It has almost been two weeks since I left Dallas on a journey of self-love. I packed up my car and drove to New Mexico to see friends in Santa Fe and followed up that delightful visit by heading to Colorado and seeing different sets of friends--staying at their homes and mixing in their lives for a few days at a time. I call it a journey of self-love because I keep clearing away the clutter in my mind and when I look out I see these wonderful people reflecting love back to me.
I spent time in Eagle with some amazing and delightful children, and now am on my way to see my grandson. Children are so inspiring because they are always in the present. And that is pretty much what this journey has been about for me. Loving simply being with people, looking out at the incredible vistas from my car as I drive, just sitting and looking at a beautiful tree in the distance.
I have (gratefully) been welcomed with open arms at each stopping point. My friends and I have shared moments that are unforgettable for me. As I have been writing about money and the challenges of recovering from what seemed to be financial disaster last year, I can truly say that I have an even greater sense of my wealth as I travel around.
First of all, just being able to drive through the incredible beauty of Texas, New Mexico and Colorado gives me a sense that I am the wealthiest woman on the planet. On one little jaunt between Frisco and Boulder I missed a turn and ended up going across a mountain pass that took me above the timber line and around amazing hairpin turns--I was in suspension between terror and exhilaration as I drove the narrow pass with no guardrail on the drop down side.... It was so beautiful, I was almost overwhelmed. And so glad I missed the turn so I could do it!
That was the same day I spent a morning working on some old beliefs that I had about myself with my friend Jolina in Frisco--she sort of cornered me before I left, challenging me to work on something she had heard me say that didn't ring true. We had spent the last three days working on her stuff--I love to do that, and couldn't have asked for a better setting for our work. When she challenged me, I felt so young and vulnerable, and grateful at the same time for having someone there to care enough about me to help me see something that I was blind to. Such a paradox that we can have amazing insights about others and remain blind to our own internal stumbling blocks.
She helped me see that I was harboring the secret fear that I had made bad choices--especially in relationships--for my whole life. I just hadn't been able to uncover that fear by myself. It was buried too deep and when I finally broke through it, I realized that I had been afraid that if I had made such poor choices up to this point, that I could never break that cycle.
She suggested that each choice was exactly right and that it wasn't even possible for me to make a wrong choice--that each situation, each relationship had led me to keep going, traveling through my life as an independent, self-determined woman. And I love the life I've lived! So how could I have been at the same time so afraid that I had screwed it up?
I think it is the human condition to not be able to see those hidden fears, what we bury inside to avoid looking at. My take on it is that the fears actually drive us to keep striving, learning and growing--and they will stay hidden until we don't need them to push us anymore and we are ready to create another strategy for growth.
I don't need to be afraid about what choices I make because I am clear that all choices lead to grace. So letting go of the old stragegy is easy, now that I see it. And the self-love part is that I manifested the exact right person in the exact right moment to help me uncover the fear, work through it and move on. I feel lighter, freer and definitely more open to new experiences.
And that same day I met a new friend who reminded me that the more open I am, the more possibilities there are for expressing the love I feel for myself and others. Letting go of an old fear has led me to new experiences--and the cosmic joke plays out again.
I am so grateful to Janni and Richard, to Krissy, Augie, Addie and Hans, to Christiane, to Jolina and Doug, to Joanie and Renny, to Laney and Mike, and to Craig for all showing up in their amazing glory to help me remember what self-love is really all about--appreciating the beautiful "other" human beings in front of us because they are our faithful mirrors, reflecting us back to ourselves. If I can have these people open their hearts, arms and homes to me, I must be doing something right!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Balance Life and Work
A client recently leaned over and almost whispered to me what she was concerned would be a shocking admission. She doesn't get nearly the "juice" from spending time with her family as she does from working!
I wasn't surprised in the least and told her so. But, she cried--what about all this balancing life and work stuff? Doesn't that mean that I'm out of balance?
I realized later that this is the dilemma of highly productive, very involved women. You rarely hear a man talk about this. It is a given, especially for those over 45 or so, that men work. They focus on work. They are rewarded and praised for working.
Women may be more likely to be criticized for the same thing. "What about your other responsibilities?" they are asked. "What about your children? Does your husband mind that you work so much?"
This has changed in some ways, as more women are divorced and keep working, it becomes acceptable for them to be driven and focused--they have to support themselves. But married women are not given the same leeway. They are constantly scrutinized and judged for their behavior. After all, they aren't the primary earners.... Or are they? We've seen surveys over the past few years documenting the change in earning power of women. Sometimes they are making more money.
Whether they are bigger earners or not, the question still needs to be considered: Is it acceptable for married women to be career driven? Do they deserve to be put in a different category?
