Feeling Love

This morning I realized that with all the changes I've been experiencing lately, I find that my connections with my family and friends are more important than ever. I know I have had people and relationships high on my values list for a long time, but they seem to have taken first place over the past few months.

I spent so many years driving myself, working so much, taking on one project after another, and now that I live differently I have no desire to go back to the old way. I am so much more clear about what is important to me.

My friends and family have truly held my hand and helped me walk through facing myself and the difficult period I've been walking through. When I didn't think I could breathe, I called a friend for help. When I couldn't eat or sleep, I called a friend for help. I spent many afternoons at my mother's apartment just being with her, watching movies and comforting each other.

The best thing about all this is that I didn't even know how much more love I could feel until I became so humbled that I didn't seem to have the old armor up anymore. I'm sure I put a guard up inside me to protect my sensitive feelings when I was younger and scared to try to make it in the world. Having armor is a good way to steel ourselves to get through tough situations, so I am glad I had it.

I just don't need that heavy armor now. I'm okay with feeling fragile and vulnerable. Maybe it is because I have enough experience to know that no matter how hard things seem at any moment, those moments will pass and I will feel differently very soon. Thank God for getting older! For that I am deeply grateful.

Feeling the love I have toward others has come easily to me--but feeling their love in return has been harder for me to recognize. I was so busy trying so hard to live, and had so much internal armor, I know I didn't feel the affection and appreciation of others as much as I could have. So! Here's another reason to be grateful for the painful period I've been in, because I truly feel more love.

My Two Front Teeth

My best intentions don't always work out! I really meant to blog everyday, but yesterday seems to have slipped away...........

Yesterday I had the fun of visiting my dentist where I got to spend some more money for a metal device to make sure the next implant they put in my mouth goes in straight. When I was 18 years old I was in a big ugly car crash. My right foot was ripped off to the side, my back was injured, my right arm was badly broken, my face hit the dashboard and 30 years later I discovered that the roots of my two front teeth were resorbing and starting to eat away at my jaw bone. I had the first implant placed in 1994, which is still in place thank goodness. Then the second front tooth started falling out in 2003, so I had another implant put in. These are my top two front teeth--the ones little kids sing about wanting for Christmas....

Last year, the second implant started to have problems so we did a bone graft to try to save it, which didn't work. So this year, the second implant was removed on February 2nd and another bone graft was placed, then I had to wait four months to see if it would take. On July 14th I finally got the good news--it took! (I was so grateful that I burst into tears when the periodontist told me and he said no one had ever cried over a tooth before.... I told him I had been having some big challenges this year, and this was a bigger relief than he could imagine....) So now I have at least one more surgery to place the new implant with bone and tissue grafts--and the challenge is to be able to match the placement so when I spend a lot more money in a few months to get the permanent crowns placed for the implants that they will fit together and I will look like I have real front teeth.

I got to see myself for a moment without the teeth while the dentist was working on the metal thing, and I looked like a character in a scary movie--a metal spike jutting out of one part, the bare toothless gum right next to it. Amazing.

I think we take our bodies for granted. Not being able to walk well since I was 18 has made me accutely aware of what a blessing feet are. I've had lots of surgeries, culminating in ankle joint replacement in 2004, but I can walk! So each step I take feels like a tiny miracle.

And I marvel at people who don't floss their teeth, don't go to regular dental appointments--I feel like they would do it differently if they actually didn't have some of those little guys hanging around in their mouths.

At night, when I go to sleep and count my blessings, I know one of my biggest ones I have is this incredible body that functions more reliably than any computer or machine man has ever made.

And after spending the last 15 years or so dealing with the loss and gain of my two front teeth, spending thousands of dollars on surgeries and implants and more surgeries and more implants (I think of it as my $50,000 smile), not to mention the thousands on surgeries to keep my right foot moving, bring my body back from severe auto-immune issues, and all the other myriad body issues we all face as humans, I truly believe it is worth it to take really good care of this body I am blessed to inhabit.

I've learned to see my body as a feedback tool to keep me focused and on purpose, so taking care of it, listening to it, and being able to keep living in it totally work for me!

Paying Attention

One of the hardest things for me to remember is that I don't really know what anyone else is thinking about. Sure, I talk with people, and I think I know what they mean or what is behind what they say, but do I really?

I get into the most trouble when I imagine that the other person shares my values and thinks like I do. Then when they do something that goes completely against my values, I am surprised! Why do I do that?

The best reason I can figure out is that we so much want to feel connected with others that we hear some of what they say and make assumptions about the rest so we can feel a sort of synergy with them. It probably goes back to a childhood sense of neediness and we carry it with us as we grow and keep reaching out to find where we belong.

