New Year, New You!

The idea of making New Year's Resolutions started centuries ago, yet in my experience these commitments are very difficult to live up to.  Instead of setting ourselves up for some level of failure, why not look at the new year as an adventure, an exploration of renewal and re-energizing?

Most "Resolutions" are based on what we wish we would have done....  Why carry the baggage of the past into the new year?  Why spend a lot of time second guessing ourselves about what we could have done differently?  Why spend energy on regret?

So here are some questions you could ask yourself instead:

• Did I do everything I could with what I was given?
• Was I honest about my feelings with the people that are important to me?
• What kinds of choices did I make that worked for me?
• Did I listen to my inner voice or spend more energy reacting to what others said or did?

Then take those answers and let them lead you down a new path, in a new direction.

It doesn't have to be a drastic change on the outside, I'm talking about changing how you see things from the inside.  Some examples:

• Do you often hear yourself saying, "this is just the way I am"?
• Try asking if that is true...
• Then ask yourself what you get from holding on to that self image...
• Is it a defense mechanism?
• Is it your excuse to not look for ways to compromise and harmonize with others
• How often do you say, either out loud or in your thoughts,, "I can't handle this!"?
• Is that true?
• Is it another excuse--this time one that let's you off the hook?
• How much could you grow, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, if you faced whatever challenge you wanted to avoid?
• Is the idea of pushing yourself to greater heights so difficult to accept?
• Are you afraid if you push yourself you will fail?
• Have you ever really let yourself explore what it would be like to live fully for yourself, giving yourself the opportunity to say what you want, what you think, what you believe?
• Most of us edit ourselves to be more palatable to others.
• Most of us are exhausted by keeping our true selves compressed, tapped down, so as to remain likable, fearful that we will lose something if we are too authentic.
• Most of us do some form of self-medicating to ease the stress of constant approval seeking and hiding our true thoughts and ideas to that end.

As Marianne Williamson stated many years ago, we serve the world by shining, not shrinking.  It was a call to awaken that sleeping giant inside all of us and let it out into the world--perhaps clumsily at first, but gradually learning to navigate the human experience from a place of authenticity, honesty, and self-appreciation.

Who could you be if you let your light shine forth?  What contributions great and small could you be making?  This new you, living fully, could be making a much greater difference in peoples' lives than you realize.

I invite you to consider this journey of exploration.  Who knows what you will find out?

Life Entrepreneurs Give to Others and Give to Themselves

Giving and receiving are the words of this season:  is one "better" than the other?

No!  To me, that is an antiquated way of looking at it.

People rushing around to find the "right" gift, to do the "right" thing for their families~it is exhausting and energy draining.  And once it is over, very anti-climactic!

So here are my recommendations for the upcoming days:

• make sure you pay attention to balance

• whatever you do for others, find an equal way to do something for yourself~it doesn't have to be the same thing, just the same amount of importance

• ask more questions:  why are you doing this?  is it really necessary?  is this what I truly want? what is the benefit for myself and others?  

• become the observer:  pay attention to what others say and do; notice what you say and do; ask questions about it~are you being authentic or are you pleasing others to make sure they like you?

• watch how much you drink.  Many times we are in social situations and in order to feel comfortable we drink or eat just to calm ourselves, then we wish we hadn't done it.  One glass of wine might be sociable.  Two or three glasses of wine might impair your ability to be the observer....

• sometimes we do so much for others that we secretly feel we need a reward~which we give ourselves with food.  Are you eating to reward yourself or are you eating for the healthy nourishment you are giving yourself?  There really is a difference!  One piece of really good chocolate could be nourishment.  A huge bag of M&Ms or a whole pint of ice cream might be a way to feel better because you haven't actually taken care of yourself~and then you feel guilty and sort of foolish afterward!

• only accept the invitations that truly interest you.  You can start today cultivating the friends and experiences that add to your life, enrich your life, and that you feel you are truly engaging with.  This way, you are giving your energy in a worthwhile direction, people get as much out of knowing you as you get out of knowing them!

• Keep checking in on your values and beliefs~as they may be shifting.  You may discover that things you think you value really aren't that important to you, and you may notice that the things you truly value are where you naturally gravitate toward. 

• If you think you believe something, ask yourself why~where did the belief come from?  Your childhood?  Your social circle?  Your religious upbringing?

• Is it really what you believe, or are you simply doing things the way you've always done them?

