Life Entrepreneurs Are True to Themselves

We have certain moments in our lives that are pivotal, that matter more than anything else at that particular moment. Those are the moments that define us, inform our lives and change the way we relate to others.

This morning I was talking with Lida and we realized that this past month we have both had those kinds of moments. Hers is about her health. Mine is about relationships. They have equal importance because it is what is up for us right now.

In this series of blogs about being a Life Entrepreneur, I have been sharing my inner thoughts about my life and what I see around me. I keep talking about listening to the inner voice each of us has--paying attention to it above all else. John Demartini says when the voice on the inside is stronger than the voices on the outside, that is true integrity. I have dedicated myself to living my life from the inside out for as long as I can remember, however, that doesn't mean I have achieved it. It is my life journey, my greatest challenge. Each morning I wake up and recite my life purpose: I believe we are here to learn to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold. To me, that expresses this life journey.

So today, Lida was working on how to face something about her health that was really about taking care of herself--upping the ante on valuing herself. Over the last two weeks, I have been re-setting myself in terms of relationships--upping the ante on valuing myself. I love that we seem to parallel each other--and have been doing so for 35 years!

We don't try to tell each other what to do. We mainly listen to each other and share what we are feeling. I find it enormously helpful, as does she. One of the best things about having a true Best Friend for 35 years is that I absolutely know that she is ever-present, won't walk away from me no matter what I say or do. And she can count on the same from me. So when we have to deal with other people in our lives, knowing that we have each other gives us courage to stand up for ourselves, tell the truth, make the hard decisions and keep moving forward. We have each other's backs.

I ended a relationship two weeks ago. When it started, I had such high hopes for it. I thought I had met someone I could really be myself with. But it didn't work out. The worst part of it is that after five or so weeks into it, I stopped being all of myself and I started doing really crazy things. At first, I tried to talk with him about it--share how I felt, keep the communication going. His response to that was to deflect--to tell me the things I was feeling were off base, that I was wrong.

After going through the last year of hell learning to live with making the worst financial decisions of my entire life and slowly growing back into someone who could trust her body, trust her inner voice, that response didn't work for me. I tried to tell him that I had to listen to my body, that I couldn't go against my inner voice. From that moment on, we became people I didn't like anymore. He was distant, I was frustrated, he was dishonest and so was I. I did things I wouldn't want to do again, became sneaky about trying to prove what my inner voice was telling me. I did find proof, I did validate my feelings, but I didn't find a way to tell him how much I really knew. I don't think he ever found a way to face up to what he had actually done--not in being dishonest, but in having discounted my feelings and efforts to stay connected.

After the situation became untenable, I walked away. Yes, I have a history of walking away from relationships, and I get accused, from time to time, of being someone who can't or won't commit to truly being in a relationship. I don't believe that is true. I am deeply committed to myriad relationships.  Commitment is not my problem.  Being in something that isn't a fit for me is where I have a problem.

Perhaps it is because I have had to face myself and take responsibility for the direction my life has taken, but I am just not willing to stay in situations that don't work.  It may make me seem cold or unfeeling, but I would rather have the whole world against me than go against my own soul.

I've started seeing someone else and although it is too soon to tell where it is going, I feel open, honest and authentic because we both seem to have reached a point where telling the truth feels right.  We ask each other a lot of questions, and we answer honestly.  Feels good.  I feel authentic, and my body tells me it is true.  What is most important to me in all of this is that I feel more connected to myself and haven't had to edit what I say and haven't been told that what I feel is wrong.

What I'm really saying is that my relationship with myself seems to be flourishing.  Knowing I haven't left myself behind, ignored my intuition, denigrated my feelings, or discounted my inner voice is letting me actually sleep through the night--as anyone who is over sixty will tell you is a blessing in itself! 

I still have the possibility of ending up alone, but I prefer to see it as all-one with myself.  And if I am with me, then being true to myself is worth it.

Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive

Last night I was reminded of one of my favorite phrases:  It's not the decision you make it's what you put behind the decision that counts.  When I said it, a friend commented, "I wish someone had told me that a long time ago!"

Sometimes I am accused of being "too decisive," which really means the choice I made isn't what that person wanted me to choose.  How important is it that our decisions are compatible with those around us?

