep active, all that stuff. and she did. But then she had a minor medical procedure on October 1st and within two days was in the hospital, where she almost died because necrosis had eaten away the top level of skin across her stomoach. She had 4 surgeries in 2 weeks and somehow just hung in there and made it. After she woke up from a month in a medically induced coma, she had to learn to do everything all over again--swallow, move her arms and legs. eat, sit, stand--everything. It was quite a journey, and after 11 weeks, I was able to bring her home to my house to keep getting well.

The first few weeks it was like I had a newborn baby. I was up and down every two hours to help her. She was on a walker, had a wound vac that had to be toted around, and she had to be helped up and down from bed or when sitting in a chair. The experience is a little like a blur now, but the one thing that stands out is how perfectly lovely my mom was during this time (and still is!). You hear about older people being difficult, but she is the opposite. She was so grateful that she lived, and that we rallied around her to help her live, that she decided she had a big responsibility to make that worth our while. She still talks about how she feels compelled to live and live well because of what we all went through together.

During the hospital stay and right after, I kept working with my clients, but saw that the responsibility of having Mom at home was growing. And I wasn't that pleased with the caregiver service that we hired to be with her when I had to travel for work. I had minimized my outside work, doing most of it from home, but there were times I had to be away. I realized that I had come to a crossroad, and it was time to decide what to do.

So I resigned my position with Count Me In at the end of the last event I attended in January, and came home to be a stay at home mom for my mom. That was the beginning of my new life, and now I'm finding that I can actually talk about it. For the last 2 1/2 months I've been living it, noticing how I felt, thinking about what lies ahead. But I have been sort of bottled up inside, not really able to sit down and write anything. This morning, the words just started pouring out, so something has changed.

I am ready to talk to myself this way again, so I'm going to keep writing and see what comes out. I want to record this part of my life journey, because it is a dramatic change for me to see that I identified myself mostly for the last 30 or so years by what I did. That is so clear to me now, although I had the notion that I was evolving and integrating myself and growing ever more comfortable in my own skin. What came to me this morning is that it isn't an either/or about what we do vs. who we are.

We are who we are and we express that by what we do. It sounds so simple, but I have been in countless conversations about the pros and cons of "being" and "doing" as if they could be separated! Perhaps this isn't so novel to others, but it is new to me! Based on my observations of myself as a caregiver to my mom, I see that I am still a "doing" person--that I find ways to be busy each day, even though I don't currently have a big job title or lots of clients waiting to work with me. After selling my rep firm a year and a half ago, I immersed myself into my consulting and coaching work, not taking a breath between the ownership position and the more independent work. Of course I had been doing the PeopleBiz work for years on the side, but now it was my full identity, and I just went with it.

I still work with clients now, but nothing like I did before. I'm learning how to NOT work! So what does that mean? Am I a different person? Is this just a hiatus until my mom is ready to be on her own again? Is it possible for me to cultivate a new persona at 60?

My coach keeps telling me to take it slowly, do as little as possible in the way I used to do it. Take my time, spend days in my PJs, rest, relax, go to movies, just have some fun. So I'm doing that, pretty much. But I still feel a little restless, and I catch myself wondering what I forgot to do.

Mom needs much less attention these days. She is walking freely without a walker or a cane, she bathes and dresses herself, gets her own breakfast many days, works crossword puzzles, plays solitaire on my laptop computer, visits with friends on her cell phone, exercises and has even started taking short walks with me. She is much closer to full recovery, even though the wound on her stomach is not yet fully healed. We still must change the bandage every other day, and she is still not strong enough to fully care for herself.

Some great things have come out of this so far: I am fully committed to doing my Pilates every other day. The consequence is that I feel really good, my muscles are still talking to me but they are saying keep going, we love this! [Instead of stop, this hurts!] And for that I feel very encouraged. I feel strong and agile, which I love feeling.