• Remember that the greatest gift you can give your family, your friends, your community and the world is your authentic self, empowered to live from the inside out, telling the truth without blame or judgment, being open to outcome, not attached to outcome.

Happy Holidays!

Life Entrepreneurs Age Gracefully

Have you ever lied about your age?  When I was younger I wanted to be older. As I got older, I kept being reminded, through what I saw on TV, movies and the media, that staying young looking was something to work at constantly.

So many women in the entertainment and news fields have that stretched-face look--smooth cheeks that drop off into gradually wrinkling necks.  Women have been taught to fear aging, to deny their truth and do whatever it takes to appear youthful.

Why?  What is so horrible about being older?  Isn't the alternative that you simply aren't here any more?  Is that preferable?

I once sat next to a woman who seemed to be about sixty at a charity luncheon.  She was impeccably dressed, perfect hair and make-up.  Then she spoke, and I could tell she was much older than she looked.  And when she rose from the table, I could tell she was more feeble in her body than her face let on.  She wobbled, she held on to the chair until she got her bearings, then slowly walked away. She was eighty, at least, and everything about her told me that. Except her face.

That seems so sad to me.  

Yes, there are many of us out here in the big world who are content to be a little more wrinkled, have gray hair, be a little more plump in certain spots.  I'm not advocating letting everything go, mind you, but I have really enjoyed not being obsessed with whether the scale reads five pounds more or less.  I have enjoyed being interested in what I think about those around me, rather than what they think about what I look like.

At sixty-eight, I am comfortable in my own skin, happy to be alive and well.

I do swim aerobics, I walk, I eat a very balanced diet, I get enough sleep, I take care of myself.  And if someone thinks I should color my hair, that is their problem, not mine!  

My mother is one of the role models for me.  At almost ninety-one, she dresses well each day, keeps her beautiful white hair styled nicely, takes really good care of herself, and lets herself be who she is. I am so grateful that she has shown me how to age gracefully.

I have learned that health is more a state of mind than a state of body.  Our bodies were not meant to last forever.  We can take advantage of the wonderful services offered by healers, and keep them strong and vibrant to a great degree.  But no one can defy the effects of age completely.

Because of that, We can decide to embrace age, instead of fighting age. Take a little more time to rest.  If you get the sniffles, try rest. Make sure to take the things that boost your health, like vitamins and minerals.  Stay active, but don't overdo. Instead of trying to be younger, try living life as it is.

Most important is to work on our inner selves--find our true voice, speak our truth, live our truth. There are myriad books, tapes, teachers and healers available that can help us tap into the incredible wealth of value and beauty that is inside each of us.  Doing that gives us more than youth--it gives us energy, vitality and a power of presence that radiates from within out.

You might be surprised at how much more fun life becomes when you live it fully!

Life Entrepreneurs Continue to Reinvent Themselves

Today I turned 68 years old, and I have more than I ever imagined to celebrate!

Six years ago at this time I was still reeling from having discovered that the financial person I had trusted and utilized for my investments had stolen the money and lived on it, instead of investing it, and so had to face that I had been taken in by my own little Bernie Madoff.

I was devastated, had no more savings, just my current assets. After making this discovery in June of '09, I pulled myself together by July, gathered my wits and my paperwork and called the FBI.  They wanted copies of everything I had (3 inch stack of papers, emails, etc.) and I met with them at the big FBI building right off I-35 and Northwest Highway.

It was scary.  I was full of shame that I had been fooled and gotten myself into this situation.  I couldn't let the shame take over, because I knew I had to take action. The FBI agents warned me not to tell anyone publicly what I was doing with them because they wanted to catch this person by surprise.

I wrote blogs about going through a difficult time, but I couldn't write about the actual crisis I was dealing with.  I learned how to say things without giving away the whole story, because I really needed that outlet to express my feelings.

As the investigation went on, the FBI told me that this person had committed so many crimes, and hurt so many people, I had nothing to be ashamed of. She was an accomplished sociopath that had fooled everyone.  They did catch her, and she has been in jail since 2011.  The whole story flooded back to me last week when I got a note from the Department of Justice saying she would be out of jail in 2016 and on probation for 2 years after that.  I felt nauseated, but it passed, and now I'm just glad I am well out of that difficulty.

In June, July and August of 2009 I had to call my best friend Lida in Houston so she could help me get out of bed each morning.  She would insist that I recite my Life Vision Statement each morning--which seemed like empty words--until I started believing in myself again.  By that fall, I slowly started coming back alive.

