It has almost been two weeks since I left Dallas on a journey of self-love. I packed up my car and drove to New Mexico to see friends in Santa Fe and followed up that delightful visit by heading to Colorado and seeing different sets of friends--staying at their homes and mixing in their lives for a few days at a time. I call it a journey of self-love because I keep clearing away the clutter in my mind and when I look out I see these wonderful people reflecting love back to me.
I spent time in Eagle with some amazing and delightful children, and now am on my way to see my grandson. Children are so inspiring because they are always in the present. And that is pretty much what this journey has been about for me. Loving simply being with people, looking out at the incredible vistas from my car as I drive, just sitting and looking at a beautiful tree in the distance.
I have (gratefully) been welcomed with open arms at each stopping point. My friends and I have shared moments that are unforgettable for me. As I have been writing about money and the challenges of recovering from what seemed to be financial disaster last year, I can truly say that I have an even greater sense of my wealth as I travel around.
First of all, just being able to drive through the incredible beauty of Texas, New Mexico and Colorado gives me a sense that I am the wealthiest woman on the planet. On one little jaunt between Frisco and Boulder I missed a turn and ended up going across a mountain pass that took me above the timber line and around amazing hairpin turns--I was in suspension between terror and exhilaration as I drove the narrow pass with no guardrail on the drop down side.... It was so beautiful, I was almost overwhelmed. And so glad I missed the turn so I could do it!
That was the same day I spent a morning working on some old beliefs that I had about myself with my friend Jolina in Frisco--she sort of cornered me before I left, challenging me to work on something she had heard me say that didn't ring true. We had spent the last three days working on her stuff--I love to do that, and couldn't have asked for a better setting for our work. When she challenged me, I felt so young and vulnerable, and grateful at the same time for having someone there to care enough about me to help me see something that I was blind to. Such a paradox that we can have amazing insights about others and remain blind to our own internal stumbling blocks.
She helped me see that I was harboring the secret fear that I had made bad choices--especially in relationships--for my whole life. I just hadn't been able to uncover that fear by myself. It was buried too deep and when I finally broke through it, I realized that I had been afraid that if I had made such poor choices up to this point, that I could never break that cycle.
She suggested that each choice was exactly right and that it wasn't even possible for me to make a wrong choice--that each situation, each relationship had led me to keep going, traveling through my life as an independent, self-determined woman. And I love the life I've lived! So how could I have been at the same time so afraid that I had screwed it up?
I think it is the human condition to not be able to see those hidden fears, what we bury inside to avoid looking at. My take on it is that the fears actually drive us to keep striving, learning and growing--and they will stay hidden until we don't need them to push us anymore and we are ready to create another strategy for growth.
I don't need to be afraid about what choices I make because I am clear that all choices lead to grace. So letting go of the old stragegy is easy, now that I see it. And the self-love part is that I manifested the exact right person in the exact right moment to help me uncover the fear, work through it and move on. I feel lighter, freer and definitely more open to new experiences.
And that same day I met a new friend who reminded me that the more open I am, the more possibilities there are for expressing the love I feel for myself and others. Letting go of an old fear has led me to new experiences--and the cosmic joke plays out again.
I am so grateful to Janni and Richard, to Krissy, Augie, Addie and Hans, to Christiane, to Jolina and Doug, to Joanie and Renny, to Laney and Mike, and to Craig for all showing up in their amazing glory to help me remember what self-love is really all about--appreciating the beautiful "other" human beings in front of us because they are our faithful mirrors, reflecting us back to ourselves. If I can have these people open their hearts, arms and homes to me, I must be doing something right!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Balance Life and Work
A client recently leaned over and almost whispered to me what she was concerned would be a shocking admission. She doesn't get nearly the "juice" from spending time with her family as she does from working!
I wasn't surprised in the least and told her so. But, she cried--what about all this balancing life and work stuff? Doesn't that mean that I'm out of balance?
I realized later that this is the dilemma of highly productive, very involved women. You rarely hear a man talk about this. It is a given, especially for those over 45 or so, that men work. They focus on work. They are rewarded and praised for working.
Women may be more likely to be criticized for the same thing. "What about your other responsibilities?" they are asked. "What about your children? Does your husband mind that you work so much?"
This has changed in some ways, as more women are divorced and keep working, it becomes acceptable for them to be driven and focused--they have to support themselves. But married women are not given the same leeway. They are constantly scrutinized and judged for their behavior. After all, they aren't the primary earners.... Or are they? We've seen surveys over the past few years documenting the change in earning power of women. Sometimes they are making more money.
Whether they are bigger earners or not, the question still needs to be considered: Is it acceptable for married women to be career driven? Do they deserve to be put in a different category?
And women who aren't married but still have children at home--aren't they subject to more pressure when trying to juggle family and work? Especially since many of these women don't have a great deal of support from the childrens' fathers?
I'm not trying to say that this only applies to women. I know there are some men who are raising children on their own, and facing similar issues. And I'm not taking a "super feminist" stand here. I'm just talking about what I see out there in the world.
So, what did I say to my client?
I told her that the amount of time she spends with her husband and children isn't nearly as important as the quality of time she gives them. In actuality, they are just as busy with their lives as she is, and she may be making more of a story about this than necessary because she feels guilty--especially because of the points I made above.
The odds are that if she tried to get more of their time, they would not be available! We often forget that people are manifesting their own lives, not in reaction to us, but based on their own values. The point is to link the quality time she does spend with them to nourishing herself and creating a solid home base so she is more free to go out and work.
I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our loved ones, both family and friends, is be the most fulfilled, authentic, creative, vibrant, alive and dynamic people we can possibly be. That does require some "down time"--setting up some sort of system for rejuvenation from the stress of working. We all need that, whether we know it or not.
Instead of feeling guilty about what we're not doing, I suggest we take stock of all the beneficial things we do to take care of ourselves. Then, from a more open-minded perspective, we can find more ways to enhance our sense of balance. Letting our family and friends know how much they mean to us, how important they are to us helps a lot.
And we can always find a bit of time to spend with people, especially if we recognize the value they bring to our lives. If we approach them from a place of gratitude and appreciation for the parts they play in our overall well-being, they will be much more likely to look forward to seeing us and be much less demanding, and they will have fewer expectations of us. A small amount of fulfilling, quality time with them is probably all they really want from us!
When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we will see our loved ones mirror them back to us. If we have a more objective, self-appreciating view of ourselves and how we are living our lives, that is what they will reflect back to us in their actions and attitudes.
Which do you want in your experience?
I wasn't surprised in the least and told her so. But, she cried--what about all this balancing life and work stuff? Doesn't that mean that I'm out of balance?
I realized later that this is the dilemma of highly productive, very involved women. You rarely hear a man talk about this. It is a given, especially for those over 45 or so, that men work. They focus on work. They are rewarded and praised for working.
Women may be more likely to be criticized for the same thing. "What about your other responsibilities?" they are asked. "What about your children? Does your husband mind that you work so much?"
This has changed in some ways, as more women are divorced and keep working, it becomes acceptable for them to be driven and focused--they have to support themselves. But married women are not given the same leeway. They are constantly scrutinized and judged for their behavior. After all, they aren't the primary earners.... Or are they? We've seen surveys over the past few years documenting the change in earning power of women. Sometimes they are making more money.
Whether they are bigger earners or not, the question still needs to be considered: Is it acceptable for married women to be career driven? Do they deserve to be put in a different category?
And women who aren't married but still have children at home--aren't they subject to more pressure when trying to juggle family and work? Especially since many of these women don't have a great deal of support from the childrens' fathers?
I'm not trying to say that this only applies to women. I know there are some men who are raising children on their own, and facing similar issues. And I'm not taking a "super feminist" stand here. I'm just talking about what I see out there in the world.
So, what did I say to my client?
I told her that the amount of time she spends with her husband and children isn't nearly as important as the quality of time she gives them. In actuality, they are just as busy with their lives as she is, and she may be making more of a story about this than necessary because she feels guilty--especially because of the points I made above.
The odds are that if she tried to get more of their time, they would not be available! We often forget that people are manifesting their own lives, not in reaction to us, but based on their own values. The point is to link the quality time she does spend with them to nourishing herself and creating a solid home base so she is more free to go out and work.
I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our loved ones, both family and friends, is be the most fulfilled, authentic, creative, vibrant, alive and dynamic people we can possibly be. That does require some "down time"--setting up some sort of system for rejuvenation from the stress of working. We all need that, whether we know it or not.
Instead of feeling guilty about what we're not doing, I suggest we take stock of all the beneficial things we do to take care of ourselves. Then, from a more open-minded perspective, we can find more ways to enhance our sense of balance. Letting our family and friends know how much they mean to us, how important they are to us helps a lot.
And we can always find a bit of time to spend with people, especially if we recognize the value they bring to our lives. If we approach them from a place of gratitude and appreciation for the parts they play in our overall well-being, they will be much more likely to look forward to seeing us and be much less demanding, and they will have fewer expectations of us. A small amount of fulfilling, quality time with them is probably all they really want from us!
When we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, we will see our loved ones mirror them back to us. If we have a more objective, self-appreciating view of ourselves and how we are living our lives, that is what they will reflect back to us in their actions and attitudes.
Which do you want in your experience?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Ponder Relationships
I feel like I'm emerging from one of my caterpillar/larva/pupa/chrysalis/butterfly cycles. I've been diving so deep inside myself over the past several weeks that each time I've tried to sit down and write the words have come out stilted and seem unfamiliar in print.
I love these 'fertile void' periods. They have been a part of my process as long as I can remember, although I still have to resist the temptation to beat myself up for not writing, or being more productive in other ways. I know that whatever is working inside me will produce results if I am patient enough to wait for it.
Waiting is something I've been learning about during this time. Being able to wait requires patience, and patience requires being able to accept what is, as it is, right now, without letting ourselves be disturbed by wanting it to be different. A dear friend reminded me of that a few days ago, and I've been thinking a lot about it since then.
This year I tried dating again. I was serious about it, was willing to take the time to meet new guys, find out if we could build something together. I didn't have much success, in creating something long term, but I did get to know some great guys. They just weren't my guys.
So did I flunk relationships? I don't think so. I simply needed to remind myself of all the relationships I am already in, that are working quite well, that give me a deep sense of fulfillment in my life.
Another friend sent me a chapter from the book Goddesses in Everywoman: Powerful Archetypes in Women's Lives by Jean Shinoda Bolen that talks about the "Virgin Goddesses" -- Artemis, Hestia and Athena. Virgin in this sense doesn't mean anything about sexual experience, it means those who have not been "penetrated" by the demands of society or by the dominance of men in their lives. They are independent, live from within their souls and according to their own values, not by those dictated by others.
I can see that I have a lot of that energy going on inside of me--else why would I be able to walk away from situations, relationships, experiences that don't seem a fit for me so easily? I have secretly harbored a fear that I might be cold somehow, or unfeeling because I do that. But I know how deeply I feel things, and care about others. For me, it isn't about not caring. It is more about not being able to continue down a path, any path, that doesn't fit my higher purpose and/or my sense of my authentic self.
Yet I still grapple with the inner desire to partner up with someone.
