Life Entrepreneurs Look at the Bigger Picture When Faced with Loss

This morning Tori asked me when we're going to move.

She feels devastated about Hillary.  Her middle school voted 67% to elect her in their mock balloting, and only 17% for Trump.  I told her we have had worse Presidents.  She asked, "did George Bush talk about women the way Trump does?"

My response to her:  "in a situation like this, if you want to grow the power of women, start inside yourself."

My first take on the election results was shock and dismay--to my core.  I really didn't want to believe it.  I have had other times in my life when I didn't want to believe something--like the time a financial agent stole my retirement fund, like the time when I realized the man I was living with was actually a racist, bigoted person who wore a facade of generosity and good will.

Those times don't really equal this, mainly because my shock and dismay is more than personal.  It includes my desire for the well being of humankind and our planet.

So here are other thoughts that surfaced this morning:

• many people spoke of a "post racism era" after the Obamas won the election, however, as we have seen by the way that this President was blocked at every turn, a racial component was a factor, so clearly, that is not the case
• we are witnessing the slow, painful death of Patriarchy
• it is taking longer than we would like
• it is not just about masculine dominance
• it is about the blustering, noisy, dragon-like egocentric masculine energy that thrives on fear and blame to keep the status quo
• women who believe they benefit from that status quo being kept have been lulled into believing that they are protected by it
• self-actualizing women and people of color threaten that 
• the world is changing faster than they realize
• the global economy is a reality, whether they like it or not
• the need to blame, condemn and vilify those who step up and work from a higher purpose is inherent in human nature
• true change takes decades, not months or years
• when the majority of children ages 12 to 14 embrace change, it means in a decade, their voices will be louder than the voices of fear and doubt
• I refuse to give in to fear and turn around and blame Trump for it.  He is an expression of the fear-based thinking of the people in our country who feel disenfranchised and left out of the political arena.  
• In some ways, they are right.  
• But it is not only the Democratic Party that has left them out. 
• The political system in gridlock is creating a strangling bottleneck for all aspects of growth--our infrastructure needs attention, industries that are no longer dominant need to evolve into something else, the people who hold onto their wealth in order to correct social ills instead of contribute that wealth to ease those ills may be in for a rude awakening.
• When change is vitally needed, many look for a Savior, someone who will "lead them from the wilderness."  
• This is part of the human mythology that has been passed on for centuries.  
• But as we actually know, anytime someone is seen to be a Savior, he/she is vilified, condemned and feared by those who don't agree with the "chosen" one.
• I don't know what the next four years will look like, but I know they are going to be different from what any of us can even imagine at this point.  And I cannot shake the same belief I have held since my first awareness of being part of the world:
• I believe in the human potential.  Time and time again we have seen devastating situations turned into something we learn from, grow from and eventually benefit from.  
• I believe in Tori and her Mosaic generation--they don't base their values on color, gender, sexual preference or popularity.  
• They challenge and support each other to be better people.  
• They pay more attention to what is going on in the world than I did at their age.  
• They are savvy, courageous, immature yet willing to learn and grow.  
• These kids are our future, and I don't think Tori and her friends will ever forget what happened yesterday.  
• They will question, and demand change.  
• They won't sit down and wait for someone to save them.  
• They will save themselves, and that will save all of us.

Dear Hillary,

Thank you for being the woman you are.  You have been a role model for me since I first heard about you.  I have the same concerns you have, that all people, especially children, deserve to have a chance at the life they would love to live.  I appreciate your diligence and dedication to the betterment of humankind.

I can see you being President!  I am so looking forward to seeing all the things you will initiate and achieve as President of the United States.  I was amazed and proud when The Dallas Morning News, my local paper, endorsed you, a Democrat last week.  It was the first time in 75 years that they did not endorse a Republican for President.

I ran a manufacturer's rep agency for 29 years in a male dominated, highly competitive market (commercial food service equipment).  I was the only woman in my position in the entire country in the late 70s and early 80s.  It was a constant struggle to be seen as competent, able to manage not only the running of the business but the political challenges of dealing with the somewhat autocratic, male authorities who made the decisions about whether we would be hired or fired as representatives.  I had to keep a balance between being politically correct enough to keep the line, and being able to build the company I wanted to build--with respect for my employees and a willingness to do things differently. Through the years (I sold the company in 2006) I watched how you handled people and difficult situations.  You inspired me to stay strong, follow my inner voice and do the right things for the right reason.

When I was involved in the Make Mine a Million $ Business program with Count Me In for Women's Economic Independence, I listened to you speak to the women entrepreneurs, encouraging them to stay the course, build quality businesses and keep standing up, being counted.  You have been an inspiring role model to all of us for decades.