And women who aren't married but still have children at home--aren't they subject to more pressure when trying to juggle family and work? Especially since many of these women don't have a great deal of support from the childrens' fathers?
I'm not trying to say that this only applies to women. I know there are some men who are raising children on their own, and facing similar issues. And I'm not taking a "super feminist" stand here. I'm just talking about what I see out there in the world.
So, what did I say to my client?
I told her that the amount of time she spends with her husband and children isn't nearly as important as the quality of time she gives them. In actuality, they are just as busy with their lives as she is, and she may be making more of a story about this than necessary because she feels guilty--especially because of the points I made above.
The odds are that if she tried to get more of their time, they would not be available! We often forget that people are manifesting their own lives, not in reaction to us, but based on their own values. The point is to link the quality time she does spend with them to nourishing herself and creating a solid home base so she is more free to go out and work.
I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our loved ones, both family and friends, is be the most fulfilled, authentic, creative, vibrant, alive and dynamic people we can possibly be. That does require some "down time"--setting up some sort of system for rejuvenation from the stress of working. We all need that, whether we know it or not.
Instead of feeling guilty about what we're not doing, I suggest we take stock of all the beneficial things we do to take care of ourselves. Then, from a more open-minded perspective, we can find more ways to enhance our sense of balance. Letting our family and friends know how much they mean to us, how important they are to us helps a lot.
And we can always find a bit of time to spend with people, especially if we recognize the value they bring to our lives. If we approach them from a place of gratitude and appreciation for the parts they play in our overall well-being, they will be much more likely to look forward to seeing us and be much less demanding, and they will have fewer expectations of us. A small amount of fulfilling, quality time with them is probably all they really want from us!
When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we will see our loved ones mirror them back to us. If we have a more objective, self-appreciating view of ourselves and how we are living our lives, that is what they will reflect back to us in their actions and attitudes.
Which do you want in your experience?
I wasn't surprised in the least and told her so. But, she cried--what about all this balancing life and work stuff? Doesn't that mean that I'm out of balance?
I realized later that this is the dilemma of highly productive, very involved women. You rarely hear a man talk about this. It is a given, especially for those over 45 or so, that men work. They focus on work. They are rewarded and praised for working.
Women may be more likely to be criticized for the same thing. "What about your other responsibilities?" they are asked. "What about your children? Does your husband mind that you work so much?"
This has changed in some ways, as more women are divorced and keep working, it becomes acceptable for them to be driven and focused--they have to support themselves. But married women are not given the same leeway. They are constantly scrutinized and judged for their behavior. After all, they aren't the primary earners.... Or are they? We've seen surveys over the past few years documenting the change in earning power of women. Sometimes they are making more money.
Whether they are bigger earners or not, the question still needs to be considered: Is it acceptable for married women to be career driven? Do they deserve to be put in a different category?
And women who aren't married but still have children at home--aren't they subject to more pressure when trying to juggle family and work? Especially since many of these women don't have a great deal of support from the childrens' fathers?
I'm not trying to say that this only applies to women. I know there are some men who are raising children on their own, and facing similar issues. And I'm not taking a "super feminist" stand here. I'm just talking about what I see out there in the world.
So, what did I say to my client?
I told her that the amount of time she spends with her husband and children isn't nearly as important as the quality of time she gives them. In actuality, they are just as busy with their lives as she is, and she may be making more of a story about this than necessary because she feels guilty--especially because of the points I made above.
The odds are that if she tried to get more of their time, they would not be available! We often forget that people are manifesting their own lives, not in reaction to us, but based on their own values. The point is to link the quality time she does spend with them to nourishing herself and creating a solid home base so she is more free to go out and work.
I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our loved ones, both family and friends, is be the most fulfilled, authentic, creative, vibrant, alive and dynamic people we can possibly be. That does require some "down time"--setting up some sort of system for rejuvenation from the stress of working. We all need that, whether we know it or not.
Instead of feeling guilty about what we're not doing, I suggest we take stock of all the beneficial things we do to take care of ourselves. Then, from a more open-minded perspective, we can find more ways to enhance our sense of balance. Letting our family and friends know how much they mean to us, how important they are to us helps a lot.
And we can always find a bit of time to spend with people, especially if we recognize the value they bring to our lives. If we approach them from a place of gratitude and appreciation for the parts they play in our overall well-being, they will be much more likely to look forward to seeing us and be much less demanding, and they will have fewer expectations of us. A small amount of fulfilling, quality time with them is probably all they really want from us!
When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we will see our loved ones mirror them back to us. If we have a more objective, self-appreciating view of ourselves and how we are living our lives, that is what they will reflect back to us in their actions and attitudes.
Which do you want in your experience?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
