Sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of feelings. One day I wake up panicked about the future, another day I feel calm and present. I realize that I have entered a New Frontier of my life, and lacking a clear road map, I find I must trust that these waves of emotion are part of the journey.
My friend Lida reminded me the other day that it hasn't even been a year since I discovered that my financial situation was not what it had seemed. I look back and remember days when I didn't think I could breathe, but here I am, over eight months later still breathing, feeling stronger, working my plan to regain the stability that seemed to have been lost.
I had serious ankle surgery in November 2004 and I remember the first time I was able to walk in regular shoes and go shopping for a bit at the local mall. This was probably in March or April, four or five months after the surgery. I tried to wear a pair of sandals and after thirty minutes, I realized I could barely walk in them. My feet just weren't ready! I had to limp back home and put on something very sensible and sturdy, and I also gave up the idea of doing any shopping for another few months.
Looking back, I realize it took me a full year before I could walk easily on my refurbished ankle. It took time. And, I ended up giving away a lot of the shoes I used to wear because they just didn't work anymore. When you go in for that kind of procedure, no one tells you that along with the repair, your life is going to change!
So why would I be surprised that I still feel the effects of what I now see as post traumatic stress over my discovery last June? An emotional trauma is just as life altering as a physical one, no?
Time is our great ally in recovery. I keep being reminded of old adages: you can't push the river; all good things in good time; time heals all wounds (and time wounds all heels......). They are a bit trite but true nonetheless.
A friend who spends a lot of time with her grandson watching Finding Nemo reminded me of what Dory the clown fish said over and over: keep swimming--keep swimming! That's a great thing to do as we live through the time it takes to recover from disaster.
And, I also know that as I'm swimming, I experience a whole range of feelings: I'm scared I won't make it! The new waters I'm navigating feel alien! I keep having to reach out for help.
As I've said many times before in this space, the more I allow myself to feel my fears, the more I share how I feel with my friends and family, the more vulnerable and open I become, the more I can feel myself, and the closer I feel to them. The curious paradox, the mystery of relationships, there it is--right in front of me. And I'm discovering, daily, the ways I steeled myself to NOT feel, to hide my vulnerability, thinking it would somehow serve me to be the strong one, the one who could handle things.
Instead, it kept me from feeling the fullness of myself, and to be able to fully love and be loved.
Being open and vulnerable creates a space for my friends to reach in and comfort me. So it isn't they who need time--it is I who need time to get comfortable being that transparent, that honest, that willing to let them see me. And today, one of them reminded me of another adage, not so trite or well-known:
Our goal isn't to try to get out of the rain. Our goal is to learn to dance in the rain.
So it took me eight months to be able to take in that idea, really hear it and appreciate it. What are eight months in a full, rich and rewarding life of a woman in her sixties? What are eight months of riding an emotional roller coaster? Too long? What is time really to a Life Entrepreneur but a way to mark progress?
I like thinking about letting my heart dance through this rain--and I'm looking forward to seeing how I feel next week!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Get Out of Their Own Way
I went to a party last night and as I was looking around the room, noticing all sorts of things about the people there, that ever present humanness crept up and I found myself comparing my life to what seemed to me to be their lives. I say seemed to be because I didn't know many of them and had no idea what was actual about them, only what I could make up by first impressions.
First of all, I think I was the only single person in the sea of sixty or so in attendance. Not that unusual, since I go all sorts of places on my own, but it was particularly striking to me because this is Valentine's Day weekend and at times like this (holidays especially) I feel more acutely aware of my relationship status. So I thought about who I would be if I had stayed married some twenty years ago, and reassured myself that I wouldn't be who I am today if that were the case.
That set off a sort of internal contemplation that continued through this morning, and I woke up thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in comparison games, wishing games, yearning for some state of being that doesn't seem present in our lives. I called my friend Lida and admitted to her that I felt like a fraud--I have taught people for years about that subject. I truly know that there is nothing missing in life, we just haven't taken the time to find the form it exists in--and we are blind to that form because the story of lack seems more true at that moment.
And it occurred to me that playing the comparison game is one way we get in our own way--we block the energy flow of being present and put so much emphasis on what we think we don't have, that it sort of dams up the free flowing movement which carries within it the possibility of expressing the form we would love to experience. Not having it in a specific form doesn't mean we don't have it (that quality of life we yearn for)--but if we can't see it, we don't have the opportunity to appreciate it.