With that in mind, I have a few suggestions that you might want to consider:

•      Please keep reminding the American people that we live in the greatest country in the world, that we have unlimited opportunities here to meet the challenges of the 21st Century, the people, the wealth and the resources are available.  We just need to change the way we go about it--include more diverse voices, bring equality into reality.
•      Please disregard the puerile, inane babblings of your opponent.  He doesn't deserve your attention.  He is irrelevant to what you and those of us who fervently support you are about!  He is a master at deceptive, manipulative tactics to keep the conversation away from the serious issues we are facing in our efforts to make the dream of actual equality a reality.
•      I have an image of you at the upcoming debate, standing calmly, with the peaceful dignity and presence of a Sphinx, a slight smile on your face, waiting patiently for him to finish ranting and raving.  And when it is your turn, you simply state the truth--what you and the American people truly value and respect:
•      That no matter what color, race, gender, sexual orientation, economic background or social standing, all people deserve the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in this country. That you are standing before us to lead the way to that end.  That nothing can daunt you from that path.
•      You like all productive, responsible women, put family and country first.  You don't let the opinion of others or their hateful attacks deter you from your journey.
•      Women who stand up, do what they believe in, keep going no matter what, are a threat to those who don't understand them.  You have never let that derail your efforts to achieve your goals.  Please ignore your detractors.  We need you to win!
•      Please change the game by making your own rules.  I see no reason for you to defend yourself against insanity--why bother?  Just keep telling like it is.  What I mean is this:
•      Although I was incredibly disappointed when you did not win the primary in 2008, I now see the historical significance of Obama's presidency.  He has enabled all colors and types of people to move further along the path of equality.  I heard the next generation referred to as the Mosaics--children today do not think about the different colors of faces, they think more about the qualities and characters of the people with whom they associate.  The Obamas have made a lasting contribution to our society.  I am deeply grateful to them.
•      It is vital to our country that the quality of leadership we have had over the last 8 years be continued and expanded.  You are the person to do that.  You have the depth of knowledge, experience and wisdom to bring about the changes that need to continue.
•      When people say your opponent is about change and you aren't, all you need to say is this: Change is constant, and we are all change agents.  The changes we are making in our political structure, our society are long term efforts.  We are on a path toward equality, toward rebuilding our infrastructure, toward contributing to a fair and dynamic global economy.  To continue that change takes courage, commitment and dedication, all of which you have in spades.  Next question!

I live in the Dallas area and yes, there are supporters of your opponent here.  But there are also thousands of white, black Asian and Hispanic people who can't wait to get to the polls to vote for you. People tell me they wish they could vote TODAY to elect you.  They need you to stand tall, keep showing us what graceful, elegant dignity looks like.  That is the real Hillary, and I appreciate and support you with all my heart.

Thank you for considering my thoughts.    

Life Entrepreneurs Face the Truth

I rarely discuss my political views because it can easily create reactions and turmoil around me, which is not my intent.  However, in this political year, with so much rhetoric and divisiveness swirling around me, I feel compelled to speak out.

I whole-hardheartedly support Hillary for President.

And I understand why so many young people have joined the Bernie Sanders movement, as they are frustrated and disappointed by the political system as it stands today.  And I'm very glad that Bernie is raising the bar for accountability in questioning that system.

The problem is this:  once the "revolution" has been achieved, we will need to get back to the business of real change in how our country is governed, and that takes slow, painstaking effort--not yelling and screaming, not protesting and blocking, but working together with all parties to come to some sort of agreement that will allow these changes to become part of our social fabric.

I was a "revolutionary" in the late 60s.  I protested the war in Viet Nam.  I got arrested for trying to open admissions to black people at an almost entirely white university in Texas that was a state run institution.  I stood with my friends in horror of the exclusion of so many in our society to the basic benefits that the more privileged people enjoyed.

By the time I was 23 years old, I had learned that standing on a soap box and shouting about change didn't actually effect change.  And I have been grateful since then because it allowed me to work within our society to actually do the things that make a difference.

I remember how excited people were to elect Obama--dreaming of dramatic changes to our government and our country.  The Congress was also run by a majority of Democrats.  What ensued was the worse period of gridlock I can remember.

I don't believe that is an indictment of Obama.  Yes, he has some things to learn about building coalitions, and maybe could have done more, but I recall reading about how many meetings he tried to have with his opponents.  They refused to hear him out.  They refused to work toward healing the rifts.  They stubbornly dug in their heels and blocked effort after effort to solve problems.

This is exactly what will happen if we elect someone with big dreamer ideas and no clear path for creating the compromises necessary to move people toward real solutions.

In building my business, I consistently had to work with people I didn't agree with.  I had to find common ground.  I had to keep my eye on the bigger vision, to keep a perspective that understood where they were coming from, how to create a win-win for both of us.

That required a lot of soul searching about whether I wanted to be "right" or really right.  Whether I wanted to win my point or win for the business.

So the question today is this:  Do we want to win for ourselves or win for our country?  Do we want to risk allowing exclusionary, racist, sexist, zealous religious discrimination to further set back the progress we have made as a nation?  Or do we want someone with wisdom, experience and the uncanny ability to engage people in conversation about real solutions to overwhelming problems?