Am I "destined" to live the rest of my life "un-partnered"? Am I too demanding to just let go and "be" with a man? Am I too much like the model I was given by my mother, who based her life around my father for 62 years, so that when I get into a relationship I unconsciously slip into an emotionally submissive role that quickly feels untenable so I have to get out of it quickly? Am I too strong? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I afraid of being too vulnerable?
One thing the past year has given me is an ability to surrender to vulnerability. I have a much clearer understanding about the order of things--and how little we can actually influence what goes on around us. I still say what I mean and explain things to people, but I have no illusions that they will change their lives because of anything I say or do. I see my role as a catalyst--then it is up to them to act on what they choose--and live the way that works for them.
So, I feel comfortable being around others being themselves. I am open to seeing what comes, not attached to making something happen. I feel free to live my life the way I choose. What does that lead to? I'm not sure, but I think this question of relationships is going to be with me for a while.
Interesting.
I love these 'fertile void' periods. They have been a part of my process as long as I can remember, although I still have to resist the temptation to beat myself up for not writing, or being more productive in other ways. I know that whatever is working inside me will produce results if I am patient enough to wait for it.
Waiting is something I've been learning about during this time. Being able to wait requires patience, and patience requires being able to accept what is, as it is, right now, without letting ourselves be disturbed by wanting it to be different. A dear friend reminded me of that a few days ago, and I've been thinking a lot about it since then.
This year I tried dating again. I was serious about it, was willing to take the time to meet new guys, find out if we could build something together. I didn't have much success, in creating something long term, but I did get to know some great guys. They just weren't my guys.
So did I flunk relationships? I don't think so. I simply needed to remind myself of all the relationships I am already in, that are working quite well, that give me a deep sense of fulfillment in my life.
Another friend sent me a chapter from the book Goddesses in Everywoman: Powerful Archetypes in Women's Lives by Jean Shinoda Bolen that talks about the "Virgin Goddesses" -- Artemis, Hestia and Athena. Virgin in this sense doesn't mean anything about sexual experience, it means those who have not been "penetrated" by the demands of society or by the dominance of men in their lives. They are independent, live from within their souls and according to their own values, not by those dictated by others.
I can see that I have a lot of that energy going on inside of me--else why would I be able to walk away from situations, relationships, experiences that don't seem a fit for me so easily? I have secretly harbored a fear that I might be cold somehow, or unfeeling because I do that. But I know how deeply I feel things, and care about others. For me, it isn't about not caring. It is more about not being able to continue down a path, any path, that doesn't fit my higher purpose and/or my sense of my authentic self.
Yet I still grapple with the inner desire to partner up with someone.
Am I "destined" to live the rest of my life "un-partnered"? Am I too demanding to just let go and "be" with a man? Am I too much like the model I was given by my mother, who based her life around my father for 62 years, so that when I get into a relationship I unconsciously slip into an emotionally submissive role that quickly feels untenable so I have to get out of it quickly? Am I too strong? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I afraid of being too vulnerable?
One thing the past year has given me is an ability to surrender to vulnerability. I have a much clearer understanding about the order of things--and how little we can actually influence what goes on around us. I still say what I mean and explain things to people, but I have no illusions that they will change their lives because of anything I say or do. I see my role as a catalyst--then it is up to them to act on what they choose--and live the way that works for them.
So, I feel comfortable being around others being themselves. I am open to seeing what comes, not attached to making something happen. I feel free to live my life the way I choose. What does that lead to? I'm not sure, but I think this question of relationships is going to be with me for a while.
Interesting.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Spend Money Wisely
I bought a new sofa on Monday. That may not sound like a really important fact to many people, but it was a BIG thing for me to do. Instead of spending money over the last year, I have saved every penny possible, and used the rest to pay down debt. Financial crisis will do that to you! And having a sense of impending doom--at almost sixty-three, I felt I had the spectre of major poverty ahead when I no longer had a cushion of money to use in my elder years.
Losing "everything" is never actually possible, but I did feel a great loss when I realized what had happened last year. For the first three months or so, I mostly had panic attacks. This morning I was sitting in a chair and noticed some papers next to me with notes I wrote last summer trying to get my bearings. They were about trying to feel I could have some modicum of control. My friend Beth had advised me to look at my life as if I were running a projector and could change the film thus change the picture of what I had before me. The film was essentially my own thoughts--which were the only things I had any possibility of controlling.
I spent days writing notes to myself, struggling to get a grip on myself. I felt hopeless, stupid, idiotic, foolish, incapable of handling the slightest stress. I cried and cried. Lida says one of the best things that happened from that period in my life is that I literally burned the shame out of myself.
We all grow up with a certain amount of shame--it is endemic to the human experience--but there were hidden stashes of shame inside me that I hadn't wanted to know about. They all rose to the surface and I had to look at everything. I had no choice. I was vulnerable and exposed--with nothing left to protect me.
As I slowly built back my sense of self, I realized that some of what I had valued in life had been more about my external identity than the essential things that were there all along: love of family and friends, opportunities to keep growing and learning, seeing wealth as the abundance of life and experiences that are always around us. I re-evaluated everything and found that my true wealth was ever present and had nothing to do with how much money I had in my accounts.
I did start doing the Forced Accelerated Savings Technique I learned from John Demartini (start with an amount of savings each month and increase it by 10% every three months, because you won't feel it and it will grow exponentially). I have saved a lot of money since last fall, and I keep saving and raising it as prescribed. The theory is that as we commit to that kind of self-discipline and love toward ourselves, it will also bring evidence of abundance from other sources. I have found that to be true. Other things in my life have increased in value since I re-started that process. [For more information, I recommend the book How to Get to Heaven and Still Make a Hell of a Profit by John F. Demartini.]
But most of the change in me is from my commitment to myself, what I value and, as I've written a lot about, listening to my inner voice and valuing myself. I remember a few months ago, sitting on the floor exercising and realizing that I had done so many things in my life to help others, and some of the motive behind that was so I would be important and have value to them. I realized that in some ways my identity depended on that recognition from others. The question that came to mind at that moment was this: when am I going to be that important to myself?
It set off a process of re-evaluation that I hope will continue for as long as I am on this planet. I've had to catch myself a few times agreeing to do something then realizing it wasn't really something that worked for me, so having to back out and not do it. That sort of goes against the idea of fulfilling all commitments, but it supports the idea of listening to my inner voice.
Back to the new sofa. When I called Lida the next morning to tell her about buying it, I heard myself say something monumental to her: I'm not afraid that I will run out of money anymore. I truly believe that I will figure things out as I go, and that I won't end up destitute and desperate. That is why I was able to take some of the money I got from my tax refund and buy the sofa. It doesn't mean I'm going on a spending spree, it just means that I am taking care of myself and allowing myself to do something I really want to do.
As for the year I have spent working toward this point, I can only say thank you--to the situation that put me into the panic, to the people who have helped me along the way, to my mother who has been a rock and constant reminder of how important it is to be grateful to be alive. To crawl back from what seemed to be complete devastation makes the pain and challenge of it worth while.
I am doing okay. I am continuing to save money, I am being careful how I spend money, I am actually enjoying doing laundry and taking care of many of the things I used to delegate. Maybe even when or if I could afford to delegate those things again, I would just keep doing them anyway. I like taking care of myself and my home. I keep being reminded of what Thomas Moore said in Care of the Soul: carrying water and chopping wood--doing menial tasks around his home was a fulfilling, rewarding occupation, kept him grounded and present and grateful for everyday life.
And that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm grateful for my everyday life. And I'm really grateful that I get to have a new sofa!
Losing "everything" is never actually possible, but I did feel a great loss when I realized what had happened last year. For the first three months or so, I mostly had panic attacks. This morning I was sitting in a chair and noticed some papers next to me with notes I wrote last summer trying to get my bearings. They were about trying to feel I could have some modicum of control. My friend Beth had advised me to look at my life as if I were running a projector and could change the film thus change the picture of what I had before me. The film was essentially my own thoughts--which were the only things I had any possibility of controlling.
I spent days writing notes to myself, struggling to get a grip on myself. I felt hopeless, stupid, idiotic, foolish, incapable of handling the slightest stress. I cried and cried. Lida says one of the best things that happened from that period in my life is that I literally burned the shame out of myself.
We all grow up with a certain amount of shame--it is endemic to the human experience--but there were hidden stashes of shame inside me that I hadn't wanted to know about. They all rose to the surface and I had to look at everything. I had no choice. I was vulnerable and exposed--with nothing left to protect me.
As I slowly built back my sense of self, I realized that some of what I had valued in life had been more about my external identity than the essential things that were there all along: love of family and friends, opportunities to keep growing and learning, seeing wealth as the abundance of life and experiences that are always around us. I re-evaluated everything and found that my true wealth was ever present and had nothing to do with how much money I had in my accounts.
I did start doing the Forced Accelerated Savings Technique I learned from John Demartini (start with an amount of savings each month and increase it by 10% every three months, because you won't feel it and it will grow exponentially). I have saved a lot of money since last fall, and I keep saving and raising it as prescribed. The theory is that as we commit to that kind of self-discipline and love toward ourselves, it will also bring evidence of abundance from other sources. I have found that to be true. Other things in my life have increased in value since I re-started that process. [For more information, I recommend the book How to Get to Heaven and Still Make a Hell of a Profit by John F. Demartini.]
But most of the change in me is from my commitment to myself, what I value and, as I've written a lot about, listening to my inner voice and valuing myself. I remember a few months ago, sitting on the floor exercising and realizing that I had done so many things in my life to help others, and some of the motive behind that was so I would be important and have value to them. I realized that in some ways my identity depended on that recognition from others. The question that came to mind at that moment was this: when am I going to be that important to myself?
It set off a process of re-evaluation that I hope will continue for as long as I am on this planet. I've had to catch myself a few times agreeing to do something then realizing it wasn't really something that worked for me, so having to back out and not do it. That sort of goes against the idea of fulfilling all commitments, but it supports the idea of listening to my inner voice.
Back to the new sofa. When I called Lida the next morning to tell her about buying it, I heard myself say something monumental to her: I'm not afraid that I will run out of money anymore. I truly believe that I will figure things out as I go, and that I won't end up destitute and desperate. That is why I was able to take some of the money I got from my tax refund and buy the sofa. It doesn't mean I'm going on a spending spree, it just means that I am taking care of myself and allowing myself to do something I really want to do.
As for the year I have spent working toward this point, I can only say thank you--to the situation that put me into the panic, to the people who have helped me along the way, to my mother who has been a rock and constant reminder of how important it is to be grateful to be alive. To crawl back from what seemed to be complete devastation makes the pain and challenge of it worth while.
I am doing okay. I am continuing to save money, I am being careful how I spend money, I am actually enjoying doing laundry and taking care of many of the things I used to delegate. Maybe even when or if I could afford to delegate those things again, I would just keep doing them anyway. I like taking care of myself and my home. I keep being reminded of what Thomas Moore said in Care of the Soul: carrying water and chopping wood--doing menial tasks around his home was a fulfilling, rewarding occupation, kept him grounded and present and grateful for everyday life.
And that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm grateful for my everyday life. And I'm really grateful that I get to have a new sofa!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Are True to Themselves
We have certain moments in our lives that are pivotal, that matter more than anything else at that particular moment. Those are the moments that define us, inform our lives and change the way we relate to others.
