A couple of weeks ago I was writing to a client to help her appreciate the struggle she was experiencing and to encourage her to keep going. I was also urging her to keep feeling all the emotions she was having, to not suppress them. I spent many years trying to "stay positive" and "keep going" which also meant stuffing my feelings. I now realize that embracing my emotions was a very important thing for me, and when I learned to do it, I no longer felt like a steam kettle about to blow. Instead, I felt more balanced, living with the emotions but not letting them run my life. Here are some of the things I wrote to her:
"Understanding another way to look at the situation doesn't preclude allowing yourself to feel all that you are feeling. I don't want to see you stuff those feelings, as I imagine that contributes as much to weight gain, headaches, pain and other forms of misery as any other thing we do as humans.
So I encourage you to keep feeling everything--stay with this. It looks to me as if you are inside a cocoon, trying to break through the chrysalis to emerge, and the only way to do it is to fully experience the pain of emerging. You're seeing things you don't want to see. You're feeling things you don't want to feel.
And I encourage you to do it anyway, as hard as it is. It is leading you somewhere--unknown to you at this time, but into another realm, a level of awareness that you can't understand about until you move into it.
You say you see more positive things about yourself than others do--but to truly see ourselves means to embrace all the parts, the stuff we don't want to see that is ugly especially. If we have a charge on a trait expressed by someone else, rest assured we are expressing that trait, but we are blind to it and we just have to find it.
How are these people your mirror? I'm not even saying owning their traits will make you immediately feel better--but it is a step in moving forward and embracing the pain you are in. By owning their traits, you see that you have them too, and it helps you stop having unrealistic expectations of others to somehow not be human also. When we see others as human, we can start appreciating our own humanity.
As you slowly start to get more 'in your own skin' with all these feelings--good and bad about yourself and others--you will start to feel your butterfly shape and find your way out of the cocoon.
But even that has its inherent shock--the cold air hitting the still damp form, the wings still plastered against your sides. Figuring out how to move the new form is just as challenging as staying in the old one!
I see you spreading those beautiful wings and flying, dear one!
But here is the cosmic joke on all of us: we keep repeating the larva, caterpillar, cocoon, emerging process over and over throughout our lives. So to think we've ever 'done it' and reached a point of freedom from the process is an illusion.
The fun part is that we keep showing up again with new colors and variations of the butterfly experience. So instead of dreading it, we can look forward to seeing what we develop into next!"
Isn't that what being a Life Entrepreneur is really about?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Life Entrepreneurs Live in the Moment
Today I spent the morning working with my son on how to see his role at work differently. We are very close, and I love the fact that we can communicate on such a deep, satisfying level. We laughed over a few of the times we clashed in the past--remembering those moments makes the ones we share today even richer.
All the while we talked, we did little activities. He had brought my precious 10 month old baby grandson with him, so I fed him, my son put a playpen together for him, we marveled at the sounds Ethan is making and all the ways he looks like Noah did when he was that age. There is nothing quite like this experience, and though I had an image of what it would be like to be a grandmother, the actuality of it is more wonderful than I could have imagined.
What is most powerful is the feeling of family continuity, the sharing of life experiences that will live on long after we aren't here, through our children and their children. Ethan won't remember the day he spent with us because he is too little. But it will be imprinted in him, and the experience of love, communication, sharing joy and challenge together--those will be indelible parts of his life.
The level of gratitude that I feel for being able to just BE her, with them, available to spend this time with my son and his son--well, I can't even fully express what that is. Suffice it to say, I'm completely addicted to it and will do whatever it takes to have more of it.
I have often commented in this forum that I am so glad to NOT be on the road, working in NY or Paris or wherever my work used to take me--that I love being home, spending time with my mother, my son, my friends. Every once in a while I get into a funk and wonder if I am self-sabotaging by not trying to find another "job"--as if I'm not actually working fairly constantly with all the things I'm doing. It is really about not having the identity of owning the sales company, or working a big contract as a consultant. I'm still doing coaching and consulting, just in a different way--with lots more time for family and friends.