I'm choosing Hillary because she represents the latter to me.  I want to see us continue to grow together, not become more divided.

Life Entrepreneurs Embrace Love in All Forms

Most people think about love in terms of finding it and keeping it--as if the lack of it is something to be unhappy about.

What if you could see that you cannot possibly lack love if you already are love?

What if you could see that love simply is, and you are the source of it for yourself?

How would that be possible?

First, you would have to expand your notion of what love is.  In working with my clients, I often help them understand the infinite intelligence and divine universe they are surrounded by in a visceral way:  I ask them to lean back into my arms, as I hold them up from behind.  The more they can relax and let go, the more they feel supported.

That constant support, that in actuality is ever present, is love.  It is a presence of support, even when it looks like a challenge.  It may seem counter-intuitive, however, the very thing that challenges you to the core of your being is also the greatest support in life it is possible to receive.

When you are stretched, emotionally and mentally, to the edge of your capacity, it is actually the supportive, ever present infinite intelligence in the universe pushing you to go beyond where you thought you could go, to find the inner strength and resources to come up with a solution, with a way to manage the situation.

One form could be reaching out for help.

One form could be going quiet and re-cognizing what you already know, reminding yourself of some truth that you have lost track of.

One form could be to rest and regroup, detach yourself enough to see the bigger picture.

Those examples are self-love, in a few of the innumerable forms love shows up in your life.

I believe that it is impossible to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with another if you do not love yourself.  I think that is why so many people live in relationships unhappily.  They feel love for the other person, but at the same time, feel disconnected from them, unable to fully speak their truth, lonely in the presence of the other.

When you love yourself, love that you are part of a magnificent universe that is just bigger love, when you can see that there are good and bad things about you, and that those paradoxes are also love, that they are just expressions of the multi-facets of the forms love shows up, then you start to see others differently.  You are more able to appreciate them for who they are, not who you want them to be.

You feel more connected to your inner self, others, and to the infinite intelligence that we are part and parcel of.  You stop thinking you have to find love to be fulfilled, you start realizing that when you embrace the forms of love that are ever present in your life, you gain a conscious awareness of being fulfilled that no "other" can ever take from you, nor can you feel a lack of, except when you lose sight of it within yourself.

That's a way to make every day Valentine's Day for yourself.

Love it!

New Year, New You!

The idea of making New Year's Resolutions started centuries ago, yet in my experience these commitments are very difficult to live up to.  Instead of setting ourselves up for some level of failure, why not look at the new year as an adventure, an exploration of renewal and re-energizing?

Most "Resolutions" are based on what we wish we would have done....  Why carry the baggage of the past into the new year?  Why spend a lot of time second guessing ourselves about what we could have done differently?  Why spend energy on regret?

So here are some questions you could ask yourself instead:

• Did I do everything I could with what I was given?
• Was I honest about my feelings with the people that are important to me?
• What kinds of choices did I make that worked for me?
• Did I listen to my inner voice or spend more energy reacting to what others said or did?

Then take those answers and let them lead you down a new path, in a new direction.

It doesn't have to be a drastic change on the outside, I'm talking about changing how you see things from the inside.  Some examples:

• Do you often hear yourself saying, "this is just the way I am"?
• Try asking if that is true...
• Then ask yourself what you get from holding on to that self image...
• Is it a defense mechanism?
• Is it your excuse to not look for ways to compromise and harmonize with others
• How often do you say, either out loud or in your thoughts,, "I can't handle this!"?
• Is that true?
• Is it another excuse--this time one that let's you off the hook?
• How much could you grow, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, if you faced whatever challenge you wanted to avoid?
• Is the idea of pushing yourself to greater heights so difficult to accept?
• Are you afraid if you push yourself you will fail?
• Have you ever really let yourself explore what it would be like to live fully for yourself, giving yourself the opportunity to say what you want, what you think, what you believe?
• Most of us edit ourselves to be more palatable to others.
• Most of us are exhausted by keeping our true selves compressed, tapped down, so as to remain likable, fearful that we will lose something if we are too authentic.
• Most of us do some form of self-medicating to ease the stress of constant approval seeking and hiding our true thoughts and ideas to that end.

As Marianne Williamson stated many years ago, we serve the world by shining, not shrinking.  It was a call to awaken that sleeping giant inside all of us and let it out into the world--perhaps clumsily at first, but gradually learning to navigate the human experience from a place of authenticity, honesty, and self-appreciation.

Who could you be if you let your light shine forth?  What contributions great and small could you be making?  This new you, living fully, could be making a much greater difference in peoples' lives than you realize.

I invite you to consider this journey of exploration.  Who knows what you will find out?

Life Entrepreneurs Give to Others and Give to Themselves

Giving and receiving are the words of this season:  is one "better" than the other?

No!  To me, that is an antiquated way of looking at it.

People rushing around to find the "right" gift, to do the "right" thing for their families~it is exhausting and energy draining.  And once it is over, very anti-climactic!