I had to tell my friends what was going on because I was walking around like a ghost, not remembering to call them, take time with them etc.  One of my best friends was very upset because she was going through a devastating time with her grandchildren and she didn't understand why I hadn't been with her.  When I told her my story, we cried together, and I vowed to not let my love for my friends be overshadowed by my shame and fear that I couldn't pull myself out of this.

My friends were amazing.  They helped me keep going.  My family was supportive and gave me the love and encouragement I needed to stand up and move forward.  I felt more love from my mother than I ever had.

All of the myths I had been living with fell apart.  I realized I had seen myself as successful more because of the money I had than for who I am in the world.  I had to revisit all the exercises about wealth and abundance that I had given my clients over the years and find my new source of wealth and abundance--my friends and family, my love and wisdom, my ability to teach and do what I love, all of which I came to see are my true wealth and the value I have for myself which is reflected by what I have expressed around me.

Fast forward to six years later:  I have a new life that I wouldn't exchange for anything.  I have broken patterns that I may have been carrying around for centuries.  I understand myself better, see what I really want in life and am living it to the fullest.

If I never work another day, I have enough money to live on.  I have saved what I need, I have been careful with what I spend, and I take care of myself mentally, physically and most important, spiritually.  I am so grateful for all of it--the good and the bad that got me where I am today.

Today I'm the mom for a precious 12--almost 13--year old girl.  She has become so important to me that I can't imagine my life without her.  I am living in a house I love, fixing it up so it feels exactly right for us.  My darling friend Jennifer has rented part of our house and become just as much part of our crazy family as Tori and I are.  The three of us (ages 68, 35 and 12) make up an unusual but very functional family unit.  Throw in my almost 91 year old mother who lives in a retirement community nearby and we have 4 generations of love, wisdom and learning.

"Losing" the money helped me find more of me.  Ending my last relationship gained me an adopted granddaughter that brings light and joy, challenge and growth on a daily basis.  Facing up to my own "stuff" gives me a wealth of knowledge to pass on to my clients and friends.

What a great place to be!  And thanks to all of you out there who have been a part of it.

Love you!

A New Mom at 67! Life Entrepreneurs Learn to Stand Up and Be Strong

I sure am grateful that I love a good challenge--because this new life would be impossible if I didn't!

The transition of living with Wade and Sammy to living with just Tori has been taking up all my time.  Plus, some of my challenges have been so difficult, I wasn't sure what to write exactly.

First challenge was the house I bought.  Lots of problems, all fixable, but taking lots of time and money that I didn't expect.  There have been days when it felt like I was just opening a vein and pouring out dollars.  But I can handle it, just takes some Zen-attitude and lots of patience.

Tori, on the other hand, has been quite a handful.  Yes, I knew I was taking on a "tween"--and yes, I knew that going into adolescence would be difficult for both of us.

What I didn't expect was for her to turn on me.  I have said all along that this situation is as good for me and my growth as it is for her, yet I have had days when I wasn't sure I could do it.  Doesn't mean I wanted to give up, I just wasn't sure what to do!

Thank goodness for Dena, our family therapist at the Momentous Institute.  She has been a rock of support and encouragement.

The change in Tori came overnight.  One day she was happy and grateful to be here, the next day she was sullen, hateful, angry and wanted to be anywhere but here.  I know part of it is grief.  I am coming to understand that children deal with grief very differently from adults.  There were so many changes over the last year, she really didn't have the space to process her grief.

Now that she is in a stable, safe and predictable environment, it seems the floodgates have opened for many pent-up emotions.  I'm really glad she is expressing them, but when it got directed at me, it was really hard.

I uprooted and changed my whole life to take care of this girl.  I can't expect her to understand what that means entirely--she probably will have many aha moments about it when she's 35 and trying to work and raise kids.  So I don't expect her to get it.  It could be a little of my ego here, we all have that little martyr voice inside that says, "after all I've done for you...."

Mostly I have felt sad for us to feel estranged.  Right now, we are the primary people here for each other.  I don't want her to not have her feelings.  But I have mine too, and they were hurt!

Dena has helped us a lot.  We have had two very tough therapy sessions where we both spoke up and said things we didn't know how to say when we were alone with each other.  I didn't really expect this to happen, but in the second session, just this last week, I found myself telling Tori that I am not going to live like this.  I'm just not going to do it.