I have been able to stick to my exactly right diet, not eating things I'm allergic to because I can pick and choose and control all my meals. When I was traveling, I had to take what I could get many times, and am sure that contributed to my getting viruses and picking up strange bacteria on my trips. I had immune system problems in the early 90s (another story) so have had problems with food and health for the last 16 years. Not traveling seems to agree with my body.

And I feel closer to and more relaxed around my mother than ever before. Since she's living in my house, I just had to let go of making "nice" when she made a snide comment about Hillary Clinton, for example. I am a major supporter of Hillary's campaign, and my mom is an old-time, very entrenched Republican. It is fine for me if she votes that way, or even just thinks that way, but I don't have to listen to her put down someone I believe in! So, we have had some very heated conversations about that--and it has felt great! I can see now that I was so PC when I was running my business and working out in the world. I don't have to be that way now! I can say what I think, and I don't have to protect anyone, including my mother, from my thinking.

It was actually easier when my dad was around to just avoid political conversations--they had pictures of George W. and Laura around the house. I just didn't want to argue with them about that stuff, especially since my dad's time was limited. But now it is different. I can see my mom opening her mind to new ideas, and she has even come to appreciate why I support Hillary and what it was like for me to be a business woman all these years in a male dominated business world. She was so protected by my dad and his position, that she didn't realize how difficult it was for those of us striking out independently. So, even though it might have been easier to stay in a rut, or for me to just keep certain subjects under the rug, because of our living situation, I find it impossible. And she is growing and changing and thinking about things. I sincerely hope I can say the same about myself at 83.

The most interesting thing for me about this time in my life is that I have no idea what lies ahead. My mom is welcome to stay with me as long as she likes. As she gets stronger, she talks about moving to a retirement home with other people her age. As a transition, we have a goal of getting her to a bridge center so she can start playing cards and being with people.

She may decide to just live here and learn to drive her car again and have a social life that way. Or she may decide to move on and be more independent. I can see that it is fine with me no matter what she decides. I know it will affect my life more if she stays here with me. So, although I am open to it, I have no idea what it would feel like, except that it could possibly be just an extension of what we're doing right now.

One thing I've learned through this: I'm actually easy to live with! I've had a few relationships over the years, but haven't actually lived with anyone since '96. so I had begun to wonder if it would even be possible again. But it is! I feel fine with someone else in my space, and I actually love doing domestic things like cooking, shopping, etc. Of course I still have my housekeeper 2 days a week, so it isn't a full housekeeping position for me. But this has become quite a pleasant experience to think about what to cook and shop for interesting meals. I did it years ago when I was in a family situation, and I still enjoy it.

So, my journey continues. And I think I will be able to write about this more often now, because I have started it. Something seems to have broken open and I feel a different kind of energy.

To be continued...................

Life Challenges

2007-11-04T17:04:00.000-06:00

It has been quite a while since I posted a blog. The month of September was very demanding with travel and workshop commitments. It was also my birthday "month" since I celebrated from September 2nd (my actual birthday) all the way to September 29th when some of my dear friends had a birthday party for me. We were all so busy that it was the first date we could get together!

It was a great party and my most special guest was my mother, Nellie, who danced with me and spent the evening visiting with my friends. I'm so deeply grateful we had that night because four days later she landed in the ICU due to a medical complication and has been there now for four and a half weeks!

It is amazing how life can turn on a dime. I find myself saying that a lot lately, and thank goodness I know that, because it has been quite a roller-coaster ride. Times like these are both beyond difficult and great gifts. I feel like I have learned so much from this experience.

Some of what I have learned, in no particular order (as my mind tends to jumble around a bit):

* Dealing with family issues is just about the most core stuff it is possible to experience. It brings up old wounds, old resentments, new challenges and opportunities. I have found myself having to step back and really listen to what is going on around me then let myself process it carefully so I don't just react and add to the tension of the current situation. I keep using the tools I teach others--I am actually aware that when I work with clients I'm really talking to myself!