So here are my recommendations for the upcoming days:

• make sure you pay attention to balance

• whatever you do for others, find an equal way to do something for yourself~it doesn't have to be the same thing, just the same amount of importance

• ask more questions:  why are you doing this?  is it really necessary?  is this what I truly want? what is the benefit for myself and others?  

• become the observer:  pay attention to what others say and do; notice what you say and do; ask questions about it~are you being authentic or are you pleasing others to make sure they like you?

• watch how much you drink.  Many times we are in social situations and in order to feel comfortable we drink or eat just to calm ourselves, then we wish we hadn't done it.  One glass of wine might be sociable.  Two or three glasses of wine might impair your ability to be the observer....

• sometimes we do so much for others that we secretly feel we need a reward~which we give ourselves with food.  Are you eating to reward yourself or are you eating for the healthy nourishment you are giving yourself?  There really is a difference!  One piece of really good chocolate could be nourishment.  A huge bag of M&Ms or a whole pint of ice cream might be a way to feel better because you haven't actually taken care of yourself~and then you feel guilty and sort of foolish afterward!

• only accept the invitations that truly interest you.  You can start today cultivating the friends and experiences that add to your life, enrich your life, and that you feel you are truly engaging with.  This way, you are giving your energy in a worthwhile direction, people get as much out of knowing you as you get out of knowing them!

• Keep checking in on your values and beliefs~as they may be shifting.  You may discover that things you think you value really aren't that important to you, and you may notice that the things you truly value are where you naturally gravitate toward. 

• If you think you believe something, ask yourself why~where did the belief come from?  Your childhood?  Your social circle?  Your religious upbringing?

• Is it really what you believe, or are you simply doing things the way you've always done them?

• Remember that the greatest gift you can give your family, your friends, your community and the world is your authentic self, empowered to live from the inside out, telling the truth without blame or judgment, being open to outcome, not attached to outcome.

Happy Holidays!

Life Entrepreneurs Age Gracefully

Have you ever lied about your age?  When I was younger I wanted to be older. As I got older, I kept being reminded, through what I saw on TV, movies and the media, that staying young looking was something to work at constantly.

So many women in the entertainment and news fields have that stretched-face look--smooth cheeks that drop off into gradually wrinkling necks.  Women have been taught to fear aging, to deny their truth and do whatever it takes to appear youthful.

Why?  What is so horrible about being older?  Isn't the alternative that you simply aren't here any more?  Is that preferable?

I once sat next to a woman who seemed to be about sixty at a charity luncheon.  She was impeccably dressed, perfect hair and make-up.  Then she spoke, and I could tell she was much older than she looked.  And when she rose from the table, I could tell she was more feeble in her body than her face let on.  She wobbled, she held on to the chair until she got her bearings, then slowly walked away. She was eighty, at least, and everything about her told me that. Except her face.

That seems so sad to me.  

Yes, there are many of us out here in the big world who are content to be a little more wrinkled, have gray hair, be a little more plump in certain spots.  I'm not advocating letting everything go, mind you, but I have really enjoyed not being obsessed with whether the scale reads five pounds more or less.  I have enjoyed being interested in what I think about those around me, rather than what they think about what I look like.

At sixty-eight, I am comfortable in my own skin, happy to be alive and well.

I do swim aerobics, I walk, I eat a very balanced diet, I get enough sleep, I take care of myself.  And if someone thinks I should color my hair, that is their problem, not mine!  

My mother is one of the role models for me.  At almost ninety-one, she dresses well each day, keeps her beautiful white hair styled nicely, takes really good care of herself, and lets herself be who she is. I am so grateful that she has shown me how to age gracefully.

I have learned that health is more a state of mind than a state of body.  Our bodies were not meant to last forever.  We can take advantage of the wonderful services offered by healers, and keep them strong and vibrant to a great degree.  But no one can defy the effects of age completely.

Because of that, We can decide to embrace age, instead of fighting age. Take a little more time to rest.  If you get the sniffles, try rest. Make sure to take the things that boost your health, like vitamins and minerals.  Stay active, but don't overdo. Instead of trying to be younger, try living life as it is.

Most important is to work on our inner selves--find our true voice, speak our truth, live our truth. There are myriad books, tapes, teachers and healers available that can help us tap into the incredible wealth of value and beauty that is inside each of us.  Doing that gives us more than youth--it gives us energy, vitality and a power of presence that radiates from within out.

You might be surprised at how much more fun life becomes when you live it fully!

Life Entrepreneurs Continue to Reinvent Themselves

Today I turned 68 years old, and I have more than I ever imagined to celebrate!

Six years ago at this time I was still reeling from having discovered that the financial person I had trusted and utilized for my investments had stolen the money and lived on it, instead of investing it, and so had to face that I had been taken in by my own little Bernie Madoff.