An example might help.....
If I feel I lack wealth in my life, it may be showing up in my bank account--the "proof" that I am lacking. But if I start looking around, I can find other forms of wealth--family and friends, opportunities for growth, the ability to do what I love to do, my ability to think and understand. Those are some ways I can actually feel wealth. And by recognizing those ways, it takes apart the dam and opens the flow to creating money in my bank account.
As someone who has grappled with a financial challenge over the last year, I see how I have been given the opportunity to keep looking for how I am in my own way, with fear, self-doubt, comparing myself to others, finding myself listing all my frailties and shortcomings and forgetting the valuable things about myself and my life, just as it is. If I keep that up, I'll shrink my bank account even further!
When I start appreciating all the small pleasures in my life, I start expanding my sense of wealth. Today I had lunch with my grandson to celebrate his first birthday. And I realized that he is my eternal Valentine--born on Valentine's Day to remind me that love takes many forms, and one of them is the unconditional love I feel for my sweet Ethan. Just looking at him gives me a sense of wealth beyond measure.
My father used to say, "our children are our investments and our grandchildren are the dividends." How true! When Ethan smiles at me, he doesn't know I'm single, he doesn't care how much money I have in the bank, he isn't even interested in my appearance. He feels my presence and responds to it. He feels my energy, the love I have for him, and he thrives in it. Are there greater riches than that?
The fact that I know this, that I can stem the tide of self-doubt and self-deprecation means I have some tools to use to stay on my path--carving out my life and continuing to grow in awareness and gratitude. The Life Entrepreneur in me won't settle for anything less.
First of all, I think I was the only single person in the sea of sixty or so in attendance. Not that unusual, since I go all sorts of places on my own, but it was particularly striking to me because this is Valentine's Day weekend and at times like this (holidays especially) I feel more acutely aware of my relationship status. So I thought about who I would be if I had stayed married some twenty years ago, and reassured myself that I wouldn't be who I am today if that were the case.
That set off a sort of internal contemplation that continued through this morning, and I woke up thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in comparison games, wishing games, yearning for some state of being that doesn't seem present in our lives. I called my friend Lida and admitted to her that I felt like a fraud--I have taught people for years about that subject. I truly know that there is nothing missing in life, we just haven't taken the time to find the form it exists in--and we are blind to that form because the story of lack seems more true at that moment.
And it occurred to me that playing the comparison game is one way we get in our own way--we block the energy flow of being present and put so much emphasis on what we think we don't have, that it sort of dams up the free flowing movement which carries within it the possibility of expressing the form we would love to experience. Not having it in a specific form doesn't mean we don't have it (that quality of life we yearn for)--but if we can't see it, we don't have the opportunity to appreciate it.
An example might help.....
If I feel I lack wealth in my life, it may be showing up in my bank account--the "proof" that I am lacking. But if I start looking around, I can find other forms of wealth--family and friends, opportunities for growth, the ability to do what I love to do, my ability to think and understand. Those are some ways I can actually feel wealth. And by recognizing those ways, it takes apart the dam and opens the flow to creating money in my bank account.
As someone who has grappled with a financial challenge over the last year, I see how I have been given the opportunity to keep looking for how I am in my own way, with fear, self-doubt, comparing myself to others, finding myself listing all my frailties and shortcomings and forgetting the valuable things about myself and my life, just as it is. If I keep that up, I'll shrink my bank account even further!
When I start appreciating all the small pleasures in my life, I start expanding my sense of wealth. Today I had lunch with my grandson to celebrate his first birthday. And I realized that he is my eternal Valentine--born on Valentine's Day to remind me that love takes many forms, and one of them is the unconditional love I feel for my sweet Ethan. Just looking at him gives me a sense of wealth beyond measure.
My father used to say, "our children are our investments and our grandchildren are the dividends." How true! When Ethan smiles at me, he doesn't know I'm single, he doesn't care how much money I have in the bank, he isn't even interested in my appearance. He feels my presence and responds to it. He feels my energy, the love I have for him, and he thrives in it. Are there greater riches than that?
The fact that I know this, that I can stem the tide of self-doubt and self-deprecation means I have some tools to use to stay on my path--carving out my life and continuing to grow in awareness and gratitude. The Life Entrepreneur in me won't settle for anything less.
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