If I were living with someone, involved in a committed relationship or had daily interaction as a family member, it would be important to include others in my decision making process.  One of the great benefits of living alone is that we don't have to talk about those things with anyone else.  Want a new chair?  If you can afford it, you can buy it!  Want to save money?  Want to spend money?  It is your decision.

Our decisions do affect others, though, so it makes sense to consider them even if they don't have "deciding rights."  In dating, for example, to decide to stop seeing someone may be a unilateral decision that all parties don't agree with.  But if one doesn't, it really wouldn't make sense to keep dating just so the other person would feel better, would it?

And when you're first dating someone, it is sort of challenging to figure out how much joint decision making to engage in.  Do you look at your calendars and plan times to see each other?  Sort of takes away the spontaneity.  But then you might make plans that conflict with the other person, so some conversation helps.  All this is really interesting to deal with as a dating person in my sixties.  Most of my friends, who are married or in couple relationships, don't even think about this stuff!

Other decisions are challenging to make when you're by yourself.  I can remember when I was married I really enjoyed having a sounding board for all kinds of choices I made.  Since I've been single for twenty years, I find that I have different friends I go to for different topics--which makes it really great since when I only relied on my husband as a sounding board, we often went in a direction that didn't particularly work, because we didn't always have enough information to make a wise decision.

It sounds like I'm touting the benefits of being single, but I'm really not.  I would love to have a true companion that can be a great sounding board, yet still offer me the challenge and support I need to grow.  But this time around, I wouldn't even consider giving up my friends as sounding boards also--because they are too much a part of my life.

And, the information and advice I get from my friends helps me put my energy behind my decisions, which is the most important part! The thing about really going with a decision and not doing a lot of second guessing is that it gives me a way to fully experience my choice. I can always choose something else if it doesn't work out. But if I don't decide something in the first place, and fully act it out, then I'm just sitting in limbo, which doesn't work for me.

Which takes me back to the title of this piece, Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive. If we weren’t we wouldn’t be carving out our lives, we’d be waiting for something to happen. I remember something I got from one of my coaching trainers:

“Some people wait for things to happen; some people watch things happening; some people make things happen.”

I believe that Life Entrepreneurs make things happen. However, from this perspective of having lived a bit more of life than when I first saw those words 17 years ago, I now see a benefit in also waiting for things to happen and watching things happen. As a Life Entrepreneur, I have gained an appreciation for BEING here, not just being the activator—which means a lot happens around me that I don’t need or want to control.

I had to come to a decision about that. I had to decide that I was ready to stop trying so hard in life and allow it to also happen. In the beginning, that felt very risky, but now that I’m more used to it, I’m really glad I put a lot of energy behind that decision. It certainly makes my life more interesting!

Life Entrepreneurs Ask Questions About Life and Death

Today I learned that Hollis Burns, a guy I knew in high school who was sixty-three years old died yesterday.  He had apparently played golf Sunday afternoon and gone home, and was found sitting in a chair holding a newspaper.  This guy looked healthy the last time I saw him.  He was only a year older than I. 

It made me think about how little control we actually have over our lives.  We think we control things, we think we make things happen.  But do we really?

How much of what we experience is beyond our influence?  Did Hollis have a fear of death?  Was he secretly worried about things?  Did he take care of his health?  I don't know, because I hadn't spoken with him in a few years.  I saw him at the funeral of another high school friend a couple of months ago, but we didn't speak.  I didn't actually know him well.  He was a year ahead of me in school, a big football player type, and I was in one of my shy periods, so only noticed him from afar.

I spend a lot of energy caring about exercise and eating things that are really good for me.  I do my morning meditations, I pay attention to my thoughts, I monitor and attempt to live my life strategically.  But does that give me an edge?  Could I be found in a chair holding a newspaper one day--sooner than later?

I have no idea, but it is possible.  I've written a lot about the financial crisis I experienced last year, and I still wonder at myself that I didn't see it coming.  But could I have?  Would I be happier with myself if I had figured it all out and prevented it from happening? 

Can we forestall our death?  Or a financial crisis?  Can we cover enough bases to keep life from teaching us hard lessons?  I don't think so.  I think these lessons, these crises serve us, make us stronger, exercise our "life muscles" so that we can keep going.  But even when we do keep going, can that prevent what would seem, as in this case, a premature death?