I was devastated, had no more savings, just my current assets. After making this discovery in June of '09, I pulled myself together by July, gathered my wits and my paperwork and called the FBI.  They wanted copies of everything I had (3 inch stack of papers, emails, etc.) and I met with them at the big FBI building right off I-35 and Northwest Highway.

It was scary.  I was full of shame that I had been fooled and gotten myself into this situation.  I couldn't let the shame take over, because I knew I had to take action. The FBI agents warned me not to tell anyone publicly what I was doing with them because they wanted to catch this person by surprise.

I wrote blogs about going through a difficult time, but I couldn't write about the actual crisis I was dealing with.  I learned how to say things without giving away the whole story, because I really needed that outlet to express my feelings.

As the investigation went on, the FBI told me that this person had committed so many crimes, and hurt so many people, I had nothing to be ashamed of. She was an accomplished sociopath that had fooled everyone.  They did catch her, and she has been in jail since 2011.  The whole story flooded back to me last week when I got a note from the Department of Justice saying she would be out of jail in 2016 and on probation for 2 years after that.  I felt nauseated, but it passed, and now I'm just glad I am well out of that difficulty.

In June, July and August of 2009 I had to call my best friend Lida in Houston so she could help me get out of bed each morning.  She would insist that I recite my Life Vision Statement each morning--which seemed like empty words--until I started believing in myself again.  By that fall, I slowly started coming back alive.

I had to tell my friends what was going on because I was walking around like a ghost, not remembering to call them, take time with them etc.  One of my best friends was very upset because she was going through a devastating time with her grandchildren and she didn't understand why I hadn't been with her.  When I told her my story, we cried together, and I vowed to not let my love for my friends be overshadowed by my shame and fear that I couldn't pull myself out of this.

My friends were amazing.  They helped me keep going.  My family was supportive and gave me the love and encouragement I needed to stand up and move forward.  I felt more love from my mother than I ever had.

All of the myths I had been living with fell apart.  I realized I had seen myself as successful more because of the money I had than for who I am in the world.  I had to revisit all the exercises about wealth and abundance that I had given my clients over the years and find my new source of wealth and abundance--my friends and family, my love and wisdom, my ability to teach and do what I love, all of which I came to see are my true wealth and the value I have for myself which is reflected by what I have expressed around me.

Fast forward to six years later:  I have a new life that I wouldn't exchange for anything.  I have broken patterns that I may have been carrying around for centuries.  I understand myself better, see what I really want in life and am living it to the fullest.

If I never work another day, I have enough money to live on.  I have saved what I need, I have been careful with what I spend, and I take care of myself mentally, physically and most important, spiritually.  I am so grateful for all of it--the good and the bad that got me where I am today.

Today I'm the mom for a precious 12--almost 13--year old girl.  She has become so important to me that I can't imagine my life without her.  I am living in a house I love, fixing it up so it feels exactly right for us.  My darling friend Jennifer has rented part of our house and become just as much part of our crazy family as Tori and I are.  The three of us (ages 68, 35 and 12) make up an unusual but very functional family unit.  Throw in my almost 91 year old mother who lives in a retirement community nearby and we have 4 generations of love, wisdom and learning.

"Losing" the money helped me find more of me.  Ending my last relationship gained me an adopted granddaughter that brings light and joy, challenge and growth on a daily basis.  Facing up to my own "stuff" gives me a wealth of knowledge to pass on to my clients and friends.

What a great place to be!  And thanks to all of you out there who have been a part of it.

Love you!

A New Mom at 67! Life Entrepreneurs Learn to Stand Up and Be Strong

I sure am grateful that I love a good challenge--because this new life would be impossible if I didn't!

The transition of living with Wade and Sammy to living with just Tori has been taking up all my time.  Plus, some of my challenges have been so difficult, I wasn't sure what to write exactly.

First challenge was the house I bought.  Lots of problems, all fixable, but taking lots of time and money that I didn't expect.  There have been days when it felt like I was just opening a vein and pouring out dollars.  But I can handle it, just takes some Zen-attitude and lots of patience.

Tori, on the other hand, has been quite a handful.  Yes, I knew I was taking on a "tween"--and yes, I knew that going into adolescence would be difficult for both of us.

What I didn't expect was for her to turn on me.  I have said all along that this situation is as good for me and my growth as it is for her, yet I have had days when I wasn't sure I could do it.  Doesn't mean I wanted to give up, I just wasn't sure what to do!

Thank goodness for Dena, our family therapist at the Momentous Institute.  She has been a rock of support and encouragement.

The change in Tori came overnight.  One day she was happy and grateful to be here, the next day she was sullen, hateful, angry and wanted to be anywhere but here.  I know part of it is grief.  I am coming to understand that children deal with grief very differently from adults.  There were so many changes over the last year, she really didn't have the space to process her grief.

Now that she is in a stable, safe and predictable environment, it seems the floodgates have opened for many pent-up emotions.  I'm really glad she is expressing them, but when it got directed at me, it was really hard.