Days like today remind me that I am in the right place, this is the right time, and I can keep on trusting the Divine Order that put me here--and that I will know what I need to know tomorrow, especially if I fully live today.
Being a Life Entrepreneur gives me that option--and I'm choosing it!
All the while we talked, we did little activities. He had brought my precious 10 month old baby grandson with him, so I fed him, my son put a playpen together for him, we marveled at the sounds Ethan is making and all the ways he looks like Noah did when he was that age. There is nothing quite like this experience, and though I had an image of what it would be like to be a grandmother, the actuality of it is more wonderful than I could have imagined.
What is most powerful is the feeling of family continuity, the sharing of life experiences that will live on long after we aren't here, through our children and their children. Ethan won't remember the day he spent with us because he is too little. But it will be imprinted in him, and the experience of love, communication, sharing joy and challenge together--those will be indelible parts of his life.
The level of gratitude that I feel for being able to just BE her, with them, available to spend this time with my son and his son--well, I can't even fully express what that is. Suffice it to say, I'm completely addicted to it and will do whatever it takes to have more of it.
I have often commented in this forum that I am so glad to NOT be on the road, working in NY or Paris or wherever my work used to take me--that I love being home, spending time with my mother, my son, my friends. Every once in a while I get into a funk and wonder if I am self-sabotaging by not trying to find another "job"--as if I'm not actually working fairly constantly with all the things I'm doing. It is really about not having the identity of owning the sales company, or working a big contract as a consultant. I'm still doing coaching and consulting, just in a different way--with lots more time for family and friends.
Days like today remind me that I am in the right place, this is the right time, and I can keep on trusting the Divine Order that put me here--and that I will know what I need to know tomorrow, especially if I fully live today.
Being a Life Entrepreneur gives me that option--and I'm choosing it!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Life Entreprenuers Embrace Challenges
This morning I was struggling with how to handle some complicated situations. I have a couple of crucial conversations coming up, and I was trying to see how best to approach them. I have been frustrated because I want so much to help these people, and I know there is only so much I can do.
One of the advantages of living alone is that no one is around to distract me from doing my morning meditation, exercising, etc. But it also means that I don't have a handy sounding board for musing about things, talking aloud to get my thoughts clearer. Because of that, I have taken to calling my best friend, Lida, who lives in Houston, most mornings. We have become "inspiration points" for each other. We share stories about what is currently happening, raise questions, discuss feelings--we've been friends for almost 35 years, know each other inside and out, and have total open communication. I am certain that those conversations have been life saving for me, and helped me make sense out of what often seems impossible to understand.
The best thing about these conversations is that I can see patterns emerge once I get out all the "facts"--which come out as I relate various things I'm working through that at the time may seem disparate. Here's how it played out for me this morning:
I woke up thinking about watching a few moments of an interview with John Kerry last night and wondering why we have to be so polarized in this country about politics and government. It almost seems like we are reliving the 60s, but this time the people taking to the streets protesting are the ultra conservatives, not the great unwashed youth population. Whenever I'm bothered about something, I look inside for the disowned part (love that Carl Jung!) and I realized that my polarized thinking wasn't about politics, actually, it was about being able to communicate with people. I get stuck in "this is good, this is bad" when I get frustrated about communicating. When mentally preparing myself for these upcoming crucial conversations, I caught myself internally saying, "Why can't they understand me? Why don't they just stop holding on to that belief that is keeping them stuck?" The problem with that is it doesn't take into consideration that we are all stuck in one way or another, and will be that way moment to moment throughout our lives, because the stuck points are the challenges, and we only work on them if they are "bad enough" to get our attention. And as we work through them, we get unstuck on those points, and immediately move to the next ones!