I'm realizing more each day that I make up stories about what is going on around me to justify being right about people. But I have come to a new decision: I'm going to stop thinking I know anything about anyone else and do the best I can to stay present and aware and listen to myself. If I really listen to myself then I might be able to hear others differently (sounds paradoxical but it makes sense to me).

By listening to my inner voice first, maybe I'll have a better chance of discerning what someone else is really saying--and looking for clues about what their values really are--so I can better understand what they want and what they are up to. And all this time I thought I was a good listener!

Making Progress

I just spent an amazing weekend. Working with John Demartini is inspiring, challenging and catalytic. I feel more in touch with my inner self.

I'm inspired to take more classes and do even more daily work on myself. I feel challenged to take a harder look at the stories I make up about myself, others and situations, and ask myself more questions to determine whether my thinking is truly in line with my values and my higher purpose or if I am subordinating myself to others because I believe they know more than I do. And I am catalyzed to move forward on ideas I have, things I want to write and work I would love to do.

I can see more clearly that this latest most challenging period of my life has served as a wake-up call to really pay attention, be clear about my intentions, and really listen to what others are saying and doing. Just because they say things, doesn't mean they will do them. And when they don't do them, then that is a red alert to rethink the situation!

Just because people tell you they are on your team, it doesn't actually mean that they are.

I feel I have been given an opportunity to look for the divine order in the midst of great difficulty and pain, and I am finding it. It isn't easy to walk this path, but I truly believe it is worth it. And I am deeply grateful to be reminded that my inner voice is the one to listen to, even when the voices on the outside sound bigger and more seductive than mine. When I listen more to my inner voice, I live more on my true path and follow my higher purpose.

Loving What Is

I am in the middle of a two day class called The Breakthrough Experience with Dr. John Demartini. I love being emmersed in the study of universal principles and how they apply to our daily lives. And I love even more spending a weekend with a group of people from all walks of life who earnestly desire to face their inner challenges and find a way to love what is as it is.

Last night I watched a couple find the beauty and blessing of having what they previously perceived was a difficult child. They found out she was a catalyst for change and helped keep the family dynamic going, even when they saw her as a problem.

I watched sons find the blessings of difficult relationships with their mothers, and daughters realize that the behavior they thought was so cruel and damaging by their fathers was actually a form of love that helped them grow into the amazing women they are today.

Transformational work is not for everyone--it requires a tremendous amount of depth and honesty to go inside ourselves, find the traits we despise or are repelled by in others and see where we have those same traits to the same degree, then find the benefits of having experienced those traits through difficult situations. It takes courage and discipline, and a willingness to go beyond our assumptions, break our myths and expand our consciousnesses.

And it is so worth the effort! I have worked with Dr. Demartini for 10 years now, and have yet to find any other tools that are as effective as the Demartini Method. I hope more people will visit his website, www.drdemartini.com and explore what he has to offer. It is life altering.

Thank You, John Demartini

Last night I spent a few hours with my teacher and mentor, Dr. John F. Demartini. He gave a talk on his new book, FROM STRESS TO SUCCESS. Listening to him bring out the universal principles that I have been studying with him for 10 years was so helpful.

He reminded me of one very important truth: We're not victims of our history; we're getting feedback to master our destiny. So, all the things we don't like that happened in the past (a minute ago, yesterday, last year, etc.) are actually bits of feedback to inform how we create our next minute, day, week, year, etc.

The other gem I recognized is that stress levels have a lot to do with not seeing the value of what we have. When we focus on what we perceive we don't have, or think we need that we can't get, then we just haven't looked for the form we already have it in. I know this principle, but I can see now that I have some work to do to truly apply it in my daily life.

So, off to a much different day today than yesterday, and I look forward to seeing what I'm thinking and recognizing as the day progresses.

Talking to God

In living through what seems to be the biggest challenge of my life, I have come to realize that I must be much more creative in how I start each day, since I have waked up in a panic for several weeks now. I mostly start out with my regular meditation--saying my life vision statement and affirmations. Sometimes I am in such a state, I can't get the words clear enough in my mind to say them, even though I have them memorized.

I talked with my sister Rachael yesterday, and she again encouraged me to see that this is truly a spiritual journey, one that cannot be dealt with in psychological terms. The tools I have help, but they are not enough. Talking to God is what seems to help the most.

She suggested I look at Psalm 130, and I did. It is very comforting. Then this morning I started thinking about Psalm 23. So I've printed them up now, and am going to read them over and over. I find comfort in the sense of a deeper connection to all the human beings throughout our history who have struggled and found comfort in these same words. For thousand of years, these words have been repeated. That has to mean something.

For someone who has felt a deep connection to God for most of my life, the most difficult part of this crisis I have been living out is that I felt somehow separate from God. How could this be? How could I lose my footing like that? How could I not be able to quickly connect to my center point?