I uprooted and changed my whole life to take care of this girl.  I can't expect her to understand what that means entirely--she probably will have many aha moments about it when she's 35 and trying to work and raise kids.  So I don't expect her to get it.  It could be a little of my ego here, we all have that little martyr voice inside that says, "after all I've done for you...."

Mostly I have felt sad for us to feel estranged.  Right now, we are the primary people here for each other.  I don't want her to not have her feelings.  But I have mine too, and they were hurt!

Dena has helped us a lot.  We have had two very tough therapy sessions where we both spoke up and said things we didn't know how to say when we were alone with each other.  I didn't really expect this to happen, but in the second session, just this last week, I found myself telling Tori that I am not going to live like this.  I'm just not going to do it.

It felt so great to stand up for myself with her!  I told her that I feel a deep responsibility to model behavior to her, and that I won't let her think that it is all right for her to be so mean to me.  (She had hardly spoken to me over the last two weeks, and when she did, it was with angry, accusatory-type language.)

I told her I understood that mothers and daughters fight with each other, but I'm not her mother, I'm someone who has chosen to take care of her and be there for her, and I love myself too much to allow her to treat me in an abusive manner.

I didn't have a solution, I just knew I couldn't accept what was happening. Fortunately, Dena helped us negotiate some things.  She helped Tori understand that if she wants things from me, permission to go places and do things, then she needs to show me she is willing to be respectful.  She explained that if she changed her attitude, she would be much more likely to get what she wants.

I had tried to say the same things to her, but in the context of us working together, she truly heard Dena and made some different choices, almost immediately.  By the next day, we were talking again. She wanted some more art supplies, and I took her to the store.  She was polite, and I cooperated.

Seems simplistic in the writing of this, but it didn't feel like it as we were walking through it.

Her big thing is that she wants to color her hair.  I really don't know if that is something advisable for a 12 year old--so I'm taking clues from Dena about it. Her position is that it is very common, and it would be good for Tori to feel she can choose that.  But it needs to be contingent on her behavior toward me.  If she wants to do it, she needs to show me at least one week of politeness.

So far so good.  We still have a few days to go to the next session with Dena, and I've told Tori that we will make the decision there.  She seems to be able to work with that.

For me, the most important part of this is that I am finding a way to stand up for myself and not walk away from a really tough situation.  In my past, I haven't actually found a man that was worth my effort to do that.  Turns out this girl, for me, is definitely worth whatever it takes.

Feels good.

A New Mom at 67! Life Entrepreneurs Create Families in Unique Ways

This is a long blog, but it seems the best way to let my friends know what is going on--big change just happened!

2014 was a challenging year.  So challenging that I haven't been able to write much about it--too much in the middle of it.

By January I had realized that Wade and I were not really a good fit.  I could go on and on about it, but suffice it to say our styles of living just didn't click.  I had started looking for other places to live, sort of gearing myself up to make yet another life change.

Then early evening on on February 3rd we got the call that changed everything: Wade's son-in-law, Bill, had committed suicide leaving two children with no parents.  Wade's daughter, Ginger, had died in August of 2009.

At the time Sam was 14 and Tori was 11.  As I've written before, we ended up with the kids, and after a month or so of working out all kinds of legal stuff, Wade became their Conservator.

We worked really hard, all of us, to settle into a family.  For the first few months, Sammy kept a distance, playing video games, not talking a lot.  Tori and I started bonding fairly quickly.  She had not ever really had a mother, as Ginger was very ill for most of her life and then died before she turned 7.  There were really tough times over helping Tori learn math--as she had skated through school really not learning any of the basics.  We went from her barely working on the 2nd grade level to the point where she could actually pass most of the 5th grade requirements.  The teachers were so proud of her that they let her be promoted even though she was one point short of passing.

Sam pretty much phoned in school work, scraping by on test scores as he had done most of his life, and getting passed anyway.

They both went to camp, and when Sam came back after 8 weeks, he seemed very different, saying he had done a lot of growing up that summer.  I started hoping that we could actually make this thing work.

Wade and I were still at odds, but he more or less separated himself from us, and while he worked at his office away from home most of the time, the kids and I did a pretty good job getting along.

One area we could not agree on was the way we talked with the kids.  I'm a believer in more action less talk.  Wade has the idea that lectures and long tirades about behavior will somehow have a greater impact.  My experience of that is that after the first sentence or two, the kids just look down and wait for him to finish, not taking in or caring about what he says to them.

I tried to talk with him about it, we even discussed it at the family therapy sessions, but it started to sink in that he wasn't interested in anyone's feedback or ideas.  His way or the highway, pretty much.

On November 22nd, he took the kids to a movie I had already seen.  By the time they got back, he had been raging at them for at least an hour--didn't like them acting up (like kids do), poking at each other with some chop sticks they had picked up as they left a take-out place.  He had very little tolerance for noise, silly behavior--the kind of stuff kids do to entertain themselves and also bug their parents....