* Crises like this put life into focus unlike any other time. I am so clear about what is really important to me! I love every minute I get to spend with my mom. I have had no problem letting everything else in my life come second to her.

* I am in awe of her strength. For whatever reason, she decided that this wasn't her time to leave this planet and held herself together through four surgeries in two weeks. The roller coaster is that she gets better then has minor setbacks. Each time she seems like she won't make it through this I have to let myself be okay with that idea. And each time I get really okay with it, she rallies and moves forward again. Amazing!

* I am also deeply grateful that I am at a time of life that I can take the time necessary to be there for my mom and not have to worry about running my business. I still am able to work with individual clients, so the choices I made about how to live my life are working out! That feels good.

* We are so not in control over what happens in this world! The only thing we have control over is how we think about what is happening. That is clearer to me than ever before!

Leadership

2007-08-28T16:38:00.000-05:00

Today I watched a broadcast of The Charlie Rose Show on PBS. He was interviewing two leaders who have written books about their lives: Bill George, former CEO of Medtronic and now professor of management at Harvard Business School; and John Whitehead, former co-Chairman of Goldman Sachs, and former Under Secretary of State for the Reagan administration. They reminded me of some of the great qualities of leadership that make the difference in our effectiveness.

When asked what makes great leaders both reflected that it wasn't about people projecting some form of idealized perfection. They respectively admired men like Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill. Neither man was flawless, but each was an unforgettable leader. They both were decisive, able to go against conventional wisdom of their times, and were masters at creating consensus and empowering the people around them.

An amazing feat of Lincoln's was that he pulled together a team of his own adversaries to create a cabinet that would actually serve the country. Those same people grew to respect him and were able to follow him with integrity. Churchill was actually ostracized by his peers for his views until the challenges of World War II made it necessary for them to utilize his expertise.

Both Lincoln and Churchill failed and rose again, which is an attribute that makes leaders stronger. They learned from their experiences, were patient, and listened, but made the decisions that they knew were right.

"People support things they help create." When Bill George tried to sell others on his creations, he failed. When he learned to listen to others and include them in the creation of the direction, they were willing to follow him. He says that the key business leaders he has seen fail did so because they didn't lead themselves. They got caught up in compensation, reaching goals, or some other external form and stopped listening, to themselves and others, and didn't lead from within, so failed.

George and Whitehead agreed that without the challenge of failure leaders cannot grow into greatness. This is something I firmly believe: the difficulties, the challenges, the nay-sayers of your life fuel your fire, inform your growth, and give you the opportunity to find your strength.

Another client moaned this week about how it would be so great if the challenges were somehow easier. Would that really help? Is it possible that the very thing you believe is insurmountable, yet right in front of you, is your ticket to greatness? Is the price of that ticket your willingness to face yourself, look inside and find the strength and character it takes to move through that impossible difficulty?

Great leaders today are able to align people around principles and values then empower those people to play a role in creating solutions for the challenges they face. Are you spending more time bemoaning how hard it is or being grateful you have been given a blessing of difficulty so you can grow through it and find your greatness? Are you carefully building a team of powerful, self-confident people around you that will work with you to achieve your objectives? Are you in self-denial or are you seeking the honest opinion of others to find out what they can teach you about yourself?

If you haven't ever hit the wall and failed, been unable to truly move through a challenge, do you actually know yourself? To me, it is the humbling factor that opens up the possibility to ask for help, learn from what didn't work, and regroup with what you now know and get up and go again.

My beloved father used to say, "Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement." Can you really trust yourself to work with a leader who hasn't failed and learned from it? Would you want to work for someone who not only doesn't recognize the value of those around him/her but doesn't bring out the best in people?

Is that the kind of leader you are?