It felt so great to stand up for myself with her!  I told her that I feel a deep responsibility to model behavior to her, and that I won't let her think that it is all right for her to be so mean to me.  (She had hardly spoken to me over the last two weeks, and when she did, it was with angry, accusatory-type language.)

I told her I understood that mothers and daughters fight with each other, but I'm not her mother, I'm someone who has chosen to take care of her and be there for her, and I love myself too much to allow her to treat me in an abusive manner.

I didn't have a solution, I just knew I couldn't accept what was happening. Fortunately, Dena helped us negotiate some things.  She helped Tori understand that if she wants things from me, permission to go places and do things, then she needs to show me she is willing to be respectful.  She explained that if she changed her attitude, she would be much more likely to get what she wants.

I had tried to say the same things to her, but in the context of us working together, she truly heard Dena and made some different choices, almost immediately.  By the next day, we were talking again. She wanted some more art supplies, and I took her to the store.  She was polite, and I cooperated.

Seems simplistic in the writing of this, but it didn't feel like it as we were walking through it.

Her big thing is that she wants to color her hair.  I really don't know if that is something advisable for a 12 year old--so I'm taking clues from Dena about it. Her position is that it is very common, and it would be good for Tori to feel she can choose that.  But it needs to be contingent on her behavior toward me.  If she wants to do it, she needs to show me at least one week of politeness.

So far so good.  We still have a few days to go to the next session with Dena, and I've told Tori that we will make the decision there.  She seems to be able to work with that.

For me, the most important part of this is that I am finding a way to stand up for myself and not walk away from a really tough situation.  In my past, I haven't actually found a man that was worth my effort to do that.  Turns out this girl, for me, is definitely worth whatever it takes.

Feels good.

A New Mom at 67! Life Entrepreneurs Create Families in Unique Ways

This is a long blog, but it seems the best way to let my friends know what is going on--big change just happened!

2014 was a challenging year.  So challenging that I haven't been able to write much about it--too much in the middle of it.

By January I had realized that Wade and I were not really a good fit.  I could go on and on about it, but suffice it to say our styles of living just didn't click.  I had started looking for other places to live, sort of gearing myself up to make yet another life change.

Then early evening on on February 3rd we got the call that changed everything: Wade's son-in-law, Bill, had committed suicide leaving two children with no parents.  Wade's daughter, Ginger, had died in August of 2009.

At the time Sam was 14 and Tori was 11.  As I've written before, we ended up with the kids, and after a month or so of working out all kinds of legal stuff, Wade became their Conservator.

We worked really hard, all of us, to settle into a family.  For the first few months, Sammy kept a distance, playing video games, not talking a lot.  Tori and I started bonding fairly quickly.  She had not ever really had a mother, as Ginger was very ill for most of her life and then died before she turned 7.  There were really tough times over helping Tori learn math--as she had skated through school really not learning any of the basics.  We went from her barely working on the 2nd grade level to the point where she could actually pass most of the 5th grade requirements.  The teachers were so proud of her that they let her be promoted even though she was one point short of passing.

Sam pretty much phoned in school work, scraping by on test scores as he had done most of his life, and getting passed anyway.

They both went to camp, and when Sam came back after 8 weeks, he seemed very different, saying he had done a lot of growing up that summer.  I started hoping that we could actually make this thing work.

Wade and I were still at odds, but he more or less separated himself from us, and while he worked at his office away from home most of the time, the kids and I did a pretty good job getting along.

One area we could not agree on was the way we talked with the kids.  I'm a believer in more action less talk.  Wade has the idea that lectures and long tirades about behavior will somehow have a greater impact.  My experience of that is that after the first sentence or two, the kids just look down and wait for him to finish, not taking in or caring about what he says to them.

I tried to talk with him about it, we even discussed it at the family therapy sessions, but it started to sink in that he wasn't interested in anyone's feedback or ideas.  His way or the highway, pretty much.

On November 22nd, he took the kids to a movie I had already seen.  By the time they got back, he had been raging at them for at least an hour--didn't like them acting up (like kids do), poking at each other with some chop sticks they had picked up as they left a take-out place.  He had very little tolerance for noise, silly behavior--the kind of stuff kids do to entertain themselves and also bug their parents....

The scene continued with him cornering Tori in my office with the door closed, her ending up running upstairs in tears and Sammy trying to defend her against him.  When things quieted down with Wade having retired to the bedroom to watch TV, I sat with the kids trying to find out what went on and help things calm down.  I found myself saying, "kids, you just can't provoke him--you know how he gets."