The scene continued with him cornering Tori in my office with the door closed, her ending up running upstairs in tears and Sammy trying to defend her against him.  When things quieted down with Wade having retired to the bedroom to watch TV, I sat with the kids trying to find out what went on and help things calm down.  I found myself saying, "kids, you just can't provoke him--you know how he gets."

Sam turned to me and said, "I don't want to live in a place where I can't be myself."

That is when the nickel dropped for me.  I was done.

I said, "I don't either, Sam."  Then proceeded to tell them the whole truth about how I was about to leave when they arrived.  They wanted to know why I hadn't told them sooner, and I explained it as best I could:  they really didn't know me well, I could not have taken them out of the situation legally, and I couldn't abandon them to living with Wade, knowing what I knew about him (rage issues, lack of concern for meal times, he didn't value keeping the house really clean, very demanding with unreasonable expectations, then forgetting them and not following through). I just couldn't do it.

I told the kids that I was ready to move out, and if they wanted to come with me, I would take them. They immediately got excited and agreed to go.

Those almost 11 months had nearly killed me.  I gained 10 pounds, my health went downhill, and Wade and I were on edge with each other most of the time. He kept demanding some sort of submissively docile behavior from me (not even possible!) and would sulk and withdraw whenever I would express myself in a natural way. I felt like I was in a dark dungeon, and was actually feeling hopeless. This was so unusual for me that I was sort of in shock over it.

When the nickel dropped and I spoke my truth to the kids, I felt free for the first time in months.It was right before Thanksgiving, so I knew I had to wait to do anything until after the holiday.  I didn't say anything to Wade, but simply withdrew from any possible interactions with him that could result in conflict--meaning I pretty much avoided him.  If he walked into the kitchen, I would walk out.  If he asked me a question, I was as brief and polite as possible.  The kids and I didn't let on that we had a plan brewing.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I got my friend Harriet to help me look at what might be available for me to move into.  The next day I called my real estate agent, told her my situation, and she jumped to action.  By Tuesday, we had looked at 6 houses and I put a contract on the one that seemed best suited for our needs.

My sister Rachael had suggested that in a situation with a volatile man, it was best to not tell him about our plans until I had as much in place as possible.  So I waited until the contract on the house was accepted, and we went to a session with the family therapist (without the kids) and I explained to Wade that it was time for me to move out and the kids were going with me.  No surprise, he was shocked.  He even said that he had begun to fall in love with me again, because I had been so easy and pleasant to get along with over the last few weeks. And he urged me to wait to do anything for at least 6 months.  I told him it was because I was not acting like my natural self, keeping my distance to ensure we would not have any conflict.  And that the woman he thought he wanted to live with was a tamped down, repressed version of me.  And that the decision was done, as I had already bought a house.

That seemed to help, because he accepted my decision.

The next week, Sam announced he would rather live with Carol--the woman who has been his tutor and mentor since 3rd grade.  We all consulted and Carol loved the idea.  After consulting a lawyer, Wade realized he couldn't keep full control and have the kids live with us, so he went to court with us to petition the judge to give all three of us Conservatorship--which he did--and we now have settled into our new living arrangements.

I got the fastest mortgage imaginable and we moved into our new house on December 20th.  Tori and I are getting used to living without the others--it is harder for her because she has been so connected to Sam her whole life.  Sam is feeling unfettered, as he has been responsible for Tori all these years and is wanting to be independent and free.  He is acting out some anger with me, which is natural, as I have been coaching parents for years to see that kids can't break away from someone they feel tied to unless they rebel in some way.  So I am just loving Sam through it, and waiting until he decides to like me again.

So, here we are.  Carol and I are parenting the kids, Wade seems to be relieved that he can see his grandchildren from time to time but isn't responsible for them daily, and the kids seem to be adjusting to the new situation.  School starts again on Tuesday, which will be an adventure for both of them, as they are starting new schools again.  I moved to Richardson, a suburb of Dallas, so Tori could have a truly neighborhood school.  It is 3 blocks from our house.  The middle school she will go to next year is about 4 blocks from our house, and the high school she will go to is even closer.  I fervently hope she can continue to do well in school.  Once she figured out she was smart and could learn, she became a solid B student--a big change from last year!

Carol and I consult frequently about the kids--as we feel like we are doing this family thing together. I am looking forward to seeing how this new year unfolds.

And I am most grateful to be out of the dark and into the light--living in my own home again, being my eccentric, natural self.  And, by the way, I have lost 13 pounds and feel my healthy self again!

I couldn't have done all this without the help of my amazing friends--I felt like Moses parted the waters and all sorts of resources showed up.  We are truly blessed.

A New Mom at 67! Life Entrepreneurs Often Get More than They Bargain For!

Tori and Sam came to live with us full time on February 9, 2014.  I can say without question, this has been a rocky road, full of ups, downs and unending challenges.

Over the last few weeks, we entered the age of terror by delving deeper into what exactly the kids are doing with their phones.  Scary stuff!