This morning I was talking with Lida and we realized that this past month we have both had those kinds of moments. Hers is about her health. Mine is about relationships. They have equal importance because it is what is up for us right now.
In this series of blogs about being a Life Entrepreneur, I have been sharing my inner thoughts about my life and what I see around me. I keep talking about listening to the inner voice each of us has--paying attention to it above all else. John Demartini says when the voice on the inside is stronger than the voices on the outside, that is true integrity. I have dedicated myself to living my life from the inside out for as long as I can remember, however, that doesn't mean I have achieved it. It is my life journey, my greatest challenge. Each morning I wake up and recite my life purpose: I believe we are here to learn to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold. To me, that expresses this life journey.
So today, Lida was working on how to face something about her health that was really about taking care of herself--upping the ante on valuing herself. Over the last two weeks, I have been re-setting myself in terms of relationships--upping the ante on valuing myself. I love that we seem to parallel each other--and have been doing so for 35 years!
We don't try to tell each other what to do. We mainly listen to each other and share what we are feeling. I find it enormously helpful, as does she. One of the best things about having a true Best Friend for 35 years is that I absolutely know that she is ever-present, won't walk away from me no matter what I say or do. And she can count on the same from me. So when we have to deal with other people in our lives, knowing that we have each other gives us courage to stand up for ourselves, tell the truth, make the hard decisions and keep moving forward. We have each other's backs.
I ended a relationship two weeks ago. When it started, I had such high hopes for it. I thought I had met someone I could really be myself with. But it didn't work out. The worst part of it is that after five or so weeks into it, I stopped being all of myself and I started doing really crazy things. At first, I tried to talk with him about it--share how I felt, keep the communication going. His response to that was to deflect--to tell me the things I was feeling were off base, that I was wrong.
After going through the last year of hell learning to live with making the worst financial decisions of my entire life and slowly growing back into someone who could trust her body, trust her inner voice, that response didn't work for me. I tried to tell him that I had to listen to my body, that I couldn't go against my inner voice. From that moment on, we became people I didn't like anymore. He was distant, I was frustrated, he was dishonest and so was I. I did things I wouldn't want to do again, became sneaky about trying to prove what my inner voice was telling me. I did find proof, I did validate my feelings, but I didn't find a way to tell him how much I really knew. I don't think he ever found a way to face up to what he had actually done--not in being dishonest, but in having discounted my feelings and efforts to stay connected.
After the situation became untenable, I walked away. Yes, I have a history of walking away from relationships, and I get accused, from time to time, of being someone who can't or won't commit to truly being in a relationship. I don't believe that is true. I am deeply committed to myriad relationships. Commitment is not my problem. Being in something that isn't a fit for me is where I have a problem.
Perhaps it is because I have had to face myself and take responsibility for the direction my life has taken, but I am just not willing to stay in situations that don't work. It may make me seem cold or unfeeling, but I would rather have the whole world against me than go against my own soul.
I've started seeing someone else and although it is too soon to tell where it is going, I feel open, honest and authentic because we both seem to have reached a point where telling the truth feels right. We ask each other a lot of questions, and we answer honestly. Feels good. I feel authentic, and my body tells me it is true. What is most important to me in all of this is that I feel more connected to myself and haven't had to edit what I say and haven't been told that what I feel is wrong.
What I'm really saying is that my relationship with myself seems to be flourishing. Knowing I haven't left myself behind, ignored my intuition, denigrated my feelings, or discounted my inner voice is letting me actually sleep through the night--as anyone who is over sixty will tell you is a blessing in itself!
I still have the possibility of ending up alone, but I prefer to see it as all-one with myself. And if I am with me, then being true to myself is worth it.
This morning I was talking with Lida and we realized that this past month we have both had those kinds of moments. Hers is about her health. Mine is about relationships. They have equal importance because it is what is up for us right now.
In this series of blogs about being a Life Entrepreneur, I have been sharing my inner thoughts about my life and what I see around me. I keep talking about listening to the inner voice each of us has--paying attention to it above all else. John Demartini says when the voice on the inside is stronger than the voices on the outside, that is true integrity. I have dedicated myself to living my life from the inside out for as long as I can remember, however, that doesn't mean I have achieved it. It is my life journey, my greatest challenge. Each morning I wake up and recite my life purpose: I believe we are here to learn to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold. To me, that expresses this life journey.
So today, Lida was working on how to face something about her health that was really about taking care of herself--upping the ante on valuing herself. Over the last two weeks, I have been re-setting myself in terms of relationships--upping the ante on valuing myself. I love that we seem to parallel each other--and have been doing so for 35 years!
We don't try to tell each other what to do. We mainly listen to each other and share what we are feeling. I find it enormously helpful, as does she. One of the best things about having a true Best Friend for 35 years is that I absolutely know that she is ever-present, won't walk away from me no matter what I say or do. And she can count on the same from me. So when we have to deal with other people in our lives, knowing that we have each other gives us courage to stand up for ourselves, tell the truth, make the hard decisions and keep moving forward. We have each other's backs.
I ended a relationship two weeks ago. When it started, I had such high hopes for it. I thought I had met someone I could really be myself with. But it didn't work out. The worst part of it is that after five or so weeks into it, I stopped being all of myself and I started doing really crazy things. At first, I tried to talk with him about it--share how I felt, keep the communication going. His response to that was to deflect--to tell me the things I was feeling were off base, that I was wrong.
After going through the last year of hell learning to live with making the worst financial decisions of my entire life and slowly growing back into someone who could trust her body, trust her inner voice, that response didn't work for me. I tried to tell him that I had to listen to my body, that I couldn't go against my inner voice. From that moment on, we became people I didn't like anymore. He was distant, I was frustrated, he was dishonest and so was I. I did things I wouldn't want to do again, became sneaky about trying to prove what my inner voice was telling me. I did find proof, I did validate my feelings, but I didn't find a way to tell him how much I really knew. I don't think he ever found a way to face up to what he had actually done--not in being dishonest, but in having discounted my feelings and efforts to stay connected.
After the situation became untenable, I walked away. Yes, I have a history of walking away from relationships, and I get accused, from time to time, of being someone who can't or won't commit to truly being in a relationship. I don't believe that is true. I am deeply committed to myriad relationships. Commitment is not my problem. Being in something that isn't a fit for me is where I have a problem.
Perhaps it is because I have had to face myself and take responsibility for the direction my life has taken, but I am just not willing to stay in situations that don't work. It may make me seem cold or unfeeling, but I would rather have the whole world against me than go against my own soul.
I've started seeing someone else and although it is too soon to tell where it is going, I feel open, honest and authentic because we both seem to have reached a point where telling the truth feels right. We ask each other a lot of questions, and we answer honestly. Feels good. I feel authentic, and my body tells me it is true. What is most important to me in all of this is that I feel more connected to myself and haven't had to edit what I say and haven't been told that what I feel is wrong.
What I'm really saying is that my relationship with myself seems to be flourishing. Knowing I haven't left myself behind, ignored my intuition, denigrated my feelings, or discounted my inner voice is letting me actually sleep through the night--as anyone who is over sixty will tell you is a blessing in itself!
I still have the possibility of ending up alone, but I prefer to see it as all-one with myself. And if I am with me, then being true to myself is worth it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive
Last night I was reminded of one of my favorite phrases: It's not the decision you make it's what you put behind the decision that counts. When I said it, a friend commented, "I wish someone had told me that a long time ago!"
Sometimes I am accused of being "too decisive," which really means the choice I made isn't what that person wanted me to choose. How important is it that our decisions are compatible with those around us?
If I were living with someone, involved in a committed relationship or had daily interaction as a family member, it would be important to include others in my decision making process. One of the great benefits of living alone is that we don't have to talk about those things with anyone else. Want a new chair? If you can afford it, you can buy it! Want to save money? Want to spend money? It is your decision.
Our decisions do affect others, though, so it makes sense to consider them even if they don't have "deciding rights." In dating, for example, to decide to stop seeing someone may be a unilateral decision that all parties don't agree with. But if one doesn't, it really wouldn't make sense to keep dating just so the other person would feel better, would it?
And when you're first dating someone, it is sort of challenging to figure out how much joint decision making to engage in. Do you look at your calendars and plan times to see each other? Sort of takes away the spontaneity. But then you might make plans that conflict with the other person, so some conversation helps. All this is really interesting to deal with as a dating person in my sixties. Most of my friends, who are married or in couple relationships, don't even think about this stuff!
Other decisions are challenging to make when you're by yourself. I can remember when I was married I really enjoyed having a sounding board for all kinds of choices I made. Since I've been single for twenty years, I find that I have different friends I go to for different topics--which makes it really great since when I only relied on my husband as a sounding board, we often went in a direction that didn't particularly work, because we didn't always have enough information to make a wise decision.
It sounds like I'm touting the benefits of being single, but I'm really not. I would love to have a true companion that can be a great sounding board, yet still offer me the challenge and support I need to grow. But this time around, I wouldn't even consider giving up my friends as sounding boards also--because they are too much a part of my life.
And, the information and advice I get from my friends helps me put my energy behind my decisions, which is the most important part! The thing about really going with a decision and not doing a lot of second guessing is that it gives me a way to fully experience my choice. I can always choose something else if it doesn't work out. But if I don't decide something in the first place, and fully act it out, then I'm just sitting in limbo, which doesn't work for me.
Which takes me back to the title of this piece, Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive. If we weren’t we wouldn’t be carving out our lives, we’d be waiting for something to happen. I remember something I got from one of my coaching trainers:
“Some people wait for things to happen; some people watch things happening; some people make things happen.”
I believe that Life Entrepreneurs make things happen. However, from this perspective of having lived a bit more of life than when I first saw those words 17 years ago, I now see a benefit in also waiting for things to happen and watching things happen. As a Life Entrepreneur, I have gained an appreciation for BEING here, not just being the activator—which means a lot happens around me that I don’t need or want to control.
I had to come to a decision about that. I had to decide that I was ready to stop trying so hard in life and allow it to also happen. In the beginning, that felt very risky, but now that I’m more used to it, I’m really glad I put a lot of energy behind that decision. It certainly makes my life more interesting!
Sometimes I am accused of being "too decisive," which really means the choice I made isn't what that person wanted me to choose. How important is it that our decisions are compatible with those around us?
If I were living with someone, involved in a committed relationship or had daily interaction as a family member, it would be important to include others in my decision making process. One of the great benefits of living alone is that we don't have to talk about those things with anyone else. Want a new chair? If you can afford it, you can buy it! Want to save money? Want to spend money? It is your decision.
Our decisions do affect others, though, so it makes sense to consider them even if they don't have "deciding rights." In dating, for example, to decide to stop seeing someone may be a unilateral decision that all parties don't agree with. But if one doesn't, it really wouldn't make sense to keep dating just so the other person would feel better, would it?
And when you're first dating someone, it is sort of challenging to figure out how much joint decision making to engage in. Do you look at your calendars and plan times to see each other? Sort of takes away the spontaneity. But then you might make plans that conflict with the other person, so some conversation helps. All this is really interesting to deal with as a dating person in my sixties. Most of my friends, who are married or in couple relationships, don't even think about this stuff!