Sam turned to me and said, "I don't want to live in a place where I can't be myself."

That is when the nickel dropped for me.  I was done.

I said, "I don't either, Sam."  Then proceeded to tell them the whole truth about how I was about to leave when they arrived.  They wanted to know why I hadn't told them sooner, and I explained it as best I could:  they really didn't know me well, I could not have taken them out of the situation legally, and I couldn't abandon them to living with Wade, knowing what I knew about him (rage issues, lack of concern for meal times, he didn't value keeping the house really clean, very demanding with unreasonable expectations, then forgetting them and not following through). I just couldn't do it.

I told the kids that I was ready to move out, and if they wanted to come with me, I would take them. They immediately got excited and agreed to go.

Those almost 11 months had nearly killed me.  I gained 10 pounds, my health went downhill, and Wade and I were on edge with each other most of the time. He kept demanding some sort of submissively docile behavior from me (not even possible!) and would sulk and withdraw whenever I would express myself in a natural way. I felt like I was in a dark dungeon, and was actually feeling hopeless. This was so unusual for me that I was sort of in shock over it.

When the nickel dropped and I spoke my truth to the kids, I felt free for the first time in months.It was right before Thanksgiving, so I knew I had to wait to do anything until after the holiday.  I didn't say anything to Wade, but simply withdrew from any possible interactions with him that could result in conflict--meaning I pretty much avoided him.  If he walked into the kitchen, I would walk out.  If he asked me a question, I was as brief and polite as possible.  The kids and I didn't let on that we had a plan brewing.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I got my friend Harriet to help me look at what might be available for me to move into.  The next day I called my real estate agent, told her my situation, and she jumped to action.  By Tuesday, we had looked at 6 houses and I put a contract on the one that seemed best suited for our needs.

My sister Rachael had suggested that in a situation with a volatile man, it was best to not tell him about our plans until I had as much in place as possible.  So I waited until the contract on the house was accepted, and we went to a session with the family therapist (without the kids) and I explained to Wade that it was time for me to move out and the kids were going with me.  No surprise, he was shocked.  He even said that he had begun to fall in love with me again, because I had been so easy and pleasant to get along with over the last few weeks. And he urged me to wait to do anything for at least 6 months.  I told him it was because I was not acting like my natural self, keeping my distance to ensure we would not have any conflict.  And that the woman he thought he wanted to live with was a tamped down, repressed version of me.  And that the decision was done, as I had already bought a house.

That seemed to help, because he accepted my decision.

The next week, Sam announced he would rather live with Carol--the woman who has been his tutor and mentor since 3rd grade.  We all consulted and Carol loved the idea.  After consulting a lawyer, Wade realized he couldn't keep full control and have the kids live with us, so he went to court with us to petition the judge to give all three of us Conservatorship--which he did--and we now have settled into our new living arrangements.

I got the fastest mortgage imaginable and we moved into our new house on December 20th.  Tori and I are getting used to living without the others--it is harder for her because she has been so connected to Sam her whole life.  Sam is feeling unfettered, as he has been responsible for Tori all these years and is wanting to be independent and free.  He is acting out some anger with me, which is natural, as I have been coaching parents for years to see that kids can't break away from someone they feel tied to unless they rebel in some way.  So I am just loving Sam through it, and waiting until he decides to like me again.

So, here we are.  Carol and I are parenting the kids, Wade seems to be relieved that he can see his grandchildren from time to time but isn't responsible for them daily, and the kids seem to be adjusting to the new situation.  School starts again on Tuesday, which will be an adventure for both of them, as they are starting new schools again.  I moved to Richardson, a suburb of Dallas, so Tori could have a truly neighborhood school.  It is 3 blocks from our house.  The middle school she will go to next year is about 4 blocks from our house, and the high school she will go to is even closer.  I fervently hope she can continue to do well in school.  Once she figured out she was smart and could learn, she became a solid B student--a big change from last year!

Carol and I consult frequently about the kids--as we feel like we are doing this family thing together. I am looking forward to seeing how this new year unfolds.

And I am most grateful to be out of the dark and into the light--living in my own home again, being my eccentric, natural self.  And, by the way, I have lost 13 pounds and feel my healthy self again!

I couldn't have done all this without the help of my amazing friends--I felt like Moses parted the waters and all sorts of resources showed up.  We are truly blessed.