We set up Safe Eyes on their computers, which monitors where they go on the internet.  But it doesn't monitor sites like Facebook--except to keep them from accessing unacceptable content from there (like YouTube videos that aren't for kids).

When I found Tori accessing really bad stuff on her phone, we installed Net Nanny, which works for phones and computers.  The problem was that it also did not monitor Facebook, and that is where she was being stalked by what appears to be a predator.

That is where the age of terror came from.  When I found the messages on her phone sent through Facebook I panicked and was essentially paralyzed for a few moments.  Then I called Wade, who called the police.  We spent part of the next two days talking with their detectives, getting Tori in to be interviewed--along with turning over her phone to them--and now we are waiting to hear what if anything they can do about this.

First, I was terrified for her.  She just turned 12 and didn't have any idea that she was in danger.  The predator made it seem like something innocent at first, telling her she was cute, which drew her in.

Then I was horrified that I hadn't known to monitor Facebook messaging!  I've been reassured by many, including our therapist, that there was no way I could have covered everything.  But I am dismayed that I had what I now know was a false sense of confidence because we had the safeguards installed.

I am hoping that soon there will be some way for these tools to cover the messaging features.  I don't know when we will get the phone back from the police, and I am not sure when we do that we can let her use it any time soon!

I have checked Sam's phone, and thankfully, his is clear.  He is 15 now, and much less susceptible to this sort of thing.

Tori seems to have gotten the message.  The detective (a woman) gave her a very detailed education about the sex trade, girls getting lured into prostitution by these people--it seems to have made an impression.  I hope it scared her enough to do things differently in the future.

There is no way we can control all the things our children do.  I have come to the conclusion that it is still about being there.  I am determined to make sure that I am there, every day after school, that we keep the safeguards on the phones and computers, and that we keep letting our kids know how much they matter to us.

I hope it works!

Still Learning About Being a Mom--What an Adventure!

The last five months have been fun, hard, enlightening, challenging and rewarding.  I'm still caught by surprise at how much I have to learn about raising kids and living in this advanced age of instant information.  I figure I'm good for it, or I wouldn't be in it, but I have had moments of despair and fear.

Thank goodness they don't last too long!

So here's an update:

Both Sam and Tori are back in school.  Sam is a ninth grader, Tori a sixth grader.  Sam is in the STEM program at his high school, which means he had to sign an agreement to work hard and not drop any classes.  Tori got some tutoring in math over the summer and has started out with good math grades so far.  We are still reviewing multiplication tables, and it looks like she has them down finally. It really brings home the fact that if the child doesn't learn something at the appropriate age, it will come back to haunt her!  Fingers crossed she keeps it up!

I am alternately sane and calm, then semi-frantic when I feel like it is all too overwhelming.  I went through another rough patch with Wade where I just wasn't sure we could manage this and stay together.  Maybe I will feel that way again, but it seems to have subsided.

We are both really trying to be nice to each other.  I don't mean that in a negative way.  It actually is paying off.  I am learning to truly accept him for the way he is, which keeps leading me to feeling grateful for the things he does.  When I allow myself to feel resentment, for whatever he doesn't do that I wish he would do, then I get into trouble.

One of the best things I did was let go of expecting him to do anything--so when he does help out with dinner or go pick up the kids--whatever--then I am really glad and can appreciate it.  It was just too much negative energy for me to count the things I didn't like.  Letting got of that was a big relief.

We have continued with therapy.  Our counselor, who is with the Momentous Institute (originally The Salesmanship Club), is phenomenal.  The kids trust her and have no problem talking about whatever is on their minds.  We often just sit together, with our therapist, and talk out how we are working through some of the things we don't agree on.

I've been on a campaign to get Sam to quit watching PG-13 movies with Tori that are super violent and gory.  She thinks that she can handle them.  I'm past caring what she thinks about it.  She's almost 12, but she still has bad dreams and I can feel she still has confusion and anger over her dad's death.  One really good thing about Sam is that he thinks things over and is open to ideas.

They grew up watching that kind of stuff with their dad, so think they are immune to the negative energy spewed out on the screen.  My feeling is that she is at a very vulnerable time in her life and needs to feel safe.  I know she is a very strong girl, and has amazing coping skills.  But she needs time to heal from the tragedy of finding her dad.  I might be projecting, but I feel the undercurrents of all that violence aren't the right things for her to be experiencing at this moment in her life.

The battle seems to be resolving itself, as Sam has decided to stop watching those shows with her in the room.  I am so grateful that he is thoughtful and willing to collaborate, as opposed to taking a stand against us.  We will revisit the subject when she is a little older, and a lot more settled, I hope!
So the good news is that we are working things out.  The kids are doing well, staying healthy and happy--and we are having relaxed family dinners, laughing and talking, then the kids jump up and help with the dishes.  Quite a change from 7 months ago!
 
Time heals, and we all keep learning.  What a blessing!