Taking my Time

2007-08-19T17:30:00.000-05:00

I love how Einstein taught us about time. When we are doing something we truly enjoy, time flies. When we're in difficult moments, time seems to slow down. And every once in a while we get into a zone where time doesn't seem to exist.

I recently struggled with a moral dilemma that made days seem like eternities, moments like eons. I was looking at my situation upside down and sideways, and couldn't find my way clear to resolve it. What to do?

The amazing thing I came to see is that I was so caught up in it that I couldn't even talk about it!!! That is not my norm--I usually talk things out, ask for help, get feedback. But this problem was so deeply affecting my soul that although I could talk about parts of it, I just couldn't face letting the whole story come out in the open.

My friends and family started asking me what was wrong, and I responded in my usual way, "I'm fine!" And I kept convincing myself that I was!

But I wasn't, and I finally had to come to grips with it and realize that I couldn't contain the emotional stuff leaking out of me-- and that if I didn't start talking about it and getting more help, I would end up being ill.

Thank god I did--and the help poured out from myriad sources! What a blessing! I have worked through it, I know what to do, I have a plan and can now execute it.

Should I have come to the resolution sooner? Did I waste the time I spent ruminating on the inside? Is there an X on my life "report card" for not making good use of time and materials? (That is a left-over from elementary school....)

I feel so much better right now that I don't mind that I took my time. It is just where I was, and I do believe--for many reasons--I did the best I could do to deal with the situation. If I were younger, I probably would be beating myself up for not resolving it sooner. A great advantage to being almost 60 is that I understand process and am willing to go through it.

Thank god!

Authenticity

2007-07-23T20:11:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to be authentic? Why does it matter? What difference does it make if others perceive us that way? Does authentic mean expressing whatever emotion we are feeling, regardless of how it will affect others?

I've been realizing lately that being authentic doesn't always mean saying the truth at any certain moment. Sometimes I don't tell what I'm thinking because it is more strategic for me not to. Does that mean I'm not authentic?

I don't think so. I think it means that I'm actually getting good at taking care of myself, making sure what I say and do work for me, and that I manage the situations I'm in instead of react to them.

Being authentic to myself is what is key here, and the more I do that, the easier it is to walk through my life. I spend more time acting than reacting. And I am having a very interesting time!

Wealth Part 2

2007-07-03T12:04:00.000-05:00

To continue thinking about Wealth, I've just returned from traveling and many conversations about challenges and opportunities. What if you considered all those a part of your wealth?

So many people say to me, "I wish it would get easier!" "I know that this is a growth opportunity, but I wish I could pick them instead of having to deal with what shows up!" "Yes, but this problem seems harder than what other people have to handle, so why me? Why do I get all the hard stuff?"

Sound familiar?

What if you saw those same problems as things that enriched your life? What if you realized that the challenges you face are blessings that help you grow and understand more about yourself, and help you learn to love what you haven't loved?

I had two amazing conversations this week with people who were working with people that they had a low opinion of--that they believed were somehow beneath them. And these same people were frustrated about not being able to create enough abundance in their lives, more or less stymied in their efforts to make money and feel successful at their work.

When I asked them about it, they had myriad reasons for why they were "right" and the other people were "wrong." One even said she felt she was "casting pearls before swine" when talking about her work with clients.

What I find interesting is the correlation between lack of abundance being accompanied by a miserly attitude toward the very people supposedly being served. What do I mean by miserly? By not recognizing that these clients are simply people on their path, doing the best they can with what they have to work with, counting on her to help them grow, then she is hoarding her wealth of knowledge and understanding instead of sharing it with them in an authentic way. She says one thing but thinks another, so how authentic is that?

When I called her on it, she was shocked. She truly didn't realize what she was creating in her life by that attitude, and hadn't seen the connection between hitting walls in her life and the walls she built between herself and her clients.

If the world is our faithful mirror, showing us what we actually think and believe about ourselves and life, then wouldn't it make sense that having the success she was seeking would keep being out of her reach and be stuck behind the walls she was creating?