Fear and Panic have seemed to be more powerful than my own will. Now I know this isn't actually possible, but it IS what I experienced. So now I have decided to tackle this problem in a more concentrated spiritual way. I'm going to keep talking to God in as many ways as I can find, and I fervently hope to find my way back to that feeling of certainty that I have God to rely on, to lean on, to guide me through my dark hours of the soul.

I truly know that deepening my commitment to finding God in this situation is a blessing in itself. I have said over and over, "Where is God Not?" But living that truth is sometimes harder than I ever imagined.

To keep going is the only way I know, so that is what I am doing. Thank you, God, for the strength to keep going and the opportunity to keep growing.

Facing Myself

When I set up my blog, I thought I would be writing fairly frequently, and yet I find that I can only write when I feel inspired..... And lately, my inspiration level has been very low. Over the past several weeks, I have discovered just how completely and utterly human I am, and the process of accepting this fact, and learning how to live through it and how to move forward is the most daunting I have ever faced.

I found out a business associate is a fraud, and that she defrauded me and others out of a great deal of money. I still can't quite believe it. I still can't believe how foolish I have been. I find myself bouncing around in every possible emotional state: shame, disgust, fear, panic, a glimmer of hope that something might be redeeming about this situation, then back to guilt, fear and panic. Many have helped me through this, and I am so grateful for my family and friends that are standing beside me, holding my hand and helping me work through this.

It is a testament to what I have actually built in my life that these people don't have the same low opinion of me that I do at this point. I know I am a "good person" and I know that I had no intention of this happening. I still feel responsible for it because it happened to me. I have such a sense of responsibility in life, I can't even spend a lot of energy angry and blame-throwing toward this person. She is playing a role in this, no doubt, and she deserves to pay for what she has done. I have no idea if there is any legal recourse for this, a she is very clever and deceptive, and tells a really good sob story. So the only actual legal recourse may be Divine Justice.

I have believed in Divine Justice since I was very young. I have believed that we are in a beautifully ordered Divine Universe governed by Infinite Intelligence since I was able to formulate the concept as a child, albeit I didn't learn how to call it that until I studied as I got older. But inside, I knew there was a God, and that God was inside me, and every other person on the planet.

Dealing with a situation like this has triggered all sorts of self-doubt, questioning what I did to get myself into this problem, sometimes frantic searching for some semblance of reason to be able to live with myself. I have valued being self-sufficient, taking care of myself financially for a long time. Is God teaching me to value something else more? I think so, but the pain of feeling I have screwed up is sometimes more than I think I can bear.

But I do bear it. I keep going to sleep and waking up each day and I'm still here. I reach out to friends and talk it through. One friend has become the voice of God for me. She listens to me in pain, she responds to me as if God were talking. She says things like, "I'm here for you. I am always with you. I love you. I understand you." Isn't that what God is for us? A presence, a force of nature that is undaunted by human experience--that can hold us close and comfort us as we sometimes crawl through life?

I find it very difficult to talk about this problem with very many people. It triggers a sense of panic that seems uncontrollable. But the paradox is that when I do admit what I am living through, and I let people see how painful it is, how hard a time I am having, we seem to connect on a deeper level and I feel a closer friendship with them.

So I'm trusting that God is leading me through a transformation from one kind of woman to another. This new woman doesn't think she has her life handled. This new woman uncertain about some things. She is fragile. She is scared. She is vulnerable.

The other interesting thing I see is that if a client calls, I'm sort of "on it" in that I am able to cut through their issues and work with them to help them see another way to handle their situations. I have had concerns that this crisis would so debilitate me that I couldn't coach people. But I am actually doing fine when I work. And the added benefit I see is that I feel so much more deeply what they are feeling, and care so much more deeply about them. I know I cared about my clients before, this just seems like more.

So, I do understand the good/bad/good/bad of living through this difficult time. I haven't fallen apart in complete despair. I am certain I will feel differently about all of this in a few months, a year--by then I will have a clearer perspective, a deeper understanding of the lessons I'm learning right now.

What I do know is that I am more deeply grateful for my family and friends than I dreamed I could be. The feeling goes down to my core and comforts me even when I am so scared and panicky that I don't know if I can breathe. I still feel them with me. That feeling is worth more than money, and I know it is a big part of what I am learning here. I also know that the more grateful I can be, the more I have a chance to get back into balance. So I am looking each day for more and more to be grateful for.

So, thank you God for giving me such a tremendous opportunity to grow. I'm going to talk about this in my blog, because this morning I woke up realizing that if I don't write about this, I may not be able to get off the merry-go-round of self-flagellation and move forward into what my life is becoming. Maybe if I write every morning, I will be able to make more sense of this and my progress will seem more real.

I sure hope so!