Other decisions are challenging to make when you're by yourself. I can remember when I was married I really enjoyed having a sounding board for all kinds of choices I made. Since I've been single for twenty years, I find that I have different friends I go to for different topics--which makes it really great since when I only relied on my husband as a sounding board, we often went in a direction that didn't particularly work, because we didn't always have enough information to make a wise decision.
It sounds like I'm touting the benefits of being single, but I'm really not. I would love to have a true companion that can be a great sounding board, yet still offer me the challenge and support I need to grow. But this time around, I wouldn't even consider giving up my friends as sounding boards also--because they are too much a part of my life.
And, the information and advice I get from my friends helps me put my energy behind my decisions, which is the most important part! The thing about really going with a decision and not doing a lot of second guessing is that it gives me a way to fully experience my choice. I can always choose something else if it doesn't work out. But if I don't decide something in the first place, and fully act it out, then I'm just sitting in limbo, which doesn't work for me.
Which takes me back to the title of this piece, Life Entrepreneurs Are Decisive. If we weren’t we wouldn’t be carving out our lives, we’d be waiting for something to happen. I remember something I got from one of my coaching trainers:
“Some people wait for things to happen; some people watch things happening; some people make things happen.”
I believe that Life Entrepreneurs make things happen. However, from this perspective of having lived a bit more of life than when I first saw those words 17 years ago, I now see a benefit in also waiting for things to happen and watching things happen. As a Life Entrepreneur, I have gained an appreciation for BEING here, not just being the activator—which means a lot happens around me that I don’t need or want to control.
I had to come to a decision about that. I had to decide that I was ready to stop trying so hard in life and allow it to also happen. In the beginning, that felt very risky, but now that I’m more used to it, I’m really glad I put a lot of energy behind that decision. It certainly makes my life more interesting!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Ask Questions About Life and Death
Today I learned that Hollis Burns, a guy I knew in high school who was sixty-three years old died yesterday. He had apparently played golf Sunday afternoon and gone home, and was found sitting in a chair holding a newspaper. This guy looked healthy the last time I saw him. He was only a year older than I.
It made me think about how little control we actually have over our lives. We think we control things, we think we make things happen. But do we really?
How much of what we experience is beyond our influence? Did Hollis have a fear of death? Was he secretly worried about things? Did he take care of his health? I don't know, because I hadn't spoken with him in a few years. I saw him at the funeral of another high school friend a couple of months ago, but we didn't speak. I didn't actually know him well. He was a year ahead of me in school, a big football player type, and I was in one of my shy periods, so only noticed him from afar.
I spend a lot of energy caring about exercise and eating things that are really good for me. I do my morning meditations, I pay attention to my thoughts, I monitor and attempt to live my life strategically. But does that give me an edge? Could I be found in a chair holding a newspaper one day--sooner than later?
I have no idea, but it is possible. I've written a lot about the financial crisis I experienced last year, and I still wonder at myself that I didn't see it coming. But could I have? Would I be happier with myself if I had figured it all out and prevented it from happening?
Can we forestall our death? Or a financial crisis? Can we cover enough bases to keep life from teaching us hard lessons? I don't think so. I think these lessons, these crises serve us, make us stronger, exercise our "life muscles" so that we can keep going. But even when we do keep going, can that prevent what would seem, as in this case, a premature death?
This takes me back to an overused but still valuable adage: Live life each day to the fullest because we have no control over what will happen tomorrow.
I've been practicing that consciously for many years--especially since I was asked the question, What would you do if you only had twenty-four hours left to live?
What would you do? Would you try to make sure others did what you wanted? Would you do some fun thing you had always wanted to do? Would you gather the people you love around you and make sure they knew they were loved and appreciated?
Would you be angry? Would you be grateful for the life you've had? Would you try to patch up conflicts? Would you make sure your estate went to the people you wanted to benefit from it? Would you be able to find a way to say things you hadn't been able to say before?
Would the veil of defensiveness drop away and would you be able to speak the complete truth as you knew it? Even then knowing that it would still only be your version of the truth?
Is it possible to live our lives like that before we reach the last twenty-four hours? Could we find a way to be that true to ourselves in the here and now?
Is that what being a Life Entrepreneur leads us to? Living authentically? Living from the best version of the truth as we know it?
Perhaps writing this is a way to honor the life of Hollis Burns. To take his untimely passing as an impetus to ask ourselves more questions, seek some way to understand how and why life works the way it does. I am feeling a bit sad that I didn't have another conversation with him. I don't know that it would have meant anything to him, but at least I would have felt I knew something more about him.
How many people do we cross paths with and not really know? And then they are gone.
It made me think about how little control we actually have over our lives. We think we control things, we think we make things happen. But do we really?
How much of what we experience is beyond our influence? Did Hollis have a fear of death? Was he secretly worried about things? Did he take care of his health? I don't know, because I hadn't spoken with him in a few years. I saw him at the funeral of another high school friend a couple of months ago, but we didn't speak. I didn't actually know him well. He was a year ahead of me in school, a big football player type, and I was in one of my shy periods, so only noticed him from afar.
I spend a lot of energy caring about exercise and eating things that are really good for me. I do my morning meditations, I pay attention to my thoughts, I monitor and attempt to live my life strategically. But does that give me an edge? Could I be found in a chair holding a newspaper one day--sooner than later?
I have no idea, but it is possible. I've written a lot about the financial crisis I experienced last year, and I still wonder at myself that I didn't see it coming. But could I have? Would I be happier with myself if I had figured it all out and prevented it from happening?
Can we forestall our death? Or a financial crisis? Can we cover enough bases to keep life from teaching us hard lessons? I don't think so. I think these lessons, these crises serve us, make us stronger, exercise our "life muscles" so that we can keep going. But even when we do keep going, can that prevent what would seem, as in this case, a premature death?
This takes me back to an overused but still valuable adage: Live life each day to the fullest because we have no control over what will happen tomorrow.
I've been practicing that consciously for many years--especially since I was asked the question, What would you do if you only had twenty-four hours left to live?
What would you do? Would you try to make sure others did what you wanted? Would you do some fun thing you had always wanted to do? Would you gather the people you love around you and make sure they knew they were loved and appreciated?
Would you be angry? Would you be grateful for the life you've had? Would you try to patch up conflicts? Would you make sure your estate went to the people you wanted to benefit from it? Would you be able to find a way to say things you hadn't been able to say before?
Would the veil of defensiveness drop away and would you be able to speak the complete truth as you knew it? Even then knowing that it would still only be your version of the truth?
Is it possible to live our lives like that before we reach the last twenty-four hours? Could we find a way to be that true to ourselves in the here and now?
Is that what being a Life Entrepreneur leads us to? Living authentically? Living from the best version of the truth as we know it?
Perhaps writing this is a way to honor the life of Hollis Burns. To take his untimely passing as an impetus to ask ourselves more questions, seek some way to understand how and why life works the way it does. I am feeling a bit sad that I didn't have another conversation with him. I don't know that it would have meant anything to him, but at least I would have felt I knew something more about him.
How many people do we cross paths with and not really know? And then they are gone.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Face the Worst and Keep Going
When I first started writing this, it was about dealing with disappointment and moving through it. Today, I had to erase what I originally wrote because of a tragedy in the life of Karen, one of my dearest friends.
This morning her five year old grandson, Matthew, died from complications of a bone marrow transplant. His little brother, Andrew, died from the same thing last August.
Both children had a genetically transmitted blood disease, very rare--only a few children in the world (as far as I know under twenty) had manifested this particular strain. They were being treated by specialists in Cincinnati who did everything humanly possible to save their lives. Sadly, that didn't happen.
I had the honor of getting to know Matthew when he spent time with his grandmother here in Dallas. He was the liveliest, brightest, most active little boy I had been around in years. He had millions of questions, almost never stopped moving--was full of life. To know what he went through after the bone marrow transplant, which reduced him to an invalid, seems like more than a tragedy. But what was to be done? He had a disease and treatment seemed to be the only option.
I know his darling parents will take each day at a time and try to find some sanity over the next few months after spending the better part of the last three years in hospitals trying to save their children. What they did, and how strong they are, and what it took for them to keep getting up and taking care of those little boys each day was truly monumental.
Just knowing people like that feels sacred. I last saw Justin, Matthew's dad, at a party for his mom's birthday. He flew into town for the day, and was warm and friendly and strong, while his wife was back home in the hospital with their son. I marveled then at his courage and ability to keep going.
So this is really about strength and human potential. We all have it. Angeles Arrien, author of one of my favorite books, The Four-Fold Way, has an anonymous quote in that book which says, "People are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."
Justin and Kristin just spent the last few years in the hottest water imaginable and they are strong. My friend Karen, their mother, is strong. The whole family has grown and struggled together to face this. As friends, all we can really do is stand beside them, let them know we love them, and be available to help in any way we can.
Their pain will subside at some point. They will find a way to move forward, as human beings do. Sharing this story is one way I can think of to honor them and their courage. I will never forget Matthew. I have a moment with him etched into my heart:
A few of us stopped by to spend time with Karen and Matthew, who at that point was not visibly ill at all, and I had a chance to sit with him on the sofa and look at an information sheet about Tonka Trucks. He knew the name of almost every one, and we spent a lot of time talking about them and which ones were his favorites. My own beloved grandson, Ethan, wasn’t even conceived at that point, so I took that moment to fully enjoy a grandmother experience, not knowing if I would ever have one of my own. I just kept marveling at his smiling face, his big blue eyes, his boundless energy and his insatiable quest to learn. He was a walking, talking angel.
That is the way I will always remember him, and I have no doubt that he lives on in whatever way life continues after this earth experience and that he and his little brother Andrew would want us to think of them and feel the love of life they both expressed while they lived their short times here with us. For that I thank them, and thank Karen, Justin and Kristin for sharing their lives and their struggle with the rest of us who have grown and learned from being on the sidelines of this incredible journey they have taken. The sadness is real, but so is the love.
This morning her five year old grandson, Matthew, died from complications of a bone marrow transplant. His little brother, Andrew, died from the same thing last August.
Both children had a genetically transmitted blood disease, very rare--only a few children in the world (as far as I know under twenty) had manifested this particular strain. They were being treated by specialists in Cincinnati who did everything humanly possible to save their lives. Sadly, that didn't happen.
I had the honor of getting to know Matthew when he spent time with his grandmother here in Dallas. He was the liveliest, brightest, most active little boy I had been around in years. He had millions of questions, almost never stopped moving--was full of life. To know what he went through after the bone marrow transplant, which reduced him to an invalid, seems like more than a tragedy. But what was to be done? He had a disease and treatment seemed to be the only option.
I know his darling parents will take each day at a time and try to find some sanity over the next few months after spending the better part of the last three years in hospitals trying to save their children. What they did, and how strong they are, and what it took for them to keep getting up and taking care of those little boys each day was truly monumental.
Just knowing people like that feels sacred. I last saw Justin, Matthew's dad, at a party for his mom's birthday. He flew into town for the day, and was warm and friendly and strong, while his wife was back home in the hospital with their son. I marveled then at his courage and ability to keep going.
So this is really about strength and human potential. We all have it. Angeles Arrien, author of one of my favorite books, The Four-Fold Way, has an anonymous quote in that book which says, "People are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."