What I love about this is it is possible to change our experiences by changing our perceptions. If she starts seeing these people as her collaborators and allies in the creation of meaningful work, including the challenges and difficulties they bring as part of the process, she can change her experience with them. If she could see the difficulties with them as blessings, gifts to her for her own growth, opportunities to see things from a broader perspective, chances to develop some new skills in communication, wouldn't that increase her effectiveness and earn her the respect and loyalty of those clients? And wouldn't that then increase her ability to win new clients based on the success of that project?

And to see that as part of the wholeness, the wealth of our human experience--wouldn't that show up in greater abundance in our lives? Instead of trying to get rid of or get away from the "negative" experiences in life, by embracing them, appreciating them and learning from and through them, we actually increase the value, meaning and wealth of our lives.

Wealth

2007-06-20T19:24:00.002-05:00

The theme of the month seems to be Wealth. It is interesting that almost every time I begin speaking about it, people assume I'm talking about money. That is such a small part of wealth!

I believe that people don't have a clue how wealthy they actually are, because the only evidence they count is what is in their wallets, their bank accounts and what they list on their financial statements. Yes, that is a good measure of what you may have accumulated in dollars and cents, but it is a paltry sum in relation to the actual value of your life, your relationships, your experience, your skill sets, your opportunities, your health, your sense of well-being in general!

What if you put a $ value on all of that? What if you counted every leaf on every tree that you could see and saw the total as part of the abundance you have manifested in your world? Those trees may not "belong" to you in your yard, but they belong to you in your world. They are there for you to appreciate and enjoy. So are the amazing conveniences that we take for granted by living in the US.

Last year I took a trip to Marrakech, Morocco for a wedding celebration. We stayed in what was considered a 4 Star hotel for northern Africa. It was the equivalent of a very dated, not very attractive motel by US standards. There was one hair dryer that you had to put a deposit down at the front desk to reserve for use. To get a taxi, because we were out of the main city area, we had to negotiate with the local people to make sure the fare wasn't exorbitant.

To get to a restaurant in the Medina (the old section), the taxi drove us into the closest part where there was room for a car to pass (like a very narrow alley) and we had to be escorted down winding, even more narrow, walkways to reach our destination. They didn't want us to wander around unescorted anywhere -- as it was both dangerous and we could get lost and wander for hours!

Yes, there was a romantic flavor to it all, but is it something you would want to live with everyday? We stopped at a cafe near the major market area (the more commercial part of the Medina) and tried to find a restroom. There was a hole in the floor, a bucket of water, no paper, for any purpose. The only place you could find a more western type restroom was in a much more sophisticated restaurant.

I'm glad I had an adventure in Morocco. I'm glad I've traveled to and lived in many parts of the world. But when I return home, I feel like kissing the soil! Telephones! Postal services! Reliable places to eat! Safe and comfortable hotels! Beautiful grocery stores with more types and options of food than most people in other areas could imagine!

That is just one more small part of what I consider my wealth. I have more choices than most people dream of. I have friends all over the world who (thank god!) welcome me when I visit. I have opportunities to do the work I love to do. I have a great doctor who helps me get and stay in balance. I have great relationships with my family. I have friends that I can count on to be there, to tell me the truth, and who want the same from me.

What if I started putting a value in $$ on all of that? Well, I have. And I ran out of numbers to calculate it! Suffice it to say that I am a gagillionaire and growing.

What do you think that does for me on a daily basis, to feel that kind of wealth? It helps me stay focused on what I love to be, do and have in my life instead of feeling like I have to struggle to get what I lack.

Isn't that a great definition of Wealth?

The Human Condition

2007-06-11T18:27:00.000-05:00

I have just had the MOST interesting week! This past week I gave myself a golden opportunity to see more of me, appreciate myself and gain a little more insight into the human condition.