An eternal cycle, if you believe in infinity--which I absolutely do. Which means that I'm just as polarized as all those political thinkers. When I get frustrated about my "goods and bads"--if people wake up to their own self-limiting, self-sabotaging beliefs it is "good" and if they stay stuck by continuing to repeat ineffective behavior, it is "bad"--the fact that the subject is a little more esoteric than politics doesn't absolve me from facing that polarized thinking is my disowned part. And I am just as guilty of it as the left/right political debaters. They are mirroring to me exactly what I do.
Getting back to my upcoming crucial conversations: one is with a leader of a non-profit who is dedicated and fiercely committed to solving the problem the organization is addressing, but lacks the skill to speak about it publicly in a way that engages people in joining her cause. The other is with a client who keeps getting caught up in a "loser" attitude cycle--she works really hard, gives 100% to her job, then feels the upper management doesn't recognize it, treats her poorly, limits her ability to grow. My job is to help them see their patterns, appreciate the challenge and work through them to get to the next level, so they can keep going.
Until I saw the pattern this morning of how I was stuck in my own "goods and bads" over how I could get these two to understand what I wanted to say to them, I couldn't see how all three of us were expressing the same pattern. We're alike, but acting it out in three different forms.
The non-profit leader is frustrated in not getting enough community support to grow her organization. The client is frustrated in not getting enough corporate support to grow herself within the organization. And I am frustrated in not being able to communicate well enough with them to help them not be stuck--as if their being stuck is keeping me stuck.
The cosmic joke is that being stuck is what we can be grateful for! Being stuck is what gets our attention, keeps us working at it, fighting our way through it, searching, struggling, not stopping until we get that brief, fleeting moment of grace--the attainment of the thing we desire--and then immediately get thrust into the next frustrating, challenging episode.
What I realize is that I am just as prone to wanting things to "be all right"--right now--as everyone else. But the truth is, which I can see much more clearly from the vantage point of being in my early 60s, the truth is that life is about the pulsation of challenge, frustration, overcoming difficulties, moments of peace, grace and gratitude, then back out into the challenge. Living fully entails all that, and no one gets a "bye" or an "easy-out" of the human experience.
I love romantic stories where they live happily ever after--even though I know more challenges are ahead for them, I love to sit for a moment in the pleasure of a "happy ending."
BUT, the "happy ending" is the beginning of the next challenge. So being infatuated with reaching it is the very thing that keeps us from finding fulfillment in working through the difficulties, actually enjoying it!
I've been teaching that concept for years, but can see how I have been teaching it to learn it. The true sense of fulfillment comes from embracing that we ARE challenged, daily, weekly, minute by minute, not that we are somehow going to do enough work, try hard enough, that we reach a point of being able to relax and just live.
Thank God for Lida, who gives me a way to sort through my thoughts and see things. Thank God for feeling so frustrated and afraid that I won't be able to get where I want to go. If I didn't, I wouldn't pick up the phone and call her! I wouldn't have seen this.
And I wouldn't know what to say when I have my crucial conversations. But now I do. And I'm looking forward to it!
One of the advantages of living alone is that no one is around to distract me from doing my morning meditation, exercising, etc. But it also means that I don't have a handy sounding board for musing about things, talking aloud to get my thoughts clearer. Because of that, I have taken to calling my best friend, Lida, who lives in Houston, most mornings. We have become "inspiration points" for each other. We share stories about what is currently happening, raise questions, discuss feelings--we've been friends for almost 35 years, know each other inside and out, and have total open communication. I am certain that those conversations have been life saving for me, and helped me make sense out of what often seems impossible to understand.