Justin and Kristin just spent the last few years in the hottest water imaginable and they are strong. My friend Karen, their mother, is strong. The whole family has grown and struggled together to face this. As friends, all we can really do is stand beside them, let them know we love them, and be available to help in any way we can.
Their pain will subside at some point. They will find a way to move forward, as human beings do. Sharing this story is one way I can think of to honor them and their courage. I will never forget Matthew. I have a moment with him etched into my heart:
A few of us stopped by to spend time with Karen and Matthew, who at that point was not visibly ill at all, and I had a chance to sit with him on the sofa and look at an information sheet about Tonka Trucks. He knew the name of almost every one, and we spent a lot of time talking about them and which ones were his favorites. My own beloved grandson, Ethan, wasn’t even conceived at that point, so I took that moment to fully enjoy a grandmother experience, not knowing if I would ever have one of my own. I just kept marveling at his smiling face, his big blue eyes, his boundless energy and his insatiable quest to learn. He was a walking, talking angel.
That is the way I will always remember him, and I have no doubt that he lives on in whatever way life continues after this earth experience and that he and his little brother Andrew would want us to think of them and feel the love of life they both expressed while they lived their short times here with us. For that I thank them, and thank Karen, Justin and Kristin for sharing their lives and their struggle with the rest of us who have grown and learned from being on the sidelines of this incredible journey they have taken. The sadness is real, but so is the love.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Follow Threads and See Where They Lead
I was having lunch with a dear friend today listening to a great story of how he met a guy at his children's school who was launching a project and they got to talking about it, which led to my friend giving him some pointers on his presentation and getting very interested in supporting him in fulfilling his dream. As we were talking, I realized that it was also possible that my friend could see that as a way to branch out for himself, that by helping this new friend, he could explore ways to go in a new direction. He has a good business, but sometimes doesn't feel as inspired as he would like, so wants to see if there is more for him out in the world.
I call that following the thread--when something shows up in front of us, do we discount it, do we just notice it, or do we let ourselves follow the thread and see where it leads?
I wrote recently that I had spent a good part of the last eleven years studying with John Demartini. That was an example of following a thread. I had made friends with the guys who did the taping of the workshops during the annual conference on Business and Consciousness held in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, in 1998. After I returned home, they sent me a tape of a workshop I hadn't attended run by a Demartini student that explained and took people through the Quantum Collapse Process (now called The Demartini Method). I was so intrigued that I searched out Demartini and by June of the next year took my first workshop with him. Now, after over 55 classes with him, I'm following another thread of seeing how well I can apply what I have learned outside of the form of student/teacher and into the just live it place.
I met the leader of Count Me In for Women's Economic Independence at a conference and offered her some pointers on how to see a situation differently and ended up working with her for three years as Executive Coach of the Make Mine a Million $ Business program. That was a very powerful thread to follow! I learned a tremendous amount about myself, women in business and how to be effective in the non-profit world all at the same time.
In 1970 I reconnected with an old friend whose children were in Montessori school and she introduced me to some friends of hers who were Montessori teachers, which led me to meet the woman who was starting a new Montessori Training Institute in Mexico City and I ended up moving there in the fall of 1971 and studying for two years to get a degree in Montessori education. When I connected with my friend, I had no idea where it would lead, but I was open and followed the thread.
After teaching for four years, I tried being a homemaker but wasn't too great at being at home all the time, so went into my husband's office to help file invoices and ended up running a manufacturer's rep firm for twenty-nine years! By following the thread, I ended up finding out I was a business woman, something that hadn't even occurred to me.
These are just a few examples of how I have followed threads throughout my life. I don't think I'm so different from other people, but I think I might be more aware of the patterns we create in our lives as we move through them. This is part of why I'm writing my series on being a Life Entrepreneur, so that others can see the ways that they already are--and by being more conscious of it, make choices that really work for them.
We carve out our lives and we follow threads--in this way we do our part in collaborating with higher intelligence to live fully. We have no control over the world, what happens around us, what others think, say or do. But we do have control over the choices we make, and the more conscious we are of that fact, the greater the possibility of making choices that truly serve us and those around us.
Love that!
I call that following the thread--when something shows up in front of us, do we discount it, do we just notice it, or do we let ourselves follow the thread and see where it leads?
I wrote recently that I had spent a good part of the last eleven years studying with John Demartini. That was an example of following a thread. I had made friends with the guys who did the taping of the workshops during the annual conference on Business and Consciousness held in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, in 1998. After I returned home, they sent me a tape of a workshop I hadn't attended run by a Demartini student that explained and took people through the Quantum Collapse Process (now called The Demartini Method). I was so intrigued that I searched out Demartini and by June of the next year took my first workshop with him. Now, after over 55 classes with him, I'm following another thread of seeing how well I can apply what I have learned outside of the form of student/teacher and into the just live it place.
I met the leader of Count Me In for Women's Economic Independence at a conference and offered her some pointers on how to see a situation differently and ended up working with her for three years as Executive Coach of the Make Mine a Million $ Business program. That was a very powerful thread to follow! I learned a tremendous amount about myself, women in business and how to be effective in the non-profit world all at the same time.
In 1970 I reconnected with an old friend whose children were in Montessori school and she introduced me to some friends of hers who were Montessori teachers, which led me to meet the woman who was starting a new Montessori Training Institute in Mexico City and I ended up moving there in the fall of 1971 and studying for two years to get a degree in Montessori education. When I connected with my friend, I had no idea where it would lead, but I was open and followed the thread.
After teaching for four years, I tried being a homemaker but wasn't too great at being at home all the time, so went into my husband's office to help file invoices and ended up running a manufacturer's rep firm for twenty-nine years! By following the thread, I ended up finding out I was a business woman, something that hadn't even occurred to me.
These are just a few examples of how I have followed threads throughout my life. I don't think I'm so different from other people, but I think I might be more aware of the patterns we create in our lives as we move through them. This is part of why I'm writing my series on being a Life Entrepreneur, so that others can see the ways that they already are--and by being more conscious of it, make choices that really work for them.
We carve out our lives and we follow threads--in this way we do our part in collaborating with higher intelligence to live fully. We have no control over the world, what happens around us, what others think, say or do. But we do have control over the choices we make, and the more conscious we are of that fact, the greater the possibility of making choices that truly serve us and those around us.
Love that!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Life Entrepreurs Share Their Thoughts.... This time from The Stone Kitchen
Last week I wrote about inviting my friends to send me their comments and letting me start expanding my blog. I was in Houston on Friday, visiting with Elizabeth Stone of The Stone Kitchen, encouraging her to write her own blog to support her new cookbook (that she already has a contract to publish!) and so she sent me the following sample.
My notion is that we're all Life Entrepreneurs--we all have something unique and special to share with the world. Here's what Liz wrote about her struggle to get her cookbook completed:
“No Stone Left Unturned” by Elizabeth Stone
Today is Saturday March 20, 2010
Writing a book is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have catered over 15,000 events over the last 20 years. I have catered with no water, no electricity for hundreds of people in some very strange locations. None of it, not even when I couldn’t make the payroll or when I was worried about the lights being cut off for lack of cash flow, has been as difficult as writing this book.
What’s the big deal? Why is it so hard to get the words on a page. I am writing about all the experiences and tricks that I have learned over the last 20 years in the catering business. Really or as my niece would say’ “Seriously E, really – you haven’t finished that book.” “Do I need to help you finish it?” My niece is 9 and seems to be ready to write and create and offer advice.
I must have a serious problem - I have self diagnosed myself with something called writer’s block. Has this ever happened to you? What is writer’s block anyway? All of a sudden, you can’t spell or type or think of anything even remotely creative. My motto is I can fix anything with cream and butter. Is that the solution? Add a little cream and butter. Maybe that is really the problem. I have been trying to cut back on fats lately. Why in the world would I do that? Heavens, that has got to be the problem. No butter, no cream, no writing. Hopefully after indulging in some much needed butter and cream, the creativity will come flowing again.
I second that emotion, Elizabeth! Maybe the butter and cream for you is feeling supported and encouraged by those of us who know you and are cheering you on! I can't wait to see the cookbook!
I can certainly empathize with her about how easy it is to get stuck in a blocked place and begin to doubt my creativity and ability. My remedy for it is to talk about it, get help, exercise, and just keep going. What's yours?
My notion is that we're all Life Entrepreneurs--we all have something unique and special to share with the world. Here's what Liz wrote about her struggle to get her cookbook completed:
“No Stone Left Unturned” by Elizabeth Stone
Today is Saturday March 20, 2010
Writing a book is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have catered over 15,000 events over the last 20 years. I have catered with no water, no electricity for hundreds of people in some very strange locations. None of it, not even when I couldn’t make the payroll or when I was worried about the lights being cut off for lack of cash flow, has been as difficult as writing this book.
What’s the big deal? Why is it so hard to get the words on a page. I am writing about all the experiences and tricks that I have learned over the last 20 years in the catering business. Really or as my niece would say’ “Seriously E, really – you haven’t finished that book.” “Do I need to help you finish it?” My niece is 9 and seems to be ready to write and create and offer advice.
I must have a serious problem - I have self diagnosed myself with something called writer’s block. Has this ever happened to you? What is writer’s block anyway? All of a sudden, you can’t spell or type or think of anything even remotely creative. My motto is I can fix anything with cream and butter. Is that the solution? Add a little cream and butter. Maybe that is really the problem. I have been trying to cut back on fats lately. Why in the world would I do that? Heavens, that has got to be the problem. No butter, no cream, no writing. Hopefully after indulging in some much needed butter and cream, the creativity will come flowing again.
I second that emotion, Elizabeth! Maybe the butter and cream for you is feeling supported and encouraged by those of us who know you and are cheering you on! I can't wait to see the cookbook!
I can certainly empathize with her about how easy it is to get stuck in a blocked place and begin to doubt my creativity and ability. My remedy for it is to talk about it, get help, exercise, and just keep going. What's yours?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Turn Disappointments into Opportunities
I just spent one of those amazing weekends that reaffirm the divine order of life. It started out on Friday evening with a deep, painful disappointment. It ended on Sunday evening with a deep, abiding sense that I am on the right path, that I am grateful, that I have so much ahead of me.
I see once again from the experience that I am resilient, able to walk through painful moments, willing to embrace what comes. Those are essential qualities for Life Entrepreneurs.
On Friday evening, someone I felt a deep connection to, that I genuinely cared about, decided not to be my friend anymore. It was a shock to my system--I experienced all the symptoms of shock: numbness, chills, disbelief. It felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, and I couldn't seem to make sense of it. So I got some help, called a few of my friends for support, made it through a fairly sleepless Friday night, then sort of zombied through the day on Saturday. Since I didn't know what to do, I didn't do much of anything.
That afternoon I went to see my mom and we watched some movies together, very comforting, so by the time I came back home, I could feel my body start to relax. That evening I watched TV and kept falling asleep, so I knew something was shifting.
I spoke about it a bit during the day, but sort of gave up trying to understand what happened, because I didn't really think I could at that moment.
Saturday night I slept more, and woke up with a bit more energy, ready to exercise and keep going. After my shower, I actually felt the warmth of gratitude for my friend, understanding more about the decision that was made.
As I was walking through my morning routine, my phone rang. A dear friend from Santa Fe called--she was stuck in DFW because of plane delays to New York and did I want to get together? Not only was I thrilled to hear her voice, but I was also sort of amazed. Janet Schreiber is one of the foremost experts, and has spent years teaching the graduate program at the University of New Mexico, on the subjects of death, grief, loss and trauma. And here she was, dropped into my life so to speak, on the ideal day at the ideal time for me.
Had to be cosmic.
She was glad to join me and my mom for our day of taking care of my grandson. I picked her up and the three of us spent the most delightful time with Ethan--what a lucky baby! Three doting grandmothers all taking turns playing with him, feeding him, marveling at his brilliance and energy. We were all in heaven! Janni and I cooked lunch, Mom watched Ethan, we shared food and great conversation.
After Mom and the baby went home, Janni and I watched a show about Jeff Koons, the artist, we visited about our lives, and gradually got into exploring life in our sixties, the choices we have ahead of us, the challenges of having lived very full, demanding lives and now finding ourselves with space and time to explore new directions, knowing that we still have productive, meaningful work ahead of us. We're just not so sure what it is, what it looks like, how to move forward into it.
She read my blog and encouraged me to keep writing--felt it is very important for women to express their innermost thoughts and share them. Many women are going through similar experiences, and not many are writing about how it feels to be here. Most of the people we know have been deeply affected by the economic crisis, we are all feeling our way along to find ways to cope with reduced retirement resources, how to turn these challenges into opportunities.
I asked her to be a guest blogger--and I hope she will encourage other women to send me their thoughts and ideas. I saw that we could expand what I'm writing into a sort of forum for women to speak. I hadn't ever thought of that before--but it made perfect sense!
And I encouraged her to expand her work, make it more available to the world. Since the death of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Janni could now take up the mantle of spreading her knowledge of dealing with death, grief, trauma and loss. She is an amazing teacher, a great resource for so many, and we need her shining presence to turn to.
We had such a great time talking, sharing ideas, exploring new directions. Very inspiring. Very encouraging. Very comforting. And I remembered that I have so much more ahead of me. That my disappointments always lead me into new directions, that I cannot possibly suffer a loss without a gain. When I took her back to her hotel, we touched on my experience of sadness, and she encouraged me to see the benefits of it, what I could learn about myself through it, to see how it was just part of my process of growth. What a blessing to have a therapist drop into my life at the exact moment I needed a little counseling! What a blessing to be able to share our strengths with each other!
She loved the concept of being a Life Entrepreneur. It was just the encouragement I needed to keep writing, to keep exploring and to stay open. To not let one sad experience affect me so much that I would close my heart and go back into hiding. I'm staying out in the world. I'm willing to have my heart hurt again. It is worth it to feel this alive and full of possibilities.
I see once again from the experience that I am resilient, able to walk through painful moments, willing to embrace what comes. Those are essential qualities for Life Entrepreneurs.
On Friday evening, someone I felt a deep connection to, that I genuinely cared about, decided not to be my friend anymore. It was a shock to my system--I experienced all the symptoms of shock: numbness, chills, disbelief. It felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, and I couldn't seem to make sense of it. So I got some help, called a few of my friends for support, made it through a fairly sleepless Friday night, then sort of zombied through the day on Saturday. Since I didn't know what to do, I didn't do much of anything.
That afternoon I went to see my mom and we watched some movies together, very comforting, so by the time I came back home, I could feel my body start to relax. That evening I watched TV and kept falling asleep, so I knew something was shifting.
I spoke about it a bit during the day, but sort of gave up trying to understand what happened, because I didn't really think I could at that moment.
Saturday night I slept more, and woke up with a bit more energy, ready to exercise and keep going. After my shower, I actually felt the warmth of gratitude for my friend, understanding more about the decision that was made.
As I was walking through my morning routine, my phone rang. A dear friend from Santa Fe called--she was stuck in DFW because of plane delays to New York and did I want to get together? Not only was I thrilled to hear her voice, but I was also sort of amazed. Janet Schreiber is one of the foremost experts, and has spent years teaching the graduate program at the University of New Mexico, on the subjects of death, grief, loss and trauma. And here she was, dropped into my life so to speak, on the ideal day at the ideal time for me.
Had to be cosmic.
She was glad to join me and my mom for our day of taking care of my grandson. I picked her up and the three of us spent the most delightful time with Ethan--what a lucky baby! Three doting grandmothers all taking turns playing with him, feeding him, marveling at his brilliance and energy. We were all in heaven! Janni and I cooked lunch, Mom watched Ethan, we shared food and great conversation.
After Mom and the baby went home, Janni and I watched a show about Jeff Koons, the artist, we visited about our lives, and gradually got into exploring life in our sixties, the choices we have ahead of us, the challenges of having lived very full, demanding lives and now finding ourselves with space and time to explore new directions, knowing that we still have productive, meaningful work ahead of us. We're just not so sure what it is, what it looks like, how to move forward into it.
She read my blog and encouraged me to keep writing--felt it is very important for women to express their innermost thoughts and share them. Many women are going through similar experiences, and not many are writing about how it feels to be here. Most of the people we know have been deeply affected by the economic crisis, we are all feeling our way along to find ways to cope with reduced retirement resources, how to turn these challenges into opportunities.
I asked her to be a guest blogger--and I hope she will encourage other women to send me their thoughts and ideas. I saw that we could expand what I'm writing into a sort of forum for women to speak. I hadn't ever thought of that before--but it made perfect sense!
And I encouraged her to expand her work, make it more available to the world. Since the death of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Janni could now take up the mantle of spreading her knowledge of dealing with death, grief, trauma and loss. She is an amazing teacher, a great resource for so many, and we need her shining presence to turn to.
We had such a great time talking, sharing ideas, exploring new directions. Very inspiring. Very encouraging. Very comforting. And I remembered that I have so much more ahead of me. That my disappointments always lead me into new directions, that I cannot possibly suffer a loss without a gain. When I took her back to her hotel, we touched on my experience of sadness, and she encouraged me to see the benefits of it, what I could learn about myself through it, to see how it was just part of my process of growth. What a blessing to have a therapist drop into my life at the exact moment I needed a little counseling! What a blessing to be able to share our strengths with each other!
She loved the concept of being a Life Entrepreneur. It was just the encouragement I needed to keep writing, to keep exploring and to stay open. To not let one sad experience affect me so much that I would close my heart and go back into hiding. I'm staying out in the world. I'm willing to have my heart hurt again. It is worth it to feel this alive and full of possibilities.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Fall In and Out of Love
I was having my early morning call with my friend Lida today and as I was talking I realized I had made a very big change in my life and only by putting it into words did I see its impact. Almost eleven years ago I discovered the teachings of John Demartini and I can honestly say that I fell in love with studying what he had to offer. I spent the next several years going to classes all over the place--I even took some in Paris and Mexico--although most of them were in the US.
I met amazing, wonderful people along the way. I studied like crazy and got certified to teach his method (now called The Demartini Method) and found that I could take what I learned and apply it easily, and that it helped a lot of people, especially me.
It seemed to synthesize all the other things I had studied over the years. One of the great benefits to running into a lot of life challenges is that it drove me to seek answers, try to find ways to understand and move through some very difficult periods. I was hungry for more, I was willing to do whatever it took to learn and keep growing. It informed my work, and I became a really good business owner, coach, teacher, consultant, combining those teachings with my own experiences and finding ways to really integrate it all together.
Over the last year, I started to feel something different about studying with John. His classes seemed very familiar and I would find my mind wandering. I went to a repeat class of some really interesting material and got sick, as if my body just couldn't absorb any more information. I decided to go to more classes to see how it felt, what I got from them. I still loved the teaching, but I found I didn't love being there. I was easily distracted.
When I faced my big financial crisis last year, I used all the tools I had learned and they helped, but it still took me time to work through my process. I began to embrace that time, to stop beating myself up for not "getting it" sooner, for not finding peace more easily. The difficulty became my teacher. Waking up in a panic was my sign that I was still here, still working, still alive somehow.
Over the last month things have shifted again, and I have found myself getting lightning insights in the middle of being on the floor doing Pilates, or talking with Lida, or reflecting on something someone said. I have been more aware of myself, noticed how I was feeling more easily. I have been a bit of a hermit off and on for the last year or so, but it has been a rich time. I have been very selective about conversations, sharing what I could, when I could, and letting myself wait, and watch, and wonder what would come next.
So this morning, talking with Lida, I realized I'm not in love with being a Demartini student anymore. I love the work, I love that he is out there spreading his message around the globe, I love that new people discover his teachings and fall in love with studying them. I love that I engaged fully in that endeavor.
And I love what it led me to. I love that I am now in love with studying my own life. Being in it. Living it. Finding ways to enjoy it--my family, my friends, my relationships have a deeper meaning to me than ever before. I can sit and watch nature around me and feel that sense of peace that I used to go searching for. I can express my vulnerability and a friend will send me a CD to listen to, one that helps me feel more of myself. I am aware that I am loved.
I fell in love with my own life. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with my family. I fell in love with my friends. I don't think I would be here, in this place, if I hadn't been so strident, worked so hard all these years to learn from this wonderful teacher, John Demartini. And I hope to continue to stay connected to him and work with him from time to time. And I am deeply grateful that I met him, that I learned from him and that he has modeled to me what it looks like to be so driven and focused, so completely dedicated to his mission.
Now it is time for me to be dedicated to myself. Thanks to all that help, I think I'm up to the task.
I met amazing, wonderful people along the way. I studied like crazy and got certified to teach his method (now called The Demartini Method) and found that I could take what I learned and apply it easily, and that it helped a lot of people, especially me.
It seemed to synthesize all the other things I had studied over the years. One of the great benefits to running into a lot of life challenges is that it drove me to seek answers, try to find ways to understand and move through some very difficult periods. I was hungry for more, I was willing to do whatever it took to learn and keep growing. It informed my work, and I became a really good business owner, coach, teacher, consultant, combining those teachings with my own experiences and finding ways to really integrate it all together.
Over the last year, I started to feel something different about studying with John. His classes seemed very familiar and I would find my mind wandering. I went to a repeat class of some really interesting material and got sick, as if my body just couldn't absorb any more information. I decided to go to more classes to see how it felt, what I got from them. I still loved the teaching, but I found I didn't love being there. I was easily distracted.
When I faced my big financial crisis last year, I used all the tools I had learned and they helped, but it still took me time to work through my process. I began to embrace that time, to stop beating myself up for not "getting it" sooner, for not finding peace more easily. The difficulty became my teacher. Waking up in a panic was my sign that I was still here, still working, still alive somehow.
Over the last month things have shifted again, and I have found myself getting lightning insights in the middle of being on the floor doing Pilates, or talking with Lida, or reflecting on something someone said. I have been more aware of myself, noticed how I was feeling more easily. I have been a bit of a hermit off and on for the last year or so, but it has been a rich time. I have been very selective about conversations, sharing what I could, when I could, and letting myself wait, and watch, and wonder what would come next.
So this morning, talking with Lida, I realized I'm not in love with being a Demartini student anymore. I love the work, I love that he is out there spreading his message around the globe, I love that new people discover his teachings and fall in love with studying them. I love that I engaged fully in that endeavor.
And I love what it led me to. I love that I am now in love with studying my own life. Being in it. Living it. Finding ways to enjoy it--my family, my friends, my relationships have a deeper meaning to me than ever before. I can sit and watch nature around me and feel that sense of peace that I used to go searching for. I can express my vulnerability and a friend will send me a CD to listen to, one that helps me feel more of myself. I am aware that I am loved.
I fell in love with my own life. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with my family. I fell in love with my friends. I don't think I would be here, in this place, if I hadn't been so strident, worked so hard all these years to learn from this wonderful teacher, John Demartini. And I hope to continue to stay connected to him and work with him from time to time. And I am deeply grateful that I met him, that I learned from him and that he has modeled to me what it looks like to be so driven and focused, so completely dedicated to his mission.
Now it is time for me to be dedicated to myself. Thanks to all that help, I think I'm up to the task.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Get That It Takes Time to Grow and Change
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of feelings. One day I wake up panicked about the future, another day I feel calm and present. I realize that I have entered a New Frontier of my life, and lacking a clear road map, I find I must trust that these waves of emotion are part of the journey.
My friend Lida reminded me the other day that it hasn't even been a year since I discovered that my financial situation was not what it had seemed. I look back and remember days when I didn't think I could breathe, but here I am, over eight months later still breathing, feeling stronger, working my plan to regain the stability that seemed to have been lost.
I had serious ankle surgery in November 2004 and I remember the first time I was able to walk in regular shoes and go shopping for a bit at the local mall. This was probably in March or April, four or five months after the surgery. I tried to wear a pair of sandals and after thirty minutes, I realized I could barely walk in them. My feet just weren't ready! I had to limp back home and put on something very sensible and sturdy, and I also gave up the idea of doing any shopping for another few months.
Looking back, I realize it took me a full year before I could walk easily on my refurbished ankle. It took time. And, I ended up giving away a lot of the shoes I used to wear because they just didn't work anymore. When you go in for that kind of procedure, no one tells you that along with the repair, your life is going to change!
So why would I be surprised that I still feel the effects of what I now see as post traumatic stress over my discovery last June? An emotional trauma is just as life altering as a physical one, no?
Time is our great ally in recovery. I keep being reminded of old adages: you can't push the river; all good things in good time; time heals all wounds (and time wounds all heels......). They are a bit trite but true nonetheless.
A friend who spends a lot of time with her grandson watching Finding Nemo reminded me of what Dory the clown fish said over and over: keep swimming--keep swimming! That's a great thing to do as we live through the time it takes to recover from disaster.
And, I also know that as I'm swimming, I experience a whole range of feelings: I'm scared I won't make it! The new waters I'm navigating feel alien! I keep having to reach out for help.
As I've said many times before in this space, the more I allow myself to feel my fears, the more I share how I feel with my friends and family, the more vulnerable and open I become, the more I can feel myself, and the closer I feel to them. The curious paradox, the mystery of relationships, there it is--right in front of me. And I'm discovering, daily, the ways I steeled myself to NOT feel, to hide my vulnerability, thinking it would somehow serve me to be the strong one, the one who could handle things.
Instead, it kept me from feeling the fullness of myself, and to be able to fully love and be loved.
Being open and vulnerable creates a space for my friends to reach in and comfort me. So it isn't they who need time--it is I who need time to get comfortable being that transparent, that honest, that willing to let them see me. And today, one of them reminded me of another adage, not so trite or well-known:
Our goal isn't to try to get out of the rain. Our goal is to learn to dance in the rain.
So it took me eight months to be able to take in that idea, really hear it and appreciate it. What are eight months in a full, rich and rewarding life of a woman in her sixties? What are eight months of riding an emotional roller coaster? Too long? What is time really to a Life Entrepreneur but a way to mark progress?
I like thinking about letting my heart dance through this rain--and I'm looking forward to seeing how I feel next week!
My friend Lida reminded me the other day that it hasn't even been a year since I discovered that my financial situation was not what it had seemed. I look back and remember days when I didn't think I could breathe, but here I am, over eight months later still breathing, feeling stronger, working my plan to regain the stability that seemed to have been lost.
I had serious ankle surgery in November 2004 and I remember the first time I was able to walk in regular shoes and go shopping for a bit at the local mall. This was probably in March or April, four or five months after the surgery. I tried to wear a pair of sandals and after thirty minutes, I realized I could barely walk in them. My feet just weren't ready! I had to limp back home and put on something very sensible and sturdy, and I also gave up the idea of doing any shopping for another few months.
Looking back, I realize it took me a full year before I could walk easily on my refurbished ankle. It took time. And, I ended up giving away a lot of the shoes I used to wear because they just didn't work anymore. When you go in for that kind of procedure, no one tells you that along with the repair, your life is going to change!
So why would I be surprised that I still feel the effects of what I now see as post traumatic stress over my discovery last June? An emotional trauma is just as life altering as a physical one, no?
Time is our great ally in recovery. I keep being reminded of old adages: you can't push the river; all good things in good time; time heals all wounds (and time wounds all heels......). They are a bit trite but true nonetheless.
A friend who spends a lot of time with her grandson watching Finding Nemo reminded me of what Dory the clown fish said over and over: keep swimming--keep swimming! That's a great thing to do as we live through the time it takes to recover from disaster.
And, I also know that as I'm swimming, I experience a whole range of feelings: I'm scared I won't make it! The new waters I'm navigating feel alien! I keep having to reach out for help.
As I've said many times before in this space, the more I allow myself to feel my fears, the more I share how I feel with my friends and family, the more vulnerable and open I become, the more I can feel myself, and the closer I feel to them. The curious paradox, the mystery of relationships, there it is--right in front of me. And I'm discovering, daily, the ways I steeled myself to NOT feel, to hide my vulnerability, thinking it would somehow serve me to be the strong one, the one who could handle things.
Instead, it kept me from feeling the fullness of myself, and to be able to fully love and be loved.
Being open and vulnerable creates a space for my friends to reach in and comfort me. So it isn't they who need time--it is I who need time to get comfortable being that transparent, that honest, that willing to let them see me. And today, one of them reminded me of another adage, not so trite or well-known:
Our goal isn't to try to get out of the rain. Our goal is to learn to dance in the rain.
So it took me eight months to be able to take in that idea, really hear it and appreciate it. What are eight months in a full, rich and rewarding life of a woman in her sixties? What are eight months of riding an emotional roller coaster? Too long? What is time really to a Life Entrepreneur but a way to mark progress?
I like thinking about letting my heart dance through this rain--and I'm looking forward to seeing how I feel next week!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Get Out of Their Own Way
I went to a party last night and as I was looking around the room, noticing all sorts of things about the people there, that ever present humanness crept up and I found myself comparing my life to what seemed to me to be their lives. I say seemed to be because I didn't know many of them and had no idea what was actual about them, only what I could make up by first impressions.
First of all, I think I was the only single person in the sea of sixty or so in attendance. Not that unusual, since I go all sorts of places on my own, but it was particularly striking to me because this is Valentine's Day weekend and at times like this (holidays especially) I feel more acutely aware of my relationship status. So I thought about who I would be if I had stayed married some twenty years ago, and reassured myself that I wouldn't be who I am today if that were the case.
That set off a sort of internal contemplation that continued through this morning, and I woke up thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in comparison games, wishing games, yearning for some state of being that doesn't seem present in our lives. I called my friend Lida and admitted to her that I felt like a fraud--I have taught people for years about that subject. I truly know that there is nothing missing in life, we just haven't taken the time to find the form it exists in--and we are blind to that form because the story of lack seems more true at that moment.
And it occurred to me that playing the comparison game is one way we get in our own way--we block the energy flow of being present and put so much emphasis on what we think we don't have, that it sort of dams up the free flowing movement which carries within it the possibility of expressing the form we would love to experience. Not having it in a specific form doesn't mean we don't have it (that quality of life we yearn for)--but if we can't see it, we don't have the opportunity to appreciate it.
An example might help.....
If I feel I lack wealth in my life, it may be showing up in my bank account--the "proof" that I am lacking. But if I start looking around, I can find other forms of wealth--family and friends, opportunities for growth, the ability to do what I love to do, my ability to think and understand. Those are some ways I can actually feel wealth. And by recognizing those ways, it takes apart the dam and opens the flow to creating money in my bank account.
As someone who has grappled with a financial challenge over the last year, I see how I have been given the opportunity to keep looking for how I am in my own way, with fear, self-doubt, comparing myself to others, finding myself listing all my frailties and shortcomings and forgetting the valuable things about myself and my life, just as it is. If I keep that up, I'll shrink my bank account even further!
When I start appreciating all the small pleasures in my life, I start expanding my sense of wealth. Today I had lunch with my grandson to celebrate his first birthday. And I realized that he is my eternal Valentine--born on Valentine's Day to remind me that love takes many forms, and one of them is the unconditional love I feel for my sweet Ethan. Just looking at him gives me a sense of wealth beyond measure.
My father used to say, "our children are our investments and our grandchildren are the dividends." How true! When Ethan smiles at me, he doesn't know I'm single, he doesn't care how much money I have in the bank, he isn't even interested in my appearance. He feels my presence and responds to it. He feels my energy, the love I have for him, and he thrives in it. Are there greater riches than that?
The fact that I know this, that I can stem the tide of self-doubt and self-deprecation means I have some tools to use to stay on my path--carving out my life and continuing to grow in awareness and gratitude. The Life Entrepreneur in me won't settle for anything less.
First of all, I think I was the only single person in the sea of sixty or so in attendance. Not that unusual, since I go all sorts of places on my own, but it was particularly striking to me because this is Valentine's Day weekend and at times like this (holidays especially) I feel more acutely aware of my relationship status. So I thought about who I would be if I had stayed married some twenty years ago, and reassured myself that I wouldn't be who I am today if that were the case.
That set off a sort of internal contemplation that continued through this morning, and I woke up thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in comparison games, wishing games, yearning for some state of being that doesn't seem present in our lives. I called my friend Lida and admitted to her that I felt like a fraud--I have taught people for years about that subject. I truly know that there is nothing missing in life, we just haven't taken the time to find the form it exists in--and we are blind to that form because the story of lack seems more true at that moment.
And it occurred to me that playing the comparison game is one way we get in our own way--we block the energy flow of being present and put so much emphasis on what we think we don't have, that it sort of dams up the free flowing movement which carries within it the possibility of expressing the form we would love to experience. Not having it in a specific form doesn't mean we don't have it (that quality of life we yearn for)--but if we can't see it, we don't have the opportunity to appreciate it.
An example might help.....
If I feel I lack wealth in my life, it may be showing up in my bank account--the "proof" that I am lacking. But if I start looking around, I can find other forms of wealth--family and friends, opportunities for growth, the ability to do what I love to do, my ability to think and understand. Those are some ways I can actually feel wealth. And by recognizing those ways, it takes apart the dam and opens the flow to creating money in my bank account.
As someone who has grappled with a financial challenge over the last year, I see how I have been given the opportunity to keep looking for how I am in my own way, with fear, self-doubt, comparing myself to others, finding myself listing all my frailties and shortcomings and forgetting the valuable things about myself and my life, just as it is. If I keep that up, I'll shrink my bank account even further!
When I start appreciating all the small pleasures in my life, I start expanding my sense of wealth. Today I had lunch with my grandson to celebrate his first birthday. And I realized that he is my eternal Valentine--born on Valentine's Day to remind me that love takes many forms, and one of them is the unconditional love I feel for my sweet Ethan. Just looking at him gives me a sense of wealth beyond measure.
My father used to say, "our children are our investments and our grandchildren are the dividends." How true! When Ethan smiles at me, he doesn't know I'm single, he doesn't care how much money I have in the bank, he isn't even interested in my appearance. He feels my presence and responds to it. He feels my energy, the love I have for him, and he thrives in it. Are there greater riches than that?
The fact that I know this, that I can stem the tide of self-doubt and self-deprecation means I have some tools to use to stay on my path--carving out my life and continuing to grow in awareness and gratitude. The Life Entrepreneur in me won't settle for anything less.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Engage in Continuous Improvement
"Those who are victorious plan effectively, and change decisively. They are like a great river that maintains its course, but adjusts its flow. They have form, but are formless. They are skilled in both planning and adapting, and need not fear the result of a thousand battles: For they win in advance, defeating those who have already lost." — Sun Tzu
I am well aware that there is nothing new under the sun, and that most of what I perceive to be 'original' ideas are actually my musings and reinterpretations of what I have read, been taught, talked about with others. This quote, which so powerfully expresses why it is vital to have a vision for one's life, is from The Art of War by Sun Tzu, which I read over twenty-five years ago. It made sense then, and it makes even more sense today.
Yes, it is talking about being victorious, as if it relates mainly to war. But I believe there is a direct correlation between his concepts and the struggles we all face in carving our way through life.
It reminds me of another quote, this one from Norman Vincent Peale, "if you wake up one morning without a problem, you better get on your knees and pray for one, because if you don't have a problem, you're dead!"
Life is about problems, working through them, overcoming adversity, meeting challenges and continuing to grow through it all. The moments of pleasure and peace are fleeting, because another challenge is ever present for us to experience. In fact, this is one of the main topics I work on with most of my coaching clients. They create the fantasy that they will do some heavy duty work, mentally, emotionally and/or physically, and from that will 'arrive' somewhere, where things will be easier.
If you step back and observe your actual life, you will see that each point of achievement brings the next challenge. This process of struggling through to moments of joyful enlightenment and an 'aah' or 'yeah, got it' is never ending. As Demartini frequently says, we cannot finite the infinite. There is no point of enlightenment to reach--at least I can attest to that being true for my human experience. Each ‘outcome’ is the ‘become’ of the next challenge.
We can’t wait to grow up and find true love, a life partner. Then we get engaged and deal with all the issues of learning how to couple with someone. We get married and suddenly have to live together! We have children, fulfilling a dream of creating a family, and then we have to raise them!
The more we grow, the more we see what there is to learn. But we cannot truly grow without a plan, a vision of where we're going. That is what I get from Sun Tzu's idea of a river maintaining its course but adjusting its flow--having form but being formless.
The challenge of being a Life Entrepreneur is to do this consciously. Live each day with a semblance of self-awareness, self-direction, a self-imposed program of Quality Control, using all the great teachings of W. Edwards Deming by creating a system of continuous improvement in our lives. It works in manufacturing, why wouldn't it work in creating the life we would love to live?
I am well aware that there is nothing new under the sun, and that most of what I perceive to be 'original' ideas are actually my musings and reinterpretations of what I have read, been taught, talked about with others. This quote, which so powerfully expresses why it is vital to have a vision for one's life, is from The Art of War by Sun Tzu, which I read over twenty-five years ago. It made sense then, and it makes even more sense today.
Yes, it is talking about being victorious, as if it relates mainly to war. But I believe there is a direct correlation between his concepts and the struggles we all face in carving our way through life.
It reminds me of another quote, this one from Norman Vincent Peale, "if you wake up one morning without a problem, you better get on your knees and pray for one, because if you don't have a problem, you're dead!"
Life is about problems, working through them, overcoming adversity, meeting challenges and continuing to grow through it all. The moments of pleasure and peace are fleeting, because another challenge is ever present for us to experience. In fact, this is one of the main topics I work on with most of my coaching clients. They create the fantasy that they will do some heavy duty work, mentally, emotionally and/or physically, and from that will 'arrive' somewhere, where things will be easier.
If you step back and observe your actual life, you will see that each point of achievement brings the next challenge. This process of struggling through to moments of joyful enlightenment and an 'aah' or 'yeah, got it' is never ending. As Demartini frequently says, we cannot finite the infinite. There is no point of enlightenment to reach--at least I can attest to that being true for my human experience. Each ‘outcome’ is the ‘become’ of the next challenge.
We can’t wait to grow up and find true love, a life partner. Then we get engaged and deal with all the issues of learning how to couple with someone. We get married and suddenly have to live together! We have children, fulfilling a dream of creating a family, and then we have to raise them!
The more we grow, the more we see what there is to learn. But we cannot truly grow without a plan, a vision of where we're going. That is what I get from Sun Tzu's idea of a river maintaining its course but adjusting its flow--having form but being formless.
The challenge of being a Life Entrepreneur is to do this consciously. Live each day with a semblance of self-awareness, self-direction, a self-imposed program of Quality Control, using all the great teachings of W. Edwards Deming by creating a system of continuous improvement in our lives. It works in manufacturing, why wouldn't it work in creating the life we would love to live?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Life Entrepreneurs Reach Out and Ask for Help
I woke up this morning doing my little guilt trip on myself about not writing in my blog for a month, feeling out of sorts, wondering why about a lot of things I'm experiencing. The good thing was that my eyes popped open at 8 am, meaning I had slept really well. Being a sort of night owl, I don't usually go to sleep until after midnight, so that meant I clocked at least seven hours and didn't wake up once! Could that mean something? Am I more settled inside? Enough to actually rest?
The past eight months were very unsettling for me. I discovered a major financial disaster around the first of June and spent the next three months crawling out of emotional hell. It seemed that everything I believed about myself blew up in my face. I lost my sense of confidence, doubted whether I would ever be able to make a "right" decision again, and had trouble doing the everyday things like breathing, eating, sleeping, talking to people.
I reached out to coaches and friends little by little, and slowly started to gain some inner stability. I used every bit of knowledge and experience I had to stop panicking and keep breathing. I felt like I was walking around with a big L for loser on my forehead. Cosmic joke: no one else felt that way about me. I actually found the opposite reaction from family and friends. They told me by my feeling so humble and going through such difficult times it made me seem more accessible to them, more real somehow. I had no idea I was sending out the vibe of "having it all together" but it seems that many saw me that way.
I even had clients and students who told me that they felt they had even more to learn from me after seeing me walk through such a challenging time. They felt I would understand and relate to them better because of it.
It is interesting to me how important it is to perceive those around us as just as human as we are. And also how little we really know about how others perceive us. We spend so much time trying to come across as having ourselves together, not realizing that might actually be a turn-off to others!
But to get back to my opening comments, waking up this morning, I found the unsettled feelings running rampant, so I called my "inspiration point" Lida, and just hearing her voice helped me feel more "here" and able to ground myself. We had a good talk, not about dire or urgent things, more about the daily things--our kids, our grandchildren, handling health issues. I am so grateful to have this person in my life to share my daily things with, and I know she feels the same.
I still didn't want to get out of bed, so I knew I wasn't ready. And I called another friend I don't see that often and we shared our plans for her next visit to Dallas, how we are feeling about things, what to do about her cat throwing up on her comforter.....all the really important things about daily living.
That is the kind of reaching out and asking for help I do lately--staying connected to my dearest friends and getting the support, challenge, encouragement and advice I need to work through the day. I can't imagine who I would be without it.
In my travels through life, carving out my life as a Life Entrepreneur, the most important parts of this journey have been the friends I have cultivated relationships with and my family who have somehow always been there, no matter how screwy or out of sorts my life has seemed. Because I have them, I know I am wealthy beyond measure.
They are my constant resource, my ever-present source of supply to meet my deepest needs. They mean more to me than money, and because they are there, keeping me here, alive and somewhat well, I know I can weather the challenges of making money, living my purpose, providing for myself.
If I hadn't reached out, if I don't continue to do that and ask for help, I could easily slip back into the hell I was in a few months ago. By getting out of myself, doing some traveling, continuing to talk and share and listen, I was able to move on, redirect my thinking and from that emerged my series on being a Life Entrepreneur.
So I encourage you to let the important people in your life know what is really going on with you, how you feel, what challenges you are facing. Ask for help. It will endear you to them and take you into deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Isn't that the true wealth of life?
The past eight months were very unsettling for me. I discovered a major financial disaster around the first of June and spent the next three months crawling out of emotional hell. It seemed that everything I believed about myself blew up in my face. I lost my sense of confidence, doubted whether I would ever be able to make a "right" decision again, and had trouble doing the everyday things like breathing, eating, sleeping, talking to people.
I reached out to coaches and friends little by little, and slowly started to gain some inner stability. I used every bit of knowledge and experience I had to stop panicking and keep breathing. I felt like I was walking around with a big L for loser on my forehead. Cosmic joke: no one else felt that way about me. I actually found the opposite reaction from family and friends. They told me by my feeling so humble and going through such difficult times it made me seem more accessible to them, more real somehow. I had no idea I was sending out the vibe of "having it all together" but it seems that many saw me that way.
I even had clients and students who told me that they felt they had even more to learn from me after seeing me walk through such a challenging time. They felt I would understand and relate to them better because of it.
It is interesting to me how important it is to perceive those around us as just as human as we are. And also how little we really know about how others perceive us. We spend so much time trying to come across as having ourselves together, not realizing that might actually be a turn-off to others!
But to get back to my opening comments, waking up this morning, I found the unsettled feelings running rampant, so I called my "inspiration point" Lida, and just hearing her voice helped me feel more "here" and able to ground myself. We had a good talk, not about dire or urgent things, more about the daily things--our kids, our grandchildren, handling health issues. I am so grateful to have this person in my life to share my daily things with, and I know she feels the same.
I still didn't want to get out of bed, so I knew I wasn't ready. And I called another friend I don't see that often and we shared our plans for her next visit to Dallas, how we are feeling about things, what to do about her cat throwing up on her comforter.....all the really important things about daily living.
That is the kind of reaching out and asking for help I do lately--staying connected to my dearest friends and getting the support, challenge, encouragement and advice I need to work through the day. I can't imagine who I would be without it.
In my travels through life, carving out my life as a Life Entrepreneur, the most important parts of this journey have been the friends I have cultivated relationships with and my family who have somehow always been there, no matter how screwy or out of sorts my life has seemed. Because I have them, I know I am wealthy beyond measure.
They are my constant resource, my ever-present source of supply to meet my deepest needs. They mean more to me than money, and because they are there, keeping me here, alive and somewhat well, I know I can weather the challenges of making money, living my purpose, providing for myself.
If I hadn't reached out, if I don't continue to do that and ask for help, I could easily slip back into the hell I was in a few months ago. By getting out of myself, doing some traveling, continuing to talk and share and listen, I was able to move on, redirect my thinking and from that emerged my series on being a Life Entrepreneur.
So I encourage you to let the important people in your life know what is really going on with you, how you feel, what challenges you are facing. Ask for help. It will endear you to them and take you into deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Isn't that the true wealth of life?
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