I have been studying metaphysics in one form or another since 1970, and a good many of those first years of study were spent with me trying to find a way to overcome or supercede the human condition. My sense of fairness came into play, and I think I had a little victim consciousness left over from my childhood, so it seemed to me that if I could stop doing all those pesky, unproductive, unfulfilling and painful human things that somehow my life would be wonderful.

I worked on that long enough to understand that it wasn't possible. By 1989 I had quit studying with my current teachers and had struck out on my own journey of discovery. I felt at loose ends. I tried to keep using some of the tools I had in my bag of tricks, but I wasn't sure how to fit them into my life. That was my first experience of the joys and pains of "the fertile void." There was nothing to do but keep hanging out with myself and see what happened.

In the process, I began to see being human in a different way. I got tired of being down on myself for not being, doing or having what I imagined was "better." And instead of trying to stop being a regular old "human being" I started looking at what it actually is to be one. In the process I came across some really lovely people who guided me to open my eyes and see things differently. One was Byron Katie, who now travels the world teaching The Work. Another was John Demartini, who also travels the world and teaches the Quantum Physics of Emotions (I like to call it that, anyway, even though he calls it the Demartini Method) and both of them keep showing us ways to appreciate and honor all the aspects of being human.

And of course, I still have old niggling beliefs inside my cobwebby mind that say I should already know things, I should have figured all this out by now, so sometimes I don't actually use the things I have learned, but instead get out the old self-flagellation stick and use it vigourously. But when my mind clears, I remember to love myself and how human I actually am.

I was driving today thinking about how lovely it is to still be naive at my age (almost 60). And that I feel very vulnerable and scared some of the time. And I still have this thing inside me that wants to see and believe the very best about people. And that sets me up for disapointment from time to time. So -- do I get mad at myself when I am disappointed? Do I wish that I could not be that human?

My answer is no. I'm okay with feeling that way. I'm not okay to carry it around as a symbol of my victimhood -- but I am okay with having rough moments, working through them, getting help and finding that I love myself through the whole process.

So on with the human condition! May I enjoy it so much that it keeps making my life a seeming hell from time to time -- and gives me a sense of accomplishment when I find more of myself in the process. I'm starting to get that this is what loving myself is.

And so it grows!

2007-06-04T13:28:00.001-05:00

I just returned from Atlanta where we held our third Make Mine a Million $ Business (M3) event this year, selecting another 8 women to participate in our amazing program to help them scale their businesses to the $M level. I am feeling more than fortunate -- I am feeling the power and strength of all the incredible women involved in this movement!

As the Executive Coach of Count Me In for Women's Economic Independence, I get to help steward these women into our program through an orientation session. This gives me the opportunity to spend some very quality time with them right after they win. First, I love seeing how grateful and encouraged they are by having won. Second, I sit in awe of them, their stories and their earnest dedication to reaching their goals.

They were as diverse as you can imagine! Different ages, different ethnicities, different backgrounds, and very different businesses. The creativity and ingenuity among them was astounding. Their desire to immediately start sharing and giving to each other was impressive.

One of the things we have come to understand in building the M3 program is that women truly thrive in community -- and seem to move into new ideas and ways of doing things more easily when they learn about them together. The folklore about women and the way they move around together actually has a basis in their physiology and psychology -- both evidenced by the recent articles about how women in groups produce a higher amount of oxytocin (a mood altering endorphen). In these groups, when they are truly safe spaces for us to be ourselves, we can let down our guard and open up -- to each other, to ways to improve ourselves and our businesses.

Obviously, this is working. Companies like OPEN from American Express, AIG, FedEx, Cisco Systems -- to name a few -- have joined forces with us to help us grow this movement. They are investing their valuable resources, including people, money and services, to ensure the success of the M3 program. The women in the program feel so validated! They feel recognized -- instead of isolated and sort of insane to have put so much time, effort and money into building their businesses. The fact that these companies support them means more to them than they can even express.