The best thing about these conversations is that I can see patterns emerge once I get out all the "facts"--which come out as I relate various things I'm working through that at the time may seem disparate. Here's how it played out for me this morning:
I woke up thinking about watching a few moments of an interview with John Kerry last night and wondering why we have to be so polarized in this country about politics and government. It almost seems like we are reliving the 60s, but this time the people taking to the streets protesting are the ultra conservatives, not the great unwashed youth population. Whenever I'm bothered about something, I look inside for the disowned part (love that Carl Jung!) and I realized that my polarized thinking wasn't about politics, actually, it was about being able to communicate with people. I get stuck in "this is good, this is bad" when I get frustrated about communicating. When mentally preparing myself for these upcoming crucial conversations, I caught myself internally saying, "Why can't they understand me? Why don't they just stop holding on to that belief that is keeping them stuck?" The problem with that is it doesn't take into consideration that we are all stuck in one way or another, and will be that way moment to moment throughout our lives, because the stuck points are the challenges, and we only work on them if they are "bad enough" to get our attention. And as we work through them, we get unstuck on those points, and immediately move to the next ones!
An eternal cycle, if you believe in infinity--which I absolutely do. Which means that I'm just as polarized as all those political thinkers. When I get frustrated about my "goods and bads"--if people wake up to their own self-limiting, self-sabotaging beliefs it is "good" and if they stay stuck by continuing to repeat ineffective behavior, it is "bad"--the fact that the subject is a little more esoteric than politics doesn't absolve me from facing that polarized thinking is my disowned part. And I am just as guilty of it as the left/right political debaters. They are mirroring to me exactly what I do.
Getting back to my upcoming crucial conversations: one is with a leader of a non-profit who is dedicated and fiercely committed to solving the problem the organization is addressing, but lacks the skill to speak about it publicly in a way that engages people in joining her cause. The other is with a client who keeps getting caught up in a "loser" attitude cycle--she works really hard, gives 100% to her job, then feels the upper management doesn't recognize it, treats her poorly, limits her ability to grow. My job is to help them see their patterns, appreciate the challenge and work through them to get to the next level, so they can keep going.
Until I saw the pattern this morning of how I was stuck in my own "goods and bads" over how I could get these two to understand what I wanted to say to them, I couldn't see how all three of us were expressing the same pattern. We're alike, but acting it out in three different forms.
The non-profit leader is frustrated in not getting enough community support to grow her organization. The client is frustrated in not getting enough corporate support to grow herself within the organization. And I am frustrated in not being able to communicate well enough with them to help them not be stuck--as if their being stuck is keeping me stuck.
The cosmic joke is that being stuck is what we can be grateful for! Being stuck is what gets our attention, keeps us working at it, fighting our way through it, searching, struggling, not stopping until we get that brief, fleeting moment of grace--the attainment of the thing we desire--and then immediately get thrust into the next frustrating, challenging episode.
What I realize is that I am just as prone to wanting things to "be all right"--right now--as everyone else. But the truth is, which I can see much more clearly from the vantage point of being in my early 60s, the truth is that life is about the pulsation of challenge, frustration, overcoming difficulties, moments of peace, grace and gratitude, then back out into the challenge. Living fully entails all that, and no one gets a "bye" or an "easy-out" of the human experience.
I love romantic stories where they live happily ever after--even though I know more challenges are ahead for them, I love to sit for a moment in the pleasure of a "happy ending."
BUT, the "happy ending" is the beginning of the next challenge. So being infatuated with reaching it is the very thing that keeps us from finding fulfillment in working through the difficulties, actually enjoying it!
I've been teaching that concept for years, but can see how I have been teaching it to learn it. The true sense of fulfillment comes from embracing that we ARE challenged, daily, weekly, minute by minute, not that we are somehow going to do enough work, try hard enough, that we reach a point of being able to relax and just live.
Thank God for Lida, who gives me a way to sort through my thoughts and see things. Thank God for feeling so frustrated and afraid that I won't be able to get where I want to go. If I didn't, I wouldn't pick up the phone and call her! I wouldn't have seen this.
And I wouldn't know what to say when I have my crucial conversations. But now I do. And I'm looking forward to it!
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