This takes me back to an overused but still valuable adage:  Live life each day to the fullest because we have no control over what will happen tomorrow. 

I've been practicing that consciously for many years--especially since I was asked the question, What would you do if you only had twenty-four hours left to live? 

What would you do?  Would you try to make sure others did what you wanted?  Would you do some fun thing you had always wanted to do?  Would you gather the people you love around you and make sure they knew they were loved and appreciated?

Would you be angry?  Would you be grateful for the life you've had?  Would you try to patch up conflicts?  Would you make sure your estate went to the people you wanted to benefit from it?  Would you be able to find a way to say things you hadn't been able to say before?

Would the veil of defensiveness drop away and would you be able to speak the complete truth as you knew it?  Even then knowing that it would still only be your version of the truth?

Is it possible to live our lives like that before we reach the last twenty-four hours?  Could we find a way to be that true to ourselves in the here and now?

Is that what being a Life Entrepreneur leads us to?  Living authentically?  Living from the best version of the truth as we know it?

Perhaps writing this is a way to honor the life of Hollis Burns.  To take his untimely passing as an impetus to ask ourselves more questions, seek some way to understand how and why life works the way it does.  I am feeling a bit sad that I didn't have another conversation with him.  I don't know that it would have meant anything to him, but at least I would have felt I knew something more about him.

How many people do we cross paths with and not really know?  And then they are gone.

Life Entrepreneurs Face the Worst and Keep Going

When I first started writing this, it was about dealing with disappointment and moving through it. Today, I had to erase what I originally wrote because of a tragedy in the life of Karen, one of my dearest friends.

This morning her five year old grandson, Matthew, died from complications of a bone marrow transplant. His little brother, Andrew, died from the same thing last August.

Both children had a genetically transmitted blood disease, very rare--only a few children in the world (as far as I know under twenty) had manifested this particular strain. They were being treated by specialists in Cincinnati who did everything humanly possible to save their lives. Sadly, that didn't happen.

I had the honor of getting to know Matthew when he spent time with his grandmother here in Dallas. He was the liveliest, brightest, most active little boy I had been around in years. He had millions of questions, almost never stopped moving--was full of life. To know what he went through after the bone marrow transplant, which reduced him to an invalid, seems like more than a tragedy. But what was to be done? He had a disease and treatment seemed to be the only option.

I know his darling parents will take each day at a time and try to find some sanity over the next few months after spending the better part of the last three years in hospitals trying to save their children. What they did, and how strong they are, and what it took for them to keep getting up and taking care of those little boys each day was truly monumental.

Just knowing people like that feels sacred. I last saw Justin, Matthew's dad, at a party for his mom's birthday. He flew into town for the day, and was warm and friendly and strong, while his wife was back home in the hospital with their son. I marveled then at his courage and ability to keep going.

So this is really about strength and human potential. We all have it. Angeles Arrien, author of one of my favorite books, The Four-Fold Way, has an anonymous quote in that book which says, "People are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."

Justin and Kristin just spent the last few years in the hottest water imaginable and they are strong. My friend Karen, their mother, is strong. The whole family has grown and struggled together to face this. As friends, all we can really do is stand beside them, let them know we love them, and be available to help in any way we can.

Their pain will subside at some point. They will find a way to move forward, as human beings do. Sharing this story is one way I can think of to honor them and their courage. I will never forget Matthew. I have a moment with him etched into my heart:

A few of us stopped by to spend time with Karen and Matthew, who at that point was not visibly ill at all, and I had a chance to sit with him on the sofa and look at an information sheet about Tonka Trucks. He knew the name of almost every one, and we spent a lot of time talking about them and which ones were his favorites. My own beloved grandson, Ethan, wasn’t even conceived at that point, so I took that moment to fully enjoy a grandmother experience, not knowing if I would ever have one of my own. I just kept marveling at his smiling face, his big blue eyes, his boundless energy and his insatiable quest to learn. He was a walking, talking angel.

That is the way I will always remember him, and I have no doubt that he lives on in whatever way life continues after this earth experience and that he and his little brother Andrew would want us to think of them and feel the love of life they both expressed while they lived their short times here with us. For that I thank them, and thank Karen, Justin and Kristin for sharing their lives and their struggle with the rest of us who have grown and learned from being on the sidelines of this incredible journey they have taken. The sadness is real, but so is the love.