And I'm feeling a little like that myself right now. I want to share my enthusiasm and gratitude that I get to help -- be a part of something so meaningful and rewarding -- but I'm not finding all the words to do it.

Suffice it to say, that this is what it looks like to me for the world to be a better place. When women get together, support, challenge and encourage each other to live their dreams, and in turn immediately start seeing how impactful it is to their communities to do so -- when that happens and I get to participate in the process -- then I feel my cup runneth over with gratitude and blessings.

If you want to learn more about this amazing program, check out www.makemineamillion.org and read about the women who are changing the face of business!

Cycles of my life

2007-05-23T12:47:00.000-05:00

After selling Miller & Associates on November 1, 2006, I had an opportunity to take a little time to vision out what I want to do for the next 30 years. With the help of some great coaches, I realized that I was now entering the third major cycle of my life.

The first 30 years were focused on growing up and figuring out who I was. The second 30 years were all about providing service to others -- growing my sales rep business, developing a coaching and consulting practice, living through the cycles of various relationships, and raising my son to adulthood and becoming a supportive friend to him and many others. I loved it -- regret nothing -- and am so deeply grateful for each opportunity the challenges and joys brought me.

Now it is time for my life to truly be about me! The years of work showed me that I love being productive and active. The years of study showed me that I can trust that the universe is operating from a basis of intelligence and that there is an underlying order to everything. The years of connecting with people showed me that people are a driving force in my life, and I can't imagine my life without the friends, family and acquaintances that I have grown to love and count on for sustenance and enjoyment.

So, my vision quest was an interesting journey from November through the end of February. I didn't try to force anything. I stayed with myself, spent time working with Count Me In, took a lot of time to be with my mother and make sure she is well on her way with her new life without my father's daily presence (he passed away in September). I looked around and noticed what is truly important to me.

By the middle of February, I was pretty sure of things -- and gave it a couple more weeks to truly gel in my mind. I saw what I am meant to be doing for the next 30 years. The simplicity of it was a surprise, but also a relief. I have been a "strider" and "striver" for most of my years -- working diligently toward whatever I deemed most important at the time.

Today the striving has mellowed, and I know that my walking, ambling, sometimes moseying, is sufficient -- striding isn't actually an option for me since I got my new ankle joint two and a half years ago.

I am here simply to be here. It may sound like a cop-out -- but I know it isn't. What it means to me is to be ready, available, approachable, responsive, interested, vital, interactive, interdependent, open, patient, caring and generous -- to name just a few ways of being that come to mind.

It means that my vision has expanded to seeing myself as an attribute of the intelligent force running this divine universe and simply living that to the fullest.

I created the new website to act as a beacon of light to let people know that there are other ways to think and live. I know the people that need to find me will. I know that the work I am meant to do is ever present and comes in many forms. I am grateful and enthusiastic about my future. I see it as a continuum of where I have been with an added bonus. I get to be in my sweet spot every minute of every day! I get to work with amazing women and help them create and manifest their dreams!

I get to inspire others to live from the inside out and encourage them to have the loudest, most important voice in their lives to be the one inside them -- sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting -- telling them what they need to know. And I get to watch them blossom into their true selves, radiating power and vitality from within.

So if you happen upon this, I hope you feel my gratitude for all that is -- here and now -- in this magnificent universe that allows us to put these ideas in a form that can be accessed by whoever it will benefit. What a concept! What progress we make as human beings! And what encouragement it can give us when we fall into thinking there is something wrong with the world, the government, presidents, businesses, friends and family.

There is always a balance, if we look for it. There is no way we can truly screw this up -- even though the challenges we face seem insurmountable at times. Each one has within it the seed of blessing, if we will take the time to find it.

So, for my first post, I say thank you grand organized design of the universe for all that is. And I look forward to growing more each day in my awareness of the wonders of life. I am so grateful to have this place to talk to myself and see what is